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Am I over reacting?


Lohny
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My bf(28) and I (34) have been together almost 2 years. About 4 months into our relationship he went through something really humiliating to him involving friends back home spreading lies about him, and ever since he’s never been the same. To this day he’s held onto it and wants revenge, even though he hasn’t seen or spoken to these people in over a year. 
 

to add to that, he’s grown very cold with me. We don’t have sex anymore even though I ask, he doesn’t make plans for our future, he doesn’t pay much attention to me. He refuses to get any sort of help. And just says he’s different now, and that’s just the way it is. He says he loves me but even the littlest things are too much for him. For instance I’ve told him I need communication during the day, text me good morning or ask me how my day is... but he just doesn’t want to. It’s not that he’s too busy, he admits he has conversations with others on snap or text. He just thinks having to check in is cringey. I told him it’s just part of a normal relationship but he says “he’s not normal”. 
 

ive never been with someone so inconsiderate of how I feel. I just don’t understand how a text every now and then could be so daunting. 
 

our big fight was this past Sunday when he was at the bar... I called to ask if I could drop something off at his place and he ignored me twice. I think it’s dis respectful he thinks I’m trying to control him. I don’t care where he goes I just want to be in the know. Am I over reacting? Is asking him to communicate too much? What am I missing here? 

Edited by Lohny
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I think you're being too needy -it doesn't matter if you think it's easy to text and check in  - it is easy but it's what it means to him that is not palatable.  Why should he have to check in daily?  Why did you need to drop something off at his place at the very time he was out with his friends? Why do you need to be in the know? Giving people space is a very giving thing to do -and it motivates people to want to be with you.  Sometimes checking in is essential - couples who have a child or a pet who needs tending to.  I'm married and I try never to ask who my husband is on the phone with - I want him to feel comfortable that there's no one hovering over him, watching what he does, etc.  

There are couples who are more joined at the hip.  I remember though about 15 plus years ago when cell phones were still kind of new my friend was over the moon about her boyfriend and they'd call each other and check in multiple times a day - she said "you know it's just how we are" -he proposed very early in the relationship. And they ended things a couple of months later after she moved in.  My sense is while they were all infatuated they loved being in close touch but once things settled in she continued to want all that and he did not.  He found her clingy.

But yes there are couples who constantly check in (and who constantly post photos of each other on Facebook showing the world how in love they are/still are).  It's one way of being part of a couple.  It's your way.  It's not his way though.  Find someone who needs that level of being in the know, as you put it.

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I agree with above.

He seems to be 'different' for you now.  It has been 2 yrs and this is how he is.  But, sounds like you don't like it.

Usually, once a couple 'get comfortable' in a relationship ( honeymoon phase is over), things will change.  it's not as 'exciting' as it was in the beginning- so, what he did way back when you guys started, he has changed some since then.

No, I guess he does not feel he needs to chime in every morning/night.  he does not feel he has to tell you everything (as he does have a life outside the relationship- which is healthy).

How about calling each other? Like actual 'talk'?  Can you maybe try that maybe once/twice a week?

Just don't pester him, he will get annoyed & can cause more distance.

If you are concerned with him seeming cold, or bitter and you don;t like that- nothing you can do about it- is up to HIM to deal with it.

Maybe, you are just not so happy being with him anymore...

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You want the constant messages because you fear you are losing him.  You message him while he's out with friends and try to go by his place because you fear you are losing him.

Is this how you want your relationship to be?

He isn't going to turn into the guy you want him to be.  So you can continue trying and trying to get him to "change" or you can realize you two are just incompatible.

Yes, you "love him".  But you can fall in love again, the next time with someone whose communication style matches yours better.

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If your sex life is suffering and your dynamic is different, then the stuff like daily texts cause a bit of a war - you want it because you’re needing affirmation.  You feel all the stuff that’s different between you.  He resists because 1.  He may just not think that’s a necessary part of a relationship and 2.  He feels you pulling at him, and it’s irritating.  
 

And if he is generally indifferent towards you, perhaps he has started checking out.  Is that it?  Or is your relationship falling into that post honey moon phase? 
 

