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In ten years I have never had sex with my partner

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I don't know really where to start, but I'll give it a go... Firstly I have been married before and  have a child who is at uni. From this marriage. My marriage didn't work out and I met a new guy on a dating website ten years ago who is my current partner and who this post is primarily about. I am in my late 40s and he is ten years older now. He has never been married or had children, telling me he never found the right person. He also told me early on in the relationship that he had only ever had one proper relationship ever and the sex didn't ever happen in that relationship due to his nerves. He dated that woman for around a year.I felt therefore he was sexually inexperienced. I did feel ok with that as I had came out of a relationship with a  man who cheated, so I found my new relationship refreshing. This man is kind, generous with his time and money, we get on very well. We laugh at the same things, enjoy many hobbies together as well as having our own interests. We are both academics (although I didn't do both if my degrees untill I met him, and he encouraged me). He is very placid and easy going, something that my ex husband never was. My partner is a good listener, diplomatic and would do anything for me, and has demonstrated his caring nature more times than I can remember. I love my partner, and although he is quiet by nature, his actions seem to demonstrate he loves me. He is  a man that seldom says it, but he has said  he loves me. Six months into our relationship it did get enter into light foreplay but nothing more, certainly no intercourse. It was mainly touching and oral on him. I thought things would develop over time and his shyness would unravel. I noticed he got erections but they maybe only lasted five minutes tops. I wasn't too worried and he told me at this time he hadn't had proper penetration, but had made attempts during his past relationship. I still wasn't that worried as we had discussed Viagra if necessary. The problem now manifests into far more and what it is like now. I really need help. Over the last few years the foreplay that we once had has dried up completely. He tells me he  is not a sexual being any more due to his age and he very rarely thinks about sex any more. This was about five years into our relationship now, which is about five years ago. I just put up with it thinking the relationship was good in all other respects, I am not the type of person to cheat. From that point to present day where we are now, I must of had about one long debate a year with him explaining that I love him, but feel I am missing out on a sexual relationship. He always appeared to listen. His justification was that his body does not need sexual stimulation of any kind any more and can I not survive with just his cuddles and laying cheek to cheek in bed. By that point he didn't like kissing much either, but to be truthful he was never a good kisser, but I still loved him and still do as we have some sort of bond and get on well.We did try Viagra more than once but it didn't really work even when the doctor put it up to the maximum dose, he maintained an erection for five minutes, we tried full sex but his penis was near the entrance of my vagina but for whatever reason it never went fully in. But that is not the problem now or why I write this as it gets more complex so please read on. I had to tell you all this beforehand as it is important to the rest of the story. Most of you will think it very unusual that a man now in his 50s has never ever had proper sex, but not for want of trying especially in the early days of our relationship. We had been for three sessions as a couple to a sex therapist counselling, but he wasn't open or didn't talk much. Afterwards I said it was a waste of money, because he didn't express himself, he said it was because he was shy and he was set in his ways and he didn't want to talk to a stranger about sex. Now moving forward some years to this morning, it all came to a head when I looked on his phone. I knew he had another email account but he said he had set it up for junk mail only. When he was in the bathroom I found the account which was open on his phone. For the last three years he had been sending himself from one email account to another scantly clad women pictures, which appeared to come from Facebook. None of them were nudes, just mainly very big busted brunettes. Buy the way I am a natural redhead. Some of these images were implying lesbians. I was not offended by these, but just curious, not because I understand men masturbate, but just curious because he has told me for years now, he has gone off sex and has no sexual desires or urges whatsoever. Some of the photos were of BBC news readers, weather girls with clothes on, but mostly others were ordinary women in skimpy micro bikinis and sometimes in vintage lacy underwear. They were not people's profile pictures, just women maybe from Playboy's Facebook page type thing. They were sent on a daily basis going back years, he had obviously sent them to himself, some were repeated, always massive fake breasts as the theme and nearly always petite brunettes with large breasts. I just felt shocked that he must still think about sex fairly regularly to do this and I must confront him. Also I thought in my head if he has lied about this what other aspects could he have lied about. When he emerged from the bathroom this morning, I asked straight away that I thought he wa off sex for many years now. He confirmed that he was and never thinks about it at all, stating that the thought doesn't even enter his head. I said to him that I thought he was lying to me. He immediately became defensive and asked me to explain why I called him a liar. I said I had seen images of these women semi nude he had regularly sent himself indicating a sexual theme meaning he must still be interested in sex after all these years and he was lying to me. He shouted like I had never seen him before and said it was a terrible invasion of privacy that I had looked on his phone and how dare I do this. Raised voices went back too and fro until he admitted he does still think about sex regularly and is addicted to fantasy sex. He regularly masturbates however he does genuinely have erection problems. He likes to look at pictures of brunettes who are slim with big boobs and he also watches porn always in secret. He has never let me in on that side of his life as he feels safe in his fantasy world where he can get off, never have to please anyone because his erection problems mean he could be a failure to a woman. However, in fantasy land it's always win win as he can choose the picture and just imagine. He went on to explain that he has an archetype which stated when he was a teenager with the singer Dana, and he prefers small petite women with brown hair. I am a fuller figured lady about a size 16/18 and am a natural redhead. He said he had always lived on instant sexual attraction. For him it's only a certain woman he finds attractive, about one in a hundred, and I was not one of them, but he had grown to love me but it was not a sexual love.He said he still loves me but he gets his sex fix from fantasy land and he never needed to bother me.... As I write this it's 3.35 in the morning I cannot sleep and the tears are racing down my face. What would you do? You're not me I know! I feel very hurt as he went on to say that he feels he is in a relationship with me and we get on well and he sees it more if a companion based relationship with love for me but not sexual love for me. He says there is nobody else. I wan't to believe him, but he has lied to me it appears for ten years now. He had become a very solitary man before I met him after losing his parents to old age and his sibling to illness and has few friends. He is a very untidy man, and I am a very good cook and now am just wondering if I have been used to tidy up, cook and clean, just for my companionship so he is not on his own in old age. I feel he gets his needs met with me with company, love and his sexual needs met in private I found out today. However, what about my needs? I just thought he had gone off sex, but that is not the case, my sexual needs are not met. He is a good kind man, but I feel very betrayed by him today, and if I had not seen the emails I would be none the wiser. I am hoping his secret nature does not reveal anything else. My heart is broken not because of the masturbation, but because of him saying he has gone off sex as he got older, this is clearly not the case. I really do not have anyone to turn to. I couldn't talk to any of my family or friends about this because it is too personal and we are not like that as a family and never have discussed things of this nature. Posting in here with anonymousity seems easier somehow. Any reflections or advice appreciated. I cannot see the wood for the trees. I am a very sensitive person. To say he doesn't find me sexually attractive ever but he does find attractive qualities in my personality doesn't make me feel better, in fact it's soul destroying knowing that I may be the cause of his erectile problem, however I think it existed somewhat before he met me. I feel it is him who has the dysfunction with sex not me. I consider myself quite attractive, and have always had a good sex life with my four other previous boyfriends when I was a lot younger and before I was married. It must also be said my partner weighs 20 stone, is very big built, but doesn't necessarily look it as he is very tall. I would say he is average looking, with a more than average size penis, however, I go for a person as a whole and never had an archetype myself, people just grow on me if I like them. My partner also tells me today he can sepetate sex from love. I don't think I can as a woman. Please help.

