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Passive aggressive girlfriend who won't be held accountable


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My girlfriend and I got into a rather heated argument over something simple that she refuses to take responsibility for.

Just a little background:

I have struggled with major depression and anxiety since I was in middle school (I am now 23)

We've known each other for over 6 years; dated briefly in high school and for about the past year

She knows I am good at hiding my feelings, but that I've been trying to share much more recently so she isn't confused or think it's her fault

She is very passive aggressive sometimes and has told me it's something she's been working on all her life

She knows I have been suicidal a couple times in my life (only after the fact since we grew apart)

I told her during fall that my depression gets much worse with shorter days and I understood if it could be too much for her to deal with on top of school

So one evening (late March) I had her and some friends over to hangout in my basement. While I was setting up the ping pong table with a friend, she was talking obnoxiously loud about wanting to move out of her parents house, but that she would need a roommate (something she's told me a few times) hoping I would offer to get an apartment with her I assume. When we rejoined the group she was started telling us what they had been talking about while we set up and I laughed saying "yeah we could pretty much hear everything you guys were saying". This clearly struck a nerve because she was quiet and grumpy the rest of the night and didn't want to be next to me when we were playing games.

When we went up to bed she was still being cold and almost ignoring me, but I always try to stay positive when she's acting like that to hopefully put her in a better mood or just so she sees that she doesn't have a good reason for being so upset. But when I got into bed and tried to cuddle her she was so still I thought she may have fallen asleep. I was sad, but turned over to lay on my back. Within seconds she asked if I wanted her to spoon me (I love being little spoon). I responded, crying a little, with "I don't care". She was surprised by this and got defensive when I said I felt like she had been ignoring me, but I didn't understand why. She refused to admit that she was doing anything I said I thought she was and if she did seem off it wasn't at all intentional. I said "okay, but there's no way that was all in my head". We were both crying a bit (I NEVER cry, but she does almost every day) until I went to the bathroom to blow my nose and came back to go to sleep. She asked if I was really going to sleep after the argument (guilt trip) and I told her I didn't have it in me mentally or emotionally to fight anymore.

In the morning I woke and sat up to see her, dressed and putting her things in her backpack since she had work. When she saw me looking over she asked "what"? She said it almost with disgust. I laid back down for maybe 5-10 seconds and then got up to put shoes on so I could walk her out and to her car (which I always do). She said I could stay so I kicked off my shoes and got back into bed and she continues to make argumentative remarks. We went in circles a bit: Me asking why she couldn't just admit that she'd been acting different and her asking why we had to fight and why it had to be someone's fault. She didn't leave until after several minutes of us both arguing and crying about the situation.

These are messages we've sent since then. Please tell me I'm not crazy for feeling emotionally manipulated. I've been in a pretty dark place the past few months (which she knows), but I don't think this could be all in my head.

ME: I figured I should wait until you were definitely done with work but there’s some things I really need to hear. I never think you’re doing or saying something to purposely upset me but you do a lot.

Every apology is backhanded and makes me feel guilty or crazy.

“I’m sorry it seemed that way, I really wasn’t upset” - nick even asked when we were leaving if you were upset or something. I tried to joke while getting ready for bed but you barely laughed and didn’t say anything between us going upstairs and after I tried to cuddle and you didn’t respond so I rolled over and you finally said something.

“You can stay in bed” so I go back to bed... “it didn’t seem like you wanted to get up anyway” why say something like that if not to make me feel bad?

I don’t remember waking up at all when you’re alarm went off and I honestly don’t know if you completely made that up. I don’t feel like I can really trust what you say anymore :( it broke my heart when I woke up from the sound of your bong or shoes and sat up to look at you and you just said “what?” In such a nasty tone. I felt sick

“I’m sorry that my not responding in the same way I do usually made you think I was upset” CAN YOU FOR ONCE PLEASE JUST SAY “I’m sorry I wasn’t responding in the way I usually do, I understand why that would make you upset or confused” - it’s ridiculous that our arguments usually get to this point over something so minuscule simply out of stubbornness. If I let it go EVERY time though I’d literally go insane.

“I’m sorry . I can’t always tell when your sad because you don’t tell me”

That actually hurt really bad because I’ve been trying so hard to be more open with you about my feelings and it never feels like enough. I feel like if I told you how I felt more often we would have way more arguments like this. You always make me feel guilty for how I’m feeling (even if you don’t mean to).

