How to make BF buy me things on city vacation

[AmySher]

 I just got back together with my bf after he said he regretted breaking up. We are planning to meet at some point for a few days for a city break and he is booking accommodation and paying for flights. He said he would treat me once we were there. How do I make sure that he does and doesn't take me for granted and I felt I put more into the relationship than him and I just don't want him to do that again, I treated him more when we went out before we broke up and now I feel as though I deserve the same back. He said he would treat me on a shopping trip, how do I make sure that happens? I want to have sex of course but I don't know if that will make him less likely to buy me things. I know I sound demanding, but he said he would and honestly I deserve it. i just don't want to be disappointed if he is cheap even though he makes more than me. Can anyone give me some practical tips for making sure he spoils me this time. 

[Jibralta]

10 minutes ago, AmySher said:

He said he would treat me once we were there. How do I make sure that he does and doesn't take me for granted

You can always say, "I thought this was your treat."

Does he usually go back on his word?

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, AmySher said:

We are planning to meet at some point for a few days for a city break and he is booking accommodation and paying for flights.

Is this a distance relationship? How long have you been dating? What was the breakup about? Let him pay for meals. No one can "take you for granted" unless you let them.

[AmySher]

Thank you Jibralta thats a good idea, I will!

Wiseman2- I agree with you 🙂 We broke up because of lockdown, it was too hard for him and he wanted to break things off (even though I was willing to put the effort in). Honestly, It worked out because now that we are kinda coming out of lockdown we can see each other again. We were together for 6 months and then broke up in January and got back together 2 weeks ago. I'm gonna make him pay for meals and offer on a few but I want him to buy me actual gifts. He makes good money and Ill be annoyed if he doesn't when he said he would.

Im glad you both understand and aren't attacking me for being entitled!

[MissCanuck]

This is not how healthy relationships function, OP. You can't make anyone buy you things, nor should you. That is plain entitled. 

if he isn't the type to keep his word on treating you, you end it. You don't try to force him to do things he isn't naturally interested in doing. 

 

[AmySher]

Ok thats fair MissCanuck and you are probably right. I'll just have to see what he does, I just want to nudge him in the right direction because he said that being romantic isn't something he is used to but he wants to be and my love language is receiving gifts. Maybe I shouldn't feel like I deserve anything, but he makes a lot more money than me but I spent more on him before we broke up, so I want that reciprocated to be honest. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is not how healthy relationships function, OP. You can't make anyone buy you things, nor should you. That is plain entitled. 

if he isn't the type to keep his word on treating you, you end it. You don't try to force him to do things he isn't naturally interested in doing. 

 

This.  If you need to make him pay your way -is that something enjoyable to you?  So what if he makes good money -maybe he wants to save his money for the future, his future family, his current family.  Or wants to spend it on himself.  It's not about how much money someone makes.  With this exception. If he wants to go on a vacation you cannot afford on your own then you tell him you can go but you can't afford to pay all of your own way.  

If he's promised to buy you something he should keep the promise. That's also different.  Why do you feel you deserve material things from your boyfriend? Is that what mainly gives you pleasure? Do you buy yourself material things or save up for them? I wouldn't analyze what would make him more or less likely to motivate him to buy you things.  I would simply watch his actions and if he actually promised to buy you things then he should keep his promise.  If he breaks the promise I'd think you wouldn't want to be with him -not because you didn't get your things but because he isn't trustworthy. 

[Lambert]

Sounds like there is a lot of resentment and bitterness on your end.  If you have not forgiven this guy, rightly or wrongly so, why did you agree to get back with him? 

You feel he took you for granted. Does he know this is how you feel?  How has he agreed to make amends?  Did you just jump when he said he was wrong to break up with you and not use that as the opportunity to set the boundaries and expectations?  

If you just take someone back, but you never express what they need to do & hold them to it, nothing will change. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, AmySher said:

Ok thats fair MissCanuck and you are probably right. I'll just have to see what he does, I just want to nudge him in the right direction because he said that being romantic isn't something he is used to but he wants to be and my love language is receiving gifts. Maybe I shouldn't feel like I deserve anything, but he makes a lot more money than me but I spent more on him before we broke up, so I want that reciprocated to be honest. 

