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Single mom....advice needed


Millenimom
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So....I was hesitant to post here....but I am very open to advice, criticism and encouragement, etc. I want to know, truly and honestly if a 30 year old single mom can ever find love. Corny question it may seem, but I will describe myself and my concerns. I am, as I said 30 years old. I have one five year old daughter from a marriage to my ex husband. I have a Master’s degree and make almost 60k a year (I wish money and degrees didn’t matter in the world, but...they do). I am good looking in my opinion, and have been told so by many others. I have had no luck in my almost four years being divorced (not that I was looking right out of divorce but the hook-ups still seemed to occur as I’m human). Anyhow, I took two situations seriously (men in my age group) and they are now both with women with no children...this makes me think that I will always, compete with or come second to women without kids (as there are many of those now even past age 30) for a good man. Not saying the men I chose were the definition of “good” but they were who I wanted at the time. So, I guess...am I SOL? What do I do? Let me know thoughts, opinions, advice. No sugar coating! Thanks!

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I think dating and relationships are and continue to be a numbers game.  Especially as we get older.  YIKES.  

Just because it hasn't happened.  Doesn't mean it won't.  

What have you been doing to meet guys?  Are you open to single dads?  

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27 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I'm thinking it was the men you were attracted to.  

Where do you meet people?

Well one of them I knew from high school (as I am back in my home town, which is a college town I may add...not the best dating options anyway) ...so he just kind of reached out to me and we realized we both lived here. The other one I met out of town. 

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27 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think dating and relationships are and continue to be a numbers game.  Especially as we get older.  YIKES.  

Just because it hasn't happened.  Doesn't mean it won't.  

What have you been doing to meet guys?  Are you open to single dads?  

Definitely open to single dads. 

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33 minutes ago, Millenimom said:

I want to know, truly and honestly if a 30 year old single mom can ever find love.

I'd say the answer to this is: yes. Just my observation in life, but it seems that love is out there for just about everyone: lost, found, rediscovered, and so on, in just about every shape one can imagine. 

Have you given some thought to what kind of man you see yourself with? Is he your age, older? A parent? Someone interested in playing some kind of parental role? Someone who wants kids of his own, as in: Do you want more children? Not saying answering all those questions is the key, but it helps fine tune the radar. 

For whatever it's worth, or to be transparent about my own biases? I know a single mother, a bit older than you, who asked similar questions. We now live together, I'm wildly in love with her, so I'm awfully grateful she kept playing the numbers game, so to speak. 

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You sound like you  have a lot to offer, I am certain that there are many men that are interested in a single mom.   I think that you simply have to be patient just like those of us without kids.  

 

Good luck.

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Yes of course you can and will meet someone.  Now if you were early twenties I can tell you many guys would balk at a young woman with a child but that doesn't mean they don't meet and fall in love with good men, it is just a little harder finding a guy with an open mind that is in his early twenties.  You are 30, educated, make a good living, take care of yourself, your life and your child well and I am assuming have your stuff together which is very attractive to men in similar situations. 

  I agree you do need to know what you are looking for though and when you figure that out you need to look for where those type of men congregate.  You don't go deer hunting in a city park you go to the woods where you know the deer you are looking for like to hang out.  Same goes for men.

  Living in a college town may make it a little harder but not impossible.  What is the population where you live?

When I was 21 I had just bought my first house and some friends were over and had brought a really attractive girl with them.  She was really into me but she had twins, her bf had bailed on her and the twins and joined the navy.  I liked her but it was just to much for me at the time.  If I had been older I would like to believe I would have been more open minded.  I have a friend I would have bet all the money I had would never get involved with a woman with children but he did and they got married and had a child together as well.  People surprise you all the time.

  What kind of guy are you looking for and where have you been looking?

