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His mother didn't approve me


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I am 24 year old girl, from India. Currently in Toronto, Canada as an international student.

4 months ago when I was back home in India, in December 2021, my mother set up my profile on a matrimonial site (in my country, 90% people go for arranged marriage).  I got a proposal from a guy and my family liked him. ( we were looking for a Indian guy based in Canada because eventually once my studies are completed, I'll settle down in Canada itself). 

We exchanged pictures and my family as well as his family approved us to move forward. We decided to get to know each other before taking the decision and made sure to call each other every day. 

After one month, in January 2021, my visa arrived and I flew to Canada and met him. Within 1 week of spending time together  + the past 1 month we talked on call, we were sure about each other and informed our parents that we would like to get married. 

The only thing left was his family meeting me (his family is settled in Canada too). My parents insisted they meet me soon so that we can take things further. His mother kept postponing it for 2 months for various reasons. Meantime, we got very attached and started planning our future together.

In March 2021, after 2 months of my relationship with him and after 2 months of waiting to meet her, she decided to meet me and invited me over for dinner. It went well (according to me atleast).

The next day I got a call from my guy saying his parents didn't approve of me and asked him not to take things further with me and so he won't be able to go against their decision. We haven't talked since. Except for the anger and emotional outburst rants I typed and sent him, to which he didn't reply at all, so I blocked him. 

I really liked him and saw a future with him. He was a good guy. We made each other happy. 

Should I wait for him? Should I keep hope? 

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No, don't wait for him and don't keep hope.  I'm sorry. 

He will follow his parents and listen to his mother.  His mother and parents take priority over you.  This is your harsh reality check.  He will not go against their decision.  Their decision is his decision.  They are in unison and lockstep.  He is obeying his parents. 

Do not contact him anymore.  Leave him alone and move on. 

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2 hours ago, Maahi said:

The next day I got a call from my guy saying his parents didn't approve of me We haven't talked.Except for the anger and emotional outburst rants I typed and sent him, 

Did he say why they didn't approve the match? Do they have someone else in mind for him?

It's over. You need to get your anger and moods under control. No one is going to want you like that.

If everything doesn't line up, it's not a match. It's that simple.

Talk to your parents about your anger and rage regarding arranged marriage.

Ask them to find better matches for you.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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3 hours ago, Maahi said:

Should I wait for him? Should I keep hope? 

No and no.

Unforunately, it appears he is not willing to go against his parents' wishes and doesn't want to communicate anymore, so you have no choice but to let go. 

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I am not from a culture of arranged marriages.  I want to tell you that, because I may not fully understand your situation.  So please take my advice for face value... 

I don't think you should wait for him or any man, for that matter.  I know rejection hurts.  I am sorry.  And I imagine it can get pretty heady, thinking you found your future husband and all the dreams, that come with it. This is a huge disappointment.  

Take some time for yourself to let this go.  Remember, it was only a few months.  You can and will meet someone better.  Be glad you don't have to deal with this woman as your mother in law.  She obviously is going to be a tough one for any wife to deal with.

Look forward to a different life, with a family of in laws that will love you and embrace you from the word go because you deserve that.  

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4 hours ago, Maahi said:

Should I wait for him? Should I keep hope? 

No. It's pretty rotten for people to say they approve of you, and to subsequently remove that approval. Best not to to commit yourself and your future to people like this.

Sorry this happened.

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

No. It's pretty rotten for people to say they approve of you, and to subsequently remove that approval. Best not to to commit yourself and your future to people like this.

 

Being that you're from India, I thought of a different perspective, bouncing off of Jilbralta's comment for assistance.

Her comment is right, and I think he saved you a lot of drama in your long-term future.

In Indian cultures, wouldn't you have to see her a lot, interact with her a lot, even if you lived in Canada, she'd probably make visits and stay for a week to possibly weeks?

And isn't it kind of normal for Indian daughter in laws to defer to their MIL's?  I know some areas are more traditional in this, and then some areas are modernized.  

