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Girlfriend gives me cold shoulder for calling her reckless


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My girlfriend and I live in a high-risk country where the number of COVID infections is still increasing rapidly and it is not possible to get a vaccine yet. Since we spend time at each others' place quite a lot, we made this agreement that we reduce contact only to a minimum where we see only relatives and one or two very close friends, so that we don't risk getting infected and risking each other's health while doing so.

Since then, she has met only with 2 close friends of hers plus her flatmate who belongs to the same household. I chose not to meet with any other friends yet because I didn't want to risk it although I was fine with her meeting 2 others even though we were aware of the risks.

Yesterday, she tells me that her flatmate invited this friend home that I have never met for brunch and she joined them to eat together in the same room so she has spent an hour there without a mask, eating and talking.

Hearing this, I get super concerned about her getting sick because we have no idea where this friend has been in the last few days and with whom she had contact. I also get upset with her for breaking our agreement and having to cancel our plans early this week because now I have to wait for 5 days to see if she has any symptoms or not and obviously not risk myself also getting infected. I think her behaviour was inconsiderate.

As a result of this, I send her a text saying I am concerned about her getting infected and I am also sad that we now have to wait another 5 days to see each other again. I also told her I don't understand how she could be so reckless and take such a risk.

After telling her this, she gets angry at me for calling her reckless and snaps out at me by saying "I come to your place all the time, taking risks and you call me reckless? You know what? I will not come anymore.". I call her to explain the situation and she won't respond. Then I text her trying to explain myself and how much I am concerned, worried and such and she just ignores my texts and goes to sleep without responding, giving me the silent treatment.

Am in the wrong here?

Edited by adonis_boy
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2 hours ago, adonis_boy said:

she gets angry at me for calling her reckless and snaps out at me by saying "I come to your place all the time, taking risks and you call me reckless? You know what? I will not come anymore.". I call her to explain the situation and she won't respond. Then I text her trying to explain myself and how much I am concerned, worried and such and she just ignores my texts and goes to sleep without responding, giving me the silent treatment.

Who decided this 5 day rule thing?

She's right. You're making up strange "rules" that have little to do with facts about Covid transmission.

It's Your responsibility to protect yourself in whatever way you see fit.

However it's very naive to think controlling others will protect you from Covid.

It seems like this discord has been brewing for a while. Mosty due to your uninformed choices about Covid.

As you know, you or she could easily get it from roommates, co-workers, random strangers etc.

 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who decided this 5 day rule thing?

She's right. You're making up strange "rules" that have little to do with facts about Covid transmission.

It's Your responsibility to protect yourself in whatever way you see fit.

However it's very naive to think controlling others will protect you from Covid.

It seems like this discord has been brewing for a while. Mosty due to your uninformed choices about Covid.

As you know, you or she could easily get it from roommates, co-workers, random strangers etc.

 

I am not making up "rules". It is an "agreement" between two people that see each other and share an apartment 80 % of the time. That's what two people in a relationship do.

So your suggestion is that she goes out and meets anyone, gets infected, maybe dies. And I avoid her not to get infected? Maybe breakup all together? Is this how you suggest that I solve my relationship conflicts?

Do you then go meet all kinds of people and then come home and spread the virus to your family and kids? Then it is their fault if they don't want to see you because they are trying to control you? That's what you tell them in the hospital bed.

I am not here to discuss Covid findings. Anyone that has access to internet can read them. 

You do not have to copy paste your reply on all the other sites that I posted this to get different opinions. I get it when I read it once.

Thanks for the input but no.

 

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Telling her that you are concerned and upset was OK.

Calling her reckless is where you stepped too far and essentially insulted her. So in that aspect you are absolutely in the wrong and got a reaction that was warranted. Don't push conflict to where you start name calling your partner even if it's just "reckless". As you can see, it doesn't lead to resolutions but rather escalates conflict. Now she is rightfully angry with you and this conflict is no longer about your covid agreement, but rather how you are talking to her.

