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I'm not really sure what category my post should go into so I picked this one but maybe feel like it would be good for the dating category.... I may try posting about this again to that category if I don't get many responses.

So, I'm hoping to get men's advice on this matter to hear from their perspective but all advice is welcome. I'm an actress and I'm currently trying to date men. I had a film come out and I'm very upset because I feel that I look hideous in my most important scene in the movie. I look like I aged 15 years older and have accentuated major bags under my eyes, my side profile looks terrible, my face looks bad, uneven eyebrows were painted on, and my hair almost looks like a toupee with the way it was styled. I had a feeling this would happen due to the fact the makeup artist hardly put any make up on my face and was not a good artist and the lighting was horrible, but it's far worse than I imagined. I'm supposed to actually look good in the scene but can't believe how bad I ended up looking due to these circumstances. I wish I had been able to do my own makeup and hair because I would look 10x better since I'm practically a professional with makeup. I also wish I had known that the lighting was bad because I would have spoken up about it, but I had no way of knowing. I showed a female friend and she confirmed that I don't look good in the scene.

Anyway, I need advice on what to do in regards to social media. I'm going to promote it on facebook because I can control the audience so that's not a problem, but my issue is instagram. I'm not sure if I should post to instagram or maybe just avoid posting to instagram.... On instagram, I can't control who sees the post. I'm really worried about men I'm newly dating seeing the post and going to watch the movie and seeing how different and horrible I look in it. I'm worried it may confuse men and make them change their minds about going out with me. There's one really hot guy who I'm talking to who just followed me on Instagram and he thinks I'm gorgeous (because I look good in photos and I put up pretty videos of myself). This guy seems to be hunting me down asking me on a date and he found my instagram himself. We haven't met in person yet. I'm pretty sure if I post about this movie, he will go watch it since it's easily available to find online. I'm pretty embarrassed at the idea of him watching it. I'm not just worried about him, I'm worried about all the future guys I date snooping and watching the movie because with instagram's profile set up, that post will be there forever for anyone to easily find in the future. Also, I'm pretty embarrassed to have some old friends see it, especially my ex bfs and even ex bf's new gf's....I've had one ex bf's new gf snoop at my instagram and I found out because she accidentally liked something. Also, any future boyfriend I end up dating most likely could have ex gf's who will snoop on me too and I don't want them also seeing the movie and then thinking their ex ended up with a less attractive woman. I know women can think this way.... women can be competitive like that especially in terms of exes. So, what I need advice on is do I post about it to instagram or not? My main point of this post is about instagram. Hoping for some honest advice taking all of this into consideration.

Edited by boozybunny83
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you definitely should, who cares what people think! if men think you´re not always gorgeous, do they really deserve you. I also believe the scene looks just fine, as it was not your fault!

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Why do you care what your ex's girlfriends think though? Does it really matter? Well bottom line is it's your social media so that means you can post (or not post) whatever you want. If you don't want to post the link to your movie then don't. Also I understand many people are self conscious about how they appear on social media, but if people can see all your photos of how you look in real life then surely the movie is not a problem? Like when Johnny Depp was Edward Scissorhands, people know he doesn't really have scissor hands in real life lol

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I think I would advise some counseling.   You may have a very hypercritical and exaggerated view of yourself that is not reality.

A guy who hits it off with you and likes you is not going to hyperanalyze every pour or line in your face if he is watching a performance that you did. 

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Let me see if I have this straight...you're worried about posting about the movie on Instagram because some potential future boyfriend who you haven't even met or dated might have an ex girlfriend who might watch the movie and might make fun of you for not looking good in one scene?

I don't mean to make light of something that obviously means a lot to you, but that isn't really a problem.  It's what my mother would call "borrowing trouble".  Worrying about something that has a very small chance of happening is a good way to ruin your present life.

How about enjoying your accomplishments instead?