But think about it... if he knew your future would be having to interact with his mother, who is not going to be nice or respectful to you, I think him breaking it off was really wise.  I think most Indian men prefer a wife their MIL gets along with, because it makes his own life easier.

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9 hours ago, Maahi said:

Should I wait for him? Should I keep hope? 

I guess you're not able to do this, right?  Since he pulled away, because of his mother's reaction?

I am sorry you had to get emotionally invested in someone, when it ended up being a fail 😞 

But, maybe, if this is how it works, do not start getting involved with someone until you know all is well with the family..

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19 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

No, don't wait for him and don't keep hope.  I'm sorry. 

He will follow his parents and listen to his mother.  His mother and parents take priority over you.  This is your harsh reality check.  He will not go against their decision.  Their decision is his decision.  They are in unison and lockstep.  He is obeying his parents. 

Do not contact him anymore.  Leave him alone and move on. 

Thank you for your advice. It helps

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19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did he say why they didn't approve the match? Do they have someone else in mind for him?

It's over. You need to get your anger and moods under control. No one is going to want you like that.

If everything doesn't line up, it's not a match. It's that simple.

Talk to your parents about your anger and rage regarding arranged marriage.

Ask them to find better matches for you.

 

No, he just told me that his parents didn't find me compatible for him. When I asked him in what sense, he told me they didn't tell him either. 

And yes, it's over. Thank you for reminding me. 

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18 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No and no.

Unforunately, it appears he is not willing to go against his parents' wishes and doesn't want to communicate anymore, so you have no choice but to let go. 

Thank you, a part of me was just hoping that he would realize or regret leaving me and try to convince his mother. But yeah it's just wishful thinking. I need to accept reality.

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Exactly! Why approve of me earlier then. Why allow his son to build a account for himself on the matrimonial website,why allow him to take me out on every weekend, when the final decision was always hers to make? 

Thank you for your advice. I deserve better.

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17 hours ago, Jibralta said:

No. It's pretty rotten for people to say they approve of you, and to subsequently remove that approval. Best not to to commit yourself and your future to people like this.

Sorry this happened.

Exactly! Why approve of me earlier then. Why allow his son to build a account for himself on the matrimonial website,why allow him to take me out on every weekend, when the final decision was always hers to make? 

Thank you for your advice. I deserve better.

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15 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Being that you're from India, I thought of a different perspective, bouncing off of Jilbralta's comment for assistance.

Her comment is right, and I think he saved you a lot of drama in your long-term future.

In Indian cultures, wouldn't you have to see her a lot, interact with her a lot, even if you lived in Canada, she'd probably make visits and stay for a week to possibly weeks?

And isn't it kind of normal for Indian daughter in laws to defer to their MIL's?  I know some areas are more traditional in this, and then some areas are modernized.  

But think about it... if he knew your future would be having to interact with his mother, who is not going to be nice or respectful to you, I think him breaking it off was really wise.  I think most Indian men prefer a wife their MIL gets along with, because it makes his own life easier.

Yes, you are right. Even if he went against his parents or convinced them into allowing him to marry me, I would have to deal with her a lot. And it would drain me mentally to constantly keep being reminded that the woman who raised the man I love so eeply doesn't like me. 

 

Thank you for making me see things from this perspective. It helps. 

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12 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I guess you're not able to do this, right?  Since he pulled away, because of his mother's reaction?

I am sorry you had to get emotionally invested in someone, when it ended up being a fail 😞 

But, maybe, if this is how it works, do not start getting involved with someone until you know all is well with the family..

Yes, this is what my parents are doing from now on. They are not letting any guy (whose proposal we get) talk or meet me at all. They are making sure the parents meet me first. So that I only speak and connect with the guy after it is finalized and completely approved. 

 

Thank you for your advice. It helps. 

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17 hours ago, Lambert said:

I am not from a culture of arranged marriages.  I want to tell you that, because I may not fully understand your situation.  So please take my advice for face value... 

