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I was 2timing. Broke up before finding she's pregnant. Live abroad. Coparenting nightmare?


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Long story short: I had a long distance romance with a woman I met on holiday, which started just before lockdown March 2021... we met on a ski holiday in France. We literally got together on the final night... drunken sex etc.

We went back our seperate ways, me back to Netherlands, her back to the UK.

We kept in touch however and had desire to meet again.

Meanwhile I had started dating someone locally. I kept both going at the same time, largely because I was not sure about the one locally and since it was now lockdown time, it was fun to keep avenues open. We met a further 4 times between March and September. Each time for just a long weekend.

In between times, our digital contact was fluctuating in passsion. She wanted things to move fast and I didn't. But I knew I liked her and wanted not to let it go. That was my mistake. I kept seeing both women without eachother knowing. Both wanting more from me than I was giving. Getting increasingly awkward to juggle. But I was also depressed and anxious about the global situation and how I may lose my job and need to return to the UK.

Long story short... we met for a final time in Sept 2020... and then when I got back home, she got wind of me seeing someone else and broke it off. Very angrily. Blocked me on every network.

1 week later a call from her.

She's pregnant.. and it is mine.

My first reaction was warmth and joy, I don't know why because it is a very awkward scenario but I just wanted to be happy for her, and not negative. A few days in I realise this is a terrible situation and express it so. We live in different coutnries. We had broken up. I was seeing someone else, who I was falling in love with.

But she was absolutely adamant that she would keep it no matter what. She blamed me for misleading her about our relationship. I admit that but also stress that it was not yet a serious relationship and was long distance, during pandemic 2020. But I had to decide to be involved or be forever disgraced as the careless father.

So I always said I want to be invovled in some way but that I would not move from Netherlands and I will not be with her in a relationship.

She got extrememely angry about my relationship with the other girl, and threatened to tell her if I don't. This girl is extremely sensitive so it was literally the worst thing that could've happened. I told her eventually and it lead to a period of extreme stress and emotional pouring. I was always adamant that although this was a mistake, I had to be invovled in the child's life in some way however.

I now think this was a mistake.

It has lead to month of mounting pressure from the Mother, who is eternally resentful for the way it has happend. But she also keeps pushing me to be REALLY involved, like be at the birth, be with her for the first 6 weeks, and commit to seeing her and the child for a significant time each month. All with travelling between 2 coutnries during a pandemic, and the stress of losing the woman I actually fell in love with... who is constantly reminding me of how much pain and sorrow I have caused.

We keep falling out, but she really wants me involved... and really involved... like ALL or nothing. Now it is 2 months before the birth and I am wondering whether I should admit defeat and withdraw my involvement. I want what would be best for the child... and I am not sure at the moment, whether me being invovled would just make things much worse for a child than a single Mum who can get on with her life.

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it will be extremely selfish of you to disappear from the child's life just like that. And no, there is no "single mom getting on with her life", childbirth is not just like getting a puppy, it is a duty that consumes one's whole life. And this duty is equally on the mother AND the father.

So, if you have some decency and manhood left in you, do not weasel out like a coward thinking of your own selfish needs only. You are responsible for the baby that you have fathered. 

Talk to an attorney, establish a visitation schedule and take on your responsibilities of a father. Every child deserves to know who their father is and have contact with both parents.

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I am sorry this is complicated and not exactly what you want and so inconvenient. But this is what happens when you behave irresponsibly—life gets messy. You are trying to justify abandoning your own child. You can’t. It is immoral and wrong. 

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Do you really just not care about the child? You obviously don't care about either of these women.

The child is innocent. You must do the right thing and provide financially.

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You misunderstand.

I have to provide financially, I know that is a legal obligation in UK, whether I am involved or not. My main concern is that she is saying that she will only accept me being involved if I am to spend 7 days per month living with her ( despite her hating me ), by coming to my place once per month. On top of spending the birth with her and the 5 weeks paternity leave.

We have never spent more than 4 days together! We barely know eachother but I cannot imagine us getting along with that much exposure. I really want to be involved in looking after the child, but she's already made it clear she will not allow me to have any time alone with it, she has to always be there.

I believe she wants to make sure I have zero social life, zero other partner.

BTW I forgot to add the detail that she claimed to be not in her fertile window, and very unlikely to get pregnant at 40. And somehow 1 weekend of romance lead to this. Her freinds and mine, try for 6 months to conceive and need IVF etc. ***

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8 minutes ago, freespirit24 said:

she is saying that she will only accept me being involved if I am to spend 7 days per month living with her. somehow 1 weekend of romance lead to this. 

She's full of it. IF it's yours, you have visitation and custody rights, if you want that she can't call the shots on that.

Definitely get paternity testing. The timing of her finding out about the cheating and the sudden preganacy and now this extortion is all quite manipulative. Stop talking to her and her family. 

Research the paternity/child support laws in the jurisdiction.

No offense, but it may be best to just write a check once a month (once it's proven through DNA that it's yours) and be done with her.

