Jump to content
'

33M Dumped by 27F for Chatting Online


Moof
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hello,

I, a 33 year old male, got dumped recently by my 27 female now ex girlfriend recently. We had been dating for 8 months in total. Here's the skinny from start to finish:

The first 4 months of dating were great. We started off in June of 2020 right in the middle of the pandemic. She is very cute, sweet and has a nice body. In the beginning, we would text often, go out on dates and generally had a really good time together. She, being 26 at the time, was recently out of school and in the work force living at her parents house in a town about 30 minutes away. During this period we would text back and forth, both initiating conversations. However, she didn't carry conversations on long as she is a bit more reserved and indicated that she isn't much of a texter. We didn't have much in common besides a love of breweries and food, and the fact that we thought each other was attractive.

Now, the back 4 months were almost a completely different story. She did carry the same sweet attitude, but once the holidays hit, we would barley see each other. She all the sudden became very afraid of covid and didn't want to go out at all. Dates became very spaced out and infrequent, despite me trying to set something up virtually every weekend. We began to average 3 meetups a month up until our break up just recently. As the holidays came, she would often say that we should often delay dates leading up to a holiday by a couple weeks, due to covid. At first I respect her caution, but I noticed it started to frustrate me as I would expect to see my partner more often at this point.

And at the same time, intimacy was scarce, out of the 3 times on average that we would hang out, maybe 2 out of the 3 would include sex. The sex was good to some degree, but it was very one sided. I would give all the foreplay and receive none. I have a thing for receiving oral (like most guys), I had even mentioned this to some degree "How about ... for me?" "Do you like ... " which got a brief answer, yes but it takes time for me to warm up to that (which I totally respect, but we're going on many months of dating here). 

I had also grew bored of our hang outs because it always included her coming to my place, because she lived with her parents. She would come over, we'd order or make food, watch Netflix, she would get tired very early and want to go to bed. Before we would head up, I had to let my puppy out to go to the bathroom and to crate her, a process that took about 15 minutes. So when I would do this right before bed, she would head up stairs, I would come back in from taking care of the puppy and the room would be dark and she'd be sleeping. After a few instances of this, I asked "Hey would you mind waiting to fall asleep until I get upstairs", that didn't happen, still passed out. This made me a little upset after asking her nicely to wait up for me as it would have been nice to cuddle, talk or even be intimate. Intimacy always happened in the morning if it did. There were a couple instances in the morning, where she would extra quick to leave, especially after I would order us breakfast, dine and dash... 

The last couple months I started to become very frustrated and unsatisfied with the lack of intimacy and seeing her. I even mentioned "Hey I don't want you to think I'm a weekend dater, we can hang out during the week" (Her: I'm just so exhausted from my 9-5 during the week) "There is a small brewery by me that has a patio, we should sit out side" (Her: It's too risky with Covid, maybe after I get my vaccine in a couple months) "What's up this weekend how about we make a pizza? (Her: I'm busy this weekend and the next). On top of this, there were a couple of instances where I would ask how her day is and I wouldn't get a response.

Another thing that oddly irked me as that she would always talk about how she is looking / saving up for a house. I know this is something I shouldn't be mad about, but it always feel weird because at 8 months, you would think that talk of moving would include the both of us. I know this is early for some, but It just made me feel extra alone, because I had hinted that I'm most likely going to find a new house in the next year or so. Maybe that's an irrational thought... I don't know. 

During this time, I had also been looking for a new job. My current job became a toxic, political *** show and I had been extremely unhappy because of it. I feel like my unhappiness in my work had also been a contributing factor to me overall mental health. 

All of this started to make me feel lonely and unsatisfied. I made an unfortunate decision to reactive my old Fetlife profile. At first I just used this to look at pictures and posts, but I began to think I could use it to fill the void of intimacy. Obviously a terrible idea.. I never acted on it, although I did post and comment on peoples pictures suggestively, which was wrong. I realized that I needed to communicate my feelings to her.. So I had planned to do so our next hangout, however, she found out about the Fetlife profile before I had the chance to sit her down and talk. When she found out, she called me...

