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I'm sorry you feel this kind of interaction with this kind of young woman is the best you can do. And that you are willing to settle for so little.

I'm also sorry you don't realize how much you have to offer. A quality woman would love to date someone like you, but you've got to get it out of your head that you're defective somehow.

I wish you'd consider therapy with an actual professional. These interactions aren't going to make your loneliness any better.

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You haven't said how old she is, but she is seeking attention from men in an unhealthy way. And you already know you're not the only one. But you're willing to disregard all of the negative becau

I'm sorry you feel this kind of interaction with this kind of young woman is the best you can do. And that you are willing to settle for so little. I'm also sorry you don't realize how much you h

I'm not offended, I am just very uncomfortable with this situation.  It is so inappropriate and unhealthy for both parties.  It is almost that you choose the worst possible scenario. What I don't

I think that you're just projecting onto this girl because you're really lonely and insecure. I'm actually not judging you for your sexual kinks or whatever or her age. It's the fact that you're saying you're connecting so deeply and developing strong feelings for a woman you've known only two weeks and only online, not in person. That coupled with the fact that you met her on a fetish site, so people aren't really there for deep and meaningfuls. People are mostly on that website because they're horny and they want to get their rocks off.

You said the age is not a problem but it's a problem in the sense that she's so young that she probably doesn't really quite understand what real love and real connection is. What I mean is, of course she's capable of being in love at twenty but her age might mean she has a rose coloured view of relationships. And sounds like you do too, even though you're 35.

I don't think this girl is your salvation from all your issues because she's on that site for sexual reasons. You're probably not that special to her because she's sexting with other guys too. 

You should probably be seeing a therapist and discussing all this with a professional. It doesn't matter about the woman's age, a purely online relationship without having ever met in person is not really a relationship. 

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4 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I spoke to her last night again. Okay, look I think you guys are right about everything your saying. To be honest, I don’t think she was sexting other guys the entire time, I think she just made that up to make me jealous.

Im feeling really terrible now, I didn’t admit the full truth of what actually happened and why I broke up with her in the first place. At one point she told me that her parents wouldn’t be okay with her dating someone as old as me and couldn’t see us moving in together because she was adopted and all this stuff.

To be honest, I don’t even know if she’s ever been in a relationship before and could have just been lying to be about being in prior relationships because of her insecurities. There were times when I talked about flying out to see her and how she might be uncomfortable, and I didn’t think it was that big of a deal since I’ve done online dating before. Then again I’m not 20 either.

Also, I don’t see myself as dating down at all. The more I read this and think about some of the things I’ve said on this thread and reflect the more it makes sense about the age imbalance and me being more experienced. Yet, it’s still very confusing to me because she aggressively pursued me and initiated a lot of the sexting stuff.  I felt like I was just going along with it, so I’m feeling confused as to how I was supposed to be the adult in these situations?!

Part of me enjoys the attention/ validation and I guess a lot of the other things we mentioned before. It’s also possible that I can relate to her more then women my own age because maybe a lot part of that is me being immature and not ready for adult relationships.

Im like crying again, and I do that every-time I post on this thread. I think there’s another part of me that feels like we are both wasting our time and she’s better off just dating guys her own age in her area and should cut me off. Yet, I guess due to her fears it’s easy to hold on to a sure thing like me. 

Im still feeling really judged every time I post here, she’s one of the few people I feel like I can open up to and not worry that she’s going’s to hurt me. You guys must think that there’s something wrong with me, but honestly I feel like I can’t help myself at this point because it’s too hard to walk away from that to be alone again.

Sometimes when I think of not be able to talk to her I feel utterly devastated and alone and I don’t know why I even opened up myself to her in the first place. I can’t cope with these feelings at all and feel like it would take me a long time before I could move on.

You were talking about moving in with someone you had been talking to online for a week?  Looking back,  does that seem logical? 
 

what is the distance between the two of you?  
 

you are making a lot of grand statements for someone you recently started communicating with and have not met in person.  
 