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9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Let me see if I have this straight...you're worried about posting about the movie on Instagram because some potential future boyfriend who you haven't even met or dated might have an ex girlfriend who might watch the movie and might make fun of you for not looking good in one scene?

I don't mean to make light of something that obviously means a lot to you, but that isn't really a problem.  It's what my mother would call "borrowing trouble".  Worrying about something that has a very small chance of happening is a good way to ruin your present life.

How about enjoying your accomplishments instead?

No, that's something I added in about the future ex gf's... I mentioned that I'm concerned about everyone in general watching and me being embarrassed but especially about the men I'm trying to date. Everything is equally upsetting to me but men watching is the worst because I'm now in my late 30's and really want to be settling down and it's been hard enough to date and find a guy, I don't want to add this issue with the current guy I mentioned in my post ^ as well as future guys seeing the film and getting turned off. The most important thing to me is not my acting at this point in my life (the pandemic put a lot in perspective this past year) and I only act sometimes, it's not even my career. The most important thing to me at this point in my life is finding a guy to settle down with and dating is already hard enough.

 

 

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1 minute ago, boozybunny83 said:

No, that's something I added in about the future ex gf's... I mentioned that I'm concerned about everyone in general watching and me being embarrassed but especially about the men I'm trying to date. Everything is equally upsetting to me but men watching is the worst because I'm now in my late 30's and really want to be settling down and it's been hard enough to date and find a guy, I don't want to add this issue with the current guy I mentioned in my post ^ as well as future guys seeing the film and getting turned off. The most important thing to me is not my acting at this point in my life (the pandemic put a lot in perspective this past year) and I only act sometimes, it's not even my career. The most important thing to me at this point in my life is finding a guy to settle down with and dating is already hard enough.

 

 

If a guy really likes you though then why would he care what you look like in the movie? People generally know that actors just play a character and it's not the real them in real life. Many Hollywood actors have even played ugly, evil or unsavoury characters. I really think you gotta stop worrying what other people think. Especially your ex's new girlfriends or even your ex's.

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2 minutes ago, boozybunny83 said:

No, that's something I added in about the future ex gf's... I mentioned that I'm concerned about everyone in general watching and me being embarrassed but especially about the men I'm trying to date. Everything is equally upsetting to me but men watching is the worst because I'm now in my late 30's and really want to be settling down and it's been hard enough to date and find a guy, I don't want to add this issue with the current guy I mentioned in my post ^ as well as future guys seeing the film and getting turned off. The most important thing to me is not my acting at this point in my life (the pandemic put a lot in perspective this past year) and I only act sometimes, it's not even my career. The most important thing to me at this point in my life is finding a guy to settle down with and dating is already hard enough.

 

 

Have you ever seen films where the actor or actress doesn't look all that great?  What was important was the character and their interpretation, not looking hot.

Wouldn't you want a man you date and have a relationship to appreciate you for being an accomplished, intelligent and creative woman?  If all a man cares about is you looking hot 24/7, well, he'd be pretty shallow wouldn't he?

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36 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, this is about your career.  Post on instagram.  And congratulations!!  

Thank you! But to me this is not my career because I only really do it at this point in my life for fun sometimes, I have a real job that is consistent. My main priority at this point in my life with being in my late 30's is to find a man and settle down. Dating is hard as it is and I'm worried about men I'm trying to date looking at this movie and getting turned off.

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Adding to the other good advice -if I were looking to date someone I wouldn't focus on what the person looked like in a movie.  For example.  Mayim Bialik.  I had a friend who my husband and I thought acted and sort of looked like her.  We meant it in a complimentary way!  But I made the mistake of telling her.  She was MAD.  She said that she felt she was much prettier.  She just didn't buy that we meant overall - her "look" and her personality.  and Mayim Bialik is actually quite pretty "in real life" and of course on Big Bang she's supposed to look quite nerdy. (and I like her looks there too!!)  But it didn't matter.  I'd offended her.  I learned my lesson not to tell people they look like actors/actresses unless that person is objectively hot.  