Lost

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8 hours ago, Millenimom said:

So....I was hesitant to post here....but I am very open to advice, criticism and encouragement, etc. I want to know, truly and honestly if a 30 year old single mom can ever find love. Corny question it may seem, but I will describe myself and my concerns. I am, as I said 30 years old. I have one five year old daughter from a marriage to my ex husband. I have a Master’s degree and make almost 60k a year (I wish money and degrees didn’t matter in the world, but...they do). I am good looking in my opinion, and have been told so by many others. I have had no luck in my almost four years being divorced (not that I was looking right out of divorce but the hook-ups still seemed to occur as I’m human). Anyhow, I took two situations seriously (men in my age group) and they are now both with women with no children...this makes me think that I will always, compete with or come second to women without kids (as there are many of those now even past age 30) for a good man. Not saying the men I chose were the definition of “good” but they were who I wanted at the time. So, I guess...am I SOL? What do I do? Let me know thoughts, opinions, advice. No sugar coating! Thanks!

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men

Skip the resume details. And skip the depressing "always have bad luck" routine.

Basically you sound too hard sell. Turn it down a notch.

Your situation is not unusual at all. Tons of divorced single parents out there.

The turn off is the "I'm so amazing, poor pitiful me" vibe.

Relax. Get adjusted to being single.

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I was on the other side -- I was a single father with one daughter -- who was/is autistic.  I too found it impossible to meet women who would entertain the idea of a relationship with a guy with a child of special needs.  They just didn't want to take on the burden of someone else's kid. 

My first marriage was with a woman from the Philippines and the only blessing from that was the birth of my daughter.  After many years of trying online and looking for someone on my level -- I even flew to Denver, Colorado to meet a woman who also had a daughter with special needs.  But it didn't work out as she had a non-autistic son and decided she didn't want to "saddle" (her word, not mine) him with two autistic sisters.

I ended up marrying another woman from the Philippines who, it seemed, was willing to accept my daughter but it hasn't worked out that way as I had hoped.  We are in a marriage of convenience but she is upset with me as I don't want to have another child at my age -- I'm 55 and she's 43.  Yes, she's a bit old to have a child but she feels she has no purpose unless she has one of her own.  No, she doesn't want to adopt.  

In the end, my advice to you, in that you're only thirty, is to realize that being single is not a bad thing in of itself. It gives you a lot of freedom in what you and your child can do together.  Don't feel as though you're the one losing out by not having a man in your life.  I sometimes think it would've been better to have stayed single and raised my daughter on my own than getting someone in her life that couldn't really love and accept her as I had hoped.

You may still find a good man as you're still young and your daughter is not special needs so, in time, she will be on her own, and you may find a man then. The truth is, we shouldn't find our self-worth in having a partner in our lives.  

I hope this helps.

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30 minutes ago, gentleheartman said:

The truth is, we shouldn't find our self-worth in having a partner in our lives.  

I hope this helps.

This^^^

I've been single a long time and yeah, it's lonely and boring at times. Covid doesn't help. But in some ways I'm happier than I've ever been - with and for myself. 

I'm looking at the big picture. The blessings of my life, my health, my peace.

Embrace what you have and appreciate this time for you and your daughter. 

But keep looking and hoping.  Don't settle. You never know Lightening could strike! ❤

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Yup- I agree with the above 🙂 

Give it time, cause you never know.  Just keep living.. your life.

We come across other people all of the time.. one may, someday come to strike you as a real,decent man.  you two may hit it off and things will grow.

As for sooo many others, yeah, it can be a real challenge, finding someone we're actually 'compatible with'. etc.

Of course, I'm sure you're aware that it can be a little more challenging when we're 'single parents'- who've been thru many of our own challenges, therefore, so would be, the one's we meet up with.  

When someone is so young (eg early 20's), they are just beginning adulthood.. but we can get chalked up with life's experiences, as we get older.

So.. continue as you are... give it all time.  You may come to meet up with someone similar to you.

But, also be real with this... you may or you may not end up with a successful relationship ( Long term), again.

I;ve been thru a few 😕 ... usually no longer than 5 yrs- then end up being messed around... has not been easy.  I am at the point though, i rather remain single, as I ended up mentally & emotionally exhausted.. and no longer interested in that experience.. So, I am on my own & fine with that.  I have a cpl grown kids, just getting started, who I am close with ❤️ .. and a cpl pets .. I have my small circle of friends & my parents.

I do not 'need' anyone.  ( I do not really want either..lol). - BUT, that is just me & where I am with my life 🙂 .

Carry on as you are .. you're not done yet 😉 .

