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i accused my girlfriend of cheating for something she doesnt consider as cheating.


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Last night, my girlfriend was on a dating app (on an account we both run. we don't do anything there, it was made just for fun because my girlfriend wanted to see "where she stands") and was talking to a guy. Now, for context, my gf and i had been fighting the entire day yesterday over a lot of topics, and it had gotten overwhelming for her and she was not responding to my texts, but was there on that app telling the guy about our fight, which was okay. Now, I don't mind her talking to people, i have no right to, im not like that. 
Now, the main fight between us started because my girl wanted to send a very sexual picture to her friend for an "ego boost", her friend regularly sexualizes her and her body. As for the picture: she was totally clothed, no face just her body. It had an ample lot of cleavage, and nothing else. just her body in a black top and pjs with 60% of her boobs visible. She asked me if she could send it for an ego boost and I had said that she can send but only if she covers the cleavage, which she barely did and said "if i do more the picture won't be aesthetic.", so i asked to make it smaller, the picture, so it isnt really that visible, but she refused and started fighting with me about it, saying how im "not kinky" and a "basic bf" and stop her from doing what she wants. While I had said no just because I wanted to be the only one to see her body and her pictures in its full glory, and because I didnt understand why she wanted someone else's validation anyway.

So, back to the dating app guy. Now, she uses the app on her laptop while i had it on my phone, she had forgotten i could see the texts. It was a dating app, right? So the guy started getting sexual with her, sexualizing her and her body while my gf didnt respond to his tries but they eventually started talking about favourite sex positions, and then kinks. and then my gf started telling the guy about the fight and started telling him about the photo for contextual purposes. she said, verbatim, "now, my cleavage isn't like any other cleavage. my cup size is _, so it has more volume." She told the guy her cup size. 

So, I am accusing her of cheating because she allowed a person to sexualize her, participated in sexual conversations with him and told him her cup size. She does not think it was cheating. She things it was wrong, but not cheating. 
While I think it was wrong because it was cheating. 

(things wouldn't have been the same if i had told a girl about my *** size tho)

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25 minutes ago, ooooopont said:

my girlfriend was on a dating app (on an account we both run. .was there on that app telling the guy about our fight, which was okay.

How long have you been dating? Have you met in person? How old is she? Are you exclusive?

Seems like you are both catfishing people on dating apps for fun? And you're both ok being on dating apps, so how is that "cheating"? 

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39 minutes ago, ooooopont said:

my girlfriend was on a dating app (on an account we both run. we don't do anything there, it was made just for fun because my girlfriend wanted to see "where she stands")

You realize that this is really screwed up, don't you?

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23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? Have you met in person? How old is she? Are you exclusive?

Seems like you are both catfishing people on dating apps for fun? And you're both ok being on dating apps, so how is that "cheating"? 

we've been dating for an year. yes, we have met in person. she is 18, i am 20. we are monogamous. we dont catfish, lol. the pictures on the dating app are hers. it is mentioned that the account is purely out of boredom and the owner of the account is not looking for anything.

 

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18 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

So she is catfishing people for an ego boost? She has self esteem issues. 

oh, no. she isnt catfishing. the pictures and the account name is all hers, it is mentioned that the account owner isnt looking for anything, its purely out of boredom.

 

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1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

It is still messed up . 

i agree. i did not really have a say in the matter since it is what she wanted to do. but that isnt why i made this post. i made the post about the cheating quotient. was i right to accuse her of that? talking about sexual positions, kinks, bra size to a guy who is sexualizing her on a dating app?

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38 minutes ago, ooooopont said:

we've been dating for an year. yes, we have met in person. she is 18, i am 20. we are monogamous. we dont catfish, lol. the pictures on the dating app are hers. it is mentioned that the account is purely out of boredom and the owner of the account is not looking for anything.

 

Why is your "relationship" that boring, that you two have to troll on people on dating apps?

Your strange "GF" could make money as a sex worker so why is she wasting time on this?

 So this nonsense is fun for both of you, there's no cheating. Just playing with fire and screwing around doing stupid stuff on apps for fun?