I don't think you should wait for him or any man, for that matter.  I know rejection hurts.  I am sorry.  And I imagine it can get pretty heady, thinking you found your future husband and all the dreams, that come with it. This is a huge disappointment.  

Take some time for yourself to let this go.  Remember, it was only a few months.  You can and will meet someone better.  Be glad you don't have to deal with this woman as your mother in law.  She obviously is going to be a tough one for any wife to deal with.

Look forward to a different life, with a family of in laws that will love you and embrace you from the word go because you deserve that.  

Yes,  the most difficult part is, this wasn't a regular dating relationship. It was 100% serious mature future oriented relationship. Each aspect of this relationship involved future and dreams and plans built together. I think I'm more hurt because of breaking of those dreams rather than loosing him. 

 

Yes, I realise his mother would have been a tough one to deal with and as you said I deserve a family who loves and embraces me from the beginning itself.

 

Thanks a lot. I feel a lot better now. 

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1 hour ago, Maahi said:

Exactly! Why approve of me earlier then. Why allow his son to build a account for himself on the matrimonial website,why allow him to take me out on every weekend, when the final decision was always hers to make? 

There's always the chance that he wasn't honest about why he was ending it, too. 

Maybe it has nothing to do with his parents, but is using that as the excuse. 

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3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

There's always the chance that he wasn't honest about why he was ending it, too. 

Maybe it has nothing to do with his parents, but is using that as the excuse. 

That's the worst part when you don't get a proper closure. You overthink amd analayse every aspect of the situation. It hurts and keeps hurting until you let go. 

I need to set myself free from this pain. I deserve peace.

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5 hours ago, Maahi said:

Yes, this is what my parents are doing from now on. They are not letting any guy (whose proposal we get) talk or meet me at all. They are making sure the parents meet me first. 

Are you the oldest or only daughter? Perhaps this is a better procedure. 

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11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you the oldest or only daughter? Perhaps this is a better procedure. 

Yes I'm the oldest daughter and the only daughter who could be married. I have 1 younger sister with physical disabilities and my parents have decided not to marry her off. 

Yes, it seems so. I hope this will protect my heart. 

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I'm sorry this happened.  Just an out of the box thought - is it possible she saw something on your social media page that she didn't like - or misinterpreted ,etc?  (If you are on social media)

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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry this happened.  Just an out of the box thought - is it possible she saw something on your social media page that she didn't like - or misinterpreted ,etc?  (If you are on social media)

My social media account is private and since I come from a Muslim family, where women are not supposed to flaunt their beauty, I don't even have my picture as my display profile pic. 

 

I was at her place hardly for 2 hours. Where she spoke with me barely for 15 mins, rest with my younger brother (I took him along too, because I was too shy and nervous) and then we had dinner. That's it. I don't understand how could someone make such a big decision and judge someone so soon. If she wasn't sure about me, she could have invited me over once again.

 

(Recently I went for an interview, they said I wasn't up to the mark and looked unprepared and wanted to hold another interview with me the next week. I went for the interview again and got the job. Giving someone second chance is better than being too quick to judge.)  

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1 hour ago, Maahi said:

That's it. I don't understand how could someone make such a big decision and judge someone so soon. If she wasn't sure about me, she could have invited me over once again.

((Hugs)) sometimes it just doesn't work out.  You'll feel better in a few weeks probably, just be good to yourself and take time away if you need (read, relax, do your own thing).  You'll be ok ❤️ 

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2 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

((Hugs)) sometimes it just doesn't work out.  You'll feel better in a few weeks probably, just be good to yourself and take time away if you need (read, relax, do your own thing).  You'll be ok ❤️ 

((Hugs back, sniff sniff)) Thank you so much. I feel cared and loved. ❤

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It sounds as though this woman will not be approving of ANYone for her son any time soon.

You dodged a bullet, she would have made your life miserable.

Head high, and screen the families of men--not just the men.

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