Am I being selfish? (Sex)

[HEXAGONS]

Hi, this is my first post here.

So I Will condense this as much as I can but its a decade of a story..

Me and my partner of 10 years have different sex drives, and I guess different ideas on what a healthy sex life looks like.

I am quite a sexually motivated individual, I love it,, everything about all of it but it is causing alot of problems with my relationship because I am not being fulfilled. This has been going on for 7 years.

When we first met we was at it all the time. Anywhere and everywhere we could, every time we met. Then things got serious, we fell in love and had our first baby. 

This is where it all changed. The sex pretty much went away but i accepted it as raising a baby is very hard on especially for a breast feeding mother. Hormones all over the shop. This was reality for over 2 years, I was sexually frustrated for the most part but accepted it.. until things started to improve. 

Then we fell pregnant again with our second baby which was fantastic, and planned. But there went the sex life again for another 2 years.. but it never bounced back this time. There is always excuses.. too tired. Long day. Stress. Hormones. Kids. But just generally..  I dont want sex.. which is her choice but I feel like I am suffering because I am not being fulfilled.

HUGE CURVEBALL. During a very frustrating time when sex was dry I found out she was flirting with another man of a sexual nature, the even met but apparently nothing happened, but they exchanged sexy pictures and it was a sexually motivated affair.. I was shocked because there i was horny and avaliable but she didn't want me? Because she's tired? Hmmm.

SOMETIMES it's good. All of a sudden one month she will want it more.. sometimes 2 nights in a row, then it will just disappear and we can go weeks without anything not even a kiss..

She says my sex drive and wants/desires/needs are not her responsibility.. night after night we get into bed and she turns her back on me while I lay there staring at the ceiling craving, wanting, needing sex... 

Of course we have spoken about it. Many many MANY times. But nothing ever changes.

I feel selfish to be honest and often  feel I'd be better off with no sex drive at all because its more hassle in our relationship than its worth. 

I dont know what the answer is. Am I in the wrong for giving her a hard time for not giving me the sex life I want? Should she be making an effort to take care of me sexually?

 We are a family and I dont wanna destroy everything we have over sex but it is a big problem.

 

Any thoughts or advise would be appreciated because I don't know what to do.

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, HEXAGONS said:

She says my sex drive and wants/desires/needs are not her responsibility..

So you just bang the wall? Sex is an act of two in a relationship and it concerns both of you and your needs. Both of your needs need to be taken into account. Could you have an honest open talk with her about why she doesn't want to have sex anymore? Cause there could me some factors; unresolved postpartum depression, anxiety/insecurity, hectic chores because of the two babies, stress, work,... Make her feel comfortable and show her that you really care and are craving her.

Again, let's be clear on one thing: you are not being selfish. Sex is an important part of the relationship and shouldn't be dismissed. It's a work of two.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, HEXAGONS said:

 . There is always excuses.. too tired. Long day. Stress. Hormones. Kids. 

These aren't excuses. This is her resenting you for not helping out more.

You're complaining about lack of sex. Ok. But is there any romance to inspire her to feel close to you?

She clearly resents you and is shutting you out. You need to find out why.

[DarkCh0c0]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're complaining about lack of sex. Ok. But is there any romance to inspire her to feel close to you?

Good point. OP do you help out in the house? Give her the attention she needs? You said she had a fling, so she could have some unmet needs from your relationship.

[HEXAGONS]

54 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

These aren't excuses. This is her resenting you for not helping out more.

You're complaining about lack of sex. Ok. But is there any romance to inspire her to feel close to you?

She clearly resents you and is shutting you out. You need to find out why.