Anytime I make a valid point you completely change the subject or start crying and saying “I’m sorry because I love you more than anything in the world and you’re the last person I want to argue with”. You responded that way to what I said more than a couple times (basically anytime you ran out of good explanations). There’s absolutely no acknowledgement of what I said making sense. You just become the victim. It feels like a manipulative and psychologically abusive relationship more often than I’d like to admit.

You always deny or have some excuse for your behavior but only after I point out that you’re acting weird. I’m done ignoring that behavior and pretending I don’t notice because I can’t deal with it anymore. Please don’t ever use your love for me to justify some endless argument over something that you should be able to apologize for. It’s like you’re implying when I don’t want to argue (about something you could easily just say sorry for), that it’s because I don’t love you enough to. It feels like you don’t even believe me when I tell you how I feel because you continue to make every situation about you and how you’re feeling. Do you not believe me because you exaggerate or lie about how you feel? Because I am always so confused by your responses to things I tell you.

I’ve told you SO MANY TIMES over the past like year that I don’t feel like have the mental or emotional capacity for a relationship, which is why I haven’t been in one for over 5 years. But you still hold me to these expectations and when I don’t meet them you somehow always make me feel like garbage. I don’t think it’s intentional but it makes me feel that way regardless, which isn’t healthy. I don’t want and really don’t have the mentality for some long argument back please. You can send one of you want but I need a real break.

ME (5 days later) : So I guess I won’t be hearing anything at all back from you :/that’s pretty disheartening 😔 Hope you’ve been alright

HER: Honestly i was processing all that you said and didn’t want to continue to argue with you. you also said you needed a real break so i didn’t even know if i should text you yet. It was just a lot to process on top of trying to give you space. i guess i was waiting to hear from you first

ME: I guess I just thought you’d say something or maybe just check in since I’ve been in a pretty horrible and hopeless state of mind. I just said I needed a break from arguing. But you’ve still yet to ask how I’ve been doing.

ME (7 hours later): You say you care but I don’t know how you don’t see why it doesn’t feel like you do yo me 😔

HER: no i can see why it doesn’t feel that why and i’m sorry. i don’t want it to seem like i’m making excuses but i really did need some time to process and reflect. it was a lot to take in and i really couldn’t fight anymore either. i’m sorry for everything. i’m really really sorry

ME: I’m sorry too. What I said was a lot but I really needed to say it.

Any chance you’re awake?

HER: yeah but i’m tired. why, what's up?

ME: It's ok then

HER: no tell me.

please tell me

ME: I feel like an inconvenience and there’s nothing to really tell so it’s ok

HER: you’re not an inconvenience and whatever it’s about isn’t an inconvenience

Are you okay? Do you want to facetime?

ME: I appreciate you asking but it is really ok. Not doing the greatest but your messages made me feel better

HER: it’s not okay. just because i’m tired doesn’t mean i don’t care or that whatever’s going on is an inconvenience to me. like can i help? do you want to ft? do you want me to come over like can i do anything? like i'm worried

ME: I promise I’m ok! I’ll be going to bed soon 😘

Thank you though <3

HER: i’m glad you’re okay but i’m still worried

ME: I’m sorry 😞 What can I do so you don’t worry? promise im feeling better and will probably go to sleep very soon 😘

HER: there’s nothing you can do to make me not worry. i care about you & you said you’ve been in a horrible and helpless state of mind, just gonna worry even if you say you’re okay right now

ME: I’ve been in the state of mind most nights the past 2 months 😔 I promise I’m feeling better and I'm sure I’ll be much better in the morning

HER: so then can you text me when you wake up? even if it’s just “hey i’m okay” and then you don’t have text until you wanna talk or you have the energy to talk but it’s really hard when you say something like that and then i don’t hear from you until really late the next day

ME: Im sorry :( that does make sense. I’ll text you when I get up tomorrow :)

I'm awake :) What are you doing today?

HER: there’s been a lot happening in my family that i need to deal with so nothing. hanging with sam and possibly watching the game later

ME: Aw I hope everything’s ok :( Hopefully shopping with sam is relaxing

HER: yeah everyone’s back at my house so it’s really not haha but we’ll see

ME: How are you doing?

HER (guilt trip) : i’m ok. really trying to focus on my mental health recently on top of school and family issues so it’s a lot to juggle but i’m getting into a good pattern i guess and i’m okay. how are you? are you with your dads family still?

