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Lost virginity with prostitute (AMP). Now I am thinking of getting a sex doll.


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AMP Virginity Story

I originally went hoping for handjob. After the massage she asked what I wanted. I spontaneously asked for a bj . She claimed I had a "long" (but not thick) penis. I couldn't feel anything over the condom during the bj. Plus it lacked technique or enthusiasm.

She asked again if I wanted intercourse. I agreed because the bj was bad and it looked like she really didn't want to do it. Given my "long penis" she signaled until what point she could take the penis, and told me to try not to go to deep. Seemed about 4 to 5 inches only in my opinion (I thought these ladies were supposed to be professional smh).  At the time I didn't think the depth would matter.
Intercose lasted around 30 mins. She did eventually take the whole penis I was worried the whole time I was hitting her cervix and was hurting her. 3 different positions doggy, cowgirl, and missionary at the end. I couldn't finish inside her. I was too worried about going too deep, hurting her, or finding the right angle. Towards the end I asked if we can change positions and she told me we only have 5 minutes. So, I asked for a hand job finish. She couldn't stroke fast enough. So, I finished myself off at the end. She claimed she had 2 orgasms, and was surprised I lasted so long having been my first time. At the time I believed her because she pulsated, moaned, and rolled her eyes back, but I obviously don't have experience in telling the difference (I think it was fake but it doesn't matter). I just hoped that at least one person enjoyed it because it just did not feel good for me. I it mean was okay, but I would of much rather prefered a handjob or even just a no-frills massage. I can't justify the cost or risk of stds at all.

Fast foward some time I went to two different AMP for sex each time being worse than the last. I thought there is somthing wrong with me because I thought all men were just supposed to like sex with whoever as long as the woman is atleast semi attractive.

How I Feel Now

The experiences really left me with a sour taste in terms of sex. I just don't want sex anymore. I still masturbate and visit an amp for handjob, but I dont want anything more than that. I have never really liked the idea of dating. And now that I dont really want sex I dont feel like women have anything offer that I can't get through a platonic relationship.  So, I have been thinking of getting a sex doll. I already have a mini sex doll torso (sex doll with adult proportions but very small size and no legs or arms) and I love it! Although, I don't find myself using it all that often. I only which it was bigger and weighed a bit more to add to the realism and enable cuddling.

I have been contemplating holding off buying a sex doll until I after I get a girlfriend or atleast give a dating a fair try. So that I don't close myself off to those experiences before trying them. I still think it's possible to date/be in a relationship while owning sex doll even if many women find it weird, gross, or unattractive. Right now I am worried about the stigma behind sex dolls and that maybe it will make dating a finding a relationship partner in the future more difficult.

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5 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Is there a reason that you have not had sex with someone who is not a sex worker?

 

Ironically one of the biggest reasons was because I was terrified of stds. I never really put myself out or tried flirting or dating or anything. Than in college I didn't really want a relationship. And I never really been able to imagine myself being attractive to female. I have seen stuff online about what women want in a man and I have like only a small percentage of it. During my first date it was pretty obvious she was in to me, but I never felt like I deserved it or understood how she could be into me. Almost like there had to be something wrong with her for her to be attracted to me. 

But tbh a half naked woman has never asked me if I wanted to have sex with her before. I know that's not how it works. But in the end I kinda of just said yes to first person who asked me...

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Have you considered talking to a therapist about your self esteem issues?   

Do you have a friend group?  You sound very lonely.

Edited by Hollyj
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6 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Have you considered talking to a therapist about your self esteem issues?   

Do you have a friend group?  You sound very lonely.

I have been thinking of going to therapy once I switch to better insurance plan that will pay for larger portion of the price. 

I feel like I have good friends until I have to talk about something deeply personal. I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about these things and the few times I have tried my friend or family member either fails to listen properly, belittles my issues, or just throws solutions at me before trying understand how I feel first. And, I end up feeling worse.

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When you can, I definitely think it would be a good idea to get to the bottom of your issues so that you can live a more fulfilling life.  

