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 I have a little issue I’ve been thinking about getting back with my ex and we have been talking for a couple weeks now, we had ended our toxic relationship about 2 years ago. My family found out about what went on and was glad I had moved on. I recently Spoke to my mother about getting back with him but she can not get the idea of me giving him a last chance. He wants to demonstrate to my family that he has changed and wants to fully commit and takes things to the next level but my mother will not support me, btw what do you suggest.

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2 hours ago, Mada said:

, we had ended our toxic relationship about 2 years ago.

. I recently Spoke to my mother about getting back with him but she can not get the idea of me giving him a last chance. 

Did he contact you or did you contact him?

Whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own agenda. They just got dumped, they're having a dry spell, they're in between relationships,etc.

Are you doing this out of boredom? Loneliness? Rebellion?

You describe this as "toxic" and you discuss your dating life with your mother?

Unfortunately it seems like all the wrong reasons to talk to someone.

Leave the past in the past.

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7 hours ago, Mada said:

My family found out about what went on and was glad I had moved on. I recently Spoke to my mother about getting back with him but she can not get the idea of me giving him a last chance. He wants to demonstrate to my family that he has changed and wants to fully commit and takes things to the next level

As others have said... this, with him was Toxic.

Often, when a couple tries again, it fails- as things are not as strong as before, the hard feelings from before and  just too much damage 😕 

What has he done to 'change/improve'? - how long were you together? I am guessing was long term?

Something like this, you really need to take slowly! You two have only been talking a couple of weeks... that's nothing.

He'd have to be proving a lot - in order to be accepted as fine.

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Unless the two of you have forensically dissected what went wrong and what efforts were made to address the issues and create solid change, I wouldn't do it.

I've done the same, more than once and repeated the same dance over and over.  There's the initial honeymoon, where you are both on good behaviour and then the old bad habits come rushing back.

Listen to your Mother and any other outside advise.  They are more objective than you are.

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9 hours ago, Mada said:

 I have a little issue I’ve been thinking about getting back with my ex and we have been talking for a couple weeks now, we had ended our toxic relationship about 2 years ago. My family found out about what went on and was glad I had moved on. I recently Spoke to my mother about getting back with him but she can not get the idea of me giving him a last chance. He wants to demonstrate to my family that he has changed and wants to fully commit and takes things to the next level but my mother will not support me, btw what do you suggest.

This seems very intense and has warning signs all over it. What do you mean "he wants to demonstrate" and "fully commit" or "take things to the next level"? 

Are these words he's saying to you? It sounds contrived, trite in its intensity and would make a lot of people uncomfortable. I'm sure your mother recognizes this. 

Be cautious around this person if he's telling you these things. Don't lap everything up lock, stock and barrel. If he wants to come back into your life take things very slowly and bit by bit. I don't recommend it if he's coming on this strong this early. 

 

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Posted (edited)

I honestly was not even planning on seeing him ever again but I remained friends, were been in contact yes I have been spending some time with him which makes me feel good, my mother wants me to date other men. I do want to be with him and I’ve him one chance knowing that my mom would be devastated. 
I want to Believe he has changed his old habits. Should I give him a chance to Show actions?

Edited by Mada
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11 minutes ago, Mada said:

He would manipulate me and try to control me, he was also jealous. 

And why do you want to go back to that?  Because he said he won't do those things anymore?

What has he done to work on eliminating his manipulative and controlling behaviors?  Therapy?

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He hasn’t because I have not gotten back with him just yet, my mom does not trust him whatsoever, He says his different now and wants to talk to my mom. He says he appreciates life much more Than before.

I did not see myself with him anymore, si started to open up and spend time with him as my love started growing again for him and that’s why I’m struggling now. 

do you think giving him a second chance is a mistake? 

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Since he has done nothing about changing his behavior other than telling you he's "different now", I think you'd be taking a big chance that things will be exactly as they were before after a brief "honeymoon period".

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2 hours ago, Mada said:

, He says his different 

Read up on abusive relationships. Google "cycle of violence".

It's unclear why you want an abuser back in your life.

Are you unhappy at home?

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5 hours ago, Mada said:

He would manipulate me and try to control me, he was also jealous. 

OP, this will never change. Ever. This is who he is. This is in his make-up. His real character.  He cannot change who he really is. What you see is what you get and don't for one moment believe he has changed.  If you're happy living in a toxic and dysfunctional relationship, then sure, go ahead, but be prepared for a very miserable life. Choice is yours.

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6 hours ago, Mada said:

Yes I do have issues at home 😏 

 

Ok. Cutting off your nose to spite your face won't help that.

You may upset your mother with the news that this abuser is back, but is defying her worth it?

If you have trouble at home, talk to trusted adults about it. A doctor, a teacher, a relative, etc.

This creep knows you're vulnerable because you tell him about how much you hate it at home.

However going from one toxic situation to another will deepen your problems.

This guy is not your prince charming who's going to rescue you. That's an act to hook you back in to being his own personal punching bag.

Call some hotlines in your area if things are bad at home.

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22 hours ago, Mada said:

I want to Believe he has changed his old habits. Should I give him a chance to Show actions?

If you feel the need to ask others, the answer would be "no", (imo).  I think you know the odds are against you, in spite of what you "want to believe."

On the other hand, may I ask why you chose to remain friends after the break up?  

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15 hours ago, Mada said:

Yes I do have issues at home 😏 

 

This guy is not your rescuer or the answer to your home issues. You'd be trading one issue for another one.

If you're unhappy at home can you move into your own place or into a shared house or apartment? That was you won't be looking to a manipulative, controlling and jealous man to get you out of your unhappy home situation.

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People who are controlling, abusive and jealous are this way due to very complex and historical reasons.  It isn't something that is just wished away.  It is part of their character.

I have dating them and married one.  Based on my personal experiences these men need professional help to overcome these issues.   I've heard all the promises and believed them once or twice myself. 

Everything smells good in the beginning because they are able to hide it for a period of time before it rears it's ugly head all over again.  In the meantime you walk on eggshells so as to not upset him.

The only reason you would consider returning is he if had committed to therapy for a period of time, worked through how he got this way and what measures has he taken to fix it.

Personally, I would never return to someone who showed me these characteristics. 

 

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I advise against it. I personally would never get back with an ex. 

 

What did you guys break up over? Is this issue resolved? What is the end goal? Marriage? You guys have already lived without each other for two years now, you've established that youre both able to/willing to give up on the relationship. Did you guys date other people during that time? Sometimes when people get back together they consider it as a continuation of their previous attempt at a relationship, if you saw other people during the break up these people could resurface and cause issues. 

 

I mean yeah... it probably feels nice to talk to each other again and it might feel nice in the beginning of reuniting but what happens when the honeymoon stage is over? What happens if you and him have an argument about something and it triggers old feelings/Past hurts from your previous attempt at having a relationship? 

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