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My crush (25F) suddenly went cold


Pikachu
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Hi everyone,

after taking some time to heal from my previous relationship I feel like I’m finally ready to date again. A month ago I met someone on Tinder and we started messaging all day and night untill now. Last thursday we “went” on a date. Had some drinks and eat something and talked the whole evening. She messaged me she liked it and we went on with the messaging the following days. So far so good :). Untill suddenly this week I noticed her replies where less enthousiastic and kinda short. She didn’t do much effort to keep the conversation alive. I asked her again on a date and she said “Yes, but not this week. We will look for a date next week”. She was less enthousiastic then before. Yesterday she didn’t sent a text at all. I know she can be busy, but the contrast from texting all day to nothing is big. This “behaviour” didn’t start directly after the date so I suppose she actually had a good time. 
 

So right now I’m wondering what I did wrong.. I could message her, but I guess it won’t have much effect. A friend told me it’s better to lay low right now and wait and see if she initiates contact again. If she won’t, it’s clear she isn’t into me.

What do you guys think?

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That is ok. Let her be this week and sometime next week check in with her and ask her if she'd like to go out with you.

Don't overthink the text messages. Listen to what she's saying and oblige if you wish. Go about other things this week.

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She is dating. She had another option to see what happens with him. Never assume you are the only one.

Messaging someone should never be counted as time spend dating. You base it on having the one date. Her interest is wavering if not gone, back off and look for other options.

Edited by smackie9
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It's always great in the beginning.. all new & exciting!

Sounds like things may be settling down some now.. so, just let it be. See if she reaches out again, soon.

You say she didn't send a text yesterday... How about you? Do you start any conversations?

Yes, she may bs busy and she may also be thinking all of this over at this time. You two have been talking and you two have met up. Now, you see if she is truly into you enough to want to keep meeting & continue this.

Don't show yourself as 'needy', but you can also reach out now & then, see how she responds...

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3 hours ago, Pikachu said:

A month ago I met someone on Tinder and we started messaging all day and night untill now. Last thursday we “went” on a date.

Ok, could be nothing wrong. Remember, you both are on Tinder so both of you are still swiping, talking to and meeting others.

Just keep talking to and meeting women. If this one agrees to another date, great. If she's perpetually "busy", delete and block.

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You stuck your neck out and asked for another date. She put a delay on it, and now the ball is in her court now. I would let her be the first now to initiate contact. That's the only way to gauge a person's interest. Because if you texted her after she turned down this week's invite, she might respond to be kind or because she's too cowardly to outright let you know another date won't be happening. If you leave her alone and she's not interested, she will probably let ghosting speak for itself. If she's truly interested but had other plans, she will definitely get back to you, not wanting an opportunity to know you better slip through her hands.

Never wonder if you did anything wrong unless you said inappropriate things, or were smothering her in obsessive, numerous texts.

I had a lot of similar instances when doing OLD. It all worked out in the end when I met my future husband, and then was glad the others hadn't worked out. You might never know the reason a person didn't work out for you. Just trust that it was best for you if it didn't. That's why the saying exists: When one door closes, another opens.

 

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Hi Pikachu,

Take what your gut interprets as less enthusiastic responses at face value. All we know from that information is that she is not responding as aptly, constantly, or eagerly as she was before. These things happen. We can infer from the less enthusiastic responses:

  • That she is losing interest in you for one reason or another; perhaps she did not feel a spark. 
  • She has been very busy or stressed over the last several days, so she has not texted you as often. 
  • She has found another love interest or fling to whom she is dedicating more of her mental energy and time. (I found this happened to me recently - a woman and I who have had obvious mutual interest over the years but are never single at the same time was acting cold after I had become single. I wondered why. Eventually, she told me she had a boyfriend a little while after I asked her out for social dancing (we were ballroom dance partners). So, there was my answer! The never single at the same time saga continues xD). 
  • Etc.

Typically, when the other person declines a date, the rule is if the other person is still interested, he or she will offer up another day when something works better. In your case, there is more of a vague suggestion, but she did not just decline without an offer to reschedule, so it is ambiguous. I would suggest following up to nail down a day for next week (then giving a little space if she agrees); if she declines again, then you can ask her to let you know when she becomes freer if she is still interested. At that point, I'd suggest to lay low and then move on.