Here's the other thing -you want someone who admires film, acting, your career choice - and someone who does or is involved will know that photos of you or depictions aren't "you".  

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1 hour ago, abitbroken said:

I think I would advise some counseling.   You may have a very hypercritical and exaggerated view of yourself that is not reality.

A guy who hits it off with you and likes you is not going to hyperanalyze every pour or line in your face if he is watching a performance that you did. 

I mentioned in my post that I had a honest and good friend who I really trust and have known my whole life. She told me I look bad in the scene and pointed out some things I also didn't even mention to her, she noticed it on her own, she could totally understand and said she would be embarrassed as well. 

I really don't want to do anything to turn a guy off before he even gets to meet me in person, dating is so hard and guys disappear for small reasons, I've had guys unmatch me on apps for smaller things and things I said that for some reason I guess they took the wrong way. Guys seem very temperamental these days. 

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4 minutes ago, boozybunny83 said:

Thank you! But to me this is not my career because I only really do it at this point in my life for fun sometimes, I have a real job that is consistent. My main priority at this point in my life with being in my late 30's is to find a man and settle down. Dating is hard as it is and I'm worried about men I'm trying to date looking at this movie and getting turned off.

I just read this.  I didn't understand.  Still it's an accomplishment.  You put a lot of work into it.  I was you in my late 30s - busy career but my main priority was finding a husband and trying to have a baby. Dating was so so hard and I had an online profile on a number of dating sites and husband hunting was my part time job.  I get it.  I didn't love the photo of me on my company's website come to think of it but honestly it never occurred to me that someone would turn down meeting me because one of the photos of me online (this was the only one other than the 4 photos on my dating profile) was unappealing or intimidating, etc.  I guess I gave men more credit.  I was slim, reasonably cute, not a head turner, not a glamour girl.  But I wasn't looking for hot guy either -are you? Please don't let this discourage you -the right guy will think it's incredibly cool that you were in a film!

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2 minutes ago, boozybunny83 said:

I mentioned in my post that I had a honest and good friend who I really trust and have known my whole life. She told me I look bad in the scene and pointed out some things I also didn't even mention to her, she noticed it on her own, she could totally understand and said she would be embarrassed as well. 

I really don't want to do anything to turn a guy off before he even gets to meet me in person, dating is so hard and guys disappear for small reasons, I've had guys unmatch me on apps for smaller things and things I said that for some reason I guess they took the wrong way. Guys seem very temperamental these days. 

No that's not it at all.  Where else do you meet people other than online? It's easy to treat online dating sites like a candy store of course.  but serious minded guys do not.  And you want a serious minded guy, right? Yes, I declined to meet men if I was repulsed by their photo, if they looked unclean or too rough around the edges - but that was also about who they were on the inside - someone who's going to post a photo by their fancy car, or a photo bare chested, or one where they're drunk or smoking -I mean, come on. 

If you truly want to meet a husband please do more than looking on online sites -those sites are great but you need other options as well.

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Why do you care what your ex's girlfriends think though? Does it really matter? Well bottom line is it's your social media so that means you can post (or not post) whatever you want. If you don't want to post the link to your movie then don't. Also I understand many people are self conscious about how they appear on social media, but if people can see all your photos of how you look in real life then surely the movie is not a problem? Like when Johnny Depp was Edward Scissorhands, people know he doesn't really have scissor hands in real life lol

I mentioned in the post that I was supposed to look good for the scene. It would be a different story if I was supposed to have my face look like it was old, or if I was supposed to look hideous...it would be reflected in the context of the film but that's not the case at all for this film. Also, in the case of Edward Scissorhands, it's very obvious that he is supposed to be painted to look like that so there's no question for the audience there. In this film, there is no face paint, no obvious makeup and no reason for my face to be made to look older or worse, there no way to tell from an audience perspective. In fact it looks like I'm wearing not much makeup (since I wasn't) and would certainly make a person think that's what I look like naturally.... Also, pictures posted to social media are chosen by the person who owns the profile and taken at certain angles, etc. only the best pictures are picked out but a super high HD professional camera is picking up everything even down to the pores on the skin so it is in fact actually showing what a person really looks like more than someone's social media pics. That's the bummer for me is I'm sure most people know that an HD camera is showing how a person looks in real life more than iPhone pics. And in this case, I turned out looking badly given the circumstances. 