I would lose the whole love language thing -loving is giving.  Not receiving.   you chose to spend money on him and you don't do that expecting something in return.  What about the gift of his companionship? His caring? When he makes you laugh, when he points out something you didn't see before like a sunset or a cute cat photo? I have no clue what my love language is nor do I care -want to know what gifts my husband has given me before and during marriage - beautiful jewelry, lovely trips (that I gave him $ for and he never deposited), but you want to know the most outstanding gifts (other than marrying me/loving/caring for me of course) -he saved my life -literally -and he helped me create life -our son.  I mean - receiving gifts?? Can you top that? Think about it.

Try not to justify your need for material things by looking to some "love language" label.  It's ok to like material things.  I do, too.  So if you do save your pennies and buy stuff- much more rewarding and then you can live up to your love language -you love yourself and the way you show it is by receiving what you gift to yourself.

[AmySher]

 

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If he breaks the promise I'd think you wouldn't want to be with him -not because you didn't get your things but because he isn't trustworthy. 

Thats so true, this will be a good opportunity to see whether he sticks to his promises.

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, AmySher said:

Maybe I shouldn't feel like I deserve anything, but he makes a lot more money than me but I spent more on him before we broke up, so I want that reciprocated to be honest. 

Then it's your problem for giving and giving even when it wasn't reciprocated. 

If he isn't naturally giving towards you, you should not pressure him to do so. That is only going to make him resent you. You can't make someone be the partner that you want. You walk away if your needs and desires are unfulfilled or if he renegs on his word. Forcing him into buying you things isn't the way to go and solves nothing, because then he's only doing things to appease you and not because he is intrinsically motivated to. That will create problems, I guarantee it. 

Your mindset about all of this is quite immature, I have to say. Is tihs your first relationship? 

[AmySher]

6 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Sounds like there is a lot of resentment and bitterness on your end.  If you have not forgiven this guy, rightly or wrongly so, why did you agree to get back with him? 

You feel he took you for granted. Does he know this is how you feel?  How has he agreed to make amends?  Did you just jump when he said he was wrong to break up with you and not use that as the opportunity to set the boundaries and expectations?  

If you just take someone back, but you never express what they need to do & hold them to it, nothing will change. 

Yeah, you know there probably is a bit of bitterness that I have to work through. I did tell him how I felt and that is why he said he would treat me. Its just that I've told him how I felt- That is missed him and that I love him. He said those things back, but I don't want him to think that he is off the hook. Thats all 🙂

[AmySher]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Then it's your problem for giving and giving even when it wasn't reciprocated. 

If he isn't naturally giving towards you, you should not pressure him to do so. That is only going to make him resent you. You can't make someone be the partner that you want. You walk away if your needs and desires are unfulfilled or if he renegs on his word. Forcing him into buying you things isn't the way to go and solves nothing, because then he's only doing things to appease you and not because he is intrinsically motivated to. That will create problems, I guarantee it. 

Your mindset about all of this is quite immature, I have to say. Is tihs your first relationship? 

Yeah I get what you are saying. It is my first relationship, I know I shouldn't feel like this but I do. You are right that he should spend things on me because he wants to, not because I'm making him. Ill try and not guilt trip him and be grateful for anything he does buy me. 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, AmySher said:

I don't want him to think that he is off the hook. Thats all 🙂

Off the hook for what, exactly?

You are going to create issues if your approach is punitive. 

 

[AmySher]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Off the hook for what, exactly?

You are going to create issues if your approach is punitive. 

Well he wasn't the nicest to me before we broke up. He apologised and didn't make any excuses for his behaviour. He also recognised how I was selfless and putting his needs before my own and that he wasn't putting in the same effort. I forgive him for it but I want to make sure this won't be repeated and that he doesn't think i will tolerate him treating me like that again. He also broke up with me in a horrible way and I was really upset about it. So I told him he can't treat me like again that and we agreed that the trip is his way of showing me that he missed me and that he is going to do better. But recently I told him how much I missed him and that I still love him so I dont want him to think he has it easy now and he can go back to being how he was.

[Lambert]

10 minutes ago, AmySher said:

Yeah, you know there probably is a bit of bitterness that I have to work through. I did tell him how I felt and that is why he said he would treat me. Its just that I've told him how I felt- That is missed him and that I love him. He said those things back, but I don't want him to think that he is off the hook. Thats all 🙂

You say things like, "that's all" 

But here's the thing AmySher-- being under appreciated, taken for granted, etc is not something that can really be fixed by you.  It's him.  He has to decide and make the actions happen.  If he does. that's great....

