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We split up in October and she's moved on. I've never felt this way before.


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Since March 2020, me and my ex girlfriend haven't been able to see each other because of covid. She lives in Canada and I live in the UK. In October, I broke things off as I thought it was the respectable thing to live our lives and have the opportunity to meet other people in these unknown times. We couldn't see each other and I felt helpless. We remained really good friends after this, but as a coping mechanism for not seeing her, I definitely did distance myself. Over 2 weeks today, she told me that she's seeing somebody and that we should remain friends. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions for me , she was my first love and I was planning on reigniting our relationship this summer, but Canada's covid situation is looking very bleak. We've spoke a couple of times after it. She said I had been cold since we had broke up and didn't show enough love to her, therefore shes over me and moved on to someone else. I don't blame her as her life been turned upside down with covid and she's been really lonely. 

I've felt absolutely terrible for the last 2 weeks. Contantly thinking about her. She was a really good friend too. What are these feelings I'm feeling? I'm sad, angry at myself. Missing our daily conversations. I'm struggling to let go and move on myself. This is horrible. Can anybody help? 

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How long did you date and how often did you see one another?

The best medicine is complete no contact.  This also means not following her on social media. 

I'm sorry, that you are dealing with this.  Covid has had such a negative impact in every aspect of life.

It has been six months, it is time to let go.

Edited by Hollyj
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I can empathize with the frustration. She has to learn to deal with things on her own and engage with her own support networks. Unfortunately you are there in the UK and both of you have broken up so resist the urge to swoop in and help. It does more damage in the long run to you and she already has someone else. 

Daily conversations are definitely not recommended. She is an ex. There has to be a boundary there so stop yourself and don't react to emotions only or what you're feeling in the moment. Her suggestion to remain friends is not realistic.

Move forwards and let her go.

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What you are feeling is really quite normal - a sense of loss and grief.

Still, you ended the relationship for good reasons. The only mistake was that you continued to talk and gave yourself this idea that you will get back together eventually, a safety net. So rather than breaking up and accepting it for what it is and moving on back in October, now you are dealing with almost like a second break up, but it's harder and more shocking because she really did move on and now you must too. There is no safety net and no telling yourself that maybe later.....

Next time you end the relationship, accept it as the end completely - no more talking or leaning on the idea that you'll get back together at some point. Keep the break up clean and just focus on moving on because once you break up, the chances of ever getting back together are slim to none. Life moves forward, people move on and so will you after a bit. Grieve the end, but then let go and focus on making new friends, dating others.

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32 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

How long did you date and how often did you see one another?

The best medicine is complete no contact.  This also means not following her on social media. 

I'm sorry, that you are dealing with this.  Covid has had such a negative impact in every aspect of life.

It has been six months, it is time to let go.

We dated for a year. Travelling to each other countries every month or so. In march 2020, I had to leave Canada after 4 days since they went into lockdown. It's hard not to be tough on myself as I did turn cold, but it really was the only way I could cope with not seeing her. I feel like I've really f**ked things up. She said she still loved me up until a month ago. Basically when she started seeing this new guy. I feel so lost. Betrayed (even though I did split up with her 6 months ago). It's got to be my ego that's took a hit here and I just want her out my mind!

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I don't think you messed up anything. Due to the way this pandemic is dragging on, you really couldn't hang on to this long distance relationship forever. Something had to give.

When you ended things in October, she actually treated that as the end - she healed and moved on and eventually met someone else. Unfortunately, you didn't do the same and got a bit stuck on this vague notion of eventually. So now you are where she was in October - having to accept this break up as the real deal and move on.

As for her saying that she loves you....people say a lot of things they don't fully mean or think they mean but don't really. Look at her actions. This new guy didn't just walk into her life by magic - she has been looking and dating and she was free to do so. You can't blame her or fault her for that.

Rather than an ego thing, look at this as much less complicated - don't keep talking to your ex. Go no contact, heal, move on. When you keep talking and maintaining that connection, you keep hope alive and eventually that will bite you in the arse. Cut off contact and do the healing and moving on bit faster next time. It will work better for you and in the long run, be less painful. Nobody needs to "break up" twice.

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1 hour ago, Chodenberg said:

We dated for a year. Travelling to each other countries every month or so. In march 2020, I had to leave Canada after 4 days since they went into lockdown. It's hard not to be tough on myself as I did turn cold, but it really was the only way I could cope with not seeing her. I feel like I've really f**ked things up. She said she still loved me up until a month ago. Basically when she started seeing this new guy. I feel so lost. Betrayed (even though I did split up with her 6 months ago). It's got to be my ego that's took a hit here and I just want her out my mind!

These extremes as mentioned are normal but it's better to acknowledge them than not. One moment feeling betrayed, other moment just wanting to get her out of your mind.

It will get better but only with time. Don't bother forcing it or trying to make it happen in a day or a week. 

You both kept communicating so stop doing that first and let the rest fall into place.

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6 hours ago, Chodenberg said:

I've felt absolutely terrible for the last 2 weeks. Contantly thinking about her. She was a really good friend too. What are these feelings I'm feeling? I'm sad, angry at myself. Missing our daily conversations. I'm struggling to let go

This is exactly what it is.... you're feeling it all and struggling to let go 😕 

No, is not always so easy!

But, is best to go completely No contact in order to work through all of this.. and for you to be able to accept & heal.

She cannot expect you to keep hanging on & be okay with all of her life's adventures.. because you did care and you do hurt.

And yes, it is a shame, when you get involved with a 'friend' and things go bad, is very hard to have it go back the way it was.

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My heart goes out to you. This is the stuff of why it makes no sense to try to play friendzies with an ex. You just end up suffering another break-up all over again, at some point.

Nobody here can tell you whether breaking up was a mistake, so in your shoes I'd assume that it was the right choice because it was the one you made.

The only bandage I'd consider putting on the wound would be to tell her that you want the best for her, you've never stopped loving her, and if she ever finds herself free to see you again during a less restricted time she can let you know. If you're available then, maybe you'll meet to catch up.

Beyond that, I'd unplug from her social media and quit all contact. Grieve, heal, and adopt resilience as your goal.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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