 At first I panicked and lied about it, saying it wasn't me, but I had realized that from my pictures you could identify rooms in my house so after a second or two of BS her like a moron, I fessed up. "I'm going to come clean, yes I have a profile, yes I posted inappropriate and suggestive things to other girls and that was wrong, I didn't cheat, but I know that I betrayed your trust, I wanted to talk to you this weekend about how I feel... I just feel so alone, depressed and we hardly see each other, and we're not really intimate" She cut me off and replied "Listen, I don't see many people either we're in a pandemic.... I don't believe you were going to tell me these things. This relationship clearly isn't working, I wish you the best, don't contact me and delete my number"

Now I feel like ***. I was very wrong to go online and look... I didn't cheat, but I realize it has the same effect of being dishonest. I feel like my panic lie was idiotic, I just felt trapped and scared.. I have trouble communicating my feelings, one of the reasons my previous relationship failed, but that was a different story. I had been better this time about communicating about my needs in the bedroom to some degree and to try to keep things moving, although I obviously moved things backwards. Now at this point, I'm wondering if this was also a factor of us just not being compatible, given our very little shared interests and uneven sexual chemistry. Another difference is that I want to have kids and she pretty sure she doesn't want kids but open as she gets older. I'm not even sure if I want her back, If I could have the chance. However, I feel like my panic-induced response to getting caught was idiotic and my explanation came off as an attack on her, which isn't fair. At the very least I would like to offer her a better apology.. I just feel heart broken and annoyed that I had made a similar mistake to my previous relationship and at the same time hurt her. 

Almost immediately after she broke up with me, and old flame from high school came out of the blue and hit me up on Instagram, we went on a date already and it was great, but this breakup was just too fresh for me to really enjoy it as much.

Any advice on to if it would make sense to reach out and offer a better apology? Was I completely in the wrong about everything? I know that I was 100% wrong about the Fetlife and looking stuff, that was gross. Any words of wisdoms or thoughts on how to move forward would be appreciated. 

One thing I forgot to mention is that I have HSV2. I had disclosed this early on and she took a while to get comfortable with it before we started to have sex. Which is fine. The reason I mention this now is that the lack of intimacy and her touching me in foreplay made me extra sensitive and insecure about things in the bedroom. I do realize that this is my insecurity to manage, not hers, something I wanted to mention to her the conversation I hoped to have with her that one weekend that never happened. 

 

Edited by Moof
More info
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's eight months so cut your losses. Please don't feel resentful or unaccepted because of HSV2. You will just have to screen out and be more careful about the partners you choose. You were honest with her about it so let that go. Continue to be honest with all your partners. 

She was right and it wasn't working. Getting on that website and making those comments wasn't acceptable but it's finished. Don't apologize anymore. What's done is done. 

I don't think you both were well-matched and she was already checking out of the relationship but didn't have the guts to call it. Don't settle. Dust yourself off and move forwards from this.

Focus on your job and removing toxic relationships from your life. If you need to make lateral moves or leave the company, focus on that, not on deteriorating or go-nowhere relationships.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

45 minutes ago, Moof said:

After a few instances of this, I asked "Hey would you mind waiting to fall asleep until I get upstairs", that didn't happen, still passed out. This made me a little upset after asking her nicely to wait up for me as it would have been nice to cuddle, talk or even be intimate. Intimacy always happened in the morning if it did. There were a couple instances in the morning, where she would extra quick to leave, especially after I would order us breakfast, dine and dash... 

 

Sometimes, one is just too tired & will fall asleep... so mornings can happen, yes.

But, to dart out like that every time in the mornings... and not even stick around for the breaky you ordered?  Wow 😕 

47 minutes ago, Moof said:

Another thing that oddly irked me as that she would always talk about how she is looking / saving up for a house. I know this is something I shouldn't be mad about, but it always feel weird because at 8 months, you would think that talk of moving would include the both of us.

