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how to reach out to friend & ex-crush after ghosting?


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A couple weeks ago my friend (19M) and I (19F) realized we had feelings for each other. However, we agreed that a relationship wasn't a good idea for lots of different reasons and decided to stay friends but move on, or at least see what happens in the future without pushing it now. I felt like the conversation went really well and that we were on the same page about caring for each other and staying in touch.

Fast forward to now and he hasn't messaged me since that conversation... I was the last one to say something. I see that he's online and talking to our mutual friends but he's not interacting with me at all. I was fine with that, because sometimes people just need space but it's getting to the point where I feel like I should try to reach out.

Is this a good idea? Should I just let him go? My friends are saying "if he wants to talk to you, he would" and that he's ghosting me so I shouldn't bother to message him. I would agree, except for the fact that he has never been manipulative or dishonest and has admitted before he's really bad at friendships and being social. I mean, literally one of the last things he said to me was "I still want you in my life as a friend". I feel like I should invite him to reply -- just one time. I want closure and to know he's doing okay. What should I do/say?

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4 minutes ago, kit2kat said:

My friends are saying "if he wants to talk to you, he would" and that he's ghosting me so I shouldn't bother to message him. 

Trust your friends. 

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8 minutes ago, kit2kat said:

@Wiseman2And if he finally messages me? Do I bring up how the ghosting hurt me.

You are not dating, he doesn't owe you anything.

He didn't "ghost you". Stop stalking him. There's no such title/label as "ex-crush".

Find a BF and leave him along since you agreed to just stay friends.

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@boltnrun I totally get now that I shouldn't just use ghost as a shortcut for not messaging. It's just how my friends and I talk. No of course I don't keep a scorecard, it's just that he said he would keep in touch and hasn't. When a friend says that, usually they need some support and so I reach out and see what's up. All I'm trying to do is support him and usually I support people by talking to them. Since everyone has advised me to do otherwise, then agreed. I just needed to learn what to do in a new situation. Thanks for the advice!

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There could be any number of reasons why he hasn’t reached out. He’s admitted he’s a little awkward, maybe he had stronger feelings than he let on and needed time to heal, maybe (like you) he didn’t know if he should... The only way you could know is by talking to him, and the more time and space between you, the more difficult it becomes.

Consider the different ways he may react, and think of how you’d handle each possibility. Who knows what potential may be there between you? But even if he’s not open to a friendship, I’ve always felt that it hurts less to say something and wish you hadn’t than to say nothing and wish you had.

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@indea08 Thanks for the advice. This is how I feel too, I want to invite him to talk to me in case he feels that he can't. I would rather know what is going on than forever wonder how he's doing. I genuinely just want to be his friend and be there for him. However, everyone has told me I should leave him alone. 

I think I need more time to think about it. 

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Yes, leave it alone. Not because of him or what he's doing. Leave it alone because you are hurt by his lack of communication. There's some broken expectations there and maybe you are still reminiscent of that past bond or misconception you both had of each other. You both decided to "move on" so take time to reflect on what "move on" looks like to you. 

It's not good to keep latching on to someone if that person doesn't provide you with what you want. If you're looking for a relationship, leave this behind. This is a pseudo-situation that isn't the real deal.

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2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Yes, leave it alone. Not because of him or what he's doing. Leave it alone because you are hurt by his lack of communication. There's some broken expectations there and maybe you are still reminiscent of that past bond or misconception you both had of each other. You both decided to "move on" so take time to reflect on what "move on" looks like to you. 

It's not good to keep latching on to someone if that person doesn't provide you with what you want. If you're looking for a relationship, leave this behind. This is a pseudo-situation that isn't the real deal.

I think this is the advice I need, thank you. I wasn't looking for a relationship but when I realized we both were interested in each other, I thought it might work until we agreed it wouldn't. I thought moving on was going to be going back to how we spoke before we had feelings for each other, but maybe it was all romantic for him while it was platonic for me until relatively recently. I won't assume anything, I won't reach out, but I'll see if we interact more while with our mutual friends. Hopefully that's a good compromise.

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16 minutes ago, kit2kat said:

I think this is the advice I need, thank you. I wasn't looking for a relationship but when I realized we both were interested in each other, I thought it might work until we agreed it wouldn't. I thought moving on was going to be going back to how we spoke before we had feelings for each other, but maybe it was all romantic for him while it was platonic for me until relatively recently. I won't assume anything, I won't reach out, but I'll see if we interact more while with our mutual friends. Hopefully that's a good compromise.

Why did you both agree that it wouldn't work? What was the basis for that decision? Not everyone is able to be as objective about a romance not working as you've observed and he may not want to spend his days either talking to you like before when he could be meeting other women and spending more time with someone that way. 

Be cautious about individuals who are just looking for sexual companionship instead of the entire relationship package. It's an underhanded way to get in through the backdoor, proposing interests when those interests are basically quite superficial in nature. He may have realized that you're not that type of woman. I'm only putting this out there as a cautionary message, not assuming that this is what is happening. 

I would review why you depend on his input so heavily even as a friend. There was some chemistry there to begin with but don't let it stop you from living the rest of your life or finding a partner that is much more on your wavelength or more suitable to you.

 

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1 hour ago, Allienne said:

I thought it might work until we agreed it wouldn't.

I don't understand this. 

If you both like each other, why wouldn't it work? Whose idea was it not to pursue this?

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Ok, stay social media pals. Like/follow a snap, pic, comment, story, etc., of his. Start there.

Start posting some of your own interesting fresh new content. That way you can be on the radar but more subtly.

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3 hours ago, Allienne said:

And if he finally messages me? Do I bring up how the ghosting hurt me, ghost him back, or just treat him normally like a friend?

I'm sure he is fine.. yes, listen to your friends.  Just leave him be.

He's a 'friend'?  We don't always need to talk to our 'friends' all of the time.

Why bring up the ghosting issue?  IF he reaches out, can you not just react/talk to him like normal? (why would you react in a way you don't even like to be treated?) 😕 

*Is he a friend?* .. then why don't you treat him like one. ( be there, be kind, carry on).

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It's only been a couple weeks.  It's not ghosting, it's a cooling off period.  I wouldn't overthink it and let time do it's thing.

If you two were such great friends,  you'll be friends again.  Just not right now and not according to your time line.

And . . .if your friends are unanimously telling you to leave it alone, they are likely saying that for good reason.  I would listen to them.

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He's a guy and they don't talk much. I suspect he would have liked being talked into something more but it didn't happen. It's all about pride. There is nothing in it for him, so why bother messaging. He may have agreed to stay friends, but he's was just saying that. Just leave him alone.

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If you want to talk to someone (and you know for sure you both like each other) be adult and text him first. If he likes you, he'll probably be relieved and it'll establish the idea that he's ALLOWED to text you when the mood strikes because you texted him. This is how adults handle their relationships...eventually people grow out of that "phone tag" stuff. Imagine how many good relationships people missed out on because they played the phone tag game. 

You're friends are probably giving you advice out of their own insecurity but a secure person would send the first text if the person is on their mind and be secure enough in themselves that even if it doesn't work out they won't let it hurt their ego and move on to the next...

 

If no one bites you guys could be in this phone tag stuff for MONTHS and the feelings could fade out leabing the friendship extremely awkward. 

 

 

Edited by rchubn
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