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18 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

If a guy really likes you though then why would he care what you look like in the movie? People generally know that actors just play a character and it's not the real them in real life. Many Hollywood actors have even played ugly, evil or unsavoury characters. I really think you gotta stop worrying what other people think. Especially your ex's new girlfriends or even your ex's.

I understand your thought process but I'm trying to explain that I'm not meant to look bad in the scene or ugly, it's no the context. The movies and actors you mention are supposed to look bad because of the film story. It's very obvious too. If someone is playing a junkie then they are made to look ugly or playing a monster etc. In this film, that's not what my character is supposed to look like at all, she's supposed to actually look really attractive and young too. 

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21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Have you ever seen films where the actor or actress doesn't look all that great?  What was important was the character and their interpretation, not looking hot.

Wouldn't you want a man you date and have a relationship to appreciate you for being an accomplished, intelligent and creative woman?  If all a man cares about is you looking hot 24/7, well, he'd be pretty shallow wouldn't he?

Yes it's very true he'd be shallow but I've been trying to explain to everyone responding that I'm supposed to look beautiful, young and hot in the film lol. I know there are movies where actors have to look bad for the character like if they are playing a junkie etc. but that's not the case in this film which is what makes this worse. 

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21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Adding to the other good advice -if I were looking to date someone I wouldn't focus on what the person looked like in a movie.  For example.  Mayim Bialik.  I had a friend who my husband and I thought acted and sort of looked like her.  We meant it in a complimentary way!  But I made the mistake of telling her.  She was MAD.  She said that she felt she was much prettier.  She just didn't buy that we meant overall - her "look" and her personality.  and Mayim Bialik is actually quite pretty "in real life" and of course on Big Bang she's supposed to look quite nerdy. (and I like her looks there too!!)  But it didn't matter.  I'd offended her.  I learned my lesson not to tell people they look like actors/actresses unless that person is objectively hot.  

Here's the other thing -you want someone who admires film, acting, your career choice - and someone who does or is involved will know that photos of you or depictions aren't "you".  

Thank you, aw I'm sorry to hear that awkward situation happened with your friend. I actually usually am compared to a gorgeous actress by people I don't know in pictures and in person, but in this movie, I truly just don't look good at all. It's a major bummer and I would feel bad if someone was compared to looking like me in this film! lol. But yes, I definitely need to find a man who gets that things happen on sets of films... 

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15 minutes ago, boozybunny83 said:

Yes it's very true he'd be shallow but I've been trying to explain to everyone responding that I'm supposed to look beautiful, young and hot in the film lol. I know there are movies where actors have to look bad for the character like if they are playing a junkie etc. but that's not the case in this film which is what makes this worse. 

Again, if a guy refuses to date you because of this why would you want him?

What do you feel you have to offer other than looks?

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26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No that's not it at all.  Where else do you meet people other than online? It's easy to treat online dating sites like a candy store of course.  but serious minded guys do not.  And you want a serious minded guy, right? Yes, I declined to meet men if I was repulsed by their photo, if they looked unclean or too rough around the edges - but that was also about who they were on the inside - someone who's going to post a photo by their fancy car, or a photo bare chested, or one where they're drunk or smoking -I mean, come on. 

If you truly want to meet a husband please do more than looking on online sites -those sites are great but you need other options as well.