No, not if things with her were actually certain.  Only then, would that idea come about.  Any uncertainties and you wouldn't be brought into that idea. ( this is her future plans).

 

55 minutes ago, Moof said:

"I'm going to come clean, yes I have a profile, yes I posted inappropriate and suggestive things to other girls and that was wrong, I didn't cheat, but I know that I betrayed your trust, I wanted to talk to you this weekend about how I feel... I just feel so alone, depressed and we hardly see each other, and we're not really intimate" She cut me off and replied "Listen, I don't see many people either we're in a pandemic.... I don't believe you were going to tell me these things. This relationship clearly isn't working

- I feel she never gave you much of a chance to truly discuss any of this... YOU felt your relationship was lacking - but were not truly 'cheating'.

How and why did she find you on this? (was she also hanging around on it?).

57 minutes ago, Moof said:

us just not being compatible, given our very little shared interests and uneven sexual chemistry. Another difference is that I want to have kids and she pretty sure she doesn't want kids but open as she gets older.

You can see it like that... Incompatible.

 

Advice?  Do not reach out & try for a 'better apology'. I don't feel anything more will help- in ways I don't feel she was that into it anymore 😕 .

And as for this 'old friend' you went out with.. as you've realized.. Don't!  Take some down time & work on YOU again.  At this time, you've got nothing to give.  - You are not ready.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

58 minutes ago, Moof said:

The last couple months I started to become very frustrated and unsatisfied with the lack of intimacy and seeing her.

I made an unfortunate decision to reactive my old Fetlife profile.

You made the right choice ending it. She wanted a partner and you wanted BJs. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You made the right choice ending it. She wanted a partner and you wanted BJs. 

To be fair, I want a partner too, but I want the full package. No excuse on my ***ty actions though. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Another vote for not reaching out to her.

Based on the way you’ve described the relationship, she doesn’t sound like much of a girlfriend. More like a pandemic companion. I’m not surprised you felt alone under these circumstances.

I’d say you’ve learned some stuff about yourself here. You know about how much in person time you need, you know that you want someone who will converse with you in the evenings before bed, someone who’s ready to plan a life with a partner. You’ve learned that it’s easier for you to wander than to have a direct conversation about your needs not being met, that’s definitely something to work on. 

She helped you learn a lot about what you want and don’t want in a partner. That’s exactly what dating is for, she’s served her purpose in your life and now you can learn, grow, and head onto the next with a better understanding of what you’re looking for. That’s all life is. Experience, learn, grow, repeat.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The bottom line is you were "lonely and unsatisfied" while you were in the relationship with her, and she seemed to no longer be into it and was avoiding sex with you, etc. so this is really a blessing in disguise.

What's to be gained by reaching out to "give her a better apology"?

Really, just move along.  Neither of you were happy and it was still fairly early in the relationship.

Edited by waffle
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't see how you can find fault with her for wanting to be careful during a pandemic. People disregarding the seriousness of this pandemic is why it's still going on as badly as it is.

She seems to be a cautious person. You seem to be a throw caution to the wind type person. 

So in summary, you two are incompatible. 

Do not reach out to re-apologize. Instead, just work on accepting the two of you are not right for each other.

Your match is out there. You'll find her in good time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m confused as to why you would want to return to the relationship, as you were not happy, nor  getting your physical and emotional needs met.  She doesn’t even sound interesting.  I don’t get it! 
 

you were wrong  for going on the site, you were cheating. 
 

Move on an find someone you are compatible with. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I want to thank all the productive advice and commentary that has been provided here. 

Taking your suggestions, along with some personal friend's thoughts.. I have decided that it would be best to cut my losses and extract the lessons learned from this relationship.

