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My crush (25F) suddenly went cold


Pikachu
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Update: i hadn’t heard from her for 2 months since yesterday. She messaged me how I was doing and she came over at my place for drinks. One thing let to another and we kissed and hooked up. She stayed the night and went to her work this morning. She said that she missed me but she is still uncertain that she’s looking for a relationship. Bit mixed feelings right now, I can feel that she has some sort of fear to commit her, but she does like me. Don’t know what to do now, I guess my best option is to leave the ball in her court and to let her initiate contact? (She wasn’t drunk last night to be clear)

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25 minutes ago, Pikachu said:

 she came over at my place for drinks. She stayed the night and went to her work this morning. She said that she missed me but she is still uncertain that she’s looking for a relationship. 

Good news. Yes, leave the ball in her court but stay on the radar for FWB.

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32 minutes ago, Pikachu said:

Update: i hadn’t heard from her for 2 months since yesterday. She messaged me how I was doing and she came over at my place for drinks. One thing let to another and we kissed and hooked up. She stayed the night and went to her work this morning. She said that she missed me but she is still uncertain that she’s looking for a relationship. Bit mixed feelings right now, I can feel that she has some sort of fear to commit her, but she does like me. Don’t know what to do now, I guess my best option is to leave the ball in her court and to let her initiate contact? (She wasn’t drunk last night to be clear)

Thanks for the update, OP. Sounds like a fun night. Perhaps you are still puzzled, though. Are you looking for a relationship with her?

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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30 minutes ago, Pikachu said:

Don’t know what to do now, I guess my best option is to leave the ball in her court and to let her initiate contact?

Yes, but don't hold your breath, either. 

She sounds like she could be the type to keep a guy in her orbit for when she's lonely or bored. You don't want to go down that rabbit hole with her. 

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I used to hit up my ex every few months when I was visiting his area and wanted some booty. When I wasn't nearby or "frisky" I didn't communicate with him at all. The big difference is, neither one of us wanted to reconcile. So it worked out.

Can you do a casual thing where you have casual sex with her every couple of months? Or do you want a relationship?

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Difficult to say, I do have a bit of feelings for her. Not going to lie about that. I could see myself together with her, so I’ve got some mixed feelings right now. Guess there is only 1 option and that’s to let her take initiative. Asking for clarity will only drive her more away I guess

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33 minutes ago, Pikachu said:

Asking for clarity

I would avoid this, yes. Because she already supplied this non-answer:

11 hours ago, Pikachu said:

she is still uncertain that she’s looking for a relationship

Honestly, Pikachu, this is probably just her looking for some fun during a dry spell and going back through her contacts to see who might respond. 

That isn't a dig at you, to be very clear. You can't take people like this very seriously or get invested in them, because the mutual interest just isn't there. 

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48 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would avoid this, yes. Because she already supplied this non-answer:

Honestly, Pikachu, this is probably just her looking for some fun during a dry spell and going back through her contacts to see who might respond. 

That isn't a dig at you, to be very clear. You can't take people like this very seriously or get invested in them, because the mutual interest just isn't there. 

Probably, that’s what my gut feeling is telling me too. I’ll see how it goes, I have a bit of experience with this kind of situations. I’ll just move on and keep dating 🙂

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That's why I stopped using online dating. This is fairly common after few dates. If it's right after the first one though, would consider it dead loss. But hey, you haven't invested anything. I suggest you reduce texting and only reach out to arrange meetings in between, from day to night it gives you false sense of intimacy. I'm personally a girl and I find daily texting annoying. I prefer to get to know you in person and keep getting to know you through face to face interaction. Snapchat and etc can be good in keeping a momentum but it rarely works. When she first declined your date and didn't step up to offer another day that's when you cut your bridges. Unless you're looking for casual. Something similar happened to me with a guy I met online. We went on few dates and when I  asked him out he didn't even reply but I didn't care much as am casually dating. One week later he reached out with some lame excuses but it turns out he was seeing another girl with whom it didn't work out. So apparently the girl in your thread must be dating other guys. Guess what, when I let it be and stopped chasing him, he texted me random day from 7am in the morning to ask me out and in the meantime I had a fling with another guy with whom it was a better match. Wouldn't have happened if I kept caring about this one person that doesn't want me. These things are like this in dating, speed and instant gratification. Don't get desperate or lose confidence. Just keep being you, the right person won't let you wondering if they like you or not. She likes you but not enough and frankly no reason to hang up on her. Go outside and start talking to girls in person, it works 😉

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Hey, sorry, Pikachu. It never feels great to have your hopes built up and then dashed like that. 

Some time off might be beneficial. Maybe instead of the type of dating you are currently pursuing, take some time off to focus on your own activities, hobbies, and friends. My (26 M) best relationships thus far started naturally either through introduction by a mutual friend or because we were doing the same hobby or activity in a social setting. 

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It’s not about a gut feeling.  It’s right in front of you.  A person who wants to be with you wouldn’t risk going MIA for two months then show up, hook up and say “but I don’t know “.  In that situation I don’t know is No.  She’s not scared.  You agreed to see her then agreed to hook up casually which is fine.  So she knows by your actions you’re fine with  keeping this a casual arrangement.

