Need some help from those who are stepparents

[indea08]

6 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

But if your son was 8... and your partner (not your husband, but someone not related to your son) started constantly being sarcastic to him, then threatening him to leave him in a dangerous neighborhood, abandoning him... and you walked in and saw he was, "beside himself," what would you really do?

This is literally painting an isolated incident in the worst light possible. This hasn’t been constant....and I’ve sarcastically threatened my daughter sooooo many times, she’s 7, and she just rolls her eyes at me and tells me I’m joking. It would not be easy for me to just turn off my sarcastic humor for someone, I’m certain I would slip up. That does not make me abusive, and frankly, that word is thrown around so loosely anymore that it’s honestly lost it’s “weight”. This is not abuse. This is an imperfect human, as we all are, who said something she shouldn’t have, as we all have.

[Cheetarah]

3 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

But if your son was 8... and your partner (not your husband, but someone not related to your son) started constantly being sarcastic to him, then threatening him to leave him in a dangerous neighborhood, abandoning him... and you walked in and saw he was, "beside himself," what would you really do?

If I’ve painted her out to be an a hole, that was my frustration speaking, not the reality.  I came here for help getting grounded.  Which I have gotten!  If I thought she was a douche I would leave.  
 

I did say she is good with kids, is generally patient, warm and fun.  That includes with my baby, too.  It’s the last couple months where things have been off.  And upon reflecting on some of the things that have been brought up here, I can see why she seems disconnected.  

[maritalbliss86]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I don’t think this is a constant thing. I do think I would be angry about that statement from anyone his father included. 
Like I said this is something that can be recovered because her partner is willing to learn and she is a generally warm and loving person. 

Hopefully... I think she should at the very least, start writing these interactions down.  That way she can have a clear, non-biased track record of the abusive interactions, and be able to tell if they're escalating over-time.

That's what social workers use to help people open their eyes to what is happening, they use a line of progression drawn out that shows where the person is. 

I asked my husband last night where this lady was, and he literally pointed out her position on that timeline of abuse.

[maritalbliss86]

Here is a website explaining what emotional abuse looks like with children https://www.verywellfamily.com/what-is-emotional-child-abuse-4157502

Quote

Emotional child abuse can take several forms. At one end of the spectrum are insults or belittling words or actions, while the other end can be total indifference that causes emotional deprivation. A caregiver who is emotionally abusive often uses words, but their actions also can be abusive—and sometimes, it's a lack of action that is abusive.

When a parent or caregiver doesn't show a child love or make them feel wanted, secure, and worthy, these actions result in emotional deprivation. People who are abusive also may withhold physical affection or loving touch—both of which are essential to a child's emotional development.

Sarcasm, especially when he can't understand it, falls into using belittling words or insulting him.  

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Here is a website explaining what emotional abuse looks like with children https://www.verywellfamily.com/what-is-emotional-child-abuse-4157502

Sarcasm, especially when he can't understand it, falls into using belittling words or insulting him.  

I still don’t think this is a constant or consistent in their interaction. I think she is worn out and snapped without thinking. Every single parent on the planet has done that. 
 

This is a  last few months thing that happened a few times because someone is worn out not an abuser set up to constantly hurt him. 
 

Like all of us they need to return to normal life. 

[indea08]

Just now, maritalbliss86 said:

Here is a website explaining what emotional abuse looks like with children https://www.verywellfamily.com/what-is-emotional-child-abuse-4157502

Sarcasm, especially when he can't understand it, falls into using belittling words or insulting him.  

Resorting to sarcasm every time he acts out as a way to hush him up would be one thing. Resorting to sarcasm on the rare occasion that you’re overwhelmed, frustrated, or worn out...or accidentally because it’s a natural part of who you are, is just part of being human and making a mistake. If you want to track every mistake a person makes to label them abusive, then pretty much everyone in my life is abusive.
 

We ALL make mistakes. We have to give each other permission to fall short, extend the benefit of the doubt. This is not an issue to label someone over, especially not a label like that.

[maritalbliss86]

Last time I'll post... hopefully at least she writes this and the past incidents down for future reference...