ME: Sorry you’ve been dealing with that recently :( I feel like dealing with that yourself is probably really tough with everything else going on. I am glad you’re finding a pattern that seems to work well! If it ever gets too much and you need a break or anything let me know ❤️ I know I have a lot going on and understand if that can be more than you can handle while dealing with stuff yourself.

I didn’t end up going :/ I honestly didn’t think I could get much lower than I felt like a month ago but I have not been well 😔 Jen coming home Thursday was nice but it’s tough when she leaves

HER: i’m sorry you’ve been feeling so low. it’s good you realized that you weren’t up for it opposed to going and really not having a good time

ME (a few hours later) : Jesus I didn’t realize you responded. You up still?

I’m so sorry I leave my phone open a lot 🙄

Did you get any puzzles recently?

Sorry I’m bombarding you with messages 😕 I’m feeling a little better than the past few nights and I don’t want it to go away

Her: sorry i just woke up to pee 😩 the weed i smoked makes me really really tired. i got an ice cream puzzle today at target! it was only 1000 pieces :)

no worries though, i’m glad you’re feeling a little better tonight. that’s good

ME: That’s ok! I kinda thought you may have fallen asleep haha

It looks like a nice one!

HER: i’ve been going to bed around 11 ish and falling asleep by 1130 and then have been waking up by 7-8 cause of the dogs or the baby so it’s hard for me to be up after that now lol

ME: Oh haha I thought it was because the new weed makes you really sleepy

HER: it’s both

ME: Gotcha

HER: did you just remonte a heart from a message from days ago

ME: Yeah

HER: why?

ME: Because I don’t believe you meant what you said. You talk a lot but actions speak way louder than words. And I don't really believe your words anyway. I don’t wanna go back and forth waiting for you to show that you care when it doesn’t happen. Maybe you’re not capable of caring right now or something but it’s something I need for my safety at this point and I think I should just rely on my family from now on

HER: i’m at work and i’m too tired to keep arguing with you. i have tried to show you that i care in countless different ways over the past year or so and i’m sorry if my actions have not reflected that. i truly believe that i have done the best i can to show you that i care and be there for you while also dealing with my own mental health issues and my own family issues. i don’t think i can be with someone who doesn’t believe what i say since that hurts a lot to hear and if this is what you need for your own safety then okay i’m not arguing with you anymore. im sorry i couldn’t be there for you the way you needed me to be.

ME: That’s how you respond when I say I’m concerned for my safety? I feel like I don’t understand you at all anymore :( I can’t believe just a week or so ago you were telling me how much you loved me and wanted to be with me especially when things are hard. I know you said it hurts a lot to hear that I don’t believe what you say, but it’s been hurting too much for me to not say anything (this is the most I’ve ever had to speak up so much for my own well-being). You even said a few days ago you understood why it would seem to me like you don’t care, but nothing changed :(. You’ve never even asked if I was ok any of those days after we argued until we were both in tears. That was less than a few weeks after I told you I was wishing I were dead 😔 Can you be the bigger person for once?! Even since then any conversation about how I’m feeling becomes about you. Then Sunday you mention that YOURE focusing on mental health (you never said anything before and now I’m REALLY in a place where I can’t help). Like you’ve never ever JUST LISTENED to me. I mean I just started a new medication for the first time in 6 years because my emotions have been SO bad. You seemed really concerned the other night saying there was nothing I could do to make you not care or worry about me, but it does that feel that way :( even after I told you the other day My depression has gotten worse since last month (when I told you I wished I was dead). I’m not sure when the topic moved to summer but I was only talking about now and recently, when I needed you the most 😔

I don’t know why you would say to someone you “love” that you don’t think you can be with them during a time when they’re struggling so bad they want to die

I’ve never been so hurt and confused :( but I truly hope you find someone who will make you as happy as you deserve to be ❤️

HER: i don’t know what i’m supposed to say anymore. everything i say to you is wrong. you never asked if i was okay either, just because one of us i struggling more than the other doesn’t mean the other one is completely okay. you keep thinking that i’m making it all about me but half the time i don’t even tell you what i’m dealing with so it’s one less than you have to worry about. but i’m also struggling, what’s happening between me and you is effecting me, what’s happening in my family is effecting me, school is effecting me. you told me once you don’t think i take mental health seriously and sunday i tell you i think i’m getting into a good pattern and suddenly that’s me taking away from what you’re dealing with? i was doing the best that i could to be there for you WHILE trying to be there for MYSELF and for the other people in my life who need me. i don’t know how you can call the person you love a liar, an abuser and tell them you don’t believe a word they say and expect them to be a bigger person. i’ve never been so hurt and confused either. i don’t know where it went wrong but i guess it did so i’m sorry. i hope things start getting better & i hope you find someone who will make you as happy as you deserve to be too

