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Serious girlfriend wants to see other men 'for fun'


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I'm in a serious relationship with this girl and it's been almost 3 years since we moved in together. We cannot get engaged or married at the moment so we've both agreed to delay it. But she's been saying that she will see other men 'casually' to 'experience others'. I'm not sure how I should feel about this. Thoughts?

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Serious girlfriend wants to see other men 'for fun'

- Ahh, No.

If she wants this, then you two are done.

Sounds like she wants to see what else is out there- so she is not so committed to YOU.

Is this how you want it? 

If she is wanting this, then let her go.

She cannot expect you to stick around and accept this.

 

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It doesn't seem like your girlfriend is very "serious" about your relationship after all.

I'd tell her she can have all the fun she wants with other men after you two break up and she moves out.

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Well, Kumar, this not good.  And you need to see the writing on the wall.  The only reason a person wants to continue to see other people, is to see if they can find better; while having someone "just in case" they don't.  

It's a pretty selfish thing when you think about it.  And you deserve better.  You live together but have an open relationship.  That's what's called having your cake and eating it, too.  

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If this is fun to her to the extent of actually asking your permission to hook up with other guys then she is not sufficiently committed. Agree with all the others.

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1 hour ago, Kumar said:

it's been almost 3 years since we moved in together. We cannot get engaged or married at the moment so we've both agreed to delay it. But she's been saying that she will see other men 'casually' to 'experience others'. 

She wants an open relationship? Move out.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She wants an open relationship? Move out.

I wouldn't even deign to label it in any trendy way.  She wants to hook up/sleep with other guys and she's telling herself it's not cheating if she tells you in advance.  She's also not saying you should do the same so it has nothing to do with "open relationship"/

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1 hour ago, Lambert said:

Well, Kumar, this not good.  And you need to see the writing on the wall.  The only reason a person wants to continue to see other people, is to see if they can find better; while having someone "just in case" they don't.   

This right here.  ^^^

She's got one foot out the door.  I'm only surprised that she told you first.  Many don't.

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OP - this is a red flag. 

Perhaps there is something she is seeking romantically or sexually that you are not providing her. Given that you are moved in, I can tell the relationship is more than just a casual romance for you. In the interest of preserving the relationship, I suggest you open a line of communication with her to 1) lay down that you are not comfortable with her seeing others romantically or sexually (if true), and 2) what, if anything, you can do to ensure that you both are satisfied with the romantic and sexual parts of your exclusive relationship.

If you are not comfortable with an open relationship, and you both cannot make substantial progress on those points, then I agree with the others that you should break up with her. 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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3 hours ago, Kumar said:

I'm in a serious relationship with this girl and it's been almost 3 years since we moved in together. We cannot get engaged or married at the moment so we've both agreed to delay it. But she's been saying that she will see other men 'casually' to 'experience others'. I'm not sure how I should feel about this. Thoughts?

If she is suggesting this, then she is not satisfied with you, and she is also not ready for any kind of serious relationship.

You need to tell her that you and she are over.

Her curiosity will never leave and if you remain with her and tell her 'no' and expect her to stay loyal, you really would be fooling yourself. She will eventually cheat.

Let her go, so she can go find out what she thinks she's missing out on. But don't take her back.

 

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5 hours ago, Kumar said:

I'm in a serious relationship with this girl and it's been almost 3 years since we moved in together. We cannot get engaged or married at the moment so we've both agreed to delay it. But she's been saying that she will see other men 'casually' to 'experience others'. I'm not sure how I should feel about this. Thoughts?

Then take a time out and think about it carefully. If you're not comfortable, then communicate that to her. You have been living together for three years.

Do you feel like you know her at all or have both of you been drifting apart for awhile? Are you on the fence about it and if so, why? 

What others think shouldn't matter. That's your life you're living and you've chosen that with her when you both started living together. 

Do you have any other thoughts on seeing other people yourself?

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Dissolve and exit the relationship.  She is not serious about you or the relationship with you.  There is no commitment for the future because her mind keeps wandering away.  You need to be with someone who knows how to treat you with sincere respect.

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3 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

OP - this is a red flag. 

Perhaps there is something she is seeking romantically or sexually that you are not providing her. Given that you are moved in, I can tell the relationship is more than just a casual romance for you. In the interest of preserving the relationship, I suggest you open a line of communication with her to 1) lay down that you are not comfortable with her seeing others romantically or sexually (if true), and 2) what, if anything, you can do to ensure that you both are satisfied with the romantic and sexual parts of your exclusive relationship.

If you are not comfortable with an open relationship, and you both cannot make substantial progress on those points, then I agree with the others that you should break up with her. 

I strongly disagree that he should even imply that it’s his fault she wants to comparison shop.  If she wanted to be with him and was unhappy she would have approached him about how to make things better with him. Not how to make things more fun for herself. 

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3 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

OP - this is a red flag. 