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Let her cool down a little first.

Then apologize for calling her reckless.  She didn't hide any information from you so all you had to do was tell her since she was around so many people you are not comfortable seeing her until some time has passed just to be safe.

You decide what is best for you and she decides what is best for herself.  Was she reckless? To you yes she was but to her she wasn't.

You cannot control her nor should you try.  Let her be who she is and if that person is not compatible with you then end the relationship.  Don't try and mold her into something she is not.

The pandemic has strained a great many relationships so step back a little and see that you overreacted and apologize.

Lost

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12 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Telling her that you are concerned and upset was OK.

Calling her reckless is where you stepped too far and essentially insulted her. So in that aspect you are absolutely in the wrong and got a reaction that was warranted. Don't push conflict to where you start name calling your partner even if it's just "reckless". As you can see, it doesn't lead to resolutions but rather escalates conflict. Now she is rightfully angry with you and this conflict is no longer about your covid agreement, but rather how you are talking to her.

I agree, I was right to the point that I called her names. That was not necessary. I will apologise. Thank you very much for your input.

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3 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Let her cool down a little first.

Then apologize for calling her reckless.  She didn't hide any information from you so all you had to do was tell her since she was around so many people you are not comfortable seeing her until some time has passed just to be safe.

You decide what is best for you and she decides what is best for herself.  Was she reckless? To you yes she was but to her she wasn't.

You cannot control her nor should you try.  Let her be who she is and if that person is not compatible with you then end the relationship.  Don't try and mold her into something she is not.

The pandemic has strained a great many relationships so step back a little and see that you overreacted and apologize.

Lost

Absolutely. I am not 100 % innocent. I will definitely apologise. It wasn't necessary to call her names to solve the issue at hand.

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Never discuss important things over text. It sometimes lacks the correct tone you're going for. It would've been okay for you to decide not to see her for 5 days to protect yourself, and that should've been the only info communicated. After that, you could've waited to see how she chose to operate in the future. If she valued your company, she would avoid being around anyone other than her inner circle, in order to spend time with you. If she didn't care about your personal rules or your company, she would've repeated the same behavior of being around more than those few friends.

Time will reveal all without lashing out in anger. I hope your apology is accepted. 

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I'm glad you're mature enough to apologize. Please call her (no text!) and explain you are sorry for calling her names and you realize it was wrong of you. Don't deflect or make excuses, just a simple "I'm truly sorry. It was completely wrong of me to call you 'reckless'". 

And for the record, I too wouldn't be comfortable with what she did. Covid is transmitted from person to person by breathing in the virus. That's how I got it. I wasn't hugging or kissing or climbing all over the person I got it from. We simply live in the same house and breathe the same air. 

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I wouldn't be comfortable either with her choices but that's her choice. You control your own life and if you have to wait it out then both of you will have to wait it out. If it keeps happening, maybe both of you are not compatible or don't share the same outlook or concerns.

Even after you apologize, let the dust settle. Both of you still have to agree on how you handle these types of social situations and if you don't agree, respectfully agree to disagree and go your separate ways.

I don't think you should feel guilty/ashamed/foolish/pressured into mingling with anyone who puts your health at risk. 

Good for you for looking out for your own health. 

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I agree with letting this all settle a bit then calling her.

I also agree with you waiting the 5 days for what has happened, I would as well.

I know a few people who've had to do this - one has begun to show symptoms 😕 .. So, yes, wait a bit & see that she is in the clear.

I know this has set so many off - it is difficult and has been for a while.. I'm sure she will see your concerns. And hopefully come around to understand your concerns....

Be as you are : cautious.  Call her tomorrow maybe, hopefully she picks up & have a good chat .

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You are aware that one can be sick w/o symptoms, as many people do not have any  for the full course.   Waiting 5 days to see if she is symptomatic is silly, I suggest you educate yourself on the virus.  Why doesn't she simply get tested in 3-5 days time?