Best of luck, and I hope this helps.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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So, I sent a random snapchat tonight and she responded right away with a snapchat and a textmessage “have fun!”.  Not bad, but I still have an urge to ask her why she is/was so short in her texting the last few days. Should I confront her? Or should I ask when she has time for the date next week?

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Honestly, I wouldn't at this point. "Thank you!" is an appropriate response to the text she sent.

I suggest waiting a reasonable amount of time, like a day or two, then asking if you can nail down a date for the week she said she is available (if you are still interested in that). Your best bet is not to appear clingy or insecure.

(And no, no, no to the confrontation: she is a tinder date, not a long-term girlfriend).

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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9 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Honestly, I wouldn't at this point. "Thank you!" is an appropriate response to the text she sent.

I suggest waiting a reasonable amount of time, like a day or two, then asking if you can nail down a date for the week she said she is available (if you are still interested in that). Your best bet is not to appear clingy or insecure.

(And no, no, no to the confrontation: she is a tinder date, not a long-term girlfriend).

You’re right. Clingy and insecure man drive woman away. Just some clarity would be nice. 

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9 hours ago, Pikachu said:

Should I confront her?

No, don't do this. It was one date. There is no confrontation necessary. 

I think she is prioritizing someone else right now. It sucks, but sometimes it just goes that way. I would sit back and see if she takes the initiative to get in touch. If not, then you have your answer. 

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As expected no message. My feeling was right when she suddenly reduced the messaging. A bit stupid that she wasn’t honest when I asked for a second date. I don’t know if I should ask her in a few days why she suddenly “ghosted” me. 

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Okay, will do. It’s just the timing that annoys me. She clearly had a good time on our date. And the amount of texts increased after. So it just sucks not knowing why it suddenly stopped. Anyways, the eventual outcome won’t change.

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She reached out, but again quite cold. I asked her if anything was wrong and she gave me the whole “I’m not completely ready for something new (she’s 1 year single) and it would be unfair to you to keep dating”. Bummer, really thought we were going somewhere.

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9 hours ago, Pikachu said:

She reached out, but again quite cold. I asked her if anything was wrong and she gave me the whole “I’m not completely ready for something new (she’s 1 year single) and it would be unfair to you to keep dating”. Bummer, really thought we were going somewhere.

It's disappointing, but at least now you know. 

Onward and upward. 

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Actually I think some people don't actually say that they're not interested and don't exactly ghost, but they do a "slow fade". I think some people actually think it's more polite to do this. After the date they don't want the person to feel bad by saying they weren't interested. So they still reply, but not often and  OT enthusiastically and say they're busy. It's common though to get rejected in dating, it happens to everyone. It's happened to me and all my friends a lot. I would recommend not getting too invested in anyone straight away. If a girl isn't replying then just don't worry about it and just leave it. I mean, if they're not replying that is actually an answer, that they're not interested. So you don't need to confront them because basically you already know.

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Yeah, I know. I’ve been at the other side of this story too. Positive thing is that I’m finally over my ex. Didn’t thought this was possible 1,5 year ago. 
 

Did had a little breakdown last night, struggle sometimes to see the silver lining in all of this. But I guess in the end it will all work out ✌🏻

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9 minutes ago, Pikachu said:

Yeah, I know. I’ve been at the other side of this story too. Positive thing is that I’m finally over my ex. Didn’t thought this was possible 1,5 year ago. 
 

Did had a little breakdown last night, struggle sometimes to see the silver lining in all of this. But I guess in the end it will all work out ✌🏻

Dating is really hard, especially online dating. There is a lot of rejection on online dating because you're basically meeting a stranger. So there is a high chance it won't work out because you don't actually know them.

That's really good you're over your ex! But don't put too much pressure on yourself to find a girlfriend really fast. It can take a long time to meet the right girl. You are trying and putting yourself out there. You're doing your best.

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6 hours ago, Pikachu said:

Yeah, I know. I’ve been at the other side of this story too. Positive thing is that I’m finally over my ex. Didn’t thought this was possible 1,5 year ago. 
 

Did had a little breakdown last night, struggle sometimes to see the silver lining in all of this. But I guess in the end it will all work out ✌🏻

Hey, sorry, rejection is really tough. We've all been there. Look at it this way, though. The odds are REALLY stacked against you on dating apps like Tinder, but you earned a date from it. (I wish I had the same luck / skill - let me know your secrets :D).

As MissCanuck said, onward and upward. Plenty of fish in the sea. You'll find yours. 🙂   

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