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Breaking Up & Giving Space CAN lead to getting back together!


Basil26
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Hello Enotaloners!

I've been on this forum a lot, I don't comment, just watch in the background, but decided to write a post.

As you've probably guessed by the title, today I'm telling a story about how breaking up and giving space to my ex led to us getting back together.

So here goes.

Last summer (towards the end of UK lockdown 1.0) I met a girl on a dating site, messaged back and forth and 3 days later we switched number. From there we started dating, first was a walk around the park, after that the dates were at each others, either cooking, drinking, watching a film, going for a stroll (things were still closed due to pandemic).

We dated for two months. Towards the final two weeks she was facing struggles in her life, her father became very badly ill and her work office opened up, and as she's a HoD with a big project with half her workforce, she had a lot going on. Her weekends were trying to see her closet friends and visiting her father, while week days were handling workplace stress. She said several times how busy she is. She would still squeeze me in one night on the weekend or during the week to see me, but away from each other she would become distant, texting frequency decreased, but would still flirt with me and even send sexy pics now and again. 

But! Silly me focused solely on the texting frequency and got slightly worried. Why? I dont know, probably liked the girl a lot haha! So what did I do? I would text her more (not loads more, but more so to the frequency we had before her life became stressful) and this didn't help at all.

The following weekend she decided to end things. Her reasoning was that she didn't see a future with me, no similar interests (in fact we did have similar interests). She felt overwhelmed and quite frankly didn't want me seeing her like she currently was: anxious, pulled left right and centre, scared for her father, stressed at her work, and she really struggled to show her best self to me.

Now, in previous relationships, naive me would have fought hard for her to the point where I basically had a label on my head saying "this boy is suffocating you". This time though, I didn't. I took in what she said, thanked her for her honesty and said goodbye.

Next two days we must of sent maybe 3 texts each max, two initiated by her, one by me. They were basically the "hope you're doing okay texts", as well as arranging for her to drop the stuff I left at hers back to me, which she did on that second day. Her texts were a tad friendly than mine, not to say mine weren't friendly in the slightest, but you know what I mean. I really didn't expect any texts from her as she was needing space.

After that, we didn't message again for 10 days. In that time I realised how silly I was. Although her texting frequency was declining, she still found time to text me, squeeze seeing me into her schedule to stay overnight, and even sent sexy images without me asking. Yeah I know. What an idiot I was. 

During those 10 days, did I miss her? Yeah. Did I feel like I needed her though? No. Did I feel like I'd see her again? Yes. Did I have a plan to text her again? No.

10th day comes round. No idea why, but I send her a text asking how her job is going. From what I recall, it was a few simple texts back and forth and then I ended it by saying I'd leave her to it.

Two days later, Friday morning and I wake up in a great mood, not sure why. I go to work and check my schedule (my job involves going around different parts of London) and I see that one of my locations that day was near her office. So I pop her a text asking if she fancies meeting up for a drink or a coffee. She accepts and negotiate a time and a place (by this time, the bars and coffee shops have opened up again after lockdown). We end up getting tipsy and end up going back to hers and sleeping together. Next morning we both pretty much said we regretted it, and then I left. We started texting again, mostly daily, just basic chat, and start seeing each other again, going on dates and all that. We're still together now, 7 months after my initial text to catch up.

Having spoken to her, me giving her space for those 10 days after the breakup made her realise that I can give her what she needs. I know longer feel worried if the texting lessens, and she now communicates clearer what she wants/needs from me. And all that stuff about no common interests was her saying that for her more than me, to convince herself that she should end it.

I am a risk taker so believe that people can reach out to exs. BUT only do that if it's from a place that isn't desperation. On that 10th day, I was starting to let go of her but woke up and thought "why not". I once read somewhere that the energy you send out, the universe will gift you the result of that energy. In other words, if you get needy and blow up someone's phone, more often than not, they will sense that, causing more harm than good.

If the break up is because of abuse or cheating, I dont think my story and actions should be applied as its a completely different scenario. And please, just because what I did worked for me, it doesn't mean it'll work for you. Break ups are hard and understanding what went wrong and noticing any mistakes you may have made is important to becoming a stronger person, and a better partner.

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 Okay, I get your point, but there are always factors involved. Eg. time span involved before a BU, what caused the BU, etc.

You two were not involved too long before she pulled away and things never really went south too much..

So, it being 10 days, I feel did not mean too much - in means of having 'her miss you' properly.

I think it was just due to her own  thoughts & feelings with agreeing to try again...

And, this is just your story re: you and her.  Has been less than a year and yes, it is nice, that she's agreed to go back & try some more.

But, every situation is different.

So, as for your statement of breaking up & getting back together, does & can happen... yes, it does and it can.. But, also consider all the different aspects, when a couple does split. - which can be for worse reasons, worse effects, worse pains- and some to which the ability to reconnect properly & have it actually succeed can be slim.... whether they give space etc, or not.

 

 

 

 

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I married my husband 11 years after our first cancelled wedding.  We were apart for almost 8 years.  So with all respect I don't see your story as a story of getting back together -because you weren't really together in the first place -you dated short term and after the initial excitement wore off she chose to distance herself because of life situations - which we all have and some couples continue dating and others don't (for example after 2-3 months of dating, one friend had emergency appendicitis and she basically saw what he was made of -he was there every second for her - another friend, after 2 months of dating she became a mom to an adopted baby - and her new boyfriend had to adjust and they've been married for years, another friend lost her mother two months into dating someone she met through an online site and how he dealt with her during that time and her family - she knew he was the one - even though she was in crisis mode.  

I think she ended things because your neediness and self-absorption turned her off at a time you were already under stress and since you were newly dating she didn't have space with all that was going on to try to communicate this to you and have it resonate -I mean she probably  tried to show you but you were in a mode of seeking her attention and approval at a time when she needed some space to breathe.  I think she came back because you backed off some and showed her that you had more of a backbone.  It's lovely that you've been together 7 months. 

But please know that what you know of her is when the going gets tough she pulls away.  Hopefully she'll make a different choice next time and you'll also make different choices -in other words she might still need some space but not in a dramatic/harsh way and you'll be able to to give her space rather than focusing on your need for attention/approval from her.  

10 days of no contact is  blip on the radar, if that.  True time apart is when the couple separates, goes about their lives, for a substantial period of time and when they get back together it's because the issues that were there the first time are not anymore and because of the significant period of time apart one or both people have a different outlook or mindset that is more compatible.  In my humble opinion. 

There were no cell phones when my husband and I were apart and for the first year or so external email was relatively new.  Over the 7 years we emailed a few times a year -mostly impersonal/slightly personal, we saw each other one time for a quick platonic dinner (about a year before we got back together) and we emailed somewhat more in the 8 months prior to getting back together because of a death in my family where he knew the person.  But he had a girlfriend at that time.  

I'm glad you're enjoying your relationship!

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