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GF of over 2 years lying and breaking trust or I'm being insecure


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Me (17m) and my girlfriend (17f) started dating over 2 years ago. We started off strong and are really close but that's been kind of changing.

She's my first girlfriend and I learned a lot from being with her but some huge trust issues are starting to come up.

In the beginning of our relationship she was flirting with another guy and even thought about leaving me for him. In month 1.5 she made a pros and cons list and obviously I won since we're together.

Fast forward 10 months after that point I had an argument with her because I always suspected her liking that guy and just wanted her to admit it. She made me feel stupid and insecure by saying "why would you even say that" "you're accusing me of all this and our 1 year is coming up" "how could you think I could do that" and the usual manipulation and gaslighting. 

A month after our 1 year she finally admitted she flirted with him and to my shock she still looked at his bitmoji (personalized character on snapchat) at night and remembered him and missed their "memories". They only talked for a few months and never met in real life.

I got her to admit by promising I wouldn't be mad if anything happened between them and told her to act like im her girlfriend and she's just ranting to me. While she was admitting the stuff she did she even said "idk how you're not mad I would be crying so much if you did this". I was heartbroken behind the screen and had to keep up the act so she tells me everything. We both consider flirting with someone straight cheating and it's a valid reason for breaking up. Since it was the beginning (even though she said we will be exclusive once I ask her out) I forgave her. Also, she had flirted with him a few months before me but stopped and then started again and sending pictures of herself after we started being exclusive.

That was my first heartbreak because a year into our relationship I find out that my girlfriend who I deeply love still thinks about another guy and has some emotional attachment.

Now it's almost been a year since I found out and I'm over it. We've been going strong but I keep finding lies in our relationship and I just don't get why.

She's had an anonymous Tik Tok account for about 3 weeks now and she's not sharing the name of her account because she'd be embarrassed if she posted something and it only got a few likes.

I say okay because I understand and let her be free with posting whatever without me knowing.

Recently I accidently stumbled across the account while scrolling through my feed and decided to look through the videos she posted.

There's this trend going on where you post someone you'd f*ck (as in have sex with). She posted that and the guy was a character named Zuko from Avatar. It's an animated series so he's a cartoon and all the girls over tik tok thirst over him as well. 

I don't care that she posted that. She admitted she would f*ck him if he was real and I told her I would f*ck this other girl character too.

Clearly we both don't care.

So she still doesn't know I found her account and I ask her "are you sure you showed me all the tik toks you ever posted". She says yes and even promises me a bunch of times. I ask her a bit more and she starts saying "ur so annoying" "what is your problem i showed u everything". 

The problem is she showed me everything but that one of Zuko. 

Again I do not care she posted that but why would she lie about it and promise me (we take promises real serious) and even call me annoying for saying that I think there's more that she isn't showing me.

It's just these little lies that really annoy me. Why hide something so small and make me think I'm in the wrong and even manipulate.

There's been other little lies in the past few months and I told her I don't care if you did it I just care that you hide it from me and go to such lengths to keep up the lie.

Another example is she posted a TikTok of her lip syncing to a song about taking 11 inch d*ck (I do not have a 11 inch penis) and she hid for a bit and finally showed me. 

I brought it up just 4 days ago and I told her "I didn't even care at all that you made the video I'm just mad why you think I'm going to get mad at something and still do it and then not show me for a while or never until I find out myself"

At the end of that conversation she apologizes and says she won't hide anything from me anymore.

Now I'm here wondering why she hide something again and even turn the blame on me.

Bottom line: What am I doing wrong? How can I improve myself so this doesn't happen? Am I just being insecure or are these real trust issues? Is it her fault?

 

Edited by cMore124
f word was censored
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She's allowed to have her own social media life that you're not privy to. Couples should respect each others privacy and don't have to be joined at the hip in every aspect of life. You're policing what she does, acting as a private detective questioning her, and then she lies to prevent the drama that's stewing within you.

When a relationship is regularly upsetting for one or both partners, it means it's time to move on. She flirted with someone else because she's likely too young to be serious right now. Many teen relationships don't last too long as people are exploring and want to experience many dating experiences before finally becoming serious. And people change so much from the teens to the late twenties, that it's unrealistic that you've found a lifetime partner when the relationship started while in the teen years. There are people who I was close friend with during my teens that I don't want anything to do with as an adult.

For now, don't check on her social media since it upsets you and you become a controlling monster. If you don't have a fulfilling life besides your gf, develop one. You acting as a parental figure is exactly what she'll see you as. Not very romantic. If there's a breakup, you'll be okay. Most of us go through many throughout a lifetime.

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1 hour ago, cMore124 said:

How can I improve myself so this doesn't happen? Am I just being insecure or are these real trust issues?

Sorry this is happening. When you are jealous of a bitmoji, it's time to reflect on your jealousy, possessiveness and controlling behavior. Set each other free.

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Hi Adrina,

I understand that she's allowed to have a private social media without me being in it. That's why I allowed her to have one. I accidentally stumbled across it I wasn't even looking for it.