ME: Holy ***. I actually can’t believe you and how you’ll twist things the way you do - you didn’t even acknowledge most of what I sent. Idk why you’re confused because I can explain any of my words or actions you’d like. It’s as if you’ve never heard a thing I’ve told you in the past and you can’t even hear me now while I’m screaming for help... for my life. I didn’t know you could be so cold and selfish :( I’ll ask my dad to drop off what stuff I know I have of yours

I spent the next three days in an adult treatment program for people suffering from severe worsening of mental health. I haven't told her because I feel like she tries to compete with how poorly I'm doing.

ME: I’m sorry I didn’t want him going in my room but I can get it to you by tomorrow latest

Last time our conversation turned into more of an argument you wanted to talk about stuff in person to try to figure out where things went wrong, but I understand why what I said would hurt and make you not want to anymore :( Thank you for all the support you did give me this past year and for sticking it out for as long you were able to. I truly do appreciate and cherish all of it. I wish I could’ve prevented this

HER: i don’t want us to end . i want to have a conversation with you in person and figure out what went wrong and talk about things but last time that happened you ended up sending a really long text (of things you needed to say and maybe things i needed to hear, i know) and it did really hurt to hear those things from the person i love the most so it makes me hesitant to even want to have the conversation

we can still prevent it :/

 

tl;dr My girlfriend never seems to take responsibility for her actions, with me or others. I was surprised by many of the things she said to me (her girlfriend and someone she loves) when I spoke up for myself because I was seriously struggling with my mental health. I can't tell if she's just emotionally immature or purposely manipulating me so that I feel like it's always my fault. Based on her most recent message, I feel like she thinks this wasn't a big deal. Am I overreacting or does this seem like a dysfunctional relationship?

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I advise you get away from her as she is highly manipulative.     This is the wrong person for anyone to be involved with, most especially  if one has  mental health issues.  

In addition to the meds are you talking to  a therapist?  Why were you off meds for so long?  

Your relationship is toxic.

It doesn't actually seem that she is working on her behavior.  Can't imagine it could get worse. This is who she is.

Edited by Hollyj
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16 minutes ago, AdOk3838 said:

she asked if I wanted her to spoon me (I love being little spoon). I responded, crying a little, with "I don't care".

Agree that sniveling and then saying "I don't care" is quite passive-aggressive and something you need to work on with your psychiatrist and therapist.

 Learn better communication skills in general. As far as this particular GF, it may be best to take some space.

Let her look for roommates if she wants her own place. Don't invite her over if you're just going to play games with friends and she's bored/pouts.

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This relationship seems very unhealthy. It seems like the both of you think you're mentally worse off than the other one and want the other one to agree. This is not a productive way to conduct a relationship. 

I hope both of you get professional help for your emotional needs. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to feel the way you do. 

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32 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This relationship seems very unhealthy. It seems like the both of you think you're mentally worse off than the other one and want the other one to agree. This is not a productive way to conduct a relationship. 

I hope both of you get professional help for your emotional needs. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to feel the way you do. 

I've been getting professional help for over 5 years now... I'm currently being treated for major depressive disorder, dysthymia, generalized anxiety, social anxiety (this has been affecting me since elementary school), and panic disorder. She's never been diagnosed with a mental illness. But I completely agree that it always feels like we're competing. I know for a fact that she doesn't take depression or mental health seriously (I've told her this bothers me many times) just based on how she talks about her friend who also deals with it. 

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree that sniveling and then saying "I don't care" is quite passive-aggressive and something you need to work on with your psychiatrist and therapist.

 Learn better communication skills in general. As far as this particular GF, it may be best to take some space.

Let her look for roommates if she wants her own place. Don't invite her over if you're just going to play games with friends and she's bored/pouts.

I know that was passive aggressive and immature. I was in what felt like a dangerous mental state and couldn't deal with any more hurt. Thank you for the suggestions  

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3 hours ago, Hollyj said:

I advise you get away from her as she is highly manipulative.     This is the wrong person for anyone to be involved with, most especially  if one has  mental health issues.  