Edited by Wiseman2
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You should talk to an attorney about this and figure out your rights if the child is yours. Don't go by what she says only or the options she is giving you. 

Has your partner, the one you were dating locally, ended things with you? 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You should talk to an attorney about this and figure out your rights if the child is yours. Don't go by what she says only or the options she is giving you. 

Has your partner, the one you were dating locally, ended things with you? 

Thanks for your reply. My partner locally has ended things with me as a kind of "break". She is still hoping we can work things out as we had an amazing connection and she wanted to settle with me and I would like to with her too. But this, rather insanely big bump in the road, is understandably causing a huge distress. She wanted me to suggest I have nothing to do with the Mother and her upbringing of the child so we could start our own family by choice and not by force. I understand her angle but I just could not deal with the idea of having a child out there and not being part of their life. Now I am not sure if she was maybe correct, and that it would've been better for everyone if I had done this.

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4 minutes ago, freespirit24 said:

Thanks for your reply. My partner locally has ended things with me as a kind of "break". She is still hoping we can work things out as we had an amazing connection and she wanted to settle with me and I would like to with her too. But this, rather insanely big bump in the road, is understandably causing a huge distress. She wanted me to suggest I have nothing to do with the Mother and her upbringing of the child so we could start our own family by choice and not by force. I understand her angle but I just could not deal with the idea of having a child out there and not being part of their life. Now I am not sure if she was maybe correct, and that it would've been better for everyone if I had done this.

Lawyer first, romance second. Everything will smooth out eventually. Give it the rest of this year to sort out. 

I'd be wary anyone who tries to push you towards a certain way when it comes to fatherhood or these sorts of responsibilities. I'm not keen on the way this woman is pushing you. Take a time out for yourself and find the answers on your own. Talk with a lawyer on what the next steps are. You may want to put dating off for awhile until the child is born which won't be long now. 

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21 minutes ago, freespirit24 said:

She wanted me to suggest I have nothing to do with the Mother and her upbringing of the child so we could start our own family by choice and not by force. I understand her angle but I just could not deal with the idea of having a child out there and not being part of their life. Now I am not sure if she was maybe correct, and that it would've been better for everyone if I had done this.

 I can't imagine doing that to an innocent child, She sounds cruel and heartless.  With that in mind, maybe it's time to re-evaluate your relationship?

At any rate, in spite of what others may say, it's time to own up to your responsibilities. 

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I would absolutely insist on a DNA test. Consult a family law attorney in the meantime to find out what your rights are regarding being the father of a child born in that particular country.

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Wow, bad situation. Okay, here's my take:

Get a DNA test. She blows up at you for finding out that you were seeing someone else and then 1 week later, she's pregnant? Do you have any confirmation of the pregnancy? And where is the proof that its yours? 

DO NOT sign anything until she submits to a DNA test and then go from there. If it's not yours, you can block her for good and move on with your life. If the child is yours, then if you don't feel that you can be properly involved, then I wouldn't be outside of financially. You do have a legal responsibility to give her child support to raise the child that you helped make.

But honestly, she sounds like a nightmare and is already trying to dictate how you will visit the child. I sense you don't want to be involved so much with her in terms of co-parenting. If that's your choice, fine, but make a choice and STICK TO IT. Either be involved or don't be involved, pay your child support either way.

It's not fair to the child for you to be waffling in and out of his life. Given the logistics and your reluctance to coparent with someone who is already playing power/control games with vistitation and the kid isn't even BORN YET, I don't doubt you for paying child support and keeping away.

Maybe it really is better this way. 

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On 4/22/2021 at 2:29 AM, Fudgie said:

Wow, bad situation. Okay, here's my take:

Get a DNA test. She blows up at you for finding out that you were seeing someone else and then 1 week later, she's pregnant? Do you have any confirmation of the pregnancy? And where is the proof that its yours? 

DO NOT sign anything until she submits to a DNA test and then go from there. If it's not yours, you can block her for good and move on with your life. If the child is yours, then if you don't feel that you can be properly involved, then I wouldn't be outside of financially. You do have a legal responsibility to give her child support to raise the child that you helped make.

But honestly, she sounds like a nightmare and is already trying to dictate how you will visit the child. I sense you don't want to be involved so much with her in terms of co-parenting. If that's your choice, fine, but make a choice and STICK TO IT. Either be involved or don't be involved, pay your child support either way.

It's not fair to the child for you to be waffling in and out of his life. Given the logistics and your reluctance to coparent with someone who is already playing power/control games with vistitation and the kid isn't even BORN YET, I don't doubt you for paying child support and keeping away.

Maybe it really is better this way. 

I have no proof that it is mine other than that I actually don't think she would be chasing me to father the child if it was someone elses. I also doubt very much that she would've slept with anyone else, but of course, I could be wrong. Proof that she is pregnant == I met up with her coupla weeks back and she's 7 months gone. It's definitely happening.

Thanks for your balanced advice. When you say 'make a choice, and stick to it' ... do you mean just generally about being invovled or not, or you mean the exact structure like, if I agree to see once per month then that should stick for life?

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