Not sure if the guy I'm casually dating is stringing me along, genuinely likes me or just wants female company

[sofiahannah]

Been seeing this guy I met from a dating app for about 8 weeks now (we're both in our 20s). We're still very casual but gotten to know each other on a deeper level gradually. He told me early on he is unavailable for a relationship right now and just wants to 'have fun' and 'see how things go' with me. I told him I was also just casually dating at the moment, but would want to settle if I find the right person. I also made it clear to him I will not do anything sexual with him past making out because I only get intimate with my serious/committed partners. Even though i like him a lot, I don't think i am truly ready to jump back into a commitment, or even exclusively investing in someone emotionally so soon. But he keeps sending me mixed signals and it is so confusing.

After we shared our thoughts on this 'relationship' initially, we never brought this up again. Instead last time we met, we were discussing about cultural differences in dating etiquette (we came from different cultural backgrounds and i am from a conservative and patriarchal country, where the guy does all the courting), he said that in his culture, usually it's the girl who brings up the 'what are we' question and move things forward. I just left this conversation at that tho.

Every time we meet up, he would ask if I am seeing other men. I never ask if he's seeing other women because we are just casual and it's none of my business. He would also ask me what my ideal type of guy was and wouldn't stop pestering me until I gave a straight answer (which I never did). He asked me what qualities I find attraction/hot in men. He even joked about us being a couple and getting married and having kids.

He knows I have been seeing other people (I even told him about a horrible date I went on with another guy couple of weeks ago). Yesterday he suddenly said he quit using dating apps and he's the type of man who only focuses on one girl at a time. I told him I have stopped seeing other people recently as well, mainly because I am too busy at work to date around. I'm just really confused by him because I thought we both agreed this wouldn't be an exclusive/committed relationship, and we're both free to see other people and even drop each other at any given time.

He also kept saying if he didn't like a girl and enjoyed her company, he wouldn't keep going on dates with her. He also suggested us to go to a nice hotel some day; I declined and reminded him I would not have sex with people who are not my romantic partner, and he said he wasn't persuading me to have sex but he just wanted to cuddle me close. He also joked about falling in love with me last night and I didn't really know how to reply to that so I just kind of laughed it off.

Idk if I am reading too much into this but I am confused by his inconsistency. I don't want to be led on or accidentally lead someone else on. I really don't understand what he's thinking of.

[SooSad33]

15 minutes ago, sofiahannah said:

He told me early on he is unavailable for a relationship right now and just wants to 'have fun' and 'see how things go' with me. I told him I was also just casually dating at the moment, but would want to settle if I find the right person. I also made it clear to him I will not do anything sexual with him past making out because I only get intimate with my serious/committed partners. Even though i like him a lot, I don't think i am truly ready to jump back into a commitment, or even exclusively investing in someone emotionally so soon. But he keeps sending me mixed signals and it is so confusing.

Not sure what is that confusing?  The way he talks to you about everything?

Re: something like marriage & kids some day.... that, I don't understand, you've only known the guy 8 weeks.. So ignore.

17 minutes ago, sofiahannah said:

Yesterday he suddenly said he quit using dating apps and he's the type of man who only focuses on one girl at a time

- yeah, I doubt that.. some guys never leave the sites 😕 

 

I think you are taking all of this too literally.  Guys talk... a lot is meaningless, more to try & draw a woman in and to 'make him look good'.

BUT, remember what YOU said..."Even though i like him a lot, I don't think i am truly ready to jump back into a commitment, or even exclusively investing in someone emotionally so soon."

And, what he said " He told me early on he is unavailable for a relationship right now and just wants to 'have fun'".

 

To me, this sounds like a lot of.. nothing.

Neither of you sound 'ready' to truly be involved. So, mean what you say and ignore all the stuff he babbles about.  None of it it serious.  Keep in mind what you said..

 

[Hollyj]

33 minutes ago, sofiahannah said:

Been seeing this guy I met from a dating app for about 8 weeks now (we're both in our 20s). We're still very casual but gotten to know each other on a deeper level gradually. He told me early on he is unavailable for a relationship right now and just wants to 'have fun' and 'see how things go' with me. I told him I was also just casually dating at the moment, but would want to settle if I find the right person. I also made it clear to him I will not do anything sexual with him past making out because I only get intimate with my serious/committed partners. Even though i like him a lot, I don't think i am truly ready to jump back into a commitment, or even exclusively investing in someone emotionally so soon. But he keeps sending me mixed signals and it is so confusing.

After we shared our thoughts on this 'relationship' initially, we never brought this up again. Instead last time we met, we were discussing about cultural differences in dating etiquette (we came from different cultural backgrounds and i am from a conservative and patriarchal country, where the guy does all the courting), he said that in his culture, usually it's the girl who brings up the 'what are we' question and move things forward. I just left this conversation at that tho.