I clearly have some work to do in the realm of communication and honesty. Communicating frankly, early and often is the key lesson learned. I'm certain that this experience has helped me grow and that I can come into my next relationship as a stronger person and partner. 

I will forever be sorry about betraying her trust, as she didn't deserve that. She deserved better and I know she will find someone that is better matched. I didn't physically cheat, but emotionally I'm guilty as charged, and it had the same effect regardless... Getting on the site and doing the things that I did was 100% wrong and I should've known better. The moment that I get the slightest inclination / desire to wander, I need to recognize those feelings, assess what they mean and communicate to my partner.

I now have a better idea of what I want and do not want in a partner, and I need to do a better job of choosing and filtering partners. 

I have also accepted a job offer at a bigger company doing more focused work that I enjoy. I'm hoping this is the begging of a new chapter in my life and I can now have a chance at being happy. 

So again, thanks to all that provided meaningful and thoughtful advice. 

Cheers

 

 

Edited by Moof
Typos
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 hours ago, Moof said:

I want to thank all the productive advice and commentary that has been provided here. 

Taking your suggestions, along with some personal friend's thoughts.. I have decided that it would be best to cut my losses and extract the lessons learned from this relationship.

I clearly have some work to do in the realm of communication and honesty. Communicating frankly, early and often is the key lesson learned. I'm certain that this experience has helped me grow and that I can come into my next relationship as a stronger person and partner. 

I will forever be sorry about betraying her trust, as she didn't deserve that. She deserved better and I know she will find someone that is better matched. I didn't physically cheat, but emotionally I'm guilty as charged, and it had the same effect regardless... Getting on the site and doing the things that I did was 100% wrong and I should've known better. The moment that I get the slightest inclination / desire to wander, I need to recognize those feelings, assess what they mean and communicate to my partner.

I now have a better idea of what I want and do not want in a partner, and I need to do a better job of choosing and filtering partners. 

I have also accepted a job offer at a bigger company doing more focused work that I enjoy. I'm hoping this is the begging of a new chapter in my life and I can now have a chance at being happy. 

So again, thanks to all that provided meaningful and thoughtful advice. 

Cheers

 

 

Congratulations man!! I hope the job is everything you want! Don’t beat yourself up too much with guilt, we all make mistakes. I know you’ll find an awesome lady who will very much appreciate your new and improved communication skills!

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Choosing to Trust
      ‘Trust’ is a philosophical choice. We can be cynical, guarded, and awaiting attack. Or open, positive, and hopeful— BUT prepared for all outcomes. Love Advice discusses the pros and cons of both positions.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Why Your Ex Can’t Make Up His Or Her Mind
      Clay Andrews talks about Why Your Ex Can’t Make Up His Mind. After a breakup, it's really confusing when it comes to getting back together, talking to you or even just being in contact with you. It can also be extremely frustrating how your interactions have been good but your ex is insisting that ex can't be friends and withdraws inexplicably. Had a great time spending time together but still your ex can't make up her mind? By the end of this video, Clay shares some IMPORTANT TIPS on how you can deal when your ex can't make up their mind and how to get your ex back.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Everything You Need to Know About Going "No Contact"
      1. Signs That "No Contact" Is Needed, 2. Understanding "No Contact", 3. The Benefits of "No Contact", 4. Strategies to Make "No Contact" Work, 5. What Makes "No Contact" So Hard?, 6. Why You're Struggling to Stay Away.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 6 Signs You Are Hurting Subconsciously
      Do you value having a positive and optimistic perspective of life, no matter how bad things are? Being overly positive and optimistic can be as bad, or even worse, than having a negative approach to something. After all, lying to yourself is very rarely the best way to approach things and it can be detrimental to your mental health. So, if you're not happy or hurting about something, it is important that you acknowledge it instead of repressing and ignoring it.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 7 Habits That Make You Irresistible
      What are some simple habits that make you irresistible to women, men, and everyone? If you want to be a more attractive person, these easy habits will get you there. Confidence is half the battle - at least.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...