Jump to content

When to bring up exclusivity talk


Recommended Posts

But you're not enjoying it. You're a ball of anxiety. Not all the time, but not being included with his visiting friends activities and being "left on read" is causing a fear response.  You're afraid he's going to hurt you somehow.

You are not OK with casual and going with the flow if these things are worrying you.

Does he know he's your "Mr. Right Now"? And that you just want him as a boyfriend for the time being? Or is that even true? Are you just telling yourself that? 

As long as fear is steering your ship you will not be able to relax and enjoy.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Both of you probably need to communicate better. My understanding was that you were looking for something more casual and not long term. 

Where are your insecurities and anxieties coming from? Is it this relationship or from your divorce/marriage?

Link to post
Share on other sites
13 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Both of you probably need to communicate better. My understanding was that you were looking for something more casual and not long term. 

Where are your insecurities and anxieties coming from? Is it this relationship or from your divorce/marriage?

After reading everyone's input I have to accept that after therapy, being single for 5 years focusing on me and my family I am still carrying my traumas in the bag, I really thought I have left them behind, I didnt use to be like this, I had a horrible marriage that destroyed my self esteem, verbal, mental and physical abuse, then 4 years later a 1 year relationship with a man who wasnt over his ex and I didnt see it until the end, dates with men who treated me like a piece of meat. Yes, I may have allowed all of this, but I came to my senses, took 5 long years to heal, only to find out that I am still a hot mess, I dont want to waste my life, I am very happy otherwise, why cant I just have fun with someone without worrying if they like me enough, why can't I have a boyfriend, date, just like everyone else without it destroying me inside. I don't want to be alone anymore, would more therapy be recommended for me?

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Afireblue said:

I dont want to waste my life, I am very happy otherwise, why cant I just have fun with someone without worrying if they like me enough, why can't I have a boyfriend, date

Just live your life. No one is 100 %. You don't need to drag all this around with you. Spend your life outside, off the couch for a change. Try not to create drama, when you don't want it.

Things are going fine here, why fret. You don't  need decades of therapy, pills etc. to go on dates, meet a decent guy like this and enjoy life. You need less, not more self absorption. Less victim thinking.

Stop wringing your hand over the exclusive talk, just do it. It's normal stuff. You don't need hours of therapy because a new dating situation makes you nervous. It happens to everyone.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, Afireblue said:

After reading everyone's input I have to accept that after therapy, being single for 5 years focusing on me and my family I am still carrying my traumas in the bag, I really thought I have left them behind, I didnt use to be like this, I had a horrible marriage that destroyed my self esteem, verbal, mental and physical abuse, then 4 years later a 1 year relationship with a man who wasnt over his ex and I didnt see it until the end, dates with men who treated me like a piece of meat. Yes, I may have allowed all of this, but I came to my senses, took 5 long years to heal, only to find out that I am still a hot mess, I dont want to waste my life, I am very happy otherwise, why cant I just have fun with someone without worrying if they like me enough, why can't I have a boyfriend, date, just like everyone else without it destroying me inside. I don't want to be alone anymore, would more therapy be recommended for me?

Thanks for sharing this. Talk with your partner. Start there. See where that leads both of you. You seem very down. Let go of the past and don't keep beating yourself up over it. It's the past. 

I do think you should review what you're looking for in a relationship and don't second guess yourself so much. If you want a more committed relationship (not just exclusivity) then share that with your partner. He may disagree or not share the same views. I think being alone is far more fulfilling than being with the wrong person so don't agree to anything that makes you uncomfortable.

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Opening your heart to someone is a leap of faith. It isn't just enjoyable. It often involves some anxiety. Just be smart about dating. Don't pull the wool over your eyes, wondering if you match in your dating/life goals. Have those hard discussions when it's the right time, and be prepared to cut guys loose quickly if your goals don't align and make you uncomfortable instead of waiting around and hoping for change or twisting yourself into a pretzel, trying to conform to his wishes which you're really not happy with. This will leave you available for someone who is compatible. People who are confident enough to stand up for what they want and won't accept anything less are a lot more valued than doormats. You will give off the aura that a person has to treat you right to keep you in his life, versus a barnacle who will cling to anyone who is cute and a warm body to avoid being lonely.

