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Should I ask what my gf what she is messaging with random guys about on social media


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I see my gf has multiple chats with guys I don’t know on her social media. She doesn’t share details and is often secretive with her phone. Always on messenger and gets dings late at night. I have caught her messaging and ex before and deleting chats. She isn’t the type to cheat but can do stupid things when drunk sometimes. 
 

should asked who is texting you so late? 
or if I see she got a message from one of this guys, should I ask what she is talking to them about?! 
 

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I believe she hasn’t and will never cheat. But she feels she needs to keep contact with everyone as it’s her networks for penitential work leads. She is addicted to social media and the relationship with these guys ends there. She doesn’t feel there is any issue with it and would be okay with me doing it. But I feel there is a deeper level of respect and boundaries that are more important. Can I compromise my stance on the issue if I do trust her not to cheat?

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26 minutes ago, tommyd said:

I have caught her messaging and ex before and deleting chats

This is a problem, no?

 

 - doesn't think guys being flirtatious and hitting on her on messenger is a big deal. 

she is used to making herself seem available .

- she said she would stop talk to them but continued as she didnt want to hurt their feelings.

- its more about respect than jealously at his point.

.........

SHE has issue's... she  has trouble being confident & respectful in your relationship...

How do YOU feel?  Obviously uncomfortable & not pleased.

What are you waiting for?  Why are you accepting this?

IMO, IF someone is 'happy & stable', they do not act this way...

 

 

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When deciding to become exclusive with someone, it's important to discuss relationship boundaries, and if you're not compatible in that area, you break up and find someone who is.

Because obviously you've expressed concerns after the fact, but she'd prefer to continue her behavior even if it risks losing you.

Even if these messages didn't cross boundaries, if my partner was addicted to messaging and receiving messages all day and during sleep hours, they'd no longer be my partner. Plain annoying. I prefer a partner who has a normal hobby, and when I'm with him, he's WITH me. As in not with eyes glued to the phone the majority of the time, with text interruptions and pouring time and energy into everyone else except me. There are other single, attractive people out there who aren't addicted to social media. She's not the last pretty woman on the planet, so if you let her attractiveness override the bad, your self-worth is totally lacking.

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41 minutes ago, tommyd said:

But I feel there is a deeper level of respect and boundaries that are more important.

YOU feel this way.  She disagrees.

She likes the attention so she has no reason to give it up.  

You can either stay with her and stew and stress about all of this attention seeking behavior and waste your time trying to get her to "change"...or you can realize you two are incompatible and choose to end the relationship.

 

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3 hours ago, tommyd said:

I believe she hasn’t and will never cheat. But she feels she needs to keep contact with everyone as it’s her networks for penitential work leads. She is addicted to social media and the relationship with these guys ends there. She doesn’t feel there is any issue with it and would be okay with me doing it. But I feel there is a deeper level of respect and boundaries that are more important. Can I compromise my stance on the issue if I do trust her not to cheat?

I went through your other thread too. Didn't see it the first time around. I think both of you are incompatible and have different viewpoints and values with regards to how you treat each other and also how you treat others (particularly of the opposite sex). 

Don't be afraid to cut this one loose. It's not working out. She is fully entitled to do as she pleases - just not with you. 

You've made it clear that you're not comfortable with it. Arguments on this just look bad on you: controlling, pushy, jealous, aggressive. Take the high road, man. Move on. 

And also, you may be a rebound. In the other thread you mentioned she was "recently single".

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You should be done with her.

Why wasn't her telling her ex that she missed him enough for you?  Messaging guys who ask for nudes wasn't enough either.  At the very least she is emotionally cheating.  

Dude, where is your self respect?!

Edited by Hollyj
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8 hours ago, tommyd said:

I believe she hasn’t and will never cheat. But she feels she needs to keep contact with everyone as it’s her networks for penitential work leads. She is addicted to social media and the relationship with these guys ends there. She doesn’t feel there is any issue with it and would be okay with me doing it. But I feel there is a deeper level of respect and boundaries that are more important. Can I compromise my stance on the issue if I do trust her not to cheat?

Excuses and denial.

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9 hours ago, tommyd said:

should asked who is texting you so late? 

You should ask yourself why you allow yourself to be disrespected and humiliated.

She’s giving inappropriate attention to other men and hiding it from you. That’s cheating.  Doesn’t have to be intercourse to qualify. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

I agree with everyone else here, that is not cool.

Normally, I would say to tell her your boundaries and ask her how she would feel if you were texting a bunch of girls in front of her, but after seeing the previous posts...you gotta run!

I also realized I was dating a very dishonest person and the amount of excuses and justifications were insane to the point I even started questioning my own judgement, just because you REALLY want to believe the person is all the good things you hoped for...

 

 

Edited by mical
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It's not about networking.  At all. People who stay in contact for networking are even more scrupulous about doing so appropriately - because they want to give a professional, reliable, accountable impression. 

One of my colleagues retired this week.  We worked together a lot and I have great respect for him.  He's not much older than me.  He sent me his personal phone number and personal email as he is not on Linkedin.  I plan to contact him  - for example if I'm ever having to look for another job, if I need a professional referral, if I need some work-related advice, to let him know about a professional event he might be interested in.  I'd never ever cross any boundaries and never have in our years working together.  (and yes also because I am married). 

And if he crossed boundaries with me I wouldn't network anymore -who needs a work lead from someone who obviously lacks good judgment? He's only been appropriate and professional in the years we worked together.

 I've been in close touch with a close male friend in the last week.  We chat by phone and on email every so often, been friends for over 25 years, and now he's looking for a job.  So we've had long conversations about his resume, networking, interviews he's had and might have.  Do we also speak personally?  Of course! We are friends! But again within appropriate boundaries.  We'd never dream of calling each other at odd hours either. 

There are many ways couples can have platonic friends and it makes the relationship better not worse, it enhances your bond, it lets your partner have close relationships with others so he/she is not as dependent on you and yes it can help a lot with professional networking too.  She's not doing anything of the sort -she's behaving inappropriately and also choosing to get drunk and choosing the consequences.  Please do not be a doormat.

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You should ask her if she serious with you, and dude dont go for a younger girl they are crazy, they play too much you can't make love you, all you can do is just look woman who is same your age, and she should be mature enough to handle relationship don't love her too hard 

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