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1 hour ago, Rony said:

During my first date it was pretty obvious she was in to me, but I never felt like I deserved it or understood how she could be into me. Almost like there had to be something wrong with her for her to be attracted to me. 

 

I'd talk to a therapist about this. If you're not sure about this point or it puzzles you (mental block), I don't know why you'd be worried about a doll. The doll is a distraction for not feeling like you deserve human companionship. Everyone has a right to choice. What you do in your personal time is your business and with what as long as it's not illegal or harmful. 

Just get to the bottom of why you feel so undeserving of being in a relationship. I wouldn't worry about the other stuff right now unless it's just making you feel worse about yourself. 

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I'm a very open-minded person so I'm not judging you at all for sleeping with prostitutes or getting a sex doll. If you felt good sleeping with prostitutes or a sex doll then my advice would probably be to keep doing it. However, from your post you seem unhappy, lonely and disillusioned with sex and relationships. 

Sex with someone you love or at least like (or at least trust) feels good. It feels good because you feel comfortable with each other and you have an emotional connection as well. I think the reason why you didn't enjoy sex with the masseuses/prostitutes is because you didn't actually know each other and you were both not into each other. I mean no offence but even if you're a decent-looking guy with a nice penis or whatever, the prostitute is still not truly into you because it's just her job. I really got the impression that you weren't into them either and you were almost just doing it because you thought you were "supposed to". 

You said that you thought men were supposed to enjoy sex with any woman as long as she was decent looking. Well, I'm not a man so can't comment on the being a man part. But I know that when I had sex with someone I had feelings for and trusted, it felt good. Like, maybe even if it was a bit clumsy at first, it felt safe and nice because I liked that person and they liked me. I haven't done it that much bit if I hooked up with someone I just met, it felt mechanical. I'm just guessing but I don't think every man just likes sex with any woman. Many men are in relationships or married and they prefer to have a serious partner they actually connect with.

If you don't want to date it's your choice but why have you just given up on yourself? Why don't you like yourself? Why don't you believe that a woman would want to be with you?

I can pretty much guarantee that whatever negative things you think about yourself are wrong. If you actually tried I think you could truly be with a woman, both sexually and in a relationship.

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First off, I appreciate the response. You answered one the questions I didn't ask directly. Which was if I had realistic sex and dating was.

I think you are right about the my experience with the sex workers. I think I didn't enjoy the sex because I wasn't comfortable. If I knew or cared for the person it would be alot easier to relax during the experience.

 

Tinydance, "If you don't want to date it's your choice but why have you just given up on yourself? Why don't you like yourself? Why don't you believe that a woman would want to be with you?"

 

I haven't given up on myself I just don't like the idea of having of having to change or "improve" myself to become more attractive. I also never really understood the difference between putting you best foot foward and not being yourself. I don't like traditional gender roles. It annoys me that I am expected to be the intiator, to pay on dates, make more money, handle "*** test", be interested but make it seem like your not interested, treat them poorly on occasion (but not too poorly?), or be "manly" whatever that means? Last I checked being a man meant having a y chromosome and that's that. I want work on becoming the person that I want to be because the values are important to *me* not because others find it attractive, admirable or impressive.

I dont hate myself or anything. I just find myself just average or slightly above average, and average is boring. I don't like my hair. I like it short but people say it "looks better" a little longer so I oblige.I dont care for it. I am not a big fan of my face. I accept it, I mean, I can't really change it all that much. There are ALOT of faces I would prefer like 70 percent of the male population. But other than that I dont mind my features but I never thought I had a personality that is attractive. I am organized, reserved, considerate, humble, understanding, logical. But none of those really scream attractive imo. I don't have money, a high paying job, dating experience, life experience, interesting conversation topics, plus I am introverted +  a bit shy (not the same thing won't talk about it here). I have gotten complements on my intelligence or physical attractiveness, but never really been told I have an attractive personality.

