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Relationship Dilemma


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I met my boyfriend on a dating app January 2020 and we talked non-stop since then. He lives in Chicago and i’m 11 hours away from him. We still started dating in August since we both fell in love. We have a lot of fights and almost broke up multiple times but we always make up and solve those issues(temporarily at least). He has bipolar disorder and just started going to therapy. I saw him for the first time last week (April 2021). It was amazing and everything I wanted but today( he left) he told me something he’s been hiding. Apparently he dropped out of school 2 years ago and the whole time we knew each other he made up lies about going to class and doing work and stuff. He even said he got a job at a recruiting event but that was to keep up the lie apparently. The other lie is that he’s not a citizen here and he only came here on a visa to study. He lied about his whole family here and just told me he lives with an aunt because he was embarrassed. Now the only way to keep him here is if I marry him. I’m only 20 and I’m scared I don’t know him enough to marry him. I love him though and I don’t know what to do if he leaves forever (10 years minimum).

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I think marrying him would be a HUGE mistake. You've actually met him in real life only once! And you got plenty of proof that you basically didn't even know the real him because he'd been lying to you the whole time. Don't trust anyone who lies and hides things from you straight away. People that blatantly lie may have more things to hide. Trust me, I know because I've had the same thing happen to me. Why are you trying to date a guy so far away from you? Can't you meet guys that you can date in real life?

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There are always reasons people seek out long distance relationships. Because they are too emotionally fearful to be real with someone in 3D, or they have things to hide and nobody local will date them. He reeled you in like a fish and kept you on the line, online, for a long time to develop this fake sense of love. And bipolar besides? Yikes, you have a lot to learn about life. Your brain won't be fully mature in the decision making area, the pre-frontal cortex, until about age 25.

As a person who is older than you, I'm telling you to block and delete this person from your life. Do not date until you gain self worth, because it's severely lacking to even consider a train wreck like this. Please talk to your parents and friends whenever you have decisions to make because obviously you're in no state to do what's best for yourself at the moment. The day you are ready to date, do it locally so you can find out who the real person is far sooner and cut them off if they are toxic, like the person you assume you "love" is. A person who loves you would never ask for something so major that will drastically change your life on a risky venture for his benefit.

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55 minutes ago, love1234 said:

he told me something he’s been hiding. Apparently he dropped out of school 2 years ago and the whole time we knew each other he made up lies about going to class and doing work and stuff. He even said he got a job at a recruiting event but that was to keep up the lie apparently. The other lie is that he’s not a citizen here and he only came here on a visa to study. He lied about his whole family here and just told me he lives with an aunt because he was embarrassed. Now the only way to keep him here is if I marry him. I’m only 20 and I’m scared I don’t know him enough to marry him.

You cannot continue this relationship. Do not marry him either! Relationships are meant to have no secrets, this is how you help and improve each other. If he lied to you about his whole life, then you weren't in love with him in the first place. You were in love with the made-up lies that he made.

I recommend that you try and date someone where you can meet up often so you know they aren't a catfish. 20 is a young age to marry too, so don't waste your life with this guy and move on. 

I know you love him, but do you really love him as he is? He lied to you about his whole life. 

My mom made a mistake believing someone (my dad) was successful, it turns out he lived in a small rental house in the corner of a street. Now she works so we don't have to live like that.

I don't want you to suffer the same mistake my mom did. And I know I won't do it either. Please breakup with him and date someone better. You can change someone, but not their roots. He probably won't change since that's who he is.

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2 hours ago, love1234 said:

 i’m 11 hours away from him. .We have a lot of fights and almost broke up multiple times but we always make up and solve those issues

He has bipolar disorder 

I saw him for the first time last week (April 2021).

the whole time we knew each other he made up lies about going to class and doing work and stuff. 

He lied about his whole family 

 You need to end this ASAP. Bipolar disorder is not treated with "therapy". He's lying about that as well.

He's not who you think he is. He lies to you chronically. Sounds like a scammer looking for something.

Tell your friends and family about all this. Tell your parents what's happening.

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I forgot to mention he’s really motivated and wants to start multiple businesses here. He said he’s going to grind from now and get everything started. He always talks about business so I know he wants to really do it, but is that enough to believe him now? He says he’s done lying because we finally met and he realized he loves me so much more. 

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1 minute ago, love1234 said:

I forgot to mention he’s really motivated and wants to start multiple businesses here. 

He's on a manic high. Tell Your Parents. Do Not Give him money. Get tested for STDs.

Promiscuity is common during mania as well as crazy streams of unrealistic trains of thought, like "all the business he's going to start"..

 Admit to people you got caught up in a cyber-relationship and now it's becoming a real problem.

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1 hour ago, love1234 said:

He always talks about business so I know he wants to really do it, but is that enough to believe him now? He says he’s done lying because we finally met and he realized he loves me so much more. 

Like I said, you cannot change someone by the roots. So it is possible that he may lie to you again. My dad made that mistake and he cannot change who he is, he could only restrict it. Please. All I ask you to do is to NOT make the same mistake my mom did. She didn't have a choice since it was an arranged marriage, but you have a choice. So take that choice and run far away from him.

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This isn't working. He has a disorder that's untreated and he needs help, not a marriage. Wish him well. Do not marry this man. You hardly know him. 