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
53 minutes ago, Afireblue said:

After reading everyone's input I have to accept that after therapy, being single for 5 years focusing on me and my family I am still carrying my traumas in the bag, I really thought I have left them behind, I didnt use to be like this, I had a horrible marriage that destroyed my self esteem, verbal, mental and physical abuse, then 4 years later a 1 year relationship with a man who wasnt over his ex and I didnt see it until the end, dates with men who treated me like a piece of meat. Yes, I may have allowed all of this, but I came to my senses, took 5 long years to heal, only to find out that I am still a hot mess, I dont want to waste my life, I am very happy otherwise, why cant I just have fun with someone without worrying if they like me enough, why can't I have a boyfriend, date, just like everyone else without it destroying me inside. I don't want to be alone anymore, would more therapy be recommended for me?

Yes.  Get therapy.  

You also need to end it with this guy if he wants kids.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

There's some points I'd like to offer more insight too if this helps,

This is so unexpected to me for the following:

- I just came back home from living abroad into my city of origin in October 2020

- He just moved into my city from another country in Dec 2020, starting his own design company in the middle of a global pandemic

I was not looking for a bf, I did join a meet up group for outdoor activities in my city and met him, we became fast friends even on the phone we would just chat and not flirt, after about 1 month he started flirting with me and I fell for that immediately, It could be that I have not been with anyone for a while, it could be that I enjoyed the attention, I dont know 

Is the way he treats me that has me going gaga over him, he is super nice, a total gentleman, we have great conversations he is kind, likes to help me, so yes, I've been going with the flow, something happened with my work that under a lot of stress and it happened to be when his friends came to visit, so instead of going to him for comfort, I tried to do something else to relieve the stress, I went swimming and running with my dogs, but noticed my anxiety creeped back big time.

We are both starting in a new place, that's why I havent asked any big questions, like where is this going or what he wants out of our relationship.  He told me he wanted children just 3 days ago, and I didnt tell him I DONT, my kids are 20 and 16, Im done.

I am starting to like him more, definitely feel an attachment because I was so starved for affection that it has made me insecure and now I am afraid to ruin the fun we have been having 😞

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like you are getting attached. I think you are right to be wary and pull back if this isn't working for you. Please don't feel down because you don't want any other kids. 

There are other men who want the same things you do. This might not be the guy to continue seeing. 

 

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It sounds like you are getting attached. I think you are right to be wary and pull back if this isn't working for you. Please don't feel down because you don't want any other kids. 

There are other men who want the same things you do. This might not be the guy to continue seeing. 

Agree, this is what dating is all about. To see if things gel. It makes most people nervous when things are good but this or that isn't perfect. Ok, then you reflect and continue...or not. These are just people, like you with the same concerns.. Not Gods who decide your fate.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
25 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It sounds like you are getting attached. I think you are right to be wary and pull back if this isn't working for you. Please don't feel down because you don't want any other kids. 

There are other men who want the same things you do. This might not be the guy to continue seeing. 

 

Yes,  definitely I am wary, at this stage in my life I would like to find someone who is older than me, that has his own kids, so he understands what parenting is like, someone more financially stable ,etc, I think about all this things as I've made so many mistakes before,

Thank you again for taking the time to respond!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think you have some mysterious character flaw that requires therapy.

Though you may run a little on the anxious side, which is perfectly normal, you are becoming attached to someone romantically and sexually and you don't know where you stand - or even what you want.

You are in a position of feeling very vulnerable and given the circumstances would be a little anxiety provoking.

For myself, I know I get attached when I am sexual with someone.   It took a few times of stumbling and getting hurt that I now tell any potential partner up front basically what makes me tick.  My talk typically happens when things feel like they are moving to the next level.  I don't ask for anything.  But I do tell them that sex (for me) is something i prefer to engage in with someone who is on the same page as myself.  It's not the same as a commitment, but rather we are only dating each other for the time being to see where this goes.  I'd rather not be having sex with someone who is still open to dating others and if that's where they are at, that's perfectly fine.  And I move along.  