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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32 minutes ago, ooooopont said:

i agree. i did not really have a say in the matter since it is what she wanted to do. but that isnt why i made this post. i made the post about the cheating quotient. was i right to accuse her of that? talking about sexual positions, kinks, bra size to a guy who is sexualizing her on a dating app?

To me it is . All tells me she is not ready for a committed relationship. If she is this bored when your relationship you think it ok can you imagine when it isn’t ? 

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You're trying to be the cool boyfriend, fitting yourself into her world of ego boosting by getting attention from other men. There are women who don't do this. I suggest dumping her and finding a woman who is solely happy with your attention so your relationship isn't full of seediness and arguments.

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OK so why are you here if you keep defending her actions? Like it's OK to keep a dating app for "entertainment purposes" and it's for nothing else, etc.? You are afraid to lose her so you let her get away with it? The fighting is proof you could be pushing her to breakup and you don't want that.

IMO no girl is worth this bs. She doing it because she's not getting what she wants out of your relationship and that bothers you. She has to go somewhere else for attention.

There are two issues here....she's not GF material, and you don't have enough confidence to dump her.

Edited by smackie9
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Everyone has their own definition of “cheating”. This felt like cheating to you, you told her ahead of time that you weren’t comfortable with this, and she chose to find a work around to get her rocks off anyways. Yes, that’s cheating. This is why it’s so important to talk about this with your partner and agree on where the boundary is, especially when you’re partaking in unconventional activities like this dating site. As an example, finding my husband on a dating app would be “cheating” in our relationship. However, if he went out to a bar and a woman hit on him, flirted with him, he bought her a drink, etc. and then he came home to me, we don’t consider that cheating but I have friends that would. You guys have to determine for yourselves what’s okay and what’s not.

You're still fairly young, as is she. Are you really sure this is what you want to be spending your youth and mental energy on? A relationship that involves men online to feed your girlfriend’s ego? Your early 20’s is a really fun time in your life that you don’t get back. After this comes real adulthood where you can’t really afford to just live for yourself. Marriage, kids, homeownership, career, BILLS, bills, and more bills, stress.... You’ll never be as young as you are today, so make sure you’re spending this time in your life the way you really want to.

Edited by indea08
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Dude,

Going out on apps that exist for the sole purpose of dating and hookups to solicit men is cheating. Sorry. Also, if the shot is JUST her cleavage basically -- she is purposefully attracting dudes that only want sex.

 

If she was on the Model Railroad Enthusiasts App and was just talking about trains and some guy started propositioning her as one of the few ladies in the hobby - that would NOT be cheating so long as she doesn't pursue it. She wasn't putting herself out there for that attention.  She was just there - a gal and her trains.

 

Is she trying to make you jealous or is her self esteem that low? She truly doesn't understand what being in a relationship means.

I would walk away. this is not an oops this is a big character flaw.

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I don't think whether or not she was "cheating" is the dispositive issue here - or even relevant. She is crossing the boundaries you (presumably?) set for the relationship.

  • You are not comfortable with her sending sexy pictures to other men - and when you said that and offered an alternative, she insulted you.
  • You are - without expressly admitting it - impliedly by virtue of mentioning it here not comfortable with her criticizing you and your relationship to other men on dating apps
  • You are not comfortable with her discussing sex positions and kinks with those men on the dating apps.

OP - I am normally for finding ways to work out relationship problems, but here I do not think your girlfriend respects you. I do not see a way this can work out unless she suddenly begins showing you the respect you deserve. I personally think your best decision - and best chance to get this respect back (and assert your own self-respect) - is to break up with her and find someone who will respect you and the boundaries you set.

Best of luck, and I hope this helps.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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4 hours ago, ooooopont said:

As for the picture: she was totally clothed, no face just her body. It had an ample lot of cleavage, and nothing else. just her body in a black top and pjs with 60% of her boobs visible. She asked me if she could send it for an ego boost and I had said that she can send but only if she covers the cleavage

Why are you encouraging this? Horndogs and dirty old men selling her pics to Pornhub, jacking off to it, etc.? 

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You aren't really in any kind of exclusive committed relationship when your gf is openly trolling dating apps looking for attention from other men. That in and of itself is cheating. Sending a pic to some dude to boost his ego....are you kidding me? Where is your self respect that you are giving her the time of day.