In addition to the meds are you talking to  a therapist?  Why were you off meds for so long?  

Your relationship is toxic.

It doesn't actually seem that she is working on her behavior.  Can't imagine it could get worse. This is who she is.

Yes, I do have a psychiatrist I talk to. I'm not sure I understand your questions about meds. I've been medicated since I was 16 and haven't come off since. Thank you for your feedback. It really helps to hear that someone else recognizes this as manipulation.

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I started out nodding my head, sympathizing with your plight. I recently just ended a relationship where I felt my partner was very passive-aggressive. That was not the reason for breaking up - but I digress. Suffice to say that passive-aggressiveness can be crazy-making behavior if one does not know how to handle it. And here - I think we see that. 

For the entire "in person" set of events, I side with you. I think that she was being passive-aggressive and plausibly denying every interpretation or feeling you had. I think at times, you responded passively-aggressively too, but I see your point in terms of it was her who started and continued the passive-aggressiveness across days.

Where I start to see you driving the problems in the relationship is the series of texts. As a third-party observer, I thought that many of her responses were mature and addressed the problem. I noticed you put "guilt trip" next to one or more of her responses (which I thought were honest or normal), but you failed to put a "guilt trip" disclaimer next to a couple of your texts, which, even though we are seeing this from your angle, struck me as guilt trips. As the conversation played out, it seemed as if you were so worked up that you were unnecessarily seeing everything as a planned/calculated response on her part. From what I see, she culpably started it, and you carried it forward. 

You are both failing to communicate. You are both stuck in a passive-aggressive power struggle.  

A couple of additional notes:

  • Your problems with depression (I'm sorry, I know it is rough) are nobody else's. She has no duty to treat you with kid gloves because you are dealing with depression or suicidal thoughts. You alone are responsible for taking care of yourself - seek therapy, or a doctor, and make lifestyle changes to take care of yourself, my dude.
  • On that point, it is manipulative of you to hold depression or thoughts of suicide on her. *Never* do this. I understand you do not mean to be abusive, but it is abusive to use that in an argument.  

Unless one of you is capable of blunt, honest communication - and honesty in turn eventually becomes reciprocated by the other, this relationship is doomed to fail. I wish I knew the way forward for you both, but perhaps you will figure that out in any follow-up conversation you have. Please, for the love of Pete, have the conversation in person. Listen to her - not as if she were some master manipulator - but as a person. Hopefully she will give you the same respect when you share your concerns. Then, you may have a better idea of where to go from there. 

Best of luck, and let me know if you have any questions.  

Edited by Pleasedonot5
Rephrasing awkward sentences/grammatical fixes
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I didn't read all the text messages but from your post it sounds like maybe you and your girlfriend just rub each other the wrong way. Your original fight just seemed to come out of nothing. You both seem kind of moody and seem to get in mood around each other. I'm not sure whether your mental health actually does play a role because you are more sensitive to various everyday things. My ex-fiance had really bad depression and anxiety and he would really get in a mood a lot. Like get all grumpy and snappy. Kind of sounds like both you and your girlfriend can be like that too. Maybe you two don't really work well together. I think as someone who really struggles with mental illness, you need a chill girlfriend who is not dramatic or emotional. You need someone who will balance you out, you know? It seems like she's pressing all the wrong buttons, so to speak.

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3 hours ago, AdOk3838 said:

Yes, I do have a psychiatrist I talk to. I'm not sure I understand your questions about meds. I've been medicated since I was 16 and haven't come off since. Thank you for your feedback. It really helps to hear that someone else recognizes this as manipulation.

You mentioned you were on a new drug and so I wasn't sure.  Sorry.

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I didn't read all the text messages but from your post it sounds like maybe you and your girlfriend just rub each other the wrong way. Your original fight just seemed to come out of nothing. You both seem kind of moody and seem to get in mood around each other. I'm not sure whether your mental health actually does play a role because you are more sensitive to various everyday things. My ex-fiance had really bad depression and anxiety and he would really get in a mood a lot. Like get all grumpy and snappy. Kind of sounds like both you and your girlfriend can be like that too. Maybe you two don't really work well together. I think as someone who really struggles with mental illness, you need a chill girlfriend who is not dramatic or emotional. You need someone who will balance you out, you know? It seems like she's pressing all the wrong buttons, so to speak.