Every time we meet up, he would ask if I am seeing other men. I never ask if he's seeing other women because we are just casual and it's none of my business. He would also ask me what my ideal type of guy was and wouldn't stop pestering me until I gave a straight answer (which I never did). He asked me what qualities I find attraction/hot in men. He even joked about us being a couple and getting married and having kids.

He knows I have been seeing other people (I even told him about a horrible date I went on with another guy couple of weeks ago). Yesterday he suddenly said he quit using dating apps and he's the type of man who only focuses on one girl at a time. I told him I have stopped seeing other people recently as well, mainly because I am too busy at work to date around. I'm just really confused by him because I thought we both agreed this wouldn't be an exclusive/committed relationship, and we're both free to see other people and even drop each other at any given time.

He also kept saying if he didn't like a girl and enjoyed her company, he wouldn't keep going on dates with her. He also suggested us to go to a nice hotel some day; I declined and reminded him I would not have sex with people who are not my romantic partner, and he said he wasn't persuading me to have sex but he just wanted to cuddle me close. He also joked about falling in love with me last night and I didn't really know how to reply to that so I just kind of laughed it off.

Idk if I am reading too much into this but I am confused by his inconsistency. I don't want to be led on or accidentally lead someone else on. I really don't understand what he's thinking of.

Have you considered asking him?

[sofiahannah]

10 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Not sure what is that confusing?  The way he talks to you about everything?

Re: something like marriage & kids some day.... that, I don't understand, you've only known the guy 8 weeks.. So ignore.

- yeah, I doubt that.. some guys never leave the sites 😕 

 

I think you are taking all of this too literally.  Guys talk... a lot is meaningless, more to try & draw a woman in and to 'make him look good'.

BUT, remember what YOU said..."Even though i like him a lot, I don't think i am truly ready to jump back into a commitment, or even exclusively investing in someone emotionally so soon."

And, what he said " He told me early on he is unavailable for a relationship right now and just wants to 'have fun'".

 

To me, this sounds like a lot of.. nothing.

Neither of you sound 'ready' to truly be involved. So, mean what you say and ignore all the stuff he babbles about.  None of it it serious.  Keep in mind what you said..

 

Yeah I know guys tend to chat *** a lot so I feel kind of dumb for reading too much into this. I just don't want to be led on thinking there could be more to this relationship and get my heart broken. Thanks for your take tho!

[sofiahannah]

2 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Have you considered asking him?

I want to, but I am afraid of humiliation because this could all just be me reading too much into things lol. Don't want to creep him out.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, sofiahannah said:

I want to, but I am afraid of humiliation because this could all just be me reading too much into things lol. Don't want to creep him out.

You don't want to creep him out by asking if his thoughts on dating have changed, but you're not worried about turning him off by telling him about the other dates you're going on?

That makes no sense. 

Did you tell him about your other date in hopes it would nudge him into committing to you?

[sofiahannah]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You don't want to creep him out by asking if his thoughts on dating have changed, but you're not worried about turning him off by telling him about the other dates you're going on?

That makes no sense. 

Did you tell him about your other date in hopes it would nudge him into committing to you?

I told him about my other dates because he kept asking me if I was seeing anyone else so I just told him, no ulterior intentions, just a funny bad date story as he told me a couple of his own in the past too.

[MissCanuck]

Still, you two have some odd boundaries. 

You both dance around the topic of what's developing between you, but have no problem sharing details of other dates. 

I think you're just going to need a dose of confidence and ask him if his feelings on not pursuing a relationship have changed. And if he says no? No reason to be humiliated. But every reason to stop seeing him. 

[sofiahannah]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Still, you two have some odd boundaries. 

You both dance around the topic of what's developing between you, but have no problem sharing details of other dates. 

I think you're just going to need a dose of confidence and ask him if his feelings on not pursuing a relationship have changed. And if he says no? No reason to be humiliated. But every reason to stop seeing him. 

Yup I definitely will ask him but maybe not until another 3-4 weeks later because we both have important events coming up and I don't want to mess up either of our emotions lol.

Thank you for your advice and if he still isn't interested in a relationship with me I will definitely drop him immediately. Really don't need my self-esteemed to be damaged once more!

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, sofiahannah said:

He told me early on he is unavailable for a relationship right now and just wants to 'have fun' and 'see how things go' with me. I told him I was also just casually dating at the moment, 

He was crystal clear and honest with you. You need to be honest with yourself and if  no-strings sex is not what you want, end it.

If you are looking for a relationship, and a guy tells you upfront he wants an unpaid call girl, don't expect it to develop into a relationship.