 

NOTE: In the example I wrote above about my first date I forgot to mention that I didn't understand how I didn't do anything and was still attractive to her. I though I had to try be seductive, or have game or something for normal people to attract girls.

Lastly, I dont think I want to be in a relationship. I like the idea of it but after seeing the actual relationships of people in my circle it just doesn't really seem like a positive experience. I have a vision what I want in a relationship and I am convinced it is impossible or impractical. But I still feel like I have needs of connection, sex, and intimacy. But I don't "want" it's like how everyone feels the need to eat,take a ***, or sleep 💤.

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36 minutes ago, Rony said:

It annoys me that I am expected to be the intiator, to pay on dates, make more money, handle "*** test", be interested but make it seem like your not interested, treat them poorly on occasion (but not too poorly?), or be "manly" whatever that means?

Where do you think these expectations are coming from?

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31 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Where do you think these expectations are coming from?

 

Well I have heard from some women in person, online and from friends of friends who have told me that they usually look for men who make the same amount of money or preferably higher. The Pay for dates part I have heard from friends and occasionly online (but mainly from the hispanic community not sure if it is exclusive to that group). The "interested but not too interested" and being treated poorly part was from my brothers which they claim they learned from experience, and heard from some friends. This part might have been poorly paraphrased and would be better said as "being too nice". And the being the "manly" part from "alpha males" online who claim to know the secret to picking up women. The sh*t test was from online and from a brother(which he learned from a relationship expert on youtube and also has his book). Do I have a complete misunderstanding of how attraction works for women or something? I feel like with guys it's simpler but I am biased of course.

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33 minutes ago, Rony said:

Do I have a complete misunderstanding of how attraction works for women or something? I feel like with guys it's simpler but I am biased of course.

I just think it's ironic that you dislike having expectations assigned to you, but at the same time expect all women to be a certain way. I think you're sort of trapped in your own box. I think you should try getting to know women as individuals before believing what other people say about them. Isn't that what you want for yourself? Aren't you tired of being generalized?

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4 hours ago, Rony said:

First off, I appreciate the response. You answered one the questions I didn't ask directly. Which was if I had realistic sex and dating was.

I think you are right about the my experience with the sex workers. I think I didn't enjoy the sex because I wasn't comfortable. If I knew or cared for the person it would be alot easier to relax during the experience.

 

Tinydance, "If you don't want to date it's your choice but why have you just given up on yourself? Why don't you like yourself? Why don't you believe that a woman would want to be with you?"

 

I haven't given up on myself I just don't like the idea of having of having to change or "improve" myself to become more attractive. I also never really understood the difference between putting you best foot foward and not being yourself. I don't like traditional gender roles. It annoys me that I am expected to be the intiator, to pay on dates, make more money, handle "*** test", be interested but make it seem like your not interested, treat them poorly on occasion (but not too poorly?), or be "manly" whatever that means? Last I checked being a man meant having a y chromosome and that's that. I want work on becoming the person that I want to be because the values are important to *me* not because others find it attractive, admirable or impressive.

I dont hate myself or anything. I just find myself just average or slightly above average, and average is boring. I don't like my hair. I like it short but people say it "looks better" a little longer so I oblige.I dont care for it. I am not a big fan of my face. I accept it, I mean, I can't really change it all that much. There are ALOT of faces I would prefer like 70 percent of the male population. But other than that I dont mind my features but I never thought I had a personality that is attractive. I am organized, reserved, considerate, humble, understanding, logical. But none of those really scream attractive imo. I don't have money, a high paying job, dating experience, life experience, interesting conversation topics, plus I am introverted +  a bit shy (not the same thing won't talk about it here). I have gotten complements on my intelligence or physical attractiveness, but never really been told I have an attractive personality.

 

NOTE: In the example I wrote above about my first date I forgot to mention that I didn't understand how I didn't do anything and was still attractive to her. I though I had to try be seductive, or have game or something for normal people to attract girls.

