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Partner and I have different views on where to live . How can I navigate this issue?


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I (33F) have been with my boyfriend (35M) for 18 months. He is a wonderful, kind and loving person.Broadly, our relationship is great. I hope to spend my life with this man.  We currently live in a foreign country to our native country and we met here. When we first met we were both happy here. However, over the past 6 months I have had health and money issues that have made me seriously reconsider building a life in this country long term. I have communicated this to my partner and suggested that we might, within the next year or so, move back to our home country. I have explained to him I feel that we would have better opportunities for work, for buying a house and, I hope, for building our future there long term. He has been vaguely positive but admits he is unsure of where he wants to settle. He has a good job here and his father lives nearby. I have no-one but him and his father here. The rest of his family and mine live in our native country. He has suggested that he could work remotely and that his company would support him in this but at this point it is all conjecture on his part at this point. I work for myself and would be around 20% better off in my home country. My partner is very indecisive about where he wants to be and admits that he "doesn't know" while I am absolutely certain of the trajectory I would like my life to take, ideally back home, over the next 3-5 years. How do I navigate this with him? How have you all tried to resolve an issue of this kind with a partner? Any views, opinions or advice on how best to navigate this issue with him would be very appreciated. 

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I have not had this problem.  Have you suggested a trail of a year or 2 or 3 where you would like to live to see how it goes?  You have valid reasons for wanting to move and a compromise may work for you both.  Since he can work remotely, this could work.

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This comes across like more than just where to live but like you are already pushing for marital commitment and I suspect the reason he is pumping the brakes on this. It's not that he isn't willing to move as he already told you that he can work remotely and his company would support it, it's more that he isn't quite on the same pace as you about your relationship. I think you need to back off a bit here and just give him some time to catch up to you. 18 months is really a short time for major life decisions.

That said, if you can't wait because of money and health, then you need to take care of you and if that means moving and leaving him behind so be it. Either he'll follow or he won't. 

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This type of commitment is not to be taken lightly.  Add in the additional factors with your current health and money issues, I can understand his need to take his time making this decision. 

He also is committing to stay in the area and give up any option to return to another country.

That's a lot to ask from someone.  

Marriage is about compromise.  It appears he'll be doing all the compromising.

Edited by reinventmyself
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I am painfully aware that asking him to simply uproot his life and move back home with me could be seen as a one sided option, equally uncompromising as if he asked me to stay in this place I'd now rather not be. I don't want to do that to him. I don't want us to move and have him resent me or our relationship. I want him to be happy. It seems an uncomfortable bind that I do not know how to fix but I want to talk with him, I just don't know how or where to begin.  

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19 minutes ago, Cyclinggirl27 said:

I am painfully aware that asking him to simply uproot his life and move back home with me could be seen as a one sided option, equally uncompromising as if he asked me to stay in this place I'd now rather not be. I don't want to do that to him. I don't want us to move and have him resent me or our relationship. I want him to be happy. It seems an uncomfortable bind that I do not know how to fix but I want to talk with him, I just don't know how or where to begin.  

But you have talked to him already and he didn't really say no completely. He is being indecisive, because he is not ready to make that kind of a commitment to your relationship YET. So can you calm down and let him process things for a few more months? Don't keep nagging and beating a dead horse.

Again, if you can't give him more time to decide what he wants to do, then YOU will have to make the best decisions strictly for yourself.

You seem laser focused on moving and ignoring the bigger picture entirely. 

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1 hour ago, Cyclinggirl27 said:

However, over the past 6 months I have had health and money issues that have made me seriously reconsider building a life in this country long term.

He has a good job here and his father lives nearby. My partner is very indecisive about where he wants to be and admits that he "doesn't know" 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he's not "undecided", he just doesn't want to tell you he's not on board with what you want.

There's nothing to navigate or negotiate here. Sadly this is the fork in the road.

 You'll have to go back to your home country and take care of your financial and health issues.

He simply does not see a future with you. Especially one you are vehemently trying to steer your way for your own reasons.

 You seem to be rehearsing building an argument. You're using "trajectory", your health, your finances, everything. 

If you waste more time there with "no one" it's on you. Talk to your family and make your arrangements to go back home. 

If he changes his mind, he'll join you.

Edited by Wiseman2
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He is saying he doesn't know because the answer is really no. 

I think you should pursue what is best for you, your health and business. Make your decison and if he didn't follow you, then let him go.

There is no navigating. You want one thing and want him to want that, too.  however, he doesn't. 

You're making life decisions but you're not married and you don't want the same things.

He doesn't have to compromise and neither do you. 

But there's no way I'd put my plans on hold for someone that has not committed his life to mine.

If you want to be a wife, don't act like one, unless you are one or at least engaged. 

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What are your marriage plans -timing - etc -if any?  What are each of your views on forever/marriage/long term commitment? I relocated for my husband but knew the day we got back together, having dated in the past, that I very likely would be the one relocating.  I'd never have felt it fair to go back on that promise.  And, I didn't.

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I agree with the above.

You have already brought this up with him and you know where he stands with this idea. Sounds like he is comfortable where he is now.

So, you leave it alone.  No pressures.

Thing is, can you handle it here? Sounds like you do not want to remain.  Plus, is too soon, as mentioned, especially for him to look into such a large plan. ( moving countries).

I suggest you take some time and consider, if this is what you are truly willing to accept..or not?

 

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I wouldn't be able to live with that indecisiveness. He should know. Otherwise, he's not being completely honest with you or verbalizing what he wants (lack of proper communication). You deserve to know. Not some wishy washy "maybe, maybe not" or the great "I don't know". 

What you can do is make up your mind about whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who can't communicate well enough or verbalize what he wants or what he sees for your future. You've been dating now now for a year and a half. 

Make a decision that best fits your goals and lifestyle and don't look back. The right person will join you for the journey. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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4 hours ago, Cyclinggirl27 said:

 he is unsure of where he wants to settle. He has a good job here and his father lives nearby. I have no-one but him and his father here.

Give it another year. It's way too soon to know right now.

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