If one of your friends or family members told you that they had met some kid online, who lives with their parents, is inexperienced, has convos that consist mainly of sex , and sexts other men, what would you advise? 
 

From the outside this is disturbing.  You need to get into therapy. 

Edited by Hollyj
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38 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

You were talking about moving in with someone you had been talking to online for a week?  Looking back,  does that seem logical? 
 

what is the distance between the two of you?  
 

you are making a lot of grand statements for someone you recently started communicating with and have not met in person.  
 

If one of your friends or family members told you that they had met some kid online, who lives with their parents, is inexperienced, has convos that consist mainly of sex , and sexts other men, what would you advise? 
 

From the outside this is disturbing.  You need to get into therapy. 

2-4 hours on a plane. 12 in a car.

You asked me how would my friends and family see the situation. If they loved me they would accept it and learn to love her as well. What you would say to someone who thinks they met their soulmate in some random online chat?

All jokes aside, I’m not really in the frame of mind to tell the difference between what seems logical or not. I’ve literally been burying my issues with work for the past 3-4 years and I always pray that one day it will be all worth it. There’s a part of me that thinks that I will eventually understand everything you are saying and come to terms.

Then there’s another part of me that’s much deeper and fears that you only get a few chances at love. That we don’t get to pick who we fall in love with and if we meet that person and let them go, then they are gone forever and we might not be able to find someone like that again.

You might think I sound delusional but I’ve dumped people like that due to my fear of commitment in the past. Really smart girls with very high sex drives, and I have a really high sex drive. Mostly, I get into relationships and of all the relationships I’ve ever been in only about 10 percent were able to meet my drive.

Granted I’m much older now and that’s calmed down a little but I would still say that it’s still much higher then the average person. I’m reading this now and realizing how crazy it sounds, but this is stuff that I think.

Sometimes it makes it so much harder to get over my issues because I can never tell people how I actually feel. When you have the sort of issues I do, people just don’t want to hear it and you bury it away. I think your right about me needing therapy but I couldn’t really afford it for a long time.

In the past when I tried therapy it was really hard for me to trust the person I was talking to. I’m an extremely analytical person, so I find ways to discredit people and it’s very easy for me to ignore the truth if I can find a logical inconsistency with the idea.

Im processing this everyday. Thank you for your thoughts and attention. You guys don’t need to feel bad for me, I’m just going through a weird time right now.

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33 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

2-4 hours on a plane. 12 in a car.

You asked me how would my friends and family see the situation. If they loved me they would accept it and learn to love her as well. What you would say to someone who thinks they met their soulmate in some random online chat?

All jokes aside, I’m not really in the frame of mind to tell the difference between what seems logical or not. I’ve literally been burying my issues with work for the past 3-4 years and I always pray that one day it will be all worth it. There’s a part of me that thinks that I will eventually understand everything you are saying and come to terms.

Then there’s another part of me that’s much deeper and fears that you only get a few chances at love. That we don’t get to pick who we fall in love with and if we meet that person and let them go, then they are gone forever and we might not be able to find someone like that again.

You might think I sound delusional but I’ve dumped people like that due to my fear of commitment in the past. Really smart girls with very high sex drives, and I have a really high sex drive. Mostly, I get into relationships and of all the relationships I’ve ever been in only about 10 percent were able to meet my drive.

Granted I’m much older now and that’s calmed down a little but I would still say that it’s still much higher then the average person. I’m reading this now and realizing how crazy it sounds, but this is stuff that I think.

Sometimes it makes it so much harder to get over my issues because I can never tell people how I actually feel. When you have the sort of issues I do, people just don’t want to hear it and you bury it away. I think your right about me needing therapy but I couldn’t really afford it for a long time.

In the past when I tried therapy it was really hard for me to trust the person I was talking to. I’m an extremely analytical person, so I find ways to discredit people and it’s very easy for me to ignore the truth if I can find a logical inconsistency with the idea.

Im processing this everyday. Thank you for your thoughts and attention. You guys don’t need to feel bad for me, I’m just going through a weird time right now.