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My professor friend -single mom -met her second husband when her daughter was about 6 or so and she was in her 30s - met him about a year after the divorce was final.  They met through an online dating site -he was single and I believe never married no kids.  They got engaged and married within a year or so, happily married now for a good couple of years.

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From the perspective of a son currently raised by a single mother, I can assure you that it’s definitely a possibility.

14 hours ago, Millenimom said:

I want to know, truly and honestly if a 30 year old single mom can ever find love. Corny question it may seem, but I will describe myself and my concerns. I am, as I said 30 years old. I have one five year old daughter from a marriage to my ex husband. I have a Master’s degree and make almost 60k a year (I wish money and degrees didn’t matter in the world, but...they do).

In fact my mother has nearly the same personal attributes as you do—masters degree, about same pay (won’t specify here), young-looking for her age, three children. Though she lost her husband (deceased) at about the age of 37. But even a couple years after, she had a relationship with a divorced man she knew (though she never continued for reasons having to do with the concerns of her children).

But essentially, it is certainly possible. The likelihood may not be in your favor because some men simply just aren’t ready to have a child yet—that was the deal with my mother: you don’t just want a man who’s respectable to you, but to you and the fact that you have children. Because if the emotional maturity of the relationship isn’t there to begin with, then you’re building on a precarious foundation that can have the potential to fall apart.


Your situation when finding love is not just to find another man, but to find another heart. You may be better off looking for one who has come from the same experiences (or similar) to you. That’s why my mother could connect with a divorced person. It’s all about finding a connection, and unfortunately sometimes, dating men that have never had children will lag behind in that connection, for they either lack emotional maturity, experience, etc. 

Hope this helps!! (I tried)

 

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Well I'm a 36-year-old woman with no kids and it's been really difficult for me too. I think dating is just very hard in general. If you think that having your daughter may be the issue, have you tried dating guys that also have kids? I mean, they can't reject you for having a child if they have kids of their own. Unfortunately yes maybe some men who don't have kids either want to meet a childless woman and have kids of their own, or maybe they don't want kids at all, so don't want to be a step parent. But some childless men may still be fine with it.

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4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I'm a 36-year-old woman with no kids and it's been really difficult for me too. I think dating is just very hard in general. If you think that having your daughter may be the issue, have you tried dating guys that also have kids? I mean, they can't reject you for having a child if they have kids of their own. Unfortunately yes maybe some men who don't have kids either want to meet a childless woman and have kids of their own, or maybe they don't want kids at all, so don't want to be a step parent. But some childless men may still be fine with it.

I've never tried to date when I had a child -I'm married- but it's far more complicated for single women with kids -on a practical and emotional level.  For example yes I married the family when I got married so getting along with my in-laws was really important but getting along with a child -is not just "getting along" for example.  The only "chlldless" men I know of are men who don't have children and don't want children - in a dating context that it how I would define it -because someone without children might want to have/adopt a child in the future so it's important to know. 

And of course both men and women might not want more children.  It's not rejection if a man declines to date a woman with a child even if he has a child.  There are so many factors -it's not like - "I have a dog and you have a dog so of course you'll be ok with two dogs".  At least, not really like that LOL.

I wanted children badly.  And I did not want to be a stepparent.  I went on a few dates with one man with kids and knew it was wrong when he said he'd want me to stay over with the kids in the apartment (eventually).  I dated someone with a pregnant ex girlfriend and thought about stepparenting and ended it shortly after she gave birth and saw how he had to stay over her place to help -I trusted him and also knew it wasn't right for me.  It's complicated.

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I didn't find it particularly difficult to date after my divorce. I had boundaries such as I would not have a man over (and certainly not to stay overnight!!) when my kids were with me. I just felt it was inappropriate.  My kids did not go along on dates. No "family" dates either. My kids were completely separated from my dating life. I wasn't going to have them get attached to a man who might not be around long term.

Of course I could do this because I did not intend to ever marry again. So I did more of a "serial monogamy" type thing where I would date a man for a couple of years to 4 years (the longest relationship I had). 

None of the men had issues with me being a mother other than the last one, who thought I should be willing to leave my kids alone overnight to spend the night with him. As if.

Yes, definitely be picky. You would anyway but certainly when there are children involved. And there are many lovely single fathers out there who are looking for a woman like you.

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