I wouldn't check on her social media at all in fact she's the one who asked for my instagram and snap password to see my conversations with other people.

That's where this started. Also, she did admit she would ask me to show every video I made if I had an anonymous account as well.

I realize this is very immature of us but if I changed my password or asked for a more private life myself there would be a big fight and major trust issues on her side.

I do have a fulfilling life from my side projects and that's the reason I wake up out of bed in the morning with passion.

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24 minutes ago, Andrina said:

She's allowed to have her own social media life that you're not privy to. Couples should respect each others privacy and don't have to be joined at the hip in every aspect of life. You're policing what she does, acting as a private detective questioning her, and then she lies to prevent the drama that's stewing within you.

When a relationship is regularly upsetting for one or both partners, it means it's time to move on. She flirted with someone else because she's likely too young to be serious right now. Many teen relationships don't last too long as people are exploring and want to experience many dating experiences before finally becoming serious. And people change so much from the teens to the late twenties, that it's unrealistic that you've found a lifetime partner when the relationship started while in the teen years. There are people who I was close friend with during my teens that I don't want anything to do with as an adult.

For now, don't check on her social media since it upsets you and you become a controlling monster. If you don't have a fulfilling life besides your gf, develop one. You acting as a parental figure is exactly what she'll see you as. Not very romantic. If there's a breakup, you'll be okay. Most of us go through many throughout a lifetime.

I understand that she's allowed to have a private social media without me being in it. That's why I allowed her to have one. I accidentally stumbled across it I wasn't even looking for it.

I wouldn't check on her social media at all in fact she's the one who asked for my instagram and snap password to see my conversations with other people.

That's where this started. Also, she did admit she would ask me to show every video I made if I had an anonymous account as well.

I realize this is very immature of us but if I changed my password or asked for a more private life myself there would be a big fight and major trust issues on her side.

I do have a fulfilling life from my side projects and that's the reason I wake up out of bed in the morning with passion.

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20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. When you are jealous of a bitmoji, it's time to reflect on your jealousy, possessiveness and controlling behavior. Set each other free.

It's not the bitmoji I'm jealous about. Sorry for the bad writing.

She looks at his bitmoji because she doesn't have a picture of him. I don't think I'd feel too great if she stared at pictures of him at night missing him on an emotional level where she likes him.

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2 minutes ago, cMore124 said:

I understand that she's allowed to have a private social media without me being in it. That's why I allowed her to have one.

OP, what you need to understand is that you don't get to "allow" her to do anything. You are her boyfriend, not her parent. She doesn't need your permission for these things, so it would be wise to re-think how you perceive this. 

However, I also think she's being a typical teen in many ways. She's immature and not great at this relationship thing yet. Neither are you. You are both fumbling (telling her to imagine you're her girlfriend so she would "vent" to you about another guy? - dude, no, that's not how real life works) and you've both made mistakes. But, you're also both very young and inherently inexperienced, and your behaviour with each other reflects that. None of us really knows what we're doing at 17 years old, but we learn along the way. 

Your relationship has been winding down for a while. I think she's trying to assert her independence from you and is growing away from you. Her private social media is a symptom of the bigger issue. 

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Just now, MissCanuck said:

OP, what you need to understand is that you don't get to "allow" her to do anything. You are her boyfriend, not her parent. She doesn't need your permission for these things, so it would be wise to re-think how you perceive this. 

However, I also think she's being a typical teen in many ways. She's immature and not great at this relationship thing yet. Neither are you. You are both fumbling (telling her to imagine you're her girlfriend so she would "vent" to you about another guy? - dude, no, that's not how real life works) and you've both made mistakes. But, you're also both very young and inherently inexperienced, and your behaviour with each other reflects that. None of us really knows what we're doing at 17 years old, but we learn along the way. 

Your relationship has been winding down for a while. I think she's trying to assert her independence from you and is growing away from you. Her private social media is a symptom of the bigger issue. 

That's very true. Sometimes we do or say things and just a few months or even weeks later we cringe at the fact that we even said that.

I'm glad we're showing signs of fast maturing but I just hate the lies. I don't care about the social media account at all I just care about the bigger issue like you said.

I worded it wrong my saying I allowed her. She just told me one day that she has an anonymous account and I said okay that's cool I hope you get tons of followers and gave her tips on what to add in her videos as well.

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Just now, cMore124 said:

I'm glad we're showing signs of fast maturing but I just hate the lies. I don't care about the social media account at all I just care about the bigger issue like you said.

And that's where I would keep your focus. 

She hasn't been as into this relationship as you are, nearly from the beginning. It's not a question of forgiving her, really, but recognizing when someone just isn't on the same page as you. 

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2 hours ago, cMore124 said:

In the beginning of our relationship she was flirting with another guy and even thought about leaving me for him. In month 1.5 she made a pros and cons list and obviously I won since we're together.

Oh, how sweet of her.. 😕 

2 hours ago, cMore124 said:

I say okay because I understand and let her be free with posting whatever without me knowing.

Does it really matter what all she is doing?  Does she needs your approval?

