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Cheated on, trying to move on and failing... Now I may be a bad person myself


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Sorry for the long topic, but I do need some advice....

Please call me Mark, it's a fake name just as the locations in this text. They were chosen just because the distance between them is very close to the distance between the real cities.

I am currently in relationship with Rebecca, had a crush on her for maybe 7 years. 

It's important to know that we live in Brazil (true information, we actually live here), so the economy, job oportunity (specially in my field), violence and plane ticket cost are all in a very bad situation, and it's going to get worse. Currently, 1 US dollar it's equivalent to 5,56 real (currency).

Rebecca and I got to know each other in 2014 during college and I imediately started to like her and got rejected, she then moved as if it was from Frankfurt to Moskow, and spent 5,5 years there (She left 5 months or less after we met). 

We were best friends, always chatting, but... Too close. I knew all about all her dating life, sometimes even juggling with 3 or 4 guys at the same time (she said and I quote, that she needed a course of "d*ck management", to take care of all of them), an unecessarry ammount of info about her private life with them, knowing when and with whom she had sex. It was like that for years. At the time it didnt bother me, in fact I was envy of the weekly partying and hooking up, but I'll get there.

Fast foward to december 2018, we got together and are even saying "I love you" to each other, while she was back in "Frankfurt" for the summer (south hemisphere, summer in december). Before she left, she was very cold and barely wanted to see me or talk to me. Confused, crying and sobbing because of the break up (no chance of going long distance for any of us), I was basically ignored for two weeks before she left, while we were still dating, as official boyfriend and girlfriend knowing her family and her mine.

Two weeks after she's back in "Moskow", she appears dating another guy that she "met during this two weeks". Knowing her, for 5 years at the time, I knew/know that's impossible, she was flirting with him while we were still together. I then spent two days without sleeping, smoked a total of six packs of cigarretes (at the time I only smoked during parties, became a bad habbit after that, today I vape - less worse because theres no CO2 but still bad because of nicotine). 

Maybe two or three months later, she broke up with the guy and started to tell me how much she loved me and that the relationship with him was a mistake. At the time I was aware that I got cheated on and decided to go on with the friendship only. I didn't really care about her love confessions, because of what she did and I was going to work in "Tokyo", so I had other priorities. The love confessions carried on through my time in "Tokyo".

Circa 8 months after her break up, she comes back to "Frankfurt" for good and as soon as I come back from "Tokyo" we started dating... I dumped her in a month because of the cheating, that she swears that never happened. It was just too much for me. Then, two months later, not being with her felt even worse than the cheating and we got back together.

We've been together for a year now I can't really seem to get over the cheating, even tought I really am trying to let it go, since I love her so much... I try to make the feeling go away, but it keeps scaring me and haunting me like a ghost, even after 1 year very happy year together with her. I keep thinking that the old Rebecca is going to come back as soon as COVID goes away, and I'll be just another guy she's fooling around with. Or not even that, since now (after COVID) she can go out and get her man, and has no need for a guy like me anymore.

Unfortunately, I love a person in whose love I can't believe due to the history we have together. 

How can I believe in someone that decieved me while we were together, and went after another man while I was still there, with her? She says she wants to come back together after my work in Tokyo, around 2023. And that we should move to Canada. I like the idea, I would really be up for it, if I could believe in her love for me...

Any advidce, on how to deal with this situation? We will break up due to my departure to "Tokyo". But... Should we still be together? Should I keep giving her this second chance, or since it's been a year already and I cant let go, it wont work? I'm afraid to realize, 5 years from now, that I'm still in a relationship with someone in whose love I can't believe.

That was problem number 01. Now, comes problem number 02.

Now, I'm starting to be a bad person myself. I've got another amazing oportunity in "Tokyo" for two years now and I'll leave in July or August; and I've told her that I'm going to take it no matter what. She can't come as she's a journalist and doesn't speak a word of the language there, she would need at least 2 years of language course no matter how hard she tried to become Journalist fluent, as the language is just so complex.

Now... Even tought I did write all of that above, I have to admit...

I'm now hitting on a friend of mine in "Tokyo", let's call her Emily, even though I wont go for at least another 4 or 5 months. It's not like I want to "give it back" to Rebecca or anything like that, but I have the feeling to be entitled to it, even though I know that I'm not. 

But I do not feel ashamed, or wrong doing, or immoral or unethical, as I would normally behave in this circumstances. I just really feel numb. It is as if I was single in "Tokyo", but not here. I know I should feel terrible about it, but I don't, and that is the problem. Did I become a bad person? Am I now a guy with a heart so broken that flirting with someone else, and doing exactly what she did to me that left me this heart broken is acceptable?

I know that the flirting with Emily wont lead to anything as she doesn't have real interest in me (as far as I know). But I do wish I could go there and cheat on Rebecca with Emily. I do wish I could go there and cheat on Rebecca with 10 or 20 or 100 other womans, it could be Rebeccas best friend or a friend we have in common, and I believe that I wouldn't feel guilty at all because, as I said, I "have the right to do so, as she did it with me". 

Please, talk some sense into my head. I don't want to have this moral dillema of doing something bad and not feeling that it is bad. I don't want to be that kind of person, I don't want to carry this to other relationships I may have and, most of all, I really do not want to be unable to believe in someone elses love for me.

Sorry for the long text and the broken english. And thank you for your help, even just writing this letter makes me feel like I took 1000 tons from my chest.

I wish you all the best!

Sincerely,

Mark

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Stepping outside your relationship is your choice . Don't blame anyone else's history on that.

You seem bored and conflicted with your GF, now that you're finally together.

It's up to you if you want to continue stepping out on and deceiving your GF.

 

 

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I think don't continue with Rebecca because your whole relationship and history is way too complicated. It's understandable that you don't feel good with her because she cheated. I wouldn't either. If she had like 4-5 guys at the same time in the past, of course you don't trust her.

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You and Rebeccca should never have gotten back together. 

Your relationship with her is dead in the water. I would end it; there's too much resentment, mistrust and drama. The likelihood of it working out well is just about zero, even if you stay faithful. You've been ignoring your own doubts about her for way too long. Start paying attention to them, and set yourself free of this dysfunction. 

Part ways so you can move on. 

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I would challenge the idea that that only kind of relationship that matters and is 'real' is THE ONE onto which we can project our inherited ideals of what fidelity and 'happily ever after' means.

You loved the first girl even while you saw her juggling lots of guys, yet you opted to play the fidelity game with her--knowing full well going IN that she'd fail the standard.

So why would it make sense to pretend that you can offer her fidelity, either?

You are both travelers and neither of you are positioned or ready to settle down with one another, much less offer fidelity, so why torture yourself with that idea?

Date as many women as you wish, enjoy the process, don't make promises you won't keep, and learn what will shake out of that.

Skip the false pretenses of what 'real' means, and enjoy spending 'real' time with whoever you want. Avoid holding anyone else up to a standard you aren't even ready to meet yourself.

EnjOy!

Edited by catfeeder
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You never should have gotten back with her.  When was the last time you saw this woman?

Time to end the relationship.  Leave Emily alone and stop using her for attention.  You're being a user and that is not okay.

Edited by Hollyj
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Seems to me moving to Tokyo is the perfect opportunity to get away from this situation, heal yourself and move on completely. 

Don't mistake a long term relationship of convenience for love. There is no respect here. No reason to hold on to it.  

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