She is too young to be in any kind of a relationship and needs to sow her wild oats for many years before she'll ever be fit to be a gf to any one guy....IF ever that is. Don't hold your breath that she will mature and change as some people don't.

I think you need to get your head screwed on straight and figure out what is and isn't acceptable behavior.  Rather than engaging in these kinds of messed up games and drama or "giving permission to send a pic", learn to end things because nothing about her should be acceptable behavior to you, unless you are just casual fwb. This chic is not relationship or gf material and you are too much of a doormat. Grow a spine and some healthy boundaries and learn how to dump women who don't meet basic relationship standards. 

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If the men responding to your lady knew that you were in on it and this was just some sort of entertainment for the both of you, I doubt they'd respond to her.  (aka -both of you)

Misrepresentation is a form a catfishing.

Seeing you are misrepresenting yourselves and playing with fire, you basically deserve what you get.

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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I don't understand why  either one of you are on there! 

All of her behavior is inappropriate!   Why would you think it would be okay to be flirting with strangers on a dating app or discussing your problems.  You have zero boundaries in a relationship.    You should have dumped her long ago.  

You need to address your self esteem issues.  Get rid of her!

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5 hours ago, ooooopont said:

we've been dating for an year. yes, we have met in person. she is 18, i am 20. we are monogamous. we dont catfish, lol. the pictures on the dating app are hers. it is mentioned that the account is purely out of boredom and the owner of the account is not looking for anything.

 

You can't think of other things to do with your time?   How about reading a book, catching up with a friend , or becoming current on the news.  All of this is very sad. 

Of course she is cheating.  

Edited by Hollyj
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6 hours ago, ooooopont said:

So, I am accusing her of cheating because she allowed a person to sexualize her, participated in sexual conversations with him and told him her cup size. She does not think it was cheating. She things it was wrong, but not cheating. 
While I think it was wrong because it was cheating. 

This is not an argument that you can win. It's a question of values--You disagree about the definition of cheating. This is an issue that is personal to every relationship. You have to decide whether you can deal with her definition. If you can't accept it, you have to break up. You can't change people.

Edited by Jibralta
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9 hours ago, ooooopont said:

It had an ample lot of cleavage, and nothing else. just her body in a black top and pjs with 60% of her boobs visible. She asked me if she could send it for an ego boost and I had said that she can send but only if she covers the cleavage, which she barely did and said "if i do more the picture won't be aesthetic.", so i asked to make it smaller, the picture, so it isnt really that visible, but she refused and started fighting with me about it, saying how im "not kinky" and a "basic bf" and stop her from doing what she wants.

She sounds like a spoiled teen.  Immature, don't you think??

 

The thing is... how does all of this make YOU feel?  Okay? 

If I was dating some guy and aware of him doing stuff like this, would I feel okay?  NO.

BTW, I did find some explicit pics on his PC after a year, being involved- as he left his PC on one time- so I figured him out & was not impressed 😕 .. Yah, I walked & never returned. As I find this stuff very disrespectful.

HERE, look at this list re: Cheating...

Some think it's cheating if their partners engage in any of the following activities with people outside of their relationship:

Flirting

Discussing things of a sexual nature

Gift-giving (unless to a relative)

Clandestine online chatting (whether sexual or platonic)

Sharing private, personal information

Providing emotional support or admiration

Texting continually (in private or otherwise)

Sexting

Sexual contact

So, you figure it out- is this acceptable to you?

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9 hours ago, ooooopont said:

my gf and i had been fighting the entire day yesterday over a lot of topics,

Normal healthy relationships do not consist of fighting all day long over a lot of topics.

 

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She doesn't respect you. I'm referring to the way she put you down, calling you basic or not kinky enough. All of her behaviour is disturbing and disappointing. What she chooses to do with herself is her right but not when it starts to impact others if she chooses to also be in a relationship. You have to stick up for yourself and stop being a doormat. 

I suspect the relationship has always been about her, her kinks, her image, her body, herself. She's not that open to being with anyone genuinely or inviting someone into her life. 

She's also 18. Why not date someone closer to your own age at 20 who's in college or working and a little more grounded? She has some growing to do. 

 

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