When you aren't true to yourself and put your heart in the hands of bozos, you're going to get hurt.

Trying to be the "cool girl", won't win anyone over.

[sofiahannah]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He was crystal clear and honest with you. You need to be honest with yourself and if  no-strings sex is not what you want, end it.

If you are looking for a relationship, and a guy tells you upfront he wants an unpaid call girl, don't expect it to develop into a relationship.

When you aren't true to yourself and put your heart in the hands of bozos, you're going to get hurt.

Trying to be the "cool girl", won't win anyone over.

Haha I think you didn't read my entire post. I told him I won't have sex with anyone unless I am in a committed relationship and in the 8 weeks we have dated we never did anything past kissing. Pretty sure if he really wanted to use me for sex he would've ghosted me by now because he knows I stand by my own values.

[Wiseman2]

You claimed he stated he didn't want a relationship, so what is this? A friendship?

[sofiahannah]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You claimed he stated he didn't want a relationship, so what is this? A friendship?

I actually referred to him as a friend once and he asked me, "Wait are you friendzoning me?" I guess we're in a sort of 'more than friends, less than lovers' situation.

Hence my confusion - he said he didn't want a relationship yet his actions speak otherwise. Or does he just want female company? Because honestly I am not offering any relationship benefits to him.

[Jibralta]

These aren't "relationship actions." He's just flirting with you and pushing the envelope on your agreement, trying to see how much he can get away with. Don't read more into this. You will end up unhappy.

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, sofiahannah said:

 I guess we're in a sort of 'more than friends, less than lovers' situation.

Is this what you want? You need to spend your time and energy wisely and decide what and who you want to invest in. It sounds like you're buzzing around him hoping he wants to date you.

[Lambert]

I think at some point, you have to decide, that it doesn't matter, if you creep a guy out.  Because you have to be true to yourself.  He said he is unavailable for a relationship.  I think that is what you have to go with.  But the next time he brings up who you date, what's happening etc, use that as the opening.  Ask him some questions. He brought it up.

The truth of the matter is, a person that says they are unavailable is saying that because they are an emotional mess.  I think sometimes we try to not see people for what they are.  Emotionally unavailable is not a choice.  Just like any other mental sickness.  It's not turned on and off at will.  It's a state of being.  

It usually means the person is not capable of being stable in a romance.  Due to whatever reason.  But humans do like and need others.  So instead of being alone and fully healing, they do this kind of stuff that only continues to keep them emotionally unavailable.

You said you also aren't ready for a relationship.  Were you just saying that because of what he said?

Because you're not acting like someone who isn't ready.  You are acting like someone who wants one, but is scared.  So you pick guys that won't be in a relationship with you.  So then you create all this drama to avoid what's really going on within you.

At the end of the day, it's all on you.  What you accept, tolerate or reject.  If someone is sending mix signals, it's never good.  It rather denotes that they are not 100%.  And the only real solution to that is to end it.  To tell them, I don't like being jerked around.  But if you get yourself together, give me call.  No hard feelings but I have to think of myself, first.    

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, sofiahannah said:

I told him about my other dates because he kept asking me if I was seeing anyone else so I just told him, no ulterior intentions, just a funny bad date story as he told me a couple of his own in the past too.

I'd avoid treating him like a buddy you tell your date stories to  -save that for your friends - be discreet -show him that you have appropriate boundaries.  Ask him "what are your intentions towards me and us" - if he wants to be with you or sees potential he will know exactly what you mean and he will want you to know, right then, that he sees potential -why in the world would he risk you getting snapped up by another guy?

Also watch the feet not the lips - not what he says what he does -does he make plans for these trips? What actions is he taking that are consistent with wanting to be with you.  The only words that are extremely relevant is what he told you as his first impression to you -that he wasn't looking for a relationship -and assume he meant "with you" so you don't get your heart broken. If he changed his mind he needs to say that directly and simply -and if he's not take that as he hasn't really changed at all.

When my future husband wanted to make sure I knew he was interested in getting back together after dating in the past he did two things.  One, he made plans with me two weeks in advance since he was going to be out of town -time and place -none of this vague 'someday" stuff- and two he said -one sentence "do you want to get back together" - that's all he said.  That's all he had to say. 

Your guy needs only to say directly "I want us to date only each other" or words that are direct ,simple, one sentence -because even though my husband knows how to communicate at length - he's awesome at it - he knew by instinct -as we all do -that when you want someone to know your intentions, your heart, and you want no risk of misunderstanding, you keep it simple and brief (like the "I do" in a marriage ceremony).

[boltnrun]

8 hours ago, sofiahannah said:

He also suggested us to go to a nice hotel some day; I declined and reminded him I would not have sex with people who are not my romantic partner, and he said he wasn't persuading me to have sex but he just wanted to cuddle me close.