Perhaps there is something she is seeking romantically or sexually that you are not providing her. Given that you are moved in, I can tell the relationship is more than just a casual romance for you. In the interest of preserving the relationship, I suggest you open a line of communication with her to 1) lay down that you are not comfortable with her seeing others romantically or sexually (if true), and 2) what, if anything, you can do to ensure that you both are satisfied with the romantic and sexual parts of your exclusive relationship.

If you are not comfortable with an open relationship, and you both cannot make substantial progress on those points, then I agree with the others that you should break up with her. 

Huh!   None of this should be thrown on him, she simply wants to be with others.   Sleeping with others is no benefit to a relationship. 

Kumar, preserve your self worth and lose this woman.

Edited by Hollyj
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I respectfully disagree. 

'The above posters think that I implied that this is your fault, OP. I intended no such implication. If you would like to preserve the relationship -- I assume you could not easily just cast your cohabitation partner aside -- I suggest direct communication that 1) you are not willing to be in an open relationship, and 2) what, if anything, you both can do to ensure that romantically and sexually, each partner is satisfied. These sorts of "wanting casual fun" phases do not come out of nowhere. She is not focused entirely on you, likely, because something she wants or needs is missing. These types of situations are not always dealbreakers, but they are red flags which often turn into dealbreakers.

Of course, I agree with Holly and Batya in that it is entirely in your purview to walk away. Any reasonable person might do that at this point for reasons of self-respect.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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41 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

I respectfully disagree. 

'The above posters think that I implied that this is your fault, OP. I intended no such implication. If you would like to preserve the relationship -- I assume you could not easily just cast your cohabitation partner aside -- I suggest direct communication that 1) you are not willing to be in an open relationship, and 2) what, if anything, you both can do to ensure that romantically and sexually, each partner is satisfied. These sorts of "wanting casual fun" phases do not come out of nowhere. She is not focused entirely on you, likely, because something she wants or needs is missing. These types of situations are not always dealbreakers, but they are red flags which often turn into dealbreakers.

Of course, I agree with Holly and Batya in that it is entirely in your purview to walk away. Any reasonable person might do that at this point for reasons of self-respect.

Once she said that this is how I would preserve (if I were that desperate).  I would never ever imply that she said that because I wasn't satisfying my partner.  Nothing could be further from the truth and the last thing he needs to do is feel like he's auditioning to be a better lover.  If she was rude/thoughtless enough to present it in that way I would say: No I am not going to be with you if you want to seek to be with others (this again is not her asking for an open relationship -it's a one sided announcement that she wants to have her cake and eat it too).  I would say "I would like to be with you if you change your mind, decide what you said was the wrong way to go about things and that instead you want to recommit to us as a couple.  If you choose to recommit and you realize that you were mistaken in going about it in the way you did I'm willing to give things a second chance.  If you recommit we can then talk about what if anything you wish was different between us.  And I will listen.

I would make no assumptions about why she wants to look elsewhere -maybe she met someone, maybe her friend met someone and wants to set her up, maybe she's bored- we can assume that she's incredibly self-absorbed for treating him in this way.

Edited by Batya33
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I would feel a little taken aback myself, but instead of taking the degree of offense I think others might, I would revert to wondering why all of the sudden my partner is communicating to me that the relationship terms should change (i.e., from exclusive to open). And the natural inference is that my partner is not fully satisfied -- that is why she is looking elsewhere (rarely, perhaps the person is just polyamorous, but I think that is the exception, not the rule). And, if I loved my partner, I would be interested in first finding if there is a way to preserve the relationship while reaffirming my boundaries and expectations, and while preserving my self-respect. Probably, the best way to do that is to plainly state that an open relationship is not acceptable; but what, if anything, can we do to make our relationship better?

There are many ways the resulting communication could go, but not all of the paths lead to a break-up. 

An additional note: I do not agree that the natural assumption is that she is self-absorbed or selfish - but rather that she chose to communicate (probably the wrong thingchanging relationship terms) to her partner. That may suggest immaturity, a lack of wisdom, or other human fault, but not necessarily self-absorption or lack of respect for her partner.

---

AFTER I wrote this nice post detailing my thoughts, I went back to reread the OP; perhaps I missed something (you said it was a one-sided announcement). I now see that OP said that she said she "will" see others to him. Not merely that she said that wants to see others casually, as the title implies, which is how I read it. If she said she's going to see other guys on the side, I think that is worse than the way I read it. It is bull-headed and shows a lack of regard for the other partner. I can very much see myself saying goodbye at that point, too.

I still believe the rest of my post applies if OP's partner approached OP and instead asked for an open relationship - i.e., to change the relationship terms.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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If one partner asks another if he or she’d be open to seeing other people and still dating each other that would be different. That’s accepting that both people can date others.  Typically unless it so happens that both people want that that conversation leads to a breakup. But it’s not thoughtless because there’s a chance the other person will want it too. 
I think it’s highly unlikely that a person who asks this is “polyamorous” all of a sudden. Much more likely is the basic reason that one person is no longer as into the other person as he or she once was. 

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