If my 35-year-old friend was dating a 20-year-old, I would question his judgement and maturity level.   I would also lose respect.   She also lives with her parents and has no worldly experience.  How you met would also not sit well.  What would his friends and colleagues have in common with this girl? 

If you really want love then this is not the right route.  Remember, she is a stranger and is a 12-hour car ride away.  How realistic is it that something would have due to age and distance.   What does this girl do to support herself?   She sounds very reliant on her parents?  

If you truly wanted love you would get the therapy you need, not hide from your issues and sext young women.   What are you afraid of, getting healthy and actually having a loving, sustaining relationship.  You are currently doing EVERYTHING  wrong if you are looking for something real.  We certainly do get to choose who we love, by not engaging inappropriate relationships.  You don't even know this woman and you're in love?  If you are "analytical" does any of this really makes sense?  I think not!

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You previously passionately argued the age difference, using comparisons of 30 to 50 and so on.   

As you get older the maturity gap closes, but there is no argument that a 20 year old has not fully matured.  There are studies that frontal lobe of a young adults brain isn't fully developed until around the age of 24.  It explains why some young people do reckless things because the reasoning is controlled by ones frontal lobe.  They can't conceptualize the consequences of their actions.

I am a parent of two young adult men.  If this was my daughter I would lose my mind over her engaging men almost twice her age sexually on line.  I don't know her, but she is clearly acting out.  You both are.  It's not a foundation for a relationship.   

And don't feel bad about ending it.  You are doing her a favor.  Don't further romanticize it by wondering if you two were brought together under these unconventional circumstance so you can rescue her. . .or you two can heal each other. It just doesn't work that way.   

The goal of easing your discomfort by going about this way just pushes it even that much further away.   It's a act of falling deeper into a rabbit hole and that much harder to get out.

I encourage you to either stay in therapy or return to it.  Sometimes it really needs to hurt bad enough for someone to be really ready for some serious change.  Maybe this is your moment

Edited by reinventmyself
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3 hours ago, junebug123 said:

What you would say to someone who thinks they met their soulmate in some random online chat?

That they need to take a break from the internet for a while. 

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OK, so if you think you're falling in love with her and she's your "soulmate", then stop just talking and start doing. It's all very well to talk about all these feelings, connections and so forth, but where's the proof of that in real life? Are you able to travel within your own country yet? Or not because of COVID? You need to travel the four hours by plane and meet this girl. Date her in person. Then come here and say all those things. Otherwise you're just talking about a fantasy. You were saying you think she was being honest about everything she told you. How do you know? You seriously don't know her from a bar of soap. Just something we say in Australia lol Like seriously, at this rate you could be in love with a bar of soap. 

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

OK, so if you think you're falling in love with her and she's your "soulmate", then stop just talking and start doing. It's all very well to talk about all these feelings, connections and so forth, but where's the proof of that in real life? Are you able to travel within your own country yet? Or not because of COVID? You need to travel the four hours by plane and meet this girl. Date her in person. Then come here and say all those things. Otherwise you're just talking about a fantasy. You were saying you think she was being honest about everything she told you. How do you know? You seriously don't know her from a bar of soap. Just something we say in Australia lol Like seriously, at this rate you could be in love with a bar of soap. 

I plan to do that. She only has like 1 day a week off, she works a lot. So, I want to find a time when she has more time off and preferably when flights are cheaper like not on the weekend. Yes, I can travel in my own country. I think we will go on dates, its not like I have anything to prove to you guys here. I'm just sharing my fears and worries that's all.

Also, I will go as far to agree with some of the posters here that say I am infatuated. At night I start to get really bad anxiety if I don't talk to her and I spent a lot of time thinking of those chats we have or will have. There's something about her personality that I find really calming.

I think in the beginning I will just try to see how it goes in person, I imagine it will be awkward at first but eventually I will spend more time there with her and see how it goes. I think the plan is once I get situated in a new state or if its here, I'll talk to her parents and have her come live with me. I mean, you guys are talking about this girl like she's a child, but she's a literal adult. Who knows maybe living with someone like me who has a college education and a good career in front of them is more beneficial then slaving away at some restaurant working for her family.

