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Hello everyone

So met a guy from tinder 7 weeks ago and now he has ghosted me, we got on very well, a lot in common, the spark was there, he seemed nice and normal but around the 4 week mark, (I was taking it slow, as with covid, all we had being doing was walking and talking..) he told me he had gotten a sti from someone he was seeing some weeks previous and obviously we could not be intimate, so it was a shock, but ok he isn't the first and not the last, I told him ok, let's see how we get on, it's not a deal-breaker.I was more surprised as he told me he had not really being seeing people as his mom has health issues and he was calling to her house to see her, I decided to not judge too early on. I also wondered if the stuff we did had in common, really was stuff he liked or was just saying it to create a connection, it was a lot of unusual stuff in common anyways, we kept seeing each other, we spent a lot of time together, with out the physical stuff. He kept thanking me for being understanding, he had a really bad sti but nothing serious thank fully. He would talk about making plans for the future, as in dates..but he also talked about us being a couple in the future,  he told his mom about me and family...we just spent 2 days together at the weekend, it was a nice weekend, felt like a friend ship as nothing physical could happen but I still really enjoy his company and im ok with taking it slow. I have not heard from him since Sunday night, I guess I'm being ghosted..

 

I've been on two dates in one year and half, the last guy put in 3 months of dating/effort before I slept with him..due to covid restrictions. And got ghosted by him, is this just dating now??. Why do people put in so much effort for just sex?? How do we ever know who is genuine? I've a few single friends and this is happening to them too. Why do people put on such an act??

 

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2 hours ago, Cara w said:

he told me he had gotten a sti from someone he was seeing some weeks previous

Sorry this happened. It would be best to rule out huge red flags like this very early on so you don't waste time or get attached.

Screen better and when someone presents deal breakers and red flags, just let go and move forward. Don't date people who take risks like unprotected sex. Get tested for covid.

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A near stranger tells you that he got an STI a few weeks earlier, and you are okay with it?   For someone to mention something like that so casually, indicates that this is a common occurrence.  Yuck!     Big red flag.  

You get to know someone by not jumping into bed with them.  Are you attracted to "bad boys?"

Raise your standards as it does not sound like you expect much.  This is the problem.

Edited by Hollyj
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How can it be "a really bad STI but nothing serious"? That is contradictory and makes no sense.

He is not practicing safe sex nor safe pandemic protocols and yet you want to date him? I don't understand.  You could have caught something from him.

Just because you haven't had the opportunity to date much lately (no one has!) doesn't mean you should lower your standards. 

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Most STI's are curable but that's not really the issue here I think. Don't worry about people who are ghosting you and not actually dating you. If someone is not putting the effort in then it's their loss. Yes pickings are slim and dating is hard. But worrying about flakes and people who ghost is just not worth your time.

Edited by Tinydance
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Did he ever disclose which sti is was?  Personally, to my knowledge  a lot of sti's are curable are, but a lot are not.  A good number are virus's that live in your system He could have been sussing you out to see if you'd be up to taking a risk on someone who might put you at risk as well.   A curable sti would have been treatable in a 7 week period.

If things weren't adding up on his timeline, not dating yet getting an sti, chances are pretty good other things don't add up either.

You haven't heard from him in about 18 hours from the time you wrote this.  It doesn't necessarily mean he's ghosted you yet.

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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In my opinion, multi-dating is fine for people comfortable with it, since it often takes time to know if you want to focus on only one person. But are you really okay with dating someone who is also putting his dipstick in other women? Maybe you are. I always stopped multi-dating if I was at the point where I wanted to be intimate with someone.

Yeah, dating is so hard. You don't know if someone is being honest or not about dating goals. The only thing you have control over is trusting your gut, getting info about a person's relationship history to perhaps gauge how he operates, to see if his dating goals match yours, and then have a wait and see attitude. 

Unfortunately, you have to sift through a lot of sand to find the treasure.

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2 hours ago, Cara w said:

Yes you are right, standards have had to be dropped as there is slim pickings out there..I need to raise them again...

 

 

 

 

I’d rather live as a nun than date those types of men.  

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Well he contacted me and he feels it ruined things and feels embarrassed and very apologetic so we have ended it as it's a mess and not sure if we can get past it. I glad I was not ghosted as I may have lost faith completely..

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11 hours ago, Cara w said:

Why do people put in so much effort for just sex?? How do we ever know who is genuine? I've a few single friends and this is happening to them too. Why do people put on such an act??

The answer is, because they can, and because it works.   Also, you have a better idea of who they are, and if they're genuine by taking the time to get to know them before removing your clothes.

In short it rarely ends well when you put the cart before the horse.

 

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He could have just stopped dating until his STI cleared up so that it wouldn't be an issue while dating new people if it was curable. These are red flags or decisions made along the way that make up different people. Him fading out, I believe, has very little to do with you. 

Toss this one and move forwards. Adjust your filters and keep the ones like these out.

Take a break too if things are getting a little murkier than usual online dating or if you feel like your standards are starting to lower due to your surroundings. 

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He has chlamydia, it is curable thankfully but it was nasty, he said that was first time it ever happened to him, it's nearly gone now, too a few weeks to show up, it definitely changes things and did ruin a potentially good relationship.  

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The guys sounds like a flake. Those often screen themselves out if you are careless.

If you're careful, you'll do it FOR them, and without wasting time and investment.

Head high, and raise your bar. Allow bad matches to pass early.

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20 hours ago, Cara w said:

He has chlamydia, it is curable thankfully but it was nasty, he said that was first time it ever happened to him, it's nearly gone now, too a few weeks to show up, it definitely changes things and did ruin a potentially good relationship.  

Glad he was honest though. Now you are free to date others. 

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