 

2 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

I started out nodding my head, sympathizing with your plight. I recently just ended a relationship where I felt my partner was very passive-aggressive. That was not the reason for breaking up - but I digress. Suffice to say that passive-aggressiveness can be crazy-making behavior if one does not know how to handle it. And here - I think we see that. 

For the entire "in person" set of events, I side with you. I think that she was being passive-aggressive and plausibly denying every interpretation or feeling you had. I think at times, you responded passively-aggressively too, but I see your point in terms of it was her who started and continued the passive-aggressiveness across days.

Where I start to see you driving the problems in the relationship is the series of texts. As a third-party observer, I thought that many of her responses were mature and addressed the problem. I noticed you put "guilt trip" next to one or more of her responses (which I thought were honest or normal), but you failed to put a "guilt trip" disclaimer next to a couple of your texts, which, even though we are seeing this from your angle, struck me as guilt trips. As the conversation played out, it seemed as if you were so worked up that you were unnecessarily seeing everything as a planned/calculated response on her part. From what I see, she culpably started it, and you carried it forward. 

You are both failing to communicate. You are both stuck in a passive-aggressive power struggle.  

A couple of additional notes:

  • Your problems with depression (I'm sorry, I know it is rough) are nobody else's. She has no duty to treat you with kid gloves because you are dealing with depression or suicidal thoughts. You alone are responsible for taking care of yourself - seek therapy, or a doctor, and make lifestyle changes to take care of yourself, my dude.
  • On that point, it is manipulative of you to hold depression or thoughts of suicide on her. *Never* do this. I understand you do not mean to be abusive, but it is abusive to use that in an argument.  

Unless one of you is capable of blunt, honest communication - and honesty in turn eventually becomes reciprocated by the other, this relationship is doomed to fail. I wish I knew the way forward for you both, but perhaps you will figure that out in any follow-up conversation you have. Please, for the love of Pete, have the conversation in person. Listen to her - not as if she were some master manipulator - but as a person. Hopefully she will give you the same respect when you share your concerns. Then, you may have a better idea of where to go from there. 

Best of luck, and let me know if you have any questions.  

Which of her texts did you perceive as normal? I'm pretty good at picking up on her mood just by the slight changes in her texts. In fact, asking if something is wrong when she seems off is the only way I'll find out. She is never direct. 

Maybe I should've included a little more background from our relationship since it can be hard to get a full picture from one incident: this is only the second time we've really argued like this. The first time was much less intense and was resolved quicker, although I let some things slide even though her reasoning didn't really make sense. Sometimes I feel like she could argue all day and I just don't have the energy for it mentally, which she knows. I told her like 10-11 months ago (when we started talking more) that since the onset of the pandemic I have been in a pretty low place. I told her I didn't think I was ready for a relationship and still had a lot of personal stuff to work on, but she was SO persistent to catch up and hang out all the time. She initiated most, if not all, contact and before I knew it we were getting dinner together when she asked me, "Sooo is this like date?" (I think her way of suggesting that we were now in a relationship). Communication was horrible in this situation, but we both kind of decided we were now officially together. About 5 months ago I told her I noticed my depression worsening and that I was losing motivation to complete basic tasks. I made sure to let her know that just because I may reach out less doesn't mean I don't want to be with you or that you can't ask me to do something. I told her it actually makes me feel really good to be asked. She responded saying that she's really bad at asking to hang out (with anyone) out of fear that they'll say no, but she'd work on it. I also told her if it ever felt like I was becoming more distant (we still had short conversations every day), that it had nothing to do with her and to let me know if it was impacting her or got to be too much.

And a little about myself: I am an extremely empathetic person. I don't mean to sound profound, but it's actually something I struggle with and work on a lot in therapy because I have a bad habit of putting others' happiness before my own (even if it's a total stranger). I I HATE hurting someone's feelings more than anything. I have considerably high-functioning depression when it comes to my relationships just because I hate if I'm the reason people are worried or sad. It makes me so much sadder when they know how I'm really feeling. I plaster on a fake almost every day to keep people's spirits up and avoid bringing others down. I would never make the burden of my suicidal thoughts someone else's responsibility. I tell her anything of this nature extremely gently (I've only mentioned it once before the arguments above where I reference it), always tell her that she is not at all responsible for my well-being, that I am safe, and have the support of my family and doctor. 