This is a fantastic point and 5 or 6 years ago I would agree that I didn't help her enough. But I realised then that that was an issue and I have turned it around. I do alot of work around the house and without sounding like an ***, i would consider her lucky. I dont drink, i dont go out at the weekends, I'm not a typical lad. I dedicate my life to my family. My job means I spend a good amount of time at home and if I am home I'l make sure the washing is done, washing up, kids bathed etc. I never expect her to do anything.

but she still feels sorry for herself. And she still resents me, maybe this is a conversation we need to have again so I can find out why because I don't don't its fair she is feeling that way.

i couldn't do any more for her if i tried, she absolutely feels valued, I compliment her efforts with working from home and cleaning etc almost daily.

I will chat with her tonight about the resentment and see what she says. I will also come back with her reasons as to why she's not wanting sex

[HEXAGONS]

36 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Good point. OP do you help out in the house? Give her the attention she needs? You said she had a fling, so she could have some unmet needs from your relationship.

See my above response, she gets too much attention from me I expect. I dont wanna play games but if if went hard to get or went out more she would probably want me more.. she is so secure with me she knows how devoted I am.

The needs she got from her fling is exactly how I'd like to be with her. I'm up for pictures and sexy conversations. its just not exciting is it, when you've been with someone for 9 years. It came out of nowhere too in all this time I have never even seen her message another man I trusted her 110%%. That will never be the same for sure but I dont even mention it anymore 

[DarkCh0c0]

@HEXAGONS how did you find out about her fling?

Anyways, it does sounds like you guys need to have an open conversation. Keep us posted.

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, HEXAGONS said:

And she still resents me

Stop begging for sex and find out what the real issues are regarding resentment and all the discord. When you clear that up, you'll clear up the intimacy.

[Twisted Fate]

I woman needs to feel loved to give love and a man feels loved when given it so its a hard situation to navigate sometimes. She has unmet needs and that is probably the issue. Figuring out what those are and addressing them will help to correct the problem.

There are sex therapists that specialize in these issues if she would be open to going. I feel like it is probably a barrier to her wants and your wants not being fulfilled. It is perfectly fine for you to want sex and she obviously does too or she wouldnt have been sending sexy pics to another guy. Respark the romance. Date nights, new clothes to wear on the date (get her size and pick out an outfit and surprise her with it), somewhere you haven't been before, surprise small gifts, notes, body rubs, pedicures, make it exciting again. Court her like you would a new relationship and make her feel loved and wanted (not just sexually but in general). Sometimes do these things without the idea that she "owes" you sex afterwards, just do them because you love her and then slowly turn it into playful sexual talk. Make it fun, maybe please her for a night without any expectation of anything else. Show her that you love her and she will return it to you with love. If she turns over, try to hold her without initiating sex. Show her that you can be there emotionally, listen to her without trying to fix anything and show empathy toward her feelings. 

 

Anyways, these are my thoughts, I hope you find something useful and good luck!

[SooSad33]

11 hours ago, HEXAGONS said:

HUGE CURVEBALL. During a very frustrating time when sex was dry I found out she was flirting with another man of a sexual nature, the even met but apparently nothing happened, but they exchanged sexy pictures and it was a sexually motivated affair.. I was shocked because there i was horny and avaliable but she didn't want me? Because she's tired?

- Okay, so she cheated 😕 

And this is acceptable?  You, being her partner but she went elsewhere.. is okay?

 

11 hours ago, HEXAGONS said:

She says my sex drive and wants/desires/needs are not her responsibility.. night after night we get into bed and she turns her back on me while I lay there staring at the ceiling

Sure it is, she is your partner, are you supposed to go find someone else like she did?

-Why is she turning her back, is what I question?

 

11 hours ago, HEXAGONS said:

I feel selfish to be honest and often  feel I'd be better off with no sex drive at all because its more hassle in our relationship than its worth. 

That, you are not. Sex is a normal part of a couples relationship.  You both have 'needs', but what's with her seeking attention elsewhere, when you are right there. SHE is supposed to be involved with YOU.

(As someone has mentioned - IF you feel putting up the fight for this relationship - and can't figure it out & want to remain, talk with her abt sex counselling.)