 

I do not think you are wrong, but calling her "reckless" was a bit much.   I am also wondering why you are not meeting with friends outdoors and social distancing?  

Edited by Hollyj
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A better choice of words may have sent a kinder sounding message.   Although on the  other hand, you're placing yourself in the same position you're faulting her for, by allowing her to visit you at your place.  If she's risking her health, she's risking yours, as well.

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46 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

You are aware that one can be sick w/o symptoms, as many people do not have any  for the full course.   Waiting 5 days to see if she is symptomatic is silly, I suggest you educate yourself on the virus.  

Agree. Your off the cuff "rules" are silly and inconsistent with WHO/CDC guidelines. You and you alone are responsible for your health, covid testing, registering for vaccines, etc. 

 Pointing fingers does not reduce your risk.  She can do whatever she wants and if you find it risky, then stand back. Certainly you also realize you can contract it from just about anyone you come in contact with.

This seems more like a relationship/control/anger issue than fact based covid issue.

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My friend -and her friends -got it by simply going out for dinner indoors.  Except they did this right before the actual pandemic hit in March 2020 -before we knew what to do, the extent, the risks.  One of the people who got sick was hospitalized.  Just from dinner - people in their 40s-ish.  I think it's very important to come up with what risks you're willing to take and to agree that you both feel comfortable. 

For example my husband and I disagree about the extent to which covid is transmissible on surfaces but he basically defers to me as far as how we handle food items and when I realize he is not or not to my standards I very carefully choose my battles and often defer to him because I know his standard is probably more accurate than mine and I am more anxious than he is.  We've also had to communicate about meeting with people outdoors and it's not easy to even talk about it, because we're not totally on the same page but I mean this is life as part of a couple -some tough convos.

 But again pick your battles.  It's another matter if she is not being truthful with you about her actions.  That would not be ok with me at all.  It sounds like she resents your standards and how you've imposed them on her. i agree with apologizing about the personal attack.  It's hard and I'm sorry!!

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My boyfriend are on a similar page where covid is concerned, but there have been a couple of trying times.  I get your knee jerk response and it seems like you took her actions personally.  As if she chose them over you.

After a few instances I have learned to not personalize it but rather just state my position respectfully.  I understand that it is my bf's right to chose his own path and we are either are on the same page or not.

My bf's son was at a brunch with all of his friends on a Saturday.  Sunday morning he's texting, wanting to have a bbq with his dad and I and I respectfully passed and made plans to go home.  My bf took if very personally.  We tried to talk it out and on my way out the door he announces his son wasn't coming over after all.  By that time it was too late and I don't know why he didn't tell me it wasn't happening sooner.  I told him I loved him, but still declined staying over that Sunday afternoon and we both spent it alone. 

This moment passed and I respect his choices, but his choices have an impact on my decisions.. .and vice versa.  It's not always easy.

It was a challenging moment, but I think you realize it wasn't so much about the choice made, but rather the way the challenging moment was handled.   

Tell her going fwd that you will respect her choices, but to please understand that you may have to pass on seeing her for a few days in meantime and you can both look fwd to seeing each other after that time has passed.  It's pretty much what I did. 

I had to let go and let him make decisions that were best for him.  I work around it, at the same time staying clear, respectful and firm about my stance.

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I've been careful to avoid insulting others for their level of judgment during the Covid. Instead, I'll just kindly enforce my own boundaries--for my Self-only.

I'll learn about any risks they've taken, and if I'm not comfortable being exposed to them, I'll gently postpone any plans we've made--for 14 days, not 5. Unless they test negative before then.

Asymptomatic spread, especially with all the new variants, is increased, not decreased, since the early days when we all counted two weeks or so to learn whether we'd develop symptoms from any potential exposure.

But testing is more readily available now. 

You don't need to debate or build a case. Just state your own boundaries with any given instance of someone else's risk, and don't tisk-tisk anybody for what they've already done and cannot un-do.

As you've already noticed, that doesn't get you any closer and sooner.

Head high, we all live and learn.

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