My fiancée used to write me damn near dearest Abigail text novels.  These days, it’s  informing me everything came out all right in the bathroom.  We have less sex, too.  But when we do, we are both there and connected.  So how are things WHEN they happen?  How are you two when you are together, in person?  What’s different aside from sex?  What, more specifically, does him being cold towards you entail? 

Edited by Cheetarah
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Posted (edited)

I think you are right @Cheetarah Since our dynamic has suffered for so long, and he’s not good with affirmation, sometimes I feel like “come on you gotta give me something”. I guess it’s a little weird, when we are together everything is really good that’s maybe 2 days a week... when we are apart which is most of the time, I don’t feel connected. I’m a successful single mom... he doesn’t make a lot of effort to be a part of our world when I’m not around. Maybe my frustration comes from his lack of effort and also knowing that he can send a dirty snap to his group chat every morning but can’t say anything to me, because he doesn’t want to “worship the ground I walk on”. Which I would never expect. But I never feel like a priority.    He’s grown cold in other ways too- he’s told me he knows I love him more than he loves me, he often gets drunk and blacks out, doesn’t remember mean things he’s said. We do talk on the phone most nights, but I guess I’m upset that I’ve tried many times to set a boundary - i like subtle communication, It doesn’t need to be a whole conversation. if you can go to the bar and hang with your friends it’d be respectful to at least let me know! - and even just that little thing has become such a huge issue. If I did the same to him, he’d flip. When I go out he’s constantly wondering what I’m up to, where I am, who I’m with. 

Edited by Lohny
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9 minutes ago, Lohny said:

I think you are right. Since our dynamic has suffered for so long, and he’s not good with affirmation, sometimes I feel like “come on you gotta give me something”. I guess it’s a little weird, when we are together everything is really good that’s maybe 2 days a week... when we are apart which is most of the time, I don’t feel connected. I’m a successful single mom... he doesn’t make a lot of effort to be a part of our world when I’m not around. Maybe my frustration comes from his lack of effort and also knowing that he can send a dirty snap to his group chat every morning but can’t say anything to me, because he doesn’t want to “worship the ground I walk on”. Which I would never expect. But I never feel like a priority.    He’s grown cold in other ways too- he’s told me he knows I love him more than he loves me, he often gets drunk and blacks out, doesn’t remember mean things he’s said. We do talk on the phone most nights, but I guess I’m upset that I’ve tried many times to set a boundary - i like subtle communication, It doesn’t need to be a whole conversation. if you can go to the bar and hang with your friends it’d be respectful to at least let me know! - and even just that little thing has become such a huge issue. If I did the same to him, he’d flip. When I go out he’s constantly wondering what I’m up to, where I am, who I’m with. 

sorry honey,but heisnt fulfilling your needs. he is aloof and maybe dismissive avoidant. when you said you are a single mom and he doesnt make you and kids is a priority is where i lost interest in defending him.

 

at 2 years in, yall should be a happy family together. Not necessarily demanding him to be stepdad, but a family nonetheless

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40 minutes ago, Lohny said:

I think you are right @Cheetarah Since our dynamic has suffered for so long, and he’s not good with affirmation, sometimes I feel like “come on you gotta give me something”. I guess it’s a little weird, when we are together everything is really good that’s maybe 2 days a week... when we are apart which is most of the time, I don’t feel connected. I’m a successful single mom... he doesn’t make a lot of effort to be a part of our world when I’m not around. Maybe my frustration comes from his lack of effort and also knowing that he can send a dirty snap to his group chat every morning but can’t say anything to me, because he doesn’t want to “worship the ground I walk on”. Which I would never expect. But I never feel like a priority.    He’s grown cold in other ways too- he’s told me he knows I love him more than he loves me, he often gets drunk and blacks out, doesn’t remember mean things he’s said. We do talk on the phone most nights, but I guess I’m upset that I’ve tried many times to set a boundary - i like subtle communication, It doesn’t need to be a whole conversation. if you can go to the bar and hang with your friends it’d be respectful to at least let me know! - and even just that little thing has become such a huge issue. If I did the same to him, he’d flip. When I go out he’s constantly wondering what I’m up to, where I am, who I’m with. 

