Is Regret Enough?

[PrettyBroken111]

I found out my husband had downloaded and paid for a month of premium for both Bumble & Tinder. When I confronted him about it he claimed it was done in a drunken moment. I am hesitant to believe that he drunkenly went into the app store, searched these apps, continued to fill out information to join the apps, then PAY for premium, and still delete the apps all in the same drunken night. He has gaslit me before about me feeling jealous and suspicious of a "friendship" he had with someone that ended up being an emotional relationship with another woman in the hopes that he could get laid while I was away at college. I forgave him then and he continued to go behind my back and message her years after claiming he just wanted to reach out. After finding out about the recent Bumble and Tinder incident I told him its something im not going to let him live down. Especially since his story is so vague. He claims he's ashamed of it but he act like he's more upset I found out about it. Today he got curt with me when I brought it up saying he would rather forget about, implying he would like me to forget about it. I dont even know how to feel about or toward him anymore and I feel like his regret is not enough for me to forgive and forget this. Drunk words are sober thoughts.... it just makes me wonder how he feels about cheating on me sober since he was so easily inclined to do it (or attempt to) drunk. 

[boltnrun]

He's already shown you TWICE he's a cheater.

Why would you want to give him a third opportunity to cheat on you?

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, PrettyBroken111 said:

After finding out about the recent Bumble and Tinder incident I told him its something im not going to let him live down. Especially since his story is so vague. He claims he's ashamed of it but he act like he's more upset I found out about it.

Yup, typical reaction. (defensive).  He's well aware of his behaviour!

You should NOT have to always wonder what he is up to.  He should be able to be trusted- but has kinda blown that now, hasn't he?

His choice... now what's yours?

[Hollyj]

How many times does he have to betray you before you leave?   He has shown you who he is, isn't it time to act!

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, PrettyBroken111 said:

I feel like his regret is not enough for me to forgive and forget this

Nor should it be. 

He is not committed to you. Forgiving and forgetting is beside the point. His heart and mind are not with you, and it apppears you've known this for quite some time. 

I would be done, personally. He is checked out. 

 

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been married? Are you financially dependent on him?

He drinks heavily and cheats. Why waste your life away on this?

Tell your trusted friends and family what's really going on.

Talk to an attorney to see what your options are in the event of a divorce.

Get to a doctor about the depression and anxiety. As well as STD testing. What you discovered is the tip of the iceberg.

Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

Do not tell your husband you are talking to an attorney. Never threaten divorce. Just get your exit plan together and have attorneys send him a subpoena.

In the meantime, ask him to stay with friends or family. He doesn't have to, but ask him to.

You need time to regroup, reflect and decide how much humiliation, headaches and heartaches you want to tolerate.

 

[Lambert]

Honestly, I think you know who this guy is.  I've kind of reached a point in my own life, where I need to be surrounded by people that I respect.  And if someone is disrespecting me, how can I respect them?  

You said he's used gaslighting in the past.  That can have long reaching impacts.  That's what makes it such a great manipulation tool.  You are doubting yourself.  But even your post here, points out some pretty harsh truths.  

- it takes a lot of effort to create and pay for, not just one, but two apps.

-his remorse was more for being caught than the actual act.

I think you are at a cross roads... you see what this guy is about.  He is about his needs and doing what is best for him.  That doesn't make a great hubs.  

I think your self esteem would do greatly by getting away from this guy.  Your gut, brain and heart are all telling you.... it's just scary to leave someone. 

Quietly talk to an attorney.  Get your ducks in a row.  Then leave his cheating butt.  

[Rose Mosse]

I don't think you will change him. 

Leaving is hard. The idea of it is always more appealing than actually doing it but you may free your mind and your life up to so much more other joy and meaning. Talk to a lawyer to get a better framework or plan to see what your options are. I don't know how enmeshed your finances or lives are so get the legal advice you need. 

Respectfully, I think this is over. It was over way back when.

[bluecastle]

Agree with all of the above. 

Whatever is motivating him, is it really something you want to work though, continue to invite into your life? Any way you cut it he has shown you that he has (a) an irrepressible desire for some kind of romantic/hot sauce connection outside of the relationship and (b) a complete inability to respect the hurt this causes you. 

This is just me, but I think of booze as a kind of truth serum. Someone who gets angry when drunk? That is someone who is carrying around a lot of anger, always. Someone who goes onto Bumble/Tinder when drunk? That is someone who is carrying around a desire to be doing exactly that, always. 

But the phrase that really stood out to me in your post was you saying you won't let him "live this down." Take a deep breath for a moment, and ask: Is that how you want to live, in your own skin, inside the one life you have? Is that good for your spirit, a path to who you want to keep becoming? Maybe reflect on it from that angle, rather than his behavior, and you'll find the next steps here become apparent to you. 

 

  

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you.

Even if I bought into the drunk thing, I'd still have trouble staying with a guy who I couldn't trust to not get drunk again...

The choice to stay with someone I can't trust doesn't make any sense to me.

It wouldn't be about HIM, it would be my own private choice about how I want to live.

Looking over my shoulder all of the time would not be that.

[Jibralta]

On 4/17/2021 at 10:51 PM, PrettyBroken111 said:

When I confronted him about it he claimed it was done in a drunken moment. I am hesitant to believe that he drunkenly went into the app store, searched these apps, continued to fill out information to join the apps, then PAY for premium, and still delete the apps all in the same drunken night.

Sounds like quite a moment.

It sounds like your relationship is plagued with trust issues. Why are you still there?

 

[abitbroken]

I am going to really hope that you don't have any children at this point.

I can totally see how you could accidentally click on a saucy ad (sometimes ads are a big "NEXT" button which you think is part of the article you are reading) and would not count that, but to give two apps your credit card number and so forth is a deliberate act.

I would regroup and get to the point you can speak about it unemotionally and lay down the law.  Would he go to a marriage counselor with you so that you can have a safe environment with a third part as witness?  I would write it down so you feel confident about what you will say (don't read it to him, just use it to organize your thoughts).

The only way this can move forward is that if he admits -- after soulsearching, not just "what you want to hear" that he now realizes when thing get tough, his eyes wander instead of dealing with the issue at hand.  in otherwords, he turns into an adult.

Honestly, though, i would not fault you for leaving. Adultery and abuse (real abuse, not "he doesn't buy me birthday cards) are the two things that i don't think the other party (you) is obligated to work out in lieu of leaving

[abitbroken]

btw, regret is enough if its regretting one's actions -- as a start...

but regretting getting caught is not