2 hours ago, cMore124 said:

Again I do not care she posted that but why would she lie about it and promise me (we take promises real serious) and even call me annoying for saying that I think there's more that she isn't showing me.

The thing is.. is you DO care.  But, you two are still young!  Some things you need to just leave alone..

Your problem is TRUST.  YOU have been set off since the beginning of getting involved with her!

Yeah, sounds like you both have issue's.. It sounds like you are both a tease- lead each other on etc.. 

Do NOT play head games... I feel you two are just setting each other off.

If you do NOT trust, this is going to go all downhill.

STOP trying to figure out all she is doing!  If she wants to play, she is going to play.. Like I said, you two are still so young.

If you do not like her behaviour, get out of it all. Simple.

She will do what she wants... thing is, can you handle it?

Edited by SooSad33
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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Oh, how sweet of her.. 😕 

Does it really matter what all she is doing?  Does she needs your approval?

The thing is.. is you DO care.  But, you two are still young!  Some things you need to just leave alone..

Your problem is TRUST.  YOU have been set off since the beginning of getting involved with her!

Yeah, sounds like you both have issue's.. It sounds like you are both a tease- lead each other on etc.. 

Do NOT play head games... I feel you two are just setting each other off.

If you do NOT trust, this is going to go all downhill.

STOP trying to figure out all she is doing!  If she wants to play, she is going to play.. Like I said, you two are still so young.

If you do not like her behaviour, get out of it all. Simple.

She will do what she wants... thing is, can you handle it?

Thanks for the really good points. 

I would be able to handle the thing she does and I did at the beginning but whenever I do the same exact thing as her she gets mad at me and tries proving it's different.

So whenever these things happen I'm initially okay with it but then I get upset because If I did the exact same thing as her she wouldn't like it and get mad at me.

It's more about her not handling her own behavior if the roles were reversed. If I was flirting with another girl or did even half the stuff she did I'm positive she would've moved on by now. I try being the mature one.

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5 minutes ago, cMore124 said:

It's more about her not handling her own behavior if the roles were reversed. If I was flirting with another girl or did even half the stuff she did I'm positive she would've moved on by now.

This is the sign of an unhealthy relationship, OP. 

What are you still doing there?

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10 minutes ago, cMore124 said:

I would be able to handle the thing she does and I did at the beginning but whenever I do the same exact thing as her she gets mad at me and tries proving it's different.

Okay, but WHY do you or would you do this, same thing?  Mind games? Testing her?  Don't.

Like I will repeat, you two are still young.. your respect & maturity & sound mind is really not present....

12 minutes ago, cMore124 said:

It's more about her not handling her own behavior if the roles were reversed. If I was flirting with another girl or did even half the stuff she did I'm positive she would've moved on by now.

Okay, then.. so why don't you move on?

Do you enjoy this crap challenge? 😕 

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Do you guys spend time together in person or is this an online-only relationship?

Also, you are teenagers.  It's normal for teens to be testing out relationships and how they work.  And based on how much time teens spend online it's not surprising an artificial level of importance is placed on online interactions.  But those are not the real world.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Do you guys spend time together in person or is this an online-only relationship?

Also, you are teenagers.  It's normal for teens to be testing out relationships and how they work.  And based on how much time teens spend online it's not surprising an artificial level of importance is placed on online interactions.  But those are not the real world.

We meet 1-3 times a week in real life. We used to go to the same school for 2 years until corona closed it down. We met daily during that time and got really close. Our parents know each other too and we're allowed to come over sometimes.

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Choose your battles. This isn’t a good one. Trying to catch her in a lie with all of that “Are you SURE you showed me all the videos” is controlling, possessive and immature. The only thing you will get from such continued behavior is being dumped. 

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Yes, as many things in life, breakups are hard. And you can love someone even if the relationship is unhealthy. In going your separate ways, you will mourn, heal, and then move on. Get used to it because people have to usually do this many times before getting enough life experiences under their belts to choose wisely.

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Let me break this down for you.

You are afraid of losing her but YOUR actions as you described them are going to be the thing that ruins this even more until she breaks up with you.  You better stop now or she will be gone soon.

You need to figure yourself out.  By that I mean what you are okay with and what you are not okay with.  I mean honestly okay with, not the BS you are telling yourself just to keep her around.  Then you have a discussion (a real discussion in person, no electronic device between you) and listen to what she thinks is okay behavior in a relationship and what is not.  These are boundaries in the relationship and everyone's are different.  For example some people think it is perfectly okay to stay close friends with ex's and hang out with them alone once in a while.  To many people it is totally unacceptable.  You see where I am going here.

Once you talk then you both can decide if your ideas about how a relationship should be are close enough to the same you can continue seeing each other.

This is all about growth and learning.  You were 15 when you started dating which was total kid stuff but now you are very young adults and people change a lot from 15 to 18.  You aren't kids anymore.

Step back and see what is really important to you in this relationship and focus on that and let her be who she is.  If that person is not who you can be with without acting all controlling and checking up on her all the time then you don't trust her.  No trust equals bad relationship.

Lost

Edited by lostandhurt
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