This all comes from a place of confidence and not insecurity.  I know myself well enough and I know my worth.  I am not going to waste anyone's time playing russian roulette with my heart and my body.  It's too risky and I am not a risk taker.

Seeing this moment has passed, you don't really need clarity from him, but instead, yourself first.   You are getting attached to someone you realize may very well not fit into your long term plans.  It's hard to walk away when you are at the peek of infatuation the sex induced dopamine high.  That's what makes you anxious.  Not all your past trauma you speak of.   Stop focusing on that because I think it takes you down the wrong path.  If you make this all about some complicated issue you have, then it just prevents you from confidently speaking up or acting responsibly on your own behalf

Get clear with yourself and talk to him.  If he runs off so easily then he's not worth your time anyway.  Believe you deserve someone who's crazy about you.    But . .  get clear on the baby thing.  Save both of you a lot of heartache up front and not 6 months from now.

Edited by reinventmyself
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, DancingFool said:

I'm sorry but you are literally talking out of both sides of your mouth simultaneously.

You say that you don't want a relationship but then you talk about having a healthy relationship with him. Well guess what? You already identified a major serious deal breaker - he wants a family and you don't. Therefore any long term healthy happy relationship idea is already dead in the water as we speak.

You also say that you are good with just what is going on, but very obviously you are not and this lying to yourself is driving your anxiety. If you were truly cool with whatever this casual thing is and just happy to go along for as long as it lasts, you wouldn't give a flip where he is and with who or why he doesn't text you right back - you are not his gf, you are not in a relationship, so not your concern.

Make up your mind - what do you really actually want and is this really the guy to pursue for that????

yes, I guess Im confused too, because I wasnt expecting this to be anything but I feel getting attached. The bottom line is that he is not what I want in the long run, I would like to meet someone older who already has his life together, even with grown kids so we have similar lifes, etc, I think my mind is clouded by the romance, I have a lot of thinking to do

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Feel free to vent or talk things out. I have always found freedom and joy being on my own. Like you, I think there are many who want those same things - to meet like-minded individuals who have also taken the time to put their lives together or live with meaning. 

I usually get a good idea of what a person is about from the start and if there isn't any mutual understanding or the level of connection isn't high enough, there is really no sense in creating any space for dating or seeing that person, regardless if it lasts or not. 

Life is too short to live it by anyone else's standards. I think you do need to think about what you want, what makes you happy and what you need to thrive and enjoy your life going forward. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Afireblue said:

yes, I guess Im confused too, because I wasnt expecting this to be anything but I feel getting attached. The bottom line is that he is not what I want in the long run, I would like to meet someone older who already has his life together, even with grown kids so we have similar lifes, etc, I think my mind is clouded by the romance, I have a lot of thinking to do

I think asking him to be sexually monogamous is fair.  Exclusive is not -he's not a kid - it doesn't matter what you expected or how this happened.  It happened.  So now that you are into him and know you two are dealbreaker level incompatible because he wants kids and you do not want more kids, please let him go and find someone who wants what he does.  

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Look, I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but this guy doesn't sound like the right match for you to be honest. If you just want a friend with benefits, someone to spend time with for activities with sex as a bonus, then he can be that. But the fact that he wants kids and you already have kids and don't want them, is a big incompatibility. For sex it's probably fine but if both of you want a partner, then this isn't going to go in that direction because it'll end one day. He might be seeing you now because he's "new in town" and he just happened to meet you and get along with you as soon as he moved to your city. He didn't know anyone yet and of course he needed friends and company. 

I'm not saying that he's just using you but what I mean is I don't think he's really thought about the future that much because his main focus was meeting new people and making new friends. If he wants kids and he knows you don't, I don't actually think he would become exclusive with you. I think he would still be dating other women, hoping to find one who wants kids. Then once he finds her, you and him would be over. You're already so anxious now so how bad do you think you'll feel if he left you for another woman? I know not all relationships last but you already know that it won't last now. You have that prediction already.