Spend more time with your friends, real friends. Cut off any contact with this person as he's looking to use you only. If you need support reach out to your friends and family for support. 

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8 hours ago, love1234 said:

I forgot to mention he’s really motivated and wants to start multiple businesses here. He said he’s going to grind from now and get everything started. He always talks about business so I know he wants to really do it, but is that enough to believe him now?

NO. Do not do this.... you do not know people well enough re: mental health issue's... Yes, he may be saying all of this (now)- but it will change in a few months - and most likely more lies!

He cannot be trusted & he's lied to you from the start- most likely to try & look good.

He is not stable nor is he trustworthy.  You do not know him at all.

You've spoken a lot, that's it!  And only met once... Not good at all!

He's leading you on and talkking marriage so he can stay in your country.  Soo wrong 😕 

Do not even think twice with this guy.  He's bad bad news.

Get out of this ASAP and keep your distance- should he try to manipulate you.  No more games/lies.. for your own sanity,

Edited by SooSad33
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I don't usually do the age thing but I will.  You're 20.  When I was around your age I was really impressionable especially around train wrecks because it was kind of romantic/exciting/illicit.  Run don't walk.  Sure tell him that he can contact you in three years if he's made good on all his goals and if he can show you he's been truthful in his life and in his dealings.  If he's on meds for the bipolar that have been effective -and you will know because he will be living independently and working etc.  THen maybe you can meet him for a date in a public place.  But don't hold your breath -still really risky.  Have no contact at all now.  Three years from now? Sure -but know that basically you're cutting him off.  Three years will sound the same as forever to him especially since he is so very unstable.  But sure I can see where someone can turn their lives around.  Not because they suddenly fall in love with a near-stranger.  Because over a period of years they take dramatic, significant steps and actions to make a change.  That's motivation.  Not just words. 

When I was 24 I was extremely motivated to make a dramatic career change that would require more school and an entrance exam.  I made the decision on April fools day.  It was a weekend.  Monday morning I signed up for the exam review course.  I started my grad program as soon as I could get admitted, 16 months later.  That's motivation for a goal that counts.  Watch the feet -what he does-not the lips. In three years you will know if his feet matched his lips.  Have zero contact till then.  

Edited by Batya33
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10 hours ago, love1234 said:

I forgot to mention he’s really motivated and wants to start multiple businesses here. He said he’s going to grind from now and get everything started. He always talks about business so I know he wants to really do it, but is that enough to believe him now? He says he’s done lying because we finally met and he realized he loves me so much more. 

OMG!  Your young years and immaturity are showing.  This guy is a LIAR!  He's lied about far too many things.  You don't know the real person at all, you've met ONCE!  Let him get deported to where he came from and you spend your time wisely dating guys in your own area not random liars who live 11 hours away.  You are not at all ready to make a huge decision about marriage at 20.  It's not going to work.  I detect a first class con artist trying to scam you.  Tell your parents about this guy, and listen to them.  Talk to a trusted mature friend.

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How exactly does he plan to start these "businesses"? Does he have thousands of dollars saved up?  Can he afford to go six months to a year with no income while these alleged businesses get off the ground? Who is going to pay the bills in the meantime? You?

What do your parents think of your plan to marry a stranger you met only once? Yes, he is a stranger. Online doesn't count unless you knew each other in real life first.

This is a scammer you fell for. Please do not continue this fraud relationship. 

Edited by boltnrun
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Thank you for the advice. This is going to sound crazy but he lied about dropping out. He got on new medications and felt like he needed to test me to see if i’ll stay through anything. He didn’t even tell me, I found out and confronted him. How do you deal with a partner who has mental problems like this. Am I bad to say it’s becoming too much for me even if I love him?

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Whatever you do, do not marry him!!!!!

16 minutes ago, love1234 said:

Am I bad to say it’s becoming too much for me even if I love him?

Not at all! That would make you an extremely intelligent woman!!

Now, find a way to rid yourself of him. Please.

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1 hour ago, love1234 said:

This is going to sound crazy but he lied about dropping out. He got on new medications and felt like he needed to test me to see if i’ll stay through anything. He didn’t even tell me, I found out and confronted him.

He needed to test you? That's the most bs I've heard in a long time. Whatever you do, just block him and keep him far away. Don't engage in any interaction with him.

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1 hour ago, love1234 said:

Thank you for the advice. This is going to sound crazy but he lied about dropping out. He got on new medications and felt like he needed to test me to see if i’ll stay through anything. He didn’t even tell me, I found out and confronted him. How do you deal with a partner who has mental problems like this. Am I bad to say it’s becoming too much for me even if I love him?

It doesn't just sound crazy, it is crazy.

He's trying to see how desperate you are for a man.

Edited by boltnrun
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7 hours ago, love1234 said:

. Am I bad to say it’s becoming too much for me even if I love him?

You need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

He's a scammer. You're not a psychiatrist and it's not your job to worry about this.

Do you work? Go to college? Live with parents/family?

You could spend your time and energy improving your life circumstances rather than getting entrenched in this cyberdrama.

Talk to a physician about your own moods, health, etc. Ask for a referral to a therapist to unpack and sort out some issues.

Perhaps you're gullible, perhaps you're depressed, perhaps you are just bored. 

Whatever the case there's a reason you got involved in this madness.

That's the place to start. Fix yourself, not some cyber phantom.

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