She’s not committing to a potential relationship with you or an actual relationship for the simple reason that she doesn’t want to.  Who cares why?  Take it at face value.  I’m sorry you’re disappointed and it only takes one for a good match!!  I have several friends who met their person through online dating sites.  I met many good people that way.  One of them has a son starting college soon!

Edited by Batya33
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7 hours ago, Pikachu said:

This actually hurts. Going to stay away from the whole dating scene for a while. I just hate these moments. I’m sick of it

You have more control than you think.

You just need better boundaries - don't instantly respond to a woman after she disappeared for 2 months, for example. Especially not after she suddenly went cold previously. I understand why you're disappointed, and sorry you're hurting. However, you can take this as an opportunity to learn to look out for yourself more and not waste time on women who treat you like an option rather than a priority, 

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I used to do that few years ago, only communicate for a hook up. Doesn't make her bad person just not invested. Her investment I mean is low from non existent and you're already sweating. If you keep going, it's going to be the same thing repeated. Text, hook up, disappear, text hook up, disappear until someone really moves on and stops initiating or texting completely. At this point, you are already invested. This isn't gonna work, you are staying in this arrangement because you like her and you want more but she doesn't. Your only solution now is to tell her openly how it is if it happens again or stop responding to her and she'll get the hint don't think she'll even bother so make this about yourself and what you want not settle just because it's her. It bugs me why you don't end this since it's clearly hurting you. To her defence, she isn't aware if you like her for more (not an encouragement to open your feelings to her or pursue her) since all you got is a hook up here and there.

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50 minutes ago, Popi33 said:

To her defence, she isn't aware if you like her for more (not an encouragement to open your feelings to her or pursue her) since all you got is a hook up here and there.

Yes. You have to put this in perspective, Pikachu. She is an attractive girl that you like. Period. That means absolutely nothing, in and of itself.

There are so many other markers that she should be hitting before you even consider getting in a relationship with her. A major one is, Does she want a relationship? She's clearly told you "No," twice.

So:

Why are you getting upset by this?

Serious question.

I think if you try answering this question, you'll see that you are kind of bringing this pain onto yourself by fixating on someone who is only compatible with you on a very superficial level.

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:A major one is, Does she want a relationship? She's clearly told you "No," twice.

So:

Why are you getting upset by this?

Serious question.

I think if you try answering this question, you'll see that you are kind of bringing this pain onto yourself by fixating on someone who is only compatible with you on a very superficial level.

True. Maybe it’s because I focus on the potential of what could be. Anyways, need to move on. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 6/30/2021 at 12:26 PM, Popi33 said:

I used to do that few years ago, only communicate for a hook up. Doesn't make her bad person just not invested. Her investment I mean is low from non existent and you're already sweating. If you keep going, it's going to be the same thing repeated. Text, hook up, disappear, text hook up, disappear until someone really moves on and stops initiating or texting completely. At this point, you are already invested. This isn't gonna work, you are staying in this arrangement because you like her and you want more but she doesn't. Your only solution now is to tell her openly how it is if it happens again or stop responding to her and she'll get the hint don't think she'll even bother so make this about yourself and what you want not settle just because it's her. It bugs me why you don't end this since it's clearly hurting you. To her defence, she isn't aware if you like her for more (not an encouragement to open your feelings to her or pursue her) since all you got is a hook up here and there.

She did know I wanted more, it’s the reason we stopped texting/dating 3 months ago. So when she suddenly came back last week, I assumed she had changed her mind. 
 

Anyways, haven’t heard from her since the night she spent over. Sucks, but I won’t initiate contact. She probably won’t either. Still hoping that she does.  

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1 hour ago, Pikachu said:

She did know I wanted more, it’s the reason we stopped texting/dating 3 months ago. So when she suddenly came back last week, I assumed she had changed her mind. 
 

Anyways, haven’t heard from her since the night she spent over. Sucks, but I won’t initiate contact. She probably won’t either. Still hoping that she does.  

Why?

You also want to have casual sex with her every few weeks with no communication in between?

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10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why?

You also want to have casual sex with her every few weeks with no communication in between?

No, maybe she’ll come back for something serious. 

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34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She's already said no to a relationship several times. Why don't you believe what she's telling you?

 

31 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

If she said yes, would you believe it? 

I don’t know. The thruth is that this is the first time in 2 years that I actually liked someone after my ex and would consider to date. It sucks that the same feeling is back where you realize she doesn’t want the same thing. I actually hate this feeling.

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14 minutes ago, Pikachu said:

 

I don’t know. The thruth is that this is the first time in 2 years that I actually liked someone after my ex and would consider to date. It sucks that the same feeling is back where you realize she doesn’t want the same thing. I actually hate this feeling.

Yes, it's no fun. But sitting around waiting for her to message you for sex and "hoping" she decides to date you is not fun either.

I would not continue to pursue this dead end situation. There are so many lovely young ladies out there who would love to date a guy like you. But you'll never find them if you keep pursuing someone who you know doesn't want what you want.

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2 hours ago, Pikachu said:

She did know I wanted more, it’s the reason we stopped texting/dating 3 months ago. So when she suddenly came back last week, I assumed she had changed her mind. 

1 hour ago, Pikachu said:

No, maybe she’ll come back for something serious. 

The ironic thing is, she may be checking in to see if you changed your mind and if you are now down for something that's not serious!!

 

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