Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I am hoping for some advice. My relationship of close to 2 years has been great. This is what i feel is my soulmate. However, there are some things that really bother me and I am not sure how to handle them or if I am overreacting.   My boyfriends 13 year old daughter is emotionally all over the place. I realize the age does not help. I do not feel like she has any discipline.  She gets away with murder and both parents let her so she doesnt choose to not be with one or the other. As of late it seems she is starting to run our relationship. Her jealousy over me has grown.  She is unhappy that we do things together on the weekend at times and other times she participates and is happy.  I feel like she has no respect for me at all as an adult. Fifty percent of the time she makes unfriendly comments to me.  I say hello how are you and get no response or I ask a question and get no response. Very rude. I have not come upon this before and I am not sure if she does the same to other people. Other times she seems to enjoy my company. My boyfriend lets it all slide because he wants to keep peace.  She has complained lately that i am always around when she is there and she just wants to do things with him.  She also just wants to sit at home and gets upset if I try to plan a outdoor activity. I am not the type of persom to sit inside the entire day. So now he makes an effort to plan hime activities to keep peace. 

Recently I find that plans we make on own time is kept from her so she doesnt get jealous. This feels wring to me.  I feel like I am the one giving all and ignoring my needs just to make her happy.  Our nights with all of us are now planned by her to make sure she doesnt feel like a 3rd wheel and so her night is good and no arguing or melt downs.  I do 100% understand this is his child and she comes first I really do undetstand that.  But I also feel like it needs to be handled in some way.  If he wants a relationship I feel like it needs to be made clear to her that we are together and I am a part of their day and plans. A compromise of what we all enjoy should be made and not me going along for the ride even if it is something that I have no interest in. I feel like there are other things I could be doing but i give them up to spend time with him and end up sitting there with no input on the evening. I understand she may be jealous or feel like i am taking her father away. But I also feel like it needs to be addressed and either needs to improve or it isnt fair to me. I almost feel like she wants him all to herself and doesnt understand they have a different type of relationship then me and him.  Advice and thoughts on all this is so appreciated. I am just at a lose on what i should think. 

Also he is still friends with his x wife on social media. I know he likes to keep tabs to see what is up with his daughter when with her but they also like posts and comment etc. Meanwhile she was horrible to them and still is a nightmare. Why would you still keep this person on your friends list everywhere. Should that be an issue or am I being immature.

I want this relationship to be forever and i believe him when he says he does as well. But I worry I am not being meshed into his world correctly and not being respected as I should.

Thank you

Natalie 

 

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm in the same or very similar situation now with my girlfriend and her 18 year old son.

Suffice it to say that she will always come first, her needs will prioritize those of your relationship and given the amount of enabling, permissiveness and lack of discipline you're seeing now, it's going to get worse.. a LOT worse before it starts getting better either when she moves out to go to college or hits her mid 20s when they finally start to grow up. But even then she'll always be a big part of his life and if you two don't get along it's going to be a proverbial "thorn in the side" sort of problem.  I just recently moved out of my girlfriend's home that I lived in for 6 years and our relationship is in serious trouble.

I feel for you and all I can say is he better really be worth it for what you're going to have to go through to keep this one working.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry this is happening. She's not the problem, your BF is.

Basically you are incompatible because he's a package deal.

It's 24 mos. A good time to reflect if you want to waste more time on this.

It's causing you a lot of grief and stress. If you stay, things will not change.

You'll just have more headaches and heartaches.

You have no say in how your BF and the mother choose to raise the child.

It's putting a damper on your relationship, so end it. 

You're raging at a teen. That's because you're in denial that the BF and his ex are the problem.

Don't pick on kids. Dad seems like a first class jerk.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems like you live there - but I assume not?

YOU also need to accept her end of this... she has been with her father her whole life.  You came around abt 2 yrs ago.

She does rule there in that sense.. But, yes she could 'give a little', but I say you need to try & understand all that family has been through.. (her parents break... a new woman with dad.. and she is hitting puberty- so you will see many moods). I am guessing you do not have teen children.

If you do not live there (but seems you are always there when she is...), does she ever get her time alone with dad?  They do need that as well... All that has occured in their lives, transitions are difficult. - all takes some time and yes, the kids can & will be testy.

 I feel like it needs to be made clear to her that we are together and I am a part of their day and plans. A compromise of what we all enjoy should be made and not me going along for the ride even if it is something that I have no interest in. I feel like there are other things I could be doing but i give them up to spend time with him and end up sitting there with no input on the evening.

- Then back off and go do things for yourself.. do you have friends you go hang with now & then- do you?.

 

Re: him & his ex... tread carefully there.  remember, they do have a past & kids. So, easy on all you say to him.

I do not have my ex's on my FB as friends or anything, but we've always spoken re: the kids. At times re: a few other things...( but, that is how he does it, then fine)...

Everything takes time.. time to accept & time to heal from a broken relationship. You need to step back sometime and let things be.  She will always be his daughter and his ex will always be part of their life, because of their kids.

If you cannot handle all of this, maybe it is time to think again- on what all you can  or can't handle.. but this is how it rolls within this family unit.

 

Edited by SooSad33
Link to post
Share on other sites

Unfortunately for you, his kid is a package deal.

You're dreaming if you think he will start enforcing rules on her just because you showed up or spoke up. No parents want to be critique on about their parenting or even the slightest implication they need to improve on will rub them the wrong way. Nothing is going to change because your boyfriend has been a certain type of parent for a very long time before you came in to their lives. 