Also, analytical doesn't imply that I don't have emotions or sometimes think irrationally. I probably an aspie but even we have our moments.

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Please look up co dependence.  

I am assuming that you will not address your issues through therapy.

Edited by Hollyj
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18 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

I plan to do that. She only has like 1 day a week off, she works a lot. So, I want to find a time when she has more time off and preferably when flights are cheaper like not on the weekend. Yes, I can travel in my own country. I think we will go on dates, its not like I have anything to prove to you guys here. I'm just sharing my fears and worries that's all.

Also, I will go as far to agree with some of the posters here that say I am infatuated. At night I start to get really bad anxiety if I don't talk to her and I spent a lot of time thinking of those chats we have or will have. There's something about her personality that I find really calming.

I think in the beginning I will just try to see how it goes in person, I imagine it will be awkward at first but eventually I will spend more time there with her and see how it goes. I think the plan is once I get situated in a new state or if its here, I'll talk to her parents and have her come live with me. I mean, you guys are talking about this girl like she's a child, but she's a literal adult. Who knows maybe living with someone like me who has a college education and a good career in front of them is more beneficial then slaving away at some restaurant working for her family.

Also, analytical doesn't imply that I don't have emotions or sometimes think irrationally. I probably an aspie but even we have our moments.

Well, that's a good idea. Travel to her as soon as you can and see how it all goes. If you're so dead set on this girl then go for it. You have nothing to prove to us but you did come here for advice. And you got lots of advice, even though some of it you probably don't like lol

You sound terribly lonely. It's not because the girl is only twenty years old or lives far away. It's because you're so fixated on a stranger and get anxiety if you don't speak to her. I would never feel that way about someone I basically don't know because I have friends and family I can talk to instead if I have any worries or anxieties.

I'm 36 and there is no way I would date a 20 or 21-year-old or even be friends with them. It's no disrespect to people this age, but the age gap is just too big. As you said, if they were 30 and I'm 46, maybe different story because it would be a very different stage of life.

If you want my opinion (which you probably don't lol), you're barking up the wrong tree. I think you need friends and a girlfriend closer to your own age. When I was 20 I thought 35 is really old. Maybe she doesn't think you're super old, but I'm sure if given the chance she would rather be with a guy in his 20's.

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23 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Please look up co dependence.  

I am assuming that you will not address your issues through therapy.

Hollyj, you think I don't know I'm co-dependent, of course I know this. Like whatever is happening now with this virtual relationship is the same thing that happens to me in every freaking relationship. I've literally been on a short fuse for like the past 2 weeks and my work is suffering because of the feelings that have been coming up for me.

Secretly, I want her to be just using me and not care, and making up the bit about her parents because who would want to move in with someone they met online for less then a week. Of course I would love that, so I wouldn't have to deal with these feelings and she could just reaffirm the belief that I am not a lovable person.

Its almost like you imagine that every person who has a mental disorder doesn't want it to go away, or hasn't been trying to solve it for years. Like it affects every aspect of my life, in fact I probably only have 1 close friend and even within my family I am not close to anyone except my mom. In a way, I am sort of practicing with this girl so I can just get over my dry spell and something will change within me. Maybe I start dating again or maybe something happens with the girl, I don't know. 

Its almost like your getting offended that I don't immediately cut off the relationship and follow your advice. Like yeah there's a part of me that wants help but there's also a part of me that is just working through this time and finding comfort in your words. Its been a lot easier having a platform to share my feelings with then dealing with it alone. Its almost like you guys are one of the few vestiges of reason in this situation. I'm not forcing anyone to come here and read this thread, in fact this is embarrassing for me to be revealing all of this stuff as it is.

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16 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

Hollyj, you think I don't know I'm co-dependent, of course I know this. Like whatever is happening now with this virtual relationship is the same thing that happens to me in every freaking relationship. I've literally been on a short fuse for like the past 2 weeks and my work is suffering because of the feelings that have been coming up for me.