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It would seem that he has misled you from the very beginning.  He may have trained himself through porn or other images (calling it fantasy is diluting what it really is) to only respond sexually this way.  This is nothing new as we see women on here semi frequently that are being ignored sexually and are given excuses by their husband/bf only to find out later the guy is watching porn all the time. 

  You feel betrayed and deceived as you rightly should.  Intimacy between a couple that love each other is very important.  That intimacy does not need to be penetration type of intimacy for the love to be true but there has to be intimacy.  What you described is lacking that in huge amounts.  I know couples where one in paralyzed from the waist down but they have a very intimate relationship.  

  What you discovered is heartbreaking and I don't see how you can recover from this.  He is not attracted to your type, your features, your hair color, your shape, breast size or anything so why did he start dating you?  What was his motive?  Looks aren't everything and nobody is perfect but he has a very specific type so what did he think would happen?  I am not putting your attractiveness down and I am questioning his motives from the start.

  Pragmatically what are your options?

-Stay with him because it is safe and you love him despite all that you know now or

-Leave him so you can find a man that desires you, all of you and that can show and tell you how much he really loves you.

I was just thinking you must feel like I did when I found out my wife was cheating on me.  Kind of the same thing...

Keep posting


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1 hour ago, Angela5678 said:

I feel he gets his needs met with me with company, love and his sexual needs met in private I found out today. However, what about my needs?

I can see why you are upset. He's been quite unfair to you. And now it seems that the intimacy that you thought you had was a sham. There is no intimacy if somebody is lying.

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I’m sorry that you’re going through this. From my own past experiences being in relationships where there was no physical intimacy and thinking I could get by without it I realized how much I need it. 
I think it’s unfair your needs have gone unmet for so very long and he’s selfish to have stayed even though there’s no sexual attraction. He has led you on for ten years to believe he was one way when in reality he’s different. To me that’s deception! 

If I were you I would think about how intimacy is important to you and if you can go another ten or so years with this man without it. 

But with the deception that alone would not make me stay.

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Angela, what matters is what you want to do with the information you have now. Some part of you will already know instinctively what to do but the shock and betrayal are overwhelming. Yes, do write if it helps to write here. 

How does he react to the idea of rebuilding that trust or building a more satisfying sex life with you? Would you be open to that or the relationship too broken for you to go that way?