You have been with him for 2 years so that's a long time to see what this relationship will include on a regular basis. Are you happy with that when you see what it entails? If no, I recommend you start looking in to ways for you to let it be or let it go.

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, NBowers said:

She has complained lately that i am always around when she is there and she just wants to do things with him.

Do they spend quality father-daughter time alone together?

Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems you are not cut out for dating single dads. Stop camping out at his house.

Think about it. You're in a catfight with a child!

Step back. Reflect. This won't change.

Additionally, would you really like to be the cliche evil stepmother? Unfortunately that's how you are acting.

Edited by Wiseman2
Link to post
Share on other sites

She's 13, a raging hormonal teenager that is developing mentally, having her period, all that awkward stuff. It's normal. When I was dating my husband, his sister was 12. When she turned 13 she became the anti-Christ. My father-inlaw was at a loss/upset/shocked, I was laughing to myself because I was like that too. After a couple of years she was fine and looking forward to getting her driver's license and working a part time job. It might seem like a crisis, but it's not. Be patient, they grow out of it.

I think what they are doing is ignoring it because if you give them the reaction they are trying to get they become more rebellious.

Edited by smackie9
Link to post
Share on other sites

It terms of her behavior at large, it's normal for her age and hopefully she'll grow out of it in a year or two. However, some don't grow out until 18 or early 20's, soooo don't hold your breath on her finding her manners and sanity any time soon. She is quite literally being and acting like a teenager.

That aside, you say that you see this as your forever but is it really? It doesn't seem like you really fit in all that well in terms of interests, activities, etc. You don't sound very happy or very satisfied with this relationship and mostly bored on the sidelines and fixating on the kid, while ignoring that elephant in the room - it's the father not the kid.

He tries to appease the daughter, he tries to appease you, but he does resort to lying and you rightly realize that this is wrong and a huge red flag. Just like he'll lie to his daughter...so he will lie to you. Think on that long and hard because you are seeing his character and how he handles pressure and uncomfortable situations.

My overall impression is that you are much more invested in this than he is and perhaps you are trying too hard to be there and to have the relationship that you'd like but he isn't giving you that or isn't even in the position in life to give you that at this point. What would happen if you did actually step way back and give them space instead of just trying to spend time with him while feeling left out?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

When I was the daughter's age, my Dad's GF (and later wife) won over my sister and me by staying away during our time with Dad unless invited.

My Dad introduced us on a few occasions by saying, "We've been invited to J's for some games and a meal. Would you like to go?" We weren't all that thrilled but also wanted to make my Dad happy. During those visits she treated us like honored and treasured guests, and we had fun with her.

But she'd continue to stay away unless my Dad made it feel like our idea. "We can get some pizza while we watch the game. How would you feel about inviting J for some pie?"

This got easier and easier for Dad and J over time. Since it was always left up to us rather than an imposition and a power struggle, we had started to really LIKE her. So WE would become the ones who asked about seeing her.

If you believe that treating the daughter as a problem will get you anywhere, I'd rethink that.

I'd consider the opposite to be true: you'll drive a wedge between yourself and daughter that will never be healed, and she'll respond by becoming even more difficult and territorial.

I'd skip that. I'd leave BF alone during his daughter's visits unless and until 'they' extend an invitation to join them. 

Edited by catfeeder
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

This does sound like a lot of compromise on your part.  And the boyfriend aka dad does not really have the tools to deal with his kid or his ex wife.  

So while I really like @catfeeder advice.  (That does seem the way to go btw....)

However, I think you need to decide.  if this doesn't get better, how will you feel?  I would also stop giving up things you like to do etc.  When you do this, it's like they aren't putting your needs first and neither are you.  

You have to start putting yourself first.  It might be hard to do, especially because you see this as your forever relationship.   And bf might say that he does, but does he?  He also has no motivation to support you and be a united front, because you just complain or hold it in.  It's not a problem for him.  Over time, your resentment will build.  Trust me.  It will ruin the relationship. 

I would pull back from this relationship and I would let him know, this situation, as it is, hurts me.  I want to love and accept your child but you're lying and doing things that don't feel right to me. 

You can't blame people for not meeting your needs when don't tell them what your needs are.  And you can't doing the same things, expecting different results.  

So maybe for a few years (yes.. years) you may have to have a boundary with your boyfriend that you only spend time together when he doesn't have his daughter.  And if he wants you, to be around, with the daughter, he needs to figure it out.

You deserve respect and if she can't be respectful, then you won't be around.  Which may make you feel like she won.  But here's the thing, you're the adult.  You can't look at this like winners and losers.  She may be an obnoxious pre-teen, which who wasn't?  you have to remove yourself from this situation and let it be what it is.  Not what you want it to be.

If you stay away, a few things could happen.  Your bf, could realize he wants you around.  He's motivated to work with the daughter to help her through her jealousy and insecurities.  Which is a whole other post about children of divorce, guilt etc.  

Or as Catfeeder mentioned, the daughter gets her way, calms down, or grows out of the situation.  

During this time-- you focus more on date nights together, when he is alone.  Stop including the daughter.  Let things chill.  Start making yourself your priority.  See how you feel.  If you realize this isn't the relationship you want, then maybe you need to think about moving on.

The thing with kids is, they are total sacrifice.  Parent's do it all for the kids and it's pretty rough at times.  As the gf or step parent, you are also doing it all for the kids. And it's super hard, if it's not your kids.  It's a huge sacrifice on your part and the real bummer is... you don't get to hold it over anyone's head.  He's going to do what's best for his kids and you have to do what's best for the kids.  Sorry.  It is thankless.   

Edited by Lambert
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...