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New Guy and the dreaded ex


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Hey everyone!! So I meet this guy online and we went on like 4 dates. I FELL HARD for this dude, (I know what you are saying 4 dates, really??). When we were together it was perfect in every way, I finally felt like I met my guy after going on multiple dates that never worked.  

Anyways, we touched on our past relationships and he said he was 3 mos out of a relationship. My guard immediately went up and I thought rebound, right?

So, the other day he calls and essentially told me he needs to take some time for him because his head was all over the place and he still had feelings for his ex. I told him i completely understood as I was out of an broken engagement just 9 mos ago, so i get it.  

I know I need to give him space, and I have no problem doing so. 

I guess my question is, is it worth waiting out? Would you guys wait? I want to be with him more than any other man ive ever met but I dont want to wait forever.  

Its a tough spot and its tearing me apart literally.  .

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I am sorry this happened.  You fell hard.  But here's some things to consider-- these feelings are yours.  You created them based on your notions of this guy.  There is no way after 4 dates, they are real.  Sure if things had continued maybe they would turn into real feelings.  But right now, you need to tell yourself a different scenario.  Our brains are amazing, they will believe what you tell them...  

But to answer your question-- Hecks to the no!  I would not wait for this man or any other.  Consider it this way-- are you interested in some sad sack that is willing to put their whole life on hold for you after four dates?  NO!  it is a huge turn off.  

I'd run away from this whack job.  He's obviously got problems.  

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2 minutes ago, OSU0090 said:

Yea Lambert I guess you are right.  I wouldn't want to miss out on someone that truly was in it for me.  

Me and my f’d up brain lol.  
 

 

Exactly!  it's not about this guy.  It's about wasting your time and potentially missing out on better!  I never understand people who are afraid to be alone.  When you are alone, you have all the options, all the choices.  And when a winner comes along-- it's a no brainer.  

Love should be a no brainer.  Happy, fun, supportive..... 

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1 hour ago, OSU0090 said:


I guess my question is, is it worth waiting out? Would you guys wait? I want to be with him more than any other man ive ever met but I dont want to wait forever.  

Its a tough spot and its tearing me apart literally.  .

How can you possibly know this in four dates?

Give yourself a week or so and these feelings will subside. You're caught up in the idea of being in love with someone again but at four dates both of you hardly know one another. This is not love and you've attributed more worth or value to him in your life than he should ever have had in this short period of time. 

Don't date for awhile. Get grounded and find peace with yourself and the end of your previous engagement. I think you need more time. Don't ever give some unknown stranger you've known in a short period of time that much hold or power over your decisions or the way you live freely or in accordance with what you believe or desire for yourself. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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28 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

 

How can you possibly know this in four dates?

Give yourself a week or so and these feelings will subside. You're caught up in the idea of being in love with someone again but at four dates both of you hardly know one another. This is not love and you've attributed more worth or value to him in your life than he should ever have had in this short period of time. 

Don't date for awhile. Get grounded and find peace with yourself and the end of your previous engagement. I think you need more time. Don't ever give some unknown stranger you've known in a short period of time that much hold or power over your decisions or the way you live freely or in accordance with what you believe or desire for yourself. 

 

You and Lambert are both right.  I don’t know how I could know after four dates.  Maybe I am still not over the broken engagement.  It did feel like it was moving wayyy to fast with him and that was probably stemming from him coming on hot and heavy to get over his recent breakup.  
 

more time is what I need, and thats painfully obvious.  
 

thanks for the replies!!!!

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2 minutes ago, OSU0090 said:

You and Lambert are both right.  I don’t know how I could know after four dates.  Maybe I am still not over the broken engagement.  It did feel like it was moving wayyy to fast with him and that was probably stemming from him coming on hot and heavy to get over his recent breakup.  
 

more time is what I need, and thats painfully obvious.  
 

thanks for the replies!!!!

Welcome. There's no competition who gets over what ex fastest. Take your time. I am post-separation and divorce and there are days I still feel nostalgic or emotional about the past. I don't miss the other person actually. I miss the person I used to be - more innocent, willing to trust and free-spirited. And so each adventure in the aftermath brings me closer to what I've always been. I am stronger and free-r than I've ever felt and also walk with more conviction and spirit. 

You do the same. Don't let anyone dull that sparkle.

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1 hour ago, OSU0090 said:

Maybe I am still not over the broken engagement.

That's what I'm thinking. Sometimes you need more than nine months to heal after a break up. Give yourself some time.

I know that's probably easier said than done, especially when your feelings are so strong. But that very intensity is what points to the fact that you're still processing your last relationship.

Edited by Jibralta
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Nope.   Don't put your life on hold for anyone, and certainly not after 4 dates.  He is not over his ex, this is all you need to know.  This dude is unavailable.

Edited by Hollyj
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4 hours ago, OSU0090 said:

So, the other day he calls and essentially told me he needs to take some time for him because his head was all over the place and he still had feelings for his ex. I told him i completely understood as I was out of an broken engagement just 9 mos ago, so i get it.  

 

4 hours ago, OSU0090 said:

My guard immediately went up and I thought rebound, right?

- sadly, I'd say it woulda been so, for BOTH of you- right?

How about toning all down a while more so YOU can also continue on with your own healing?

This would have been such a mess on you 😞 .

Walk away, stay away, focus on yourself.  never rush into another relationship. when we get involved, our head & heart needs to be clear.

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What do you mean by wait - not date others or look to date? Why in the world would you do that after only 4 dates? It's funny -my friend married someone many years ago she met at a bar.  They danced/hung out and he called her the next day -told her - he was just out of a relationship -or just ending one - (no he did not cheat) and he would call her in x number of months -it was either 1 or 3.  Anyway -he actually did call her (no, she didn't put her life on hold) and they were happily married for several years (still married but likely separated)

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This is not to diss your feelings for the guy, but why would it take 4 dates to learn that he was fresh from a breakup?

That's the exactly kind of stuff to ask before meeting, or at very least on the first meet.

If you think of dating as screening OUT bad matches, then you won't trick yourself into falling for anyone who's on track to break your heart.

As for waiting for this guy? Naaah, I'd keep screening and dating. If you are still available down the road and this guy contacts you, then sure, meet to catch up. Otherwise, keep moving yourself forward with a good lesson learned.

Head high, and use 'resilience' as your mantra while dating.

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