 

Types of Child Psychological Abuse from https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/child-psychological-abuse/what-is-psychological-abuse-of-a-child

Psychological abuse of a child is often divided into nine categories:

1.  Rejection: to reject a child, to push him away, to make him feel that he is useless or worthless, to undermine the value of his ideas or feelings, to refuse to help him.

2.  Scorn: to demean the child, to ridicule him, to humiliate him, to cause him to be ashamed, to criticize the child, to insult him.

3.  Terrorism: to threaten a child or someone who is dear to him with physical violence, abandonment or death, to threaten to destroy the child's possessions, to place him in chaotic or dangerous situations, to define strict and unreasonable expectations and to threaten him with punishment if he does not comply.

4.  Isolation: to physically or socially isolate a child, to limit his opportunities to socialize with others.

5.  Corruption or exploitation: to tolerate or encourage inappropriate or deviant behavior, to expose the child to antisocial role-models, to consider the child as a servant, to encourage him or coerce him to participate in sexual activities.

6.  The absence of emotional response: to show oneself as inattentive or indifferent towards the child, to ignore his emotional needs, to avoid visual contact, kisses or verbal communication with him, to never congratulate him.

Neglect: to ignore the health or educational needs of the child, to refuse or to neglect to apply the required treatment. (See: What is Child Neglect?)

7.  Exposure to domestic violence: to expose a child to violent words and acts between his parents.

The behavior of an emotionally abusive parent or caregiver does not support a child's healthy development and well-being-instead, it creates an environment of fear, hostility, or anxiety. A child is sensitive to the feeling, opinions, and actions of his or her parents.

8.  Showing a lack of regard for the child

This behavior often includes rejecting the child by:

Not showing affection.

Ignoring the child's presence and obvious needs.

Ignoring the child when he or she is in need of comfort.

Not calling the child by his or her name.

9.  Saying unkind things to the child

Emotionally abusive parents say things or convey feelings that can hurt a child deeply. Common examples include:

Making the child feel unwanted, perhaps by stating or implying that life would be easier without the child. For example, a parent may tell a child, "I wish you were never born."

Ridiculing or belittling the child, such as saying, "You are stupid."

Threatening the child with harsh punishment or even death.

Continuous verbal abuse..

***

Overall, there were many points on this website her partner his checking off that I tried to bold.  That is quite a lot of behaviors she'd have to work on, she's hitting 4 out of 9.  I get it she may be overwhelmed, but it's the adult's responsibility to parent in a mature way and not resort to these immature behaviors.

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

So this is a lot for someone to take on.

I think that helping to raise another person's child is a lot for anyone to take on, special needs or not. You're automatically putting yourself in a secondary position in the relationship.

This is something that I had to contemplate in my mid-to-late 20s. Being in a serious relationship with a guy that had 3 kids, I found myself looking at a situation where I would suddenly have a lot of responsibility for the children's safety and wellbeing, but very little power over the rules and decisions that were made about their lives.

And no matter how much he said that it wouldn't be that way, I knew that it would. Even if he didn't put me in that trap, the kids' mom would have. That's just the reflex of parents: I'm the parent, I'm in charge where my kids are concerned. 

It's pointless to argue with that logic, and I ultimately rejected the situation. Cheetarah's girlfriend, on the other hand, has embraced the situation more than once. She knows the routine. But I'm sure she still gets worn out and tired. That's what I think it probably is: burn out. Possibly even strain in the adult relationship carrying over.

[Cheetarah]

5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

 

It's pointless to argue with that logic, and I ultimately rejected the situation. Cheetarah's girlfriend, on the other hand, has embraced the situation more than once. She knows the routine. But I'm sure she still gets worn out and tired. That's what I think it probably is: burn out. Possibly even strain in the adult relationship carrying over.

I even get burned out by my own kid.  Kids are a lot of work.  We’re both trying to balance various parts of our lives.  She’s certainly entitled to feel that and do what she needs to recharge; we talked about that last night.  
 

We have been trying to work on feeling “coupley” again.  Even prior to the pandemic, she had a major surgery with a 5 month recovery time.  Then as soon as she was back to work, here comes corona.  There hasn’t been a lot of down time.  