Sounds like you guys might have different relationship goals.  The more you try to pull him towards the type of relationship you crave the more he is going to resist.  
 

You have to decide if you’re good with this.  There were points in my life where I, as a single mom, would have been good with that setup because it didn’t put much pressure on me, and I didn’t want anything very serious.   I also had to accept that if I did change my mind about what I wanted they probably weren’t going to be on the same page.  
 

Sounds like this just isn’t working for you anymore.  Think about what you’re looking for, long term.  If you want a person you can spend more time with, that’s fine!  It doesn’t make either of you wrong.  It just means taking a hard look at both of your goals and asking yourself if they really mesh.  
 

I think the most telling thing here though, is him saying that he knows you love him more than he does you.  Also, the blackout drunk thing is in a category all itself and super concerning.  I don’t know how much your child is involved but you don’t want that around them.  

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8 hours ago, Lohny said:

What am I missing here? 

That he doesn't want the same sort of relationship you want. 

You're not asking for too much, necessarily, but you are asking for it from the wrong guy. You know this. You cannot force someone to be who they just aren't. 

It's time you read the writing on the wall and end this. He isn't you the same way anymore. 

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Does he frequent bars a lot? He seems morbidly immature.

It sounds like his pals and drinking come first, like a kid in a fraternity.

He's also not attracted to you. No sex? That's a huge red flag. He may be with others.

You can do much better than this. End it. Clean and simple.

Don't try to mother, fix or change him. That too is a red flag.

After 2 years you already know it's not working. Just headaches and heartaches. 

Why waste more time on this? Especially at 34 y/o.  Don't you want a nice life one day?

Edited by Wiseman2
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I don't think he's that into you.  If he were you wouldn't need "affirmation" which is a dressed up way of you feeling needy because in the dance of intimacy he's not dancing anymore -in a healthy relationship there's often a slight imbalance and it goes back and forth -even in a friendship -people go through moodier or needier times, people feel closer to their partner at some times rather than others.  Because of covid I have so little time to myself. And I don't want to have to give "affirmations" if I'm finally (!) sitting down to eat a meal or have some coffee or -gasp - look at Facebook for a few minutes before unloading the dishwasher.  And I would especially loathe it if it was out of some regular manifestation of insecurity rather than "I need a hug".  

He's not dancing anymore -find another tango partner.  

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Look at who you're with, and that's who you think you deserve. You're not your own priority. Otherwise, you wouldn't be with someone who abuses alcohol, who is cold to you, who ignores reasonable requests to please you. And you're teaching your child that instead of reaching for the stars, it's okay to remain in a smelly garbage heap of toxic fumes.

Be alone and learn to love yourself. Read articles and books on how to gain self worth. Only when you get to that point will you be ready to date again. Otherwise, you will keep on choosing men who are inappropriate for you.

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19 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Look at who you're with, and that's who you think you deserve. You're not your own priority. Otherwise, you wouldn't be with someone who abuses alcohol, who is cold to you, who ignores reasonable requests to please you.

Yeah. Take a hard look at the guy you're trying to win. He a 34-year old man who gets blackout drunk with his friends.

He makes fun of you:

10 hours ago, Lohny said:

can’t say anything to me, because he doesn’t want to “worship the ground I walk on”.

Seriously, are you really asking to be worshipped, or do you just want a little attention?

He's unabashedly profiting from this dynamic at your expense:

10 hours ago, Lohny said:

he’s told me he knows I love him more than he loves me

He sounds like an all-around nasty guy. Wouldn't you rather put effort into a guy who loves you as much as you love him?

You can do a lot better.

Edited by Jibralta
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How will you feel if this doesn't change? in a year? 2? 5? 10?

Here's a spoiler alert- he ain't changing. this is a good as it gets with him.

Dump him. Now. he knows what he does.  Depression doesn't make you stupid. He needs to get help for himself and do it for himself. You can't do it for him.

