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I see my husband as we pass one another thru out the day as he does his thing in his shop. I am needing, wanting, longing for intimacy or quality time with my husband.  he thinks if we are both at home  then whoop there ya go. not what I had in mind... and believe me I have had this conversation many many times... it always ends up in argument. HELP HELP PLEASEEEEEEE

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Odd 😕 .. usually men are more physical to 'show' their affection, than us, being emotional.

You and your husband have been together for how long?  Maybe he just feels 'blah' about everything, no real 'thrill' and no real drive anymore?

Could it be, like many others, that because you are two are around each other so much (all the time), you don't get any real time apart? Which can also get challenging.  Does he get out at all? Do you? (together or separately).

 

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thanks for replying bc I love feedback. we have been together for 4 1/2 years, married since oct 2020. and he is 9 yrs older than me. and I'm really his first "serious serious" relationship and he says he never done this before and his parents were not together so he is pretty much winging this . literally he goes in his shop at 8-9 am and he will come in house  at midnight if I'm lucky. I fix breakfast,  lunch,  supper  and I may see him briefly but other than that no date night, no shopping together, no watching movies , nothing, just give him his sex 2 times a week and thats it. im alone. literally my family is hours away

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Do you both work? Is this an arranged marriage? If you were together this long, was he like this when you were dating?

Are you from the same culture, country and religion?

It seems like you barely know each other. Why is that?

So, according to you, he comes home for 3 meals a day and wants sex 2 x a week but other than that you don't see each other?

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From a guy:

He is clueless but not stupid.  Winging it does not mean ignoring it.  That is what he is doing, ignoring the relationship.  Relationships are built and nurtured with love and respect. 

  You have become a servant, not a wife and certainly not a partner in a marriage.  Right now there is no down side so why should he change?  Why learn how to be a better husband and partner in this?

Men often times need a truck to fall on them for us to GET IT when it comes to a woman's needs.  I don't like ultimatums but sometimes when you have run out of options you need to be brave enough to go all in.

  Go out into his shop and tell him you are very unhappy and you don't think the marriage can survive if things do not improve.  Then tell him you are making an appointment with a marriage counselor to help US make our marriage better, more loving, more respectful and more intimate.  No nagging, no deals and no threats, just mean what you say and then do it.  Make an appointment when you know he can attend and then inform him when it is.  If he doesn't go then go by yourself and discuss your issues with the counselor. 

You have been doing all the heavy lifting and if he isn't willing to even try then you are faced with only two options.  Learn to live like this the rest of your life or end the marriage and hopefully one day meet someone new.  Living alone (which is basically what you are doing) is better than what you are enduring now.

This is serious and you need to have a serious conviction about trying to fix it.  That means risking it all for a better marriage.

  There is no magic words I can tell you to get him to be better or want to spend time with you, he has to want it and right now he cares very little for how you feel.  No more nagging, no more arguments, make the statement and see if he wants to stay married or not.  It will be his choice, you are just placing it at his feet.

Lost

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Negotiate positively instead of complaining negatively.

Complaining isn't problem-solving, it's blaming. That only prompts defensiveness, and nobody is open to solving a problem when they are defensive.

Make a list of the things you wish husband would say or do that would be of value to you. Make another of the things that he says or does that you wish he would stop saying or doing.

This list gives you clarity about What You Want rather than laying complaints on husband to solve FOR you. This gives you clear points of negotiation for trade.

When you fix meals, don't deliver them to his shop. Set your table and invite him to come in at a specific time to eat with you. From there, ask him to come up with some things that he wishes you would say or do for him. He may not know off-hand, so ask him to think about this to help you form a list.

These will be your bribery lists that the two of you can offer one another in fair trades of things that matter to you. It avoid accusations, such as "you always..." and "you never...". Instead, at any given time you can negotiate something of value to him in exchange for something of value to you.

Successful couples negotiate and bribe a lot. It teaches them what matters to the other rather than holding resentments about the others' lack of imagination. It can be fun and creative and is based on reward rather than punishment.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

Has anyone made suggestions for activities outside of the house?

How does he contribute around the house?  Was he like this prior to marriage?

This is not acceptable in a relationship.  You sound like roommates.   Have you considered couple counseling?

Edited by Hollyj
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On 4/21/2021 at 2:53 AM, lostandhurt said:

From a guy:

He is clueless but not stupid.  Winging it does not mean ignoring it.  That is what he is doing, ignoring the relationship.  Relationships are built and nurtured with love and respect. 

  You have become a servant, not a wife and certainly not a partner in a marriage.  Right now there is no down side so why should he change?  Why learn how to be a better husband and partner in this?

Men often times need a truck to fall on them for us to GET IT when it comes to a woman's needs.  I don't like ultimatums but sometimes when you have run out of options you need to be brave enough to go all in.

  Go out into his shop and tell him you are very unhappy and you don't think the marriage can survive if things do not improve.  Then tell him you are making an appointment with a marriage counselor to help US make our marriage better, more loving, more respectful and more intimate.  No nagging, no deals and no threats, just mean what you say and then do it.  Make an appointment when you know he can attend and then inform him when it is.  If he doesn't go then go by yourself and discuss your issues with the counselor. 

You have been doing all the heavy lifting and if he isn't willing to even try then you are faced with only two options.  Learn to live like this the rest of your life or end the marriage and hopefully one day meet someone new.  Living alone (which is basically what you are doing) is better than what you are enduring now.

This is serious and you need to have a serious conviction about trying to fix it.  That means risking it all for a better marriage.

  There is no magic words I can tell you to get him to be better or want to spend time with you, he has to want it and right now he cares very little for how you feel.  No more nagging, no more arguments, make the statement and see if he wants to stay married or not.  It will be his choice, you are just placing it at his feet.

Lost

Great advice!

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I would suggest reading the book The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman

The book goes on to say we have different ways of feeling loved and for others this may be different than yourself and these include words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, or receiving gifts.

So for example if you feel loved through quality time and your partner through physical touch, of course there can be some misunderstandings, but it is nothing wrong at all!

I once dated someone who felt loved through gifts. Personally, I thought that was very weird and I would have had absolutely NO idea if it wasn't for reading that book and one day asking her. The funny thing is that the gift didn't have to be anything expensive, just a little chocolate and that was enough to brighten her day.

But I think just scheduling nice dates every week would be a great first step since it seems you value quality time. if restaurants are closed due to lockdown then you can do a nice pasta dinner together at home with some nice wine on a day he's not working, for example this Saturday or Sunday.

 

 

 

Edited by mical
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