[Jibralta]

Just based on your past posts, it sounds like the pandemic has hit you both pretty hard. I don't know her of course, but from what you've shared about her, I think she is probably lashing out because she feels overwhelmed. Whether it's from work, relationship stress, surgery recovery, your son, the pandemic, or all of the above, I don't know. I'm not justifying her behavior, either. I just think it's worth exploring the issue more from her perspective.

[tattoobunnie]

Speaking as a sarcastic parent with a kid who just turned 9 with ADHD and an Adjustment Disorder brought on from the pandemic where any small issue can have him laying on the floor crying in the fetal position, you cannot be a perfect parent or step parent or say the right things 24/7 when you are at your limit even when you love the kid so much you would kill a bear for them.  I think you are looking for ways to take out your stress onto her.

Me and dad love our kid soooooooooo much, and we say stupid sh*t all the time because it's fricken hard. Whether with atypical or neurotypical kids, it's hard.

You need to think - does she do what she can when you can?  Has she been there all the other times? It's not just you and him that have to deal with pandemic stress.  I would cut her some slack.  And btw, if she gets to medicate him, she should also get a say in how to parent him.  If you don't agree, then you should medicate each time.

[DancingFool]

If he is putting up a fight or being difficult over taking meds, then unfortunately, I think this task should be falling on your shoulders to handle, including whatever necessary discipline has to happen as you see fit as a parent. On that note, I think your SO is correct to want to step back from this and tell you that this is not something she wants to handle going forward and imo she shouldn't be handling or even be expected to.

It might have worked before, but as you note yourself, he is getting older and is also prepubescent and that's adding a whole new layer of difficulties and complications to the situation that will take adjustment and be a learning curve for all of you. That means adapting and being open to making changes in your routines and who does what and how. I'm sure there are other ways she can spend time and bond with him while alleviating you for awhile that may be easier and less contentious on all of you combined.

 

[indea08]

1 minute ago, DancingFool said:

If he is putting up a fight or being difficult over taking meds, then unfortunately, I think this task should be falling on your shoulders to handle, including whatever necessary discipline has to happen as you see fit as a parent. On that note, I think your SO is correct to want to step back from this and tell you that this is not something she wants to handle going forward and imo she shouldn't be handling or even be expected to.

It might have worked before, but as you note yourself, he is getting older and is also prepubescent and that's adding a whole new layer of difficulties and complications to the situation that will take adjustment and be a learning curve for all of you. That means adapting and being open to making changes in your routines and who does what and how. I'm sure there are other ways she can spend time and bond with him while alleviating you for awhile that may be easier and less contentious on all of you combined.

 

I actually hadn’t really thought much about this angle, but I agree. This is a great point.

[Seraphim]

I will also say puberty was fun, not. Hormones I found brought out aggressive behaviour at times not towards me but towards his father who was then back in his life at an everyday capacity rather than away with the military. He didn’t challenge my authority a lot but totally balked at his father’s. Once he got to be older about 19 ish he calmed down. 

[maritalbliss86]

8 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

If he is putting up a fight or being difficult over taking meds, then unfortunately, I think this task should be falling on your shoulders to handle, including whatever necessary discipline has to happen as you see fit as a parent. On that note, I think your SO is correct to want to step back from this and tell you that this is not something she wants to handle going forward and imo she shouldn't be handling or even be expected to.

 

I agree that a step-parent shouldn't be trying to handle those kinds of interactions alone. 

But what about how the OP wants to go back to work, is thinking about an evening/night shift, and will leave her child in her partner's care, for hours to do the bedtime routine etc.?  Would this entail her needing to (again) do this job of night meds?

Many autistics have sleep problems where they make noise late at night, run around their bedrooms, and generally are insomniacs at night, and the parents have to work around that.

Maybe her son doesn't have these problems, but in the future, especially as a teenager, he may develop them. 

Being with a partner that can't handle her son (in general) will dramatically impact her ability to live life if she needs them to watch him for extended periods of time so she can work, etc.

 

 

[maritalbliss86]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

but towards his father who was then back in his life at an everyday capacity rather than away with the military. He didn’t challenge my authority a lot but totally balked at his father’s.

A friend of mine who is in her 50's has an autistic daughter who had severe sleep problems during her teen years.  

She was blessed to have a step-dad who was GREAT with her, and was there without complaint and helped both of them (mom and daughter) sooo much by being able to handle that kind of night stress.