Only online. It's been impossible to meet men in person since I was in my mid 20's, it's like that for all of my female friends. Hardly anyone meets naturally in person. I wouldn't have even ever had any boyfriends at all if it weren't for online dating. But now with the pandemic, it's impossible to meet anyone in person even though it already was impossible before the pandemic lol. And yes, the men are generally just atrocious and disgusting on the apps lol. It really is not fun weeding through and gets disheartening to see so many wacky people. I also hate seeing men with bare chest pics! Many seem unstable or  narcissistic or the worst issue I have is many are so boring! I can't get anyone to make conversation. This generation is really full of robots who don't know how to communicate and I fear the pandemic just made it worse lol. So when I find one, I feel like he's the rarest gem and I don't want to mess anything up!! Unfortunately, this is the only way to find a husband now and has been for a long time. 

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13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Again, if a guy refuses to date you because of this why would you want him?

What do you feel you have to offer other than looks?

This is true but I'm talking about men who view the film before getting to know me, before seeing me in person, etc. I feel like a man overlooks a woman's appearances only if he has a connection with her which happens in person and through a series of dates, also if he falls for her. I'm talking about men who I know judge someone based off photos and videos because we all do it whether we like to admit it or not. If a guy sees the film before even establishing anything with me or even before meeting me in person, I fear the film could turn him off from wanting to. It's easier to him to just hop back on an online dating app and swipe and connect with a new girl in 2 seconds. Even a good guy might do it. I think I'm a good woman, but heck I also start judging based off the pics I see online and off of one video chat with a guy. If it turns me off a bit, I continue looking on the dating apps and have a half-hearted interest in the guy. 

Edited by boozybunny83
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The trend these days is to be yourself. It's outdated I think to worry too much about what others think or whether you have eyebags or wrinkles. Why do you have to keep living up to the standards of all these strangers and people who give back nothing to you? What do your exs' thoughts mean to you? What do their girlfriends mean to you? Are these people there for you when you're down or feeling upset or sad? Would they visit you if you were sick or in the hospital with a broken rib? Would they celebrate your birthday with you?

If they think you're pretty, do they also know your favourite potato chip or ice cream flavour? Do these strangers have any idea what kinds of movies you like to watch or secret places you like to go to? Do they know your favourite flower or vacation spot? 

What other ways do you measure beauty besides your face or your body? 

In what other ways do you think of yourself as worthy of life or love or joy or laughter? 

I think you are a confident person stuck in a mini teeny tiny world of mirrors. You have the confidence to star in a role and memorize lines or stand infront of a camera. All of that is warped and lost because of that teeny tiny world of mirrors (judgement from insignificant people). They are so small. 

You're so much bigger than that so why don't you leave all of that behind and grow out of all that white noise? I don't think you need it. You have everything you need already. 

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I dont get why you are so concerned about how you look ' in a movie'.. have you not been acting for a while?

If you are looking into dating, why don't you just shove ALL of that aside and be YOU?

That is your side job- being an actress.. and I thin everyone knows people 'act' and people also dress up or down.  It's all just part of the show/movie.

I am sure you are plenty aware how some actors for movies have had to either gain some pounds or lose some- for a part.

So, why not have your profession on the sidelines and just try to have a 'normal life'. - Don't push fact you're an actress onto anyone right away anyways.

 

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40 minutes ago, boozybunny83 said:

This is true but I'm talking about men who view the film before getting to know me, before seeing me in person, etc. I feel like a man overlooks a woman's appearances only if he has a connection with her which happens in person and through a series of dates, also if he falls for her. I'm talking about men who I know judge someone based off photos and videos because we all do it whether we like to admit it or not. If a guy sees the film before even establishing anything with me or even before meeting me in person, I fear the film could turn him off from wanting to. It's easier to him to just hop back on an online dating app and swipe and connect with a new girl in 2 seconds. Even a good guy might do it. I think I'm a good woman, but heck I also start judging based off the pics I see online and off of one video chat with a guy. If it turns me off a bit, I continue looking on the dating apps and have a half-hearted interest in the guy. 

If you think all men are this bad, why do you want to date?  Serious question.

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