Secretly, I want her to be just using me and not care, and making up the bit about her parents because who would want to move in with someone they met online for less then a week. Of course I would love that, so I wouldn't have to deal with these feelings and she could just reaffirm the belief that I am not a lovable person.

Its almost like you imagine that every person who has a mental disorder doesn't want it to go away, or hasn't been trying to solve it for years. Like it affects every aspect of my life, in fact I probably only have 1 close friend and even within my family I am not close to anyone except my mom. In a way, I am sort of practicing with this girl so I can just get over my dry spell and something will change within me. Maybe I start dating again or maybe something happens with the girl, I don't know. 

Its almost like your getting offended that I don't immediately cut off the relationship and follow your advice. Like yeah there's a part of me that wants help but there's also a part of me that is just working through this time and finding comfort in your words. Its been a lot easier having a platform to share my feelings with then dealing with it alone. Its almost like you guys are one of the few vestiges of reason in this situation. I'm not forcing anyone to come here and read this thread, in fact this is embarrassing for me to be revealing all of this stuff as it is.

I'm not offended, I am just very uncomfortable with this situation.  It is so inappropriate and unhealthy for both parties.  It is almost that you choose the worst possible scenario.

What I don't understand is why you will not seek proper therapy.  Why don't you want to help yourself?

Edited by Hollyj
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12 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

Hollyj, you think I don't know I'm co-dependent, of course I know this. Like whatever is happening now with this virtual relationship is the same thing that happens to me in every freaking relationship. I've literally been on a short fuse for like the past 2 weeks and my work is suffering because of the feelings that have been coming up for me.

Secretly, I want her to be just using me and not care, and making up the bit about her parents because who would want to move in with someone they met online for less then a week. Of course I would love that, so I wouldn't have to deal with these feelings and she could just reaffirm the belief that I am not a lovable person.

Its almost like you imagine that every person who has a mental disorder doesn't want it to go away, or hasn't been trying to solve it for years. Like it affects every aspect of my life, in fact I probably only have 1 close friend and even within my family I am not close to anyone except my mom. In a way, I am sort of practicing with this girl so I can just get over my dry spell and something will change within me. Maybe I start dating again or maybe something happens with the girl, I don't know. 

Its almost like your getting offended that I don't immediately cut off the relationship and follow your advice. Like yeah there's a part of me that wants help but there's also a part of me that is just working through this time and finding comfort in your words. Its been a lot easier having a platform to share my feelings with then dealing with it alone. Its almost like you guys are one of the few vestiges of reason in this situation. I'm not forcing anyone to come here and read this thread, in fact this is embarrassing for me to be revealing all of this stuff as it is.

Dude you sound fine minus some mental health issues, which a lot if people have. You have a university degree, a job, your own place. I assume you are decent looking because physically this girl is into you. I think you're just diving into the wrong pool, so to speak. I think you need to go on real life dates with women in your area and actually get to know them for real. You would have better success with women closer to your age. You can still date a 20-year-old if you want, but the chances of it working long-term are just not that high.

I actually am speaking from my own actual personal experience. I'm bisexual and when I was 19, I met a guy on an adult site who said he was 35. He said him and his ex girlfriend were still sleeping together and they were looking for a woman to join them for a threesome. The ex girlfriend was 30. I thought OK, these people are "old", buy the threesome part sounds fun. 

So I met up with them for lunch. The man became really infatuated with me and he began asking me out. I started seeing him buy honestly I didn't take him seriously at all. I thought he was old lol I was just waiting until we got to do that threesome with his ex with big breasts lol 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, he felt really strongly for me and he wanted to get really serious and move in together. I was like, whhaatt, I'm 20 years old (was by then). I just want to have fun, drink, go clubbing with my friends, dating other guys. I'm not moving in with you! I also felt embarrassed of his age, so I never told my parents or any of my friends about him. I didn't want to meet any of his friends either. I had very little investment in him to be honest. Then it got worse because it turned out he pied to me for many months. That he wasn't really 35, he was really 42 😱

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