Dumping him could be the best thing for you both. through loss he may get help and be better in the long run. 

Through loss, you will learn you don't need a guy that treats you like your needs aren't important.  Sex, affection, regular communication are the relationship. You're not getting those. Is it really a relationship? 

Get out now.

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What are you still doing with him? Should have dumped him the moment he started mistreating you.

You are literally saying that after 4 months, he started acting like a complete a hole and yet here you are, 2 years later STILL putting up with his bs. What is going on with you that you can't kick this loser out of your life? 

Also, he didn't change. After 4 months, aka after the honeymoon, you saw who he really is - a vindictive a hole. The fact that he is obsessed about revenge should actually scare the daylights out of you and cause you to avoid this creep like the plague. Do you have any sense of self preservation at all? He treats you horribly because he wants to, because this is who he is. NO amount of being good to him or begging him to show you some basic humanity is going make him act like a decent person. He is not decent. Never was, never will be. Can you wrap your head around that and finally leave him?

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3 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

you saw who he really is - a vindictive a hole. The fact that he is obsessed about revenge should actually scare the daylights out of you and cause you to avoid this creep like the plague.

Agree. I wanted to mention this, too. Yes, staying with someone who has this quality alone seems contrary to self preservation. Add the other qualities to the mix and staying with him seems a lot like self destruction on your part.

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10 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

You are literally saying that after 4 months, he started acting like a complete a hole and yet here you are, 2 years later STILL putting up with his bs. What is going on with you that you can't kick this loser out of your life? 

Also, he didn't change. After 4 months, aka after the honeymoon, you saw who he really is.

It didn’t start out like that, when he went through what he did, he needed me and I helped him through it. He was going through a really deep depression, and honestly I stayed because I thought it would get better, that he was acting the way he was because of what happened and he would eventually move on from it. But he’s stuck in the past it seems. 

 

also, I guess I’ve been holding on to the good. He doesn’t always treat me bad, he makes me laugh, he buys me gifts, we have a lot in common, we have fun when we are together. He’s my best friend. 
 

I know I deserve to be treated better, sometimes I just think we’ve been through so much, and I’ve worked so hard that I’m just having a hard time letting it go. 
 

 

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2 minutes ago, Lohny said:

sometimes I just think we’ve been through so much, and I’ve worked so hard that I’m just having a hard time letting it go. 

Look up the fallacy of sunk cost. You will never recover the time you're wasting here.

Continuing to spend time with him will not add value to the time you've already lost waiting around. You will just waste even more time, and not be able to recover it.

Another phrase to describe this situation is "throwing good money after bad."

Edited by Jibralta
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1 minute ago, Lohny said:

It didn’t start out like that, when he went through what he did, he needed me and I helped him through it. He was going through a really deep depression, and honestly I stayed because I thought it would get better, that he was acting the way he was because of what happened and he would eventually move on from it. But he’s stuck in the past it seems. 

 

also, I guess I’ve been holding on to the good. He doesn’t always treat me bad, he makes me laugh, he buys me gifts, we have a lot in common, we have fun when we are together. He’s my best friend. 
 

I know I deserve to be treated better, sometimes I just think we’ve been through so much, and I’ve worked so hard that I’m just having a hard time letting it go. 
 

 

You have got to let go of this idea that he is stuck. He is not stuck, he is just being himself. 

You are the one who is stuck on the idea that you can fix him and make him be the kind of a man you actually want.

Of course no relationship is 100% bad, even wife beaters will buy flowers. Does that make the overall relationship and all the abuse acceptable? NO. Again, you have to get unstuck and decide for yourself that being treated like dirt is not acceptable to you.

After everything you've been through.....correction - after all the time and effort you've wasted on this a hole he is STILL an a hole. How much more time are you going to waste before you finally learn that he is just an a hole.

It's not him who is stuck. It's you who is stuck on this idea that you can turn this slimy frog into a prince....if you juuuuuust try harder and do more..... It.does.not.work.like.that. You are wasting your life and letting good men pass you by while being stuck on this loser. Stop it. End it. Be done. Move on. 

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