I definitely got worked up in this instance because I felt like my world had been turned upside down. I could not believe that you could treat someone you loved the way I was being treated by my girlfriend. I started to question everything she'd ever told me.  I can see how some of my messages we're also passive-aggressive. I'm sure that only fueled the argument and I seriously regret it. I was in disbelief and beyond hurt by her, but I shouldn't have said it because then I'm also acting immature and encouraging her to continue it. I only brought up the time I told her I "wished I was dead" because I honestly don't think she was at all concerned when I mentioned it. I can see how that would've felt like a guilt trip now and I feel horrible. I told her in a moment of disparity when she was passive-aggressively mad at me for seeming sad. It felt so childish and hurtful that I snapped.. I won't ever say it again. I had a friend tell me he was suicidal and needed me at one point and I know how terrifying that was. I don't ever want to actually scare her.

My intention was never to make her feel responsible or guilty for my depression. I was definitely upset that she kept getting mad at me for my sadness and how it impacted her, rather than just say it was too much for her to deal with. I don't think she ever would say it's too much because she doesn't actually want the relationship to end.

I really appreciate your feedback! Sorry my response is so long, but please feel free to make more comments/ suggestions. 

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Like someone else mentioned.. you guys together are toxic 😕 

Sooo much unecessary drama and going overboard about everything...

Neither of you seem happy - more miserable.  This isn't much good, is it?

Relationships take work.. mental/emotional etc.. and seems all you two do is nit pick and never actually succeeding in what the problem is.

With her being , as you say, passive-aggressive and you dealing with your own mental health issue's, this is NOT doing you any good.

Enough of the 'I'm sorry's'. This gets old. Gets to be too much, where no matter what you say, makes no difference.

I feel, for your own good, is you just end it all and focus on yourself a good while.. continue to work on your mental health, on your own.  Not be involved, at all.

Sometimes, that is the best way to focus & work on things.. Try to get yourself more stable instead of all the negative energies.

I hope you get my point.  Sometimes, some of us do better when not involved- so no issue's & the expectations that go along with relationships- as they can do more damage than good 😕 .

 

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On 4/12/2021 at 11:44 PM, AdOk3838 said:

 

Which of her texts did you perceive as normal? I'm pretty good at picking up on her mood just by the slight changes in her texts. In fact, asking if something is wrong when she seems off is the only way I'll find out. She is never direct. 

Maybe I should've included a little more background from our relationship since it can be hard to get a full picture from one incident: this is only the second time we've really argued like this. The first time was much less intense and was resolved quicker, although I let some things slide even though her reasoning didn't really make sense. Sometimes I feel like she could argue all day and I just don't have the energy for it mentally, which she knows. I told her like 10-11 months ago (when we started talking more) that since the onset of the pandemic I have been in a pretty low place. I told her I didn't think I was ready for a relationship and still had a lot of personal stuff to work on, but she was SO persistent to catch up and hang out all the time. She initiated most, if not all, contact and before I knew it we were getting dinner together when she asked me, "Sooo is this like date?" (I think her way of suggesting that we were now in a relationship). Communication was horrible in this situation, but we both kind of decided we were now officially together. About 5 months ago I told her I noticed my depression worsening and that I was losing motivation to complete basic tasks. I made sure to let her know that just because I may reach out less doesn't mean I don't want to be with you or that you can't ask me to do something. I told her it actually makes me feel really good to be asked. She responded saying that she's really bad at asking to hang out (with anyone) out of fear that they'll say no, but she'd work on it. I also told her if it ever felt like I was becoming more distant (we still had short conversations every day), that it had nothing to do with her and to let me know if it was impacting her or got to be too much.

And a little about myself: I am an extremely empathetic person. I don't mean to sound profound, but it's actually something I struggle with and work on a lot in therapy because I have a bad habit of putting others' happiness before my own (even if it's a total stranger). I I HATE hurting someone's feelings more than anything. I have considerably high-functioning depression when it comes to my relationships just because I hate if I'm the reason people are worried or sad. It makes me so much sadder when they know how I'm really feeling. I plaster on a fake almost every day to keep people's spirits up and avoid bringing others down. I would never make the burden of my suicidal thoughts someone else's responsibility. I tell her anything of this nature extremely gently (I've only mentioned it once before the arguments above where I reference it), always tell her that she is not at all responsible for my well-being, that I am safe, and have the support of my family and doctor. 