Lastly, I dont think I want to be in a relationship. I like the idea of it but after seeing the actual relationships of people in my circle it just doesn't really seem like a positive experience. I have a vision what I want in a relationship and I am convinced it is impossible or impractical. But I still feel like I have needs of connection, sex, and intimacy. But I don't "want" it's like how everyone feels the need to eat,take a ***, or sleep 💤.

Well the thing is, you don't HAVE to look a certain way, act a certain way, or be a certain way. Is it really society and your peers and friends that are "pressuring" you to fit into certain gender roles? Or is it actually you doing that to yourself?

I'm not sure what country or culture you're from...I suppose some countries do have the more strict or very defined gender roles. I'm in Australia and I feel like here gender roles are changing. When I first started dating in my late teens, guys would pay for me on dates a lot. Now they don't really do it that much. Unless we're just having a coffee in a cafe and they just pay for a coffee.

Even if you live in a more gender norm country, I doubt that you're expected by society to have a certain haircut or certain fashion style and so on. Yes women do prefer a man with a decent job, but I think most women are not gold diggers. They just want a man who works and is not just unemployed doing nothing. I mean, most women can't be a gold digger and look for a rich guy because they don't look like a supermodel or anything. Most women just want a nice guy they like and have a connection with.

If you don't want a relationship, that is totally up to you. It's your choice. But I think from everything you've written you actually have the wrong idea about women, dating and relationships. I'm a woman and I've also been in many relationships. I don't think you really understand how relationships work. It's not just about money or what hair people have. It's actually about finding someone you love and care for, who you have good connection and friendship with.

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4 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I just think it's ironic that you dislike having expectations assigned to you, but at the same time expect all women to be a certain way. I think you're sort of trapped in your own box. I think you should try getting to know women as individuals before believing what other people say about them. Isn't that what you want for yourself? Aren't you tired of being generalized?

Wow, you make a very good point I never looked at it that way.

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well the thing is, you don't HAVE to look a certain way, act a certain way, or be a certain way. Is it really society and your peers and friends that are "pressuring" you to fit into certain gender roles? Or is it actually you doing that to yourself?

I'm not sure what country or culture you're from...I suppose some countries do have the more strict or very defined gender roles. I'm in Australia and I feel like here gender roles are changing. When I first started dating in my late teens, guys would pay for me on dates a lot. Now they don't really do it that much. Unless we're just having a coffee in a cafe and they just pay for a coffee.

Even if you live in a more gender norm country, I doubt that you're expected by society to have a certain haircut or certain fashion style and so on. Yes women do prefer a man with a decent job, but I think most women are not gold diggers. They just want a man who works and is not just unemployed doing nothing. I mean, most women can't be a gold digger and look for a rich guy because they don't look like a supermodel or anything. Most women just want a nice guy they like and have a connection with.

If you don't want a relationship, that is totally up to you. It's your choice. But I think from everything you've written you actually have the wrong idea about women, dating and relationships. I'm a woman and I've also been in many relationships. I don't think you really understand how relationships work. It's not just about money or what hair people have. It's actually about finding someone you love and care for, who you have good connection and friendship with.

Yeah, I agree with you. I used to look at dating as just a game with the winners being the ones with the most options, having the most sex, or turning down the most people. Dating and relationships were just a means to sex, until eventually the pair just becomes comfortable around each other.

Then, I had sex and it was waay below my expectations. I was deluded into thinking that nothing could be gained from dating anymore. What added to that belief was the negative things I would hear surrounding dating and relationships from friends and family. But, I guess I exaggerated the negatives and overlooked the positives, and those comments didn't tell the whole the story of the relationships. Not all women and relationships are the same. So, I need to stop making  expectations based on excessive generalizations. Have my own experiences and form my own opinions.

Finally, I think I wanted to believe that I didn't desire a relationship or sex. Because hearing people feed their ego about how many guys/women they turn down, or how much access to sex they have made me feel unatractive in comparison. I realize now that I was hurting my own ego, and I need to stop searching for confidence in myself from the opinions of others.

Thanks Tinydance, Jilbrata, and to everyone else for reading and posting responses. I feel much better now!

 

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