He's trying to ease you into having sex with him.  "Cuddle you close"?  That's laughable.

Don't ever underestimate what some people will do to get sex.  I used to see a guy who would drive 4 hours round trip because I was willing to have sex with him.

Why can't you ask him if he's changed his mind about a relationship with you?  Are you afraid of "scaring him off"?  If that question scares him off he was never there to begin with.

[Jibralta]

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Don't ever underestimate what some people will do to get sex. 

Yes. Sex, money, power--these are major drivers for people. Everybody knows that.

[Hollyj]

4 hours ago, sofiahannah said:

I actually referred to him as a friend once and he asked me, "Wait are you friendzoning me?" I guess we're in a sort of 'more than friends, less than lovers' situation.

Hence my confusion - he said he didn't want a relationship yet his actions speak otherwise. Or does he just want female company? Because honestly I am not offering any relationship benefits to him.

I don't understand why you will not have a convo with him, the worst that happens is that you go your separate ways.  You're wasting time if he is not on the same page as you.  Waiting 3-4 weeks will not change the situation.

[Andrina]

6 hours ago, sofiahannah said:

Thank you for your advice and if he still isn't interested in a relationship with me I will definitely drop him immediately. Really don't need my self-esteemed to be damaged once more!

This statement makes it clear you're not into short term relationship goals. Of course all dating is casual at the beginning, because how can it be serious when the person is a stranger? It's a wait and see game, to see if the person is a match over time. However, it is important to establish after two or three dates what a person's dating goals are, and if his don't match yours, it'll never work. He clearly stated he's not available for a relationship, so that is not a long term relationship goal, which is what yours seems to be.

I mean, your way of doing things, making out only, would not have a long shelf life. Could you imagine yourself a year from now, spending time with him, making out and nothing more, yet he's not your boyfriend? The non-progression would become stale and remain shallow, I'm assuming. Stuck in limbo. While guys who would cherish you and want to build a beautiful life with you pass you by since they are not about to date a woman who is making out with someone else.

And just because someone asks you a question, doesn't mean you have to answer it. When he asked about other guys, you should've said, "We're not exclusive, so we have to assume we're both multi-dating, but I'm not going to share any details with you. I'd like to know why you're asking, though."

You're obviously wanting to be exclusive, trying to read between the lines with those mixed messages. He's not shy. If he really wanted to be exclusive with you, he'd ask. I wouldn't even bother spending one more second with him. He sounds the opposite of a prized companion to me. And why would your self esteem take a blow because of him? You need to boost your self worth or you will attract, and continue to be attracted to smarmy guys instead of decent ones. The right guy sends crystal clear messages of how special you are to him, and that he wants to build a strong foundation with you. Remember that.

[smackie9]

This guy is play games.....hell I thought he was 15. So immature. Go find yourself a real man...too much bs to even bother with.

[whiteroses3230]

I think he’s getting more into you. As we go along in things feelings change. And also, the fact that you don’t seem to give him straight answers and seem hard to pin down probably drives him crazy and makes him want to lock you down a bit more. Guys love a chase. It’s a weird unintentional reverse psychology. Men are typically used to girls getting there first, wanting to lock the guy down. Since you’re not there he’s like...why doesn’t she want me like that? He’s becoming more into you and looking for more validation and assurance. 

[Tinydance]

Serious question, does seeing this guy actually have a point? I'm not trying to be rude but what is the actual purpose of seeing him? For example for me, I want marriage and kids. I guess I don't mind some casual sex (but mainly no) just in the meantime while I'm still looking for my future serious partner. So for me seeing someone would either because they have potential to become my real partner, or for casual sex. But for casual sex very rarely if I really felt a lot of sexual attraction towards someone and also felt really comfortable and respected. 

Do you have dating goals? Or you're just happy to go with the flow? This guy said he wasn't really looking for anything, so I don't really understand why you kept seeing him. You weren't seeing him for sex so what was the reason? Just to have a friend and companionship? In that case you could just spend time with your actual friends?

I think this guy maybe was hoping that you'd change your mind about sex. I think he's asking to go to a hotel to have sex. Otherwise why would he want to stay at a hotel? He can "just cuddle" you out in public so he doesn't need a hotel for that. 

In any case, this guy sounds too wishy washy and maybe not genuine. He might be saying he stopped using dating apps and only wants to date you because he's hoping it'll make you change your mind about sex. He's saying what you want to hear. I actually think it's not that easy for men to get sex and usually they have to put effort in. They have to spend time with a woman for a while first. Unless they are willing to use prostitutes. This guy has put a lot of time and effort into you so maybe he's thinking he may as well have sex with you and not anyone else.