But the problem is, you are training him that you will take him back.  That you can't do better.  That you will put him above you.  And once you do that, the other person doesn't have to appreciate you or do the right things.  They know you will give them more chances.  

Sadly, sometimes the only thing you can do is teach a person a lesson they will use to be better to the next person they date.  

He may be great on this trip, your guard is up.  But it will slip back to the old ways.  

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, AmySher said:

Well he wasn't the nicest to me before we broke up. He apologised and didn't make any excuses for his behaviour. He also recognised how I was selfless and putting his needs before my own and that he wasn't putting in the same effort. I forgive him for it but I want to make sure this won't be repeated and that he doesn't think i will tolerate him treating me like that again. He also broke up with me in a horrible way 

What do you mean by this, exactly? What did he do?

You have to understand that him buying you things does not solve such problems. It isn't going to make up for being mistreated the way you seem to think it will.

[Lambert]

4 minutes ago, AmySher said:

Well he wasn't the nicest to me before we broke up. He apologised and didn't make any excuses for his behaviour. He also recognised how I was selfless and putting his needs before my own and that he wasn't putting in the same effort. I forgive him for it but I want to make sure this won't be repeated and that he doesn't think i will tolerate him treating me like that again. He also broke up with me in a horrible way and I was really upset about it. So I told him he can't treat me like again that and we agreed that the trip is his way of showing me that he missed me and that he is going to do better. But recently I told him how much I missed him and that I still love him so I dont want him to think he has it easy now and he can go back to being how he was.

He didn't make any excuses?  I love that people think that is so noble.  

You can't make sure he this won't be repeated and he does think you will tolerate this.  Because you are tolerating it.  

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, AmySher said:

 I just got back together with my bf . We are planning to meet at some point for a few days for a city break and he is booking accommodation and paying for flights.

Is it a distance relationship? Does he have a local GF? 

[AmySher]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You have to understand that him buying you things does not solve such problems. It isn't going to make up for being mistreated the way you seem to think it will.

 

3 minutes ago, Lambert said:

You can't make sure he this won't be repeated and he does think you will tolerate this.  Because you are tolerating it.  

 Yeah you know what, maybe I'm being a bit naive. He is 10 years older than me and he knows this is my first relationship. I reckon Ill have to be observant of what he says and then does on this trip. I can't just believe him from what he says, no matter how mature I think he took the criticism of why are relationship needs to be better. 

[AmySher]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it a distance relationship? Does he have a local GF? 

No but I would have no way to be sure. I just trust that he doesn't. I do trust him with not being a cheater. He said he only cheated once in a previous relationship and that he would never do it again because he hates one night stands. I have no way of knowing if he messages other girls but I have a good feeling that he doesn't.

[MissCanuck]

Can you elaborate on the way he mistreated you before you broke up, and the horrible way he broke up with you?

[AmySher]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Can you elaborate on the way he mistreated you before you broke up, and the horrible way he broke up with you?

No its nothing bad. He never hit me or anything, I certainly wouldn't get back with him if that was the case! 

[Lambert]

Just now, AmySher said:

 

 Yeah you know what, maybe I'm being a bit naive. He is 10 years older than me and he knows this is my first relationship. I reckon Ill have to be observant of what he says and then does on this trip. I can't just believe him from what he says, no matter how mature I think he took the criticism of why are relationship needs to be better. 

Dump this guy.  Don't waste your life on a guy 10 years older but 10 years less mature.  Find someone your age & in your town, that doesn't need fixed.  You're dating a project.  I don't know your ages, but if he is 10 years older, he is probably unable to find a woman his age.  Because an older woman would not be putting up with his crap.

I know when I was in my first relationship, I stuck with it and put with a lot of crap.  I thought that is what love is... sticking by someone.  But that's not what love is.  Happy, healthy, equally invested relationships don't have these kinds of problems.  The under appreciated problem is a giant red flag and should never be tolerated.  I feel may be you are being manipulated.  

[Lambert]

Just now, AmySher said:

No its nothing bad. He never hit me or anything, I certainly wouldn't get back with him if that was the case! 

WHOA!  Physical violence is the worst.  But you should never say, he didn't hit me or anything.  

GF, you need to run from this relationship.  your perspective is way off.