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Will I be betraying her?


Tshepo
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My girlfriend  asked me  if she could come stay with me because of the bad treatment she had at her home. She has no parents, her two older sisters are the ones looking after her. Things were so bad at her home that I felt she could come stay with just 2 months in the relationship. The problem is I have just gotten a job and I have noticed that ever since she started staying me I struggle to pay off my debts and I can't save any money. This hurts me because I don't see progress in my own life, she is relying on me so heavily on everything, don't get me wrong she is a good lady helps around the house and all but I don't know if I can do this any longer, when she moved in with me I thought she just needed time away from the sisters things will get better maybe they might talk things through, it's been 5months now and it doesn't look like they will resolve anything. Iam not ready to move in with anybody, like I said before I only agreed as I thought it was a temporary thing, these are not the conditions that I wanna live with, iam doing so little in my own life because of this.... Will I be betraying her if I asked her to try resolve things with her sisters and move back home? What is the right thing to do please help

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How old is she?   Does she have a job?  How long have you been dating and how long has she been staying with you?

It was  huge mistake to ask her to stay with you so early, as she was practically a stranger.

Edited by Hollyj
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33 minutes ago, Tshepo said:

I don't know if I can do this any longer, when she moved in with me I thought she just needed time away from the sisters things will get better maybe they might talk things through, it's been 5months now and it doesn't look like they will resolve anything.

This is a lot on you and she needs to consider this.

Explain this to her, that you thought it would only be for a short term- meaning a bit of time away, then try to work things out at home.  Not stay.

Is not good, that this happened so quickly , within 2 mos of you to being involved.  her problems should not be weighing you down.

Is sad she does not have her parents 😞 .. but does she have some friends?  

Not sure her age- but is there a reason she is not working- to help with things there, at your place?

Either way, this is not fair on you.

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3 hours ago, Tshepo said:

, her two older sisters are the ones looking after her.

it's been 5months now 

Why do her sisters "look after her"? Is she a minor? Does she have disabilities?

People aren't stray animals you take in as pets. You're not going to fix her.

Is this the same woman?:

 

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It takes you 5 months later to find out she's a scrub? Tell her she needs to go back home or get a job within a two week period because house cleaning doesn't pay the bills...you can't afford her. Just say it. Enough is enough. If she gets mad well that should tell you she's a selfish lowlife. Now you know why she wasn't getting along with her sisters....they were telling her to get off her butt and get a job. Dude if you don't put the hammer down on this you get no respect.

Edited by smackie9
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Yah, she moved in, is dependent on you and has low libido??? Seems this is not what you signed up for or really what anyone would sign up for. I think its fine to ask her to work things out with her sisters and move back there. I don't think its a betrayal as you never intended it to be permanent. 

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Be tactful and respectful of her family relationships. Insulting her won't get you anywhere and this is as much your problem as it is hers because you made it your problem when you invited her to live with you. This goes both ways. 

It sounds like the bulk of your issues comes from debt or not being able to save. If she's living with you she also abides by your house rules. Why are you paying for anything extra or buying things for her? What does she ask for that's putting you in debt? If you are already worried about your finances, don't blame it on her. I don't think that's right or the fair thing to do. Just fix the problem and don't overspend.

If you choose to go down the route of asking her to leave, tell her that you're not prepared to live with anyone and value your space. How she does it is not really your concern (whether she fixes her relationships with her sisters or not). If you want to continue the relationship, talk it through. If she cares about you she'll leave of her own accord anyway and move out or find another living accommodation. If the relationship does not work out, that is fine and be prepared for that. 

 

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You should've thought about your situation before deciding to let her stay. You should've evaluated the relationship first and determined if you both were READY to live together. 

She might be really upset and might feel betrayed but since you didn't do your due diligence youre ganna need to ask her to leave and then wait and see what happens. 

I would just suggest that she gets a job so she can at least contribute. 

ALSO: In some cultures women choose to be housewives. When you invited her to stay with you, you basically established a "marriage" element to your relationship suggesting that you'll financially take care of her and that you WANTED to cross this milestone in your relationship. 

If this hurts her it's because you didn't establish boundaries. 

Edited by rchubn
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I'm a little confused on how her staying with you is affecting your finances to this degree. Meaning that your rent is the same whether she is there or not. Pretty much same goes for utilities - an extra person is really a negligible difference. Quite frankly, in terms of living costs, if she were to get a job and contribute, that would be a financial windfall for you. So what else are you paying for and why?

You sound kind of mystified how you suddenly can't meet your financial goals and I'm going to call bs on that. You know where, how, and on what you are spending and nobody is forcing you to do it. 

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What was the agreement on the length of time she would stay there?  If there was no mention of that, you may be in way over your head. Tenants have more rights than you'd like to believe.  Depending on where you live, it may be different, but my guess is it won't be a walk in the park.

Hopefully it doesn't get to the point of needing legal counsel.

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I agree with HeartGoesOn's words of caution. There may be legal consequences to any oral agreements entered into between you two which may have resulted in her having a leasehold property interest (i.e., as a tenant). It is smart to consider that before taking action to evict. However, depending on jurisdiction, if you gratuitously allowed her to live at your place temporarily without expecting anything in return, perhaps there is nothing binding there. Either way, I suggest proceeding with caution and handling this cordially. Most situations like this are capable of mutual and cordial resolution. 

As to your original question, no, OP, you would not be betraying her. We do not know the details of her relationship with her sisters. Regardless, you have no moral duty to affirmatively assist her at great detriment to yourself. I suggest that you bring up to her that you are struggling financially and cannot continue the current arrangement. That you suggest that she move out within a reasonable time, or, as others stated, find some way to financially support herself.

Frankly, though, if you are providing for her at great detriment to yourself, and she is not showing much sexual interest in you despite your needs, that tells me that perhaps she does not respect you. And, either way, you should respect yourself -- remove yourself from this awful situation.

---

(I am not a licensed practitioner of law, and this is not legal advice).  

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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