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Very unfair to you.   Time to move on if you want more than being trapped in a sexless marriage where you play maid and cook.  I don't understand what you get from this.  

I think you should also address why you have tolerated all of this for so long.  You husband is a very selfish and deceptive man.

Edited by Hollyj
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Sorry you've experienced this 😞 ...

But, fact is, is you have not had true 'sexual interaction', with him, ever!

You've been lacking this for a very long time - and yes, it is a normal part of a couple's relationship... he's just an odd one.

Sad, you have accepted this for so long....

But, now that you know who he truly is.. explains plenty.

I suggest you take some time and consider moving on with your life - not be stuck in a nothing 😕 .

He cannot give you what you need/deserve.  never has.

So, look for a place of your own.. and you leave.

Take some real down time to work on healing .. and get yourself an acct on dating sites, etc.. Get your own life going again!


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Just reading the title and a few of your initial sentences, I already knew where your story was going to go - either cheating or some type of a double life. I was correct. Why did I guess that way? Because there are enough red flags with this man from the get go to supply China.

You've picked two men back to back as long term partners (your ex husband and this guy) who are essentially flip sides of the same exact coin - liars who lead a double life. As much as this shocks and stings, I'd leave this "relationship" and take a good long time to figure out why you choose as you do. Effectively do a great deal of introspection and work out what is going on with you that you choose and stay in these types of toxic relationships. In fact, I'd urge you to find a therapist who specifically understands that cheating is abuse and that you likely have a great deal of PTSD to work out from both this and your previous relationship. Getting deceived like that does leave a mark, no matter how strong you think you are and how much you think you can handle things. Sometimes, everyone needs extra help and guidance.

It sounds too much like this has been a 10 year rebound from your cheating ex. This guy can't get it up and isn't interested in sex, or so you thought, and you were willing to essentially put aside your needs for perceived security from cheating. Except that there is nothing normal or healthy about a man who is in his 50's and has never had a proper relationship, let alone a sexual relationship that he claims of.

Life is too short for this sort of a mess. Get out, get help, get yourself sorted out. You have plenty of time to heal yourself, fix your picker and have a proper relationship with an actual decent man. You just have to learn what a decent man looks like and for that you do need to get some help.

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9 hours ago, Angela5678 said:

I did feel ok with that as I had came out of a relationship with a  man who cheated, so I found my new relationship refreshing. 

Sorry this is happening. In a way you sort of picked an asexual type of man in the misbelief that he wouldn't cheat.

This is not about weight, 'types', porn etc. Its about him living a double life. 

However you seemed fine with asexual companionship....for years.  Until you found that he does in fact have some interest in masturbation..

You need to decide whether you want continued asexual companionship knowing this. If so, tell him you are opening the relationship so you can get physical satisfaction elsewhere.

Either way you won't be cheated on because he's getting his  kicks from pics and if you simply take a lover, you still have your companion.

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Wow this is so horrible! I am so sorry that all this has happened to you! What your partner has done to you is really unfair and selfish. However you have also played a role in this and that role is that you actually decided to stay in a relationship where your partner didn't want to have sex with you for ten years. I understand that you didn't know the real reason and he had deceived you. But what you did know is that he didn't want to have sex with you, that information you did have. You then had a choice if to stay in a relationship with no sex and you made the choice to stay. So that was actually your decision and you can't really blame solely only your partner that you "wasted" ten years on this relationship.

What your partner did to you is really horrible though. He knew you really wanted sex and to be sexually desired. If he wasn't sexually or physically attracted to you then he shouldn't have been in this relationship and should have let you find someone else. I'm sure many other men would find you attractive. I'm bisexual and I have a HUGE thing for redheads and I love curvy women. I'm sure you are stunning but you wasted time on the one man with a really specific type of woman he likes. 

I know some people do really have a type, for example my ex fiance only really likes blondes. So it's true that basically all women he dated were blondes. Having said that though, he just probably wouldn't date a brunette in the first place. He wouldn't be dating a brunette for ten years and never have sex with her, but jerk off to pictures of blondes in secret. Your boyfriend lied to you and was really selfish.

I have come to realise that people can have different types of sexuality spectrums because my female ex was asexual. She wanted emotional relationships, but she said she never really thought of people in a sexual way, she never fantasised or masturbated. She said once to a friend: "I don't care if sex is there or not". I spent 1.5 years with her, but I had to end it due to the sex problem and also other issues. I realised though that she is what she is, and I have a choice whether to be with her or not.

Personally if it was me I would dump your partner right now. He outright lied to you saying he had no interest in sex. He does have interest in sex, just not with you. He acted very selfishly because he wanted a companion and he was happy in his fantasy land jerking off to all those pictures. He didn't really care about you or how you felt. He didn't care that you could have been happy enjoying sex with a different man. All he really cared about was himself.

Edited by Tinydance
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