The kind of partner you pick impacts you and your kids.  Their ability to handle autism, and all the anger, rage, and sleepless nights that go with it, is necessary.

[Seraphim]

17 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

A friend of mine who is in her 50's has an autistic daughter who had severe sleep problems during her teen years.  

She was blessed to have a step-dad who was GREAT with her, and was there without complaint and helped both of them (mom and daughter) sooo much by being able to handle that kind of night stress.

The kind of partner you pick impacts you and your kids.  Their ability to handle autism, and all the anger, rage, and sleepless nights that go with it, is necessary.

I have know cheetarah a long time since before her son was born. I am not afraid she is putting her child in danger . I know all she done to protect and support her child. I have no fear should her partner become abusive she will leave. But I don’t think this is the issue. 
 

My own child has had sleep issues since the first day of life and hers has as well. Though my son’s have calmed with age and he no longer sleep walks. 

[DancingFool]

Just now, maritalbliss86 said:

I agree that a step-parent shouldn't be trying to handle those kinds of interactions alone. 

But what about how the OP wants to go back to work, is thinking about an evening/night shift, and will leave her child in her partner's care, for hours to do the bedtime routine etc.?  Would this entail her needing to (again) do this job of night meds?

Many autistics have sleep problems where they make noise late at night, run around their bedrooms, and generally are insomniacs at night, and the parents have to work around that.

Maybe her son doesn't have these problems, but in the future, especially as a teenager, he may develop them. 

Being with a partner that can't handle her son (in general) will dramatically impact her ability to live life if she needs them to watch him for extended periods of time so she can work, etc.

 

 

Having a partner to alleviate some of the responsibilities is nice, but not an entitlement. I very much doubt that OP is in a relationship so she can have help parenting. That's her job and one she has always handled well regardless of her relationship status or situation and she has dealt with some hard times with that and still been fine.

Most step parents do not in fact step into the shoes of parenting regardless nor should they be expected to, especially so when it comes to handling growing pains, tantrums, teenage issues, discipline, and so on. That is strictly a burden that falls on the shoulders of parents or in this case, parent.

I think it might be helpful to look at a step parent as more of a fun aunt/uncle - there to take the kids for an ice cream while you get your hair done and relax for a bit, but not there for the heavy issues that are really on the parent to decide and manage because they are the parent.

I don't see anywhere, where the OP is suggesting that her partner is generally unable to help out or is incompetent. You seem very determined to paint her partner black without any real reason.

[maritalbliss86]

3 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

I think it might be helpful to look at a step parent as more of a fun aunt/uncle - there to take the kids for an ice cream while you get your hair done and relax for a bit, but not there for the heavy issues that are really on the parent to decide and manage because they are the parent.

I thought she was thinking about working an evening/overnight type of job?  That is where my concern was and tied in with your assertion of step-parent responsibilities.

It's not an entitlement, but more of a freedom to be able to trust one's partner.  (Or economic freedom to work a night shift so she's not so dependent financially on a partner.)

[maritalbliss86]

14 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Having a partner to alleviate some of the responsibilities is nice, but not an entitlement.

I think... when one has a child with a disability, the rules of engagement may be a little different than when everything is more normal and regular.

Autistic teens have violent episodes... against the step-parent, and the step-parent is often forced to engage with the child/teen.

It's just completely different from having a neurotypical child... like world's apart different... day and then also night-time stressors.

So... with all of that above in mind, having a partner to alleviate that, or who is capable of mentally handling that kind of day and night stress... it's not just, "nice," it's almost crucial to the survival of the marriage/relationship.

If she's able to handle that, then that's great and wonderful.  

[Seraphim]

Not every Autistic is violent. That is a mischaracterization . Mine definitely is not . He is gentle as can be unless someone is violent with him first, and I think that stands for most people . 

[Cheetarah]

Oh boy.  Okay, my son does indeed have trouble falling and staying asleep.  This is what one of the medications are for.  And probably one of the reasons he doesn’t like it!  He does not wander around in the night attacking people, lol...Worst case scenario, he comes downstairs and sleeps on the couch to be closer to people or he wakes me up - which is rare.  