I'm 36 and I really want kids. I'm bisexual and when COVID restrictions in my city briefly eased off, I went on a date with a bisexual man also from online dating. We were both open to friendship because we're both in the GLBTIQ community and he's actually very effeminate and we have a lot in common. Anyway, he's polyamorous and he was married for 20+ years and has two teenage daughters. He's 49. He did not want any more children and had a vasectomy. Anyway so we started seeing each other and we fell in love with each other. I loved being with him but I would often come home after seeing him and cry. I cried because he would never have kids with me and he's also polyamorous and was dating other people. So I had to end it. I actually have a post about it here as well. I guess I told you this just to say that it hurts when you love someone, but you know there's no future with that person and one day it's just going to end.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
16 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I guess I told you this just to say that it hurts when you love someone, but you know there's no future with that person and one day it's just going to end.

I can think of a couple instances where I needed to check my heart and think with my head.   

One guy comes to mind.  He agreed to the sexual exclusivity but wanted to be open to meeting others.  Mind you, I had already been intimate with him before my talk.   

We both agreed the chemistry was off the charts, we were amazing friends, but I just knew in my gut it wouldn't end well.  His entire life was in transition and he wasn't in a place for a relationship.  

I took a few days to think about it and told him I couldn't see him anymore.  He tried to talk me out of it.  We hung out as friends a couple times weeks later. . no more sex . .and then we drifted apart.  I have very fond memories of him.  I don't often meet someone that gives me butterflies like that!  

If I could do all over again, I would have made the same decision.   

There is something satisfying about leaving when things are good, rather than sticking around until they turn sour and you are left with nothing but bad feelings towards each other.  

If you have a choice, leave on a high note.

Edited by reinventmyself
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
24 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

. . and having anxiety myself and just enough therapy. . What I have learned, or have been told, is that anxiety is typically about something you are avoiding or not addressing.

I agree.  And it's also about not being honest with yourself.  If you're trying to be or feel or act in a way that is not sincere to your true self, your psyche will act out.  

You are trying to be your own best friend.  Don't ignore you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You are already getting attached - and for the wrong reasons and to the wrong person (a person who told you they want children when you don't).

Loneliness su(ks but don't ignore that there's a screaming incompatibility issue in this dynamic if you guys are exclusive. If you fall really hard for him, you are going to kick yourself later for not walking away because now you're mending a broken heart. 

Be fair to him like you would want him to be fair to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I can think of a couple instances where I needed to check my heart and think with my head.   

One guy comes to mind.  He agreed to the sexual exclusivity but wanted to be open to meeting others.  Mind you, I had already been intimate with him before my talk.   

We both agreed the chemistry was off the charts, we were amazing friends, but I just knew in my gut it wouldn't end well.  His entire life was in transition and he wasn't in a place for a relationship.  

I took a few days to think about it and told him I couldn't see him anymore.  He tried to talk me out of it.  We hung out as friends a couple times weeks later. . no more sex . .and then we drifted apart.  I have very fond memories of him.  I don't often meet someone that gives me butterflies like that!  

If I could do all over again, I would have made the same decision.   

There is something satisfying about leaving when things are good, rather than sticking around until they turn sour and you are left with nothing but bad feelings towards each other.  

If you have a choice, leave on a high note.

 

I couldn't agree more about there is something satisfying about leaving things when they are good. I had the same experience as you when I dated a man for 3 months. I had to walk away because he wanted to leave his options open. When I look back I have nothing but fond memories of our time and if by chance we talk again, I just know we would just chat like old friends.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/12/2021 at 10:17 AM, Afireblue said:

Well, I have met only 1 of his friends,  I went hiking and invited him and he came with his bff and his son, and we spend the whole day together, it was so nice, he texted me that night that he enjoyed my company huge!! However, he had friends visiting from abroad last week and he did not include me in anything and we barely talked that week, but he send me photos of what him and his friends were doing. of course my anxiety went to the roof but I gave him his space and when his friends left he called me and said he missed me.

He also plays front tennis at the same arena where my daughter trains for volleyball, so we have coincided there a couple of times and he asks to come see him play

I asked how he does he introduce you, not if had introduced you.

Obviously he never said This is my GF Afireblue, am I right? Did he just say this is my friend? what?

Edited by smackie9
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...