I definitely got worked up in this instance because I felt like my world had been turned upside down. I could not believe that you could treat someone you loved the way I was being treated by my girlfriend. I started to question everything she'd ever told me.  I can see how some of my messages we're also passive-aggressive. I'm sure that only fueled the argument and I seriously regret it. I was in disbelief and beyond hurt by her, but I shouldn't have said it because then I'm also acting immature and encouraging her to continue it. I only brought up the time I told her I "wished I was dead" because I honestly don't think she was at all concerned when I mentioned it. I can see how that would've felt like a guilt trip now and I feel horrible. I told her in a moment of disparity when she was passive-aggressively mad at me for seeming sad. It felt so childish and hurtful that I snapped.. I won't ever say it again. I had a friend tell me he was suicidal and needed me at one point and I know how terrifying that was. I don't ever want to actually scare her.

My intention was never to make her feel responsible or guilty for my depression. I was definitely upset that she kept getting mad at me for my sadness and how it impacted her, rather than just say it was too much for her to deal with. I don't think she ever would say it's too much because she doesn't actually want the relationship to end.

I really appreciate your feedback! Sorry my response is so long, but please feel free to make more comments/ suggestions. 

A couple of points: 

* Seeing as you are the user posting on this site, I am on your side, not hers. I am posting for your benefit. You have nothing to prove about your character or motivations to me. 

* The texts in which I thought she responded normally or honestly (at least, one could reasonably or plausibly interpret them that way) included, from the latest text scrolling up, until probably the one that started "Honestly i was processing all that you said..." The lack of reply mixed with the excuse struck me as a bit of a dodge of responsibility.  The texts before that as well were definitely in "passive-aggressive" or "dodging responsibility" mode, even if I don't think you acted the best either. After those texts, she seemed to me to start responding bluntly and more maturely. 

* I don't think you're as good as you think you are at catching slight variations in textual tone. Even if you were an expert - why give mental energy to that analysis? Just respond to everything as it appears on its face. I think some of the only exceptions to that are when someone responds curtly to everything "K." "It's fine." or when someone who usually responds within an hour doesn't respond for 14 hours, for instance. But other than that this meta-analysis of commas and periods would be exhausting, and honestly, probably isn't that accurate.  

* About being extremely empathetic. It is good and moral to consider others' feelings. But, two counterpoints. First, you do not have the power over others that you think you have. Your being authentic about the way you feel will not ruin others' days in almost every interpersonal interaction, if you have no intention to harm people. Second, in your calculation, you are disregarding the impact you are having on yourself: a human being who deserves to be considered in your moral decisions. How can you justify acting in ways that cause harm to yourself and your psyche?

* I understand that you had emotionally fueled reasons to act the way you do - most do, including her. BUT - the point about using your suicidal ideations or depressive thoughts in an argument to "test" another's care or compassion is simply something you should not do. It is abusive and manipulative in effect.

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I'm not seeing her as anything more than a girl who cares about you but gets overwhelmed by your depression and other mental issues while struggling with her own.

You require a ton of reassurance and it's going to be hard if not impossible to find someone who is going to give you what you need.

The word for it is "high maintenance".

 

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agreed. if anything I feel you were the one being passive aggressive and maniulative. she went out of her way to appease you, and only became irritated when you wouldnt let it go.

 

Sometimes in therapy, they teach you that every feeling is valid. To the point of expecting it to be validated by your significant other. You projecting your every insecurity on her would be exhausting to deal with. No couple can survive everyday, psychoanalysis and nit picking.

 

Your feelings are very valid, but do you think married couples you see out and about discuss every thought that pops in their head. You have to pick your battles, give benefit of doubt on the rest.

 

Find some confidence and less analysis. or find someone that simply doesnt bring this out in you.OR FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE I am a highly sensitive person and possibly a super empath. But your line of thinking and analysis has me doing mental gymnastics.

 

alot of the things she said were actually quite kind, and she was saying sorry and trying. everyone has a breaking point, and she was still willing to try to repair. You are not married or living together, or have kids.... that is where the real stresses of relationships begin. 

 

my best friend has taught me, do not project expectations onto anybody. you cannot expect anybody to perform as you see fit. OPENED MY EYES to how I was expecting people to fit in my perfect lil box and behave for me.

 

I understand your pain brother, but it seems like you nurture this pain. Im not saying changes, but your hopes of finding lifelong partner that can fulfill your needs might be a tall task. 

Edited by Jambalaya421
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