Yes, indeed I am taking back “med duty”.  It used to work well for them, they would make a game out of it with timers.   That’s not working right now.  We talked about it and think maybe he needs to feel more autonomous.  So I ordered an individual cool looking pill holder so I can dole out the evening medication and just hand him that each night  - he can take it himself instead of waiting for someone to dink around with big bottles of gummy vitamins and other meds. I also ordered a toothbrush with a timer on it.  Just some things to change it a little because this routine has gotten stale for him.  
 

I have no fears about leaving her to do this routine again if need be, so I can work.  That’s unlikely because the bedtime routine starts earlier as it takes him a long time to wind down. But he does put himself to bed.  Nor do I have any fears about what he might do in the middle of the night or how she would handle it.  
 

As I said in my first post, I am deferred to for consequences.  There are some standard things that she will do but it’s because it’s “mom’s rule”.  That’s what behaviors and other things will get “well, what would mom tell you to do?  What would mom say about your Xbox?”  etc.  This is a role she is most comfortable in, reinforcing the ground rules I lay.  
 

I don’t know why you want to paint her in the way you have, marital.  I am admittedly even ultra sensitive to what might be an abusive behavior.  So much so that it was pertinent I be single for as long as I was in order to “unlearn” some things and then relearn how to make room for human error without thinking it was something catastrophic.  
 

 

[maritalbliss86]

4 hours ago, Cheetarah said:

I don’t know why you want to paint her in the way you have, marital.

When you explain more about her, it doesn't sound as bad as the initial post (to me) did.  Maybe it's just the way I read it.  You referred to this not being the first time with the way she spoke to him... the disengaging with him... then added what she actually said in that one instance of threatening to put him in a dangerous environment as punishment, I don't know?  To me, it sounded extremely bad.  I even asked my husband and he pointed out to me where she was on the scale of abuse progression (and with what you revealed at that time, or what I zeroed in on, it was not at the beginning but a little out from there).  People have different opinions, I wouldn't tolerate a step-parent who was sarcastic with my children... making threats to abandon them in a dangerous environment, it's just my opinion.  It would cause a lot of fights where I'd become like a Tiger Mom, defending my kids.  It just wouldn't work for me personally.  But it works for you, and that's ok.

I hope you both can work it out, step-parenting is incredibly hard anyway, from what I've heard and seen... I do think it's harder when a child has a disability that may cause certain behaviors to escalate.  But again, if she's able to overcome it and change, that's great.  Good luck!

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I will say I am heavily sarcastic and have been my entire life . My father’s family are extremely sarcastic. I do use sarcasm with my own son but he gets it for the most part. If he doesn’t I further explain. I don’t think I abused my child. That is my humour style and I have a very “ English “ sense of humour as my father’s family is British. 

Same - definitely used well meaning sarcasm when I was growing up (my son gets it less but he knows we love him and we're teasing).  my mom used to say "I'll beat you with a wet noodle" (because a wet noodle can't hurt of course) and when the phone rang -the landline - sometimes she'd say - "oh please tell my LOVER I'll call him back".  She would never have physically punished us and she was very happily married to my dad - her eyes twinkled, she loved poking fun.  Never ever a sign of abuse.  It depends on what the sarcasm is, the relationship between the two people, and the intention - if sarcasm is your thing, and both people know it's not veiled hostility, it's just - fun! 

OP - she doesn't need to bond with him over anything in particular - being close to a child can involve that, need not involve that at all.  She shouldn't use sarcasm that she knows -as the adult- he likely won't get and might get concerned about.  Please don't have her do the bedtime routine or meds.  Find something else she can do with him to give you a break -read a book? Play a game/do a puzzle? 38 hours a week isn't the point -if her job is stressful it might feel like 100 hours a week  You know that full well as the full time parent - some days fly by and some you're counting the minute till bed time.  

She's not his parent and she hasn't adopted him.  As a stepparent her role is pretty fluid.  If she were the bio or adoptive parent then yes the traditional division of responsibilities kicks in.  Can you hire a covid safe teenager to hang with your son a few hours a day, a few days a week? All the best to you.

[Jibralta]

Sarcasm is the primary language in New Jersey. English is the second language. Spanish is probably third, but there might be others.