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Hi I need relationship advice, I’ve been with a girl for two years. She says she loves me but her parents don’t like me. I found out she is keeping me hidden from her folks and denying to them we’re are in a relationship. I don’t know what to feel, hurt and betrayed is how I feel I don’t know whether to end it or keep being hidden. I love the girl and don’t want to lose her but I also don’t want to be kept a damn secret 

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17 minutes ago, Hereforhelp said:

I’ve been with a girl for two years. . I found out she is keeping me hidden from her folks and denying to them we’re are in a relationship. 

Is there a cultural, religious, age or other difference? How is it after 2 years you never met her parents? Is this a distance relationship?  Is she scheduled for an arranged  marriage? 

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She is white I am Hispanic, I met here parents before. I was allowed in to there house even stay over, I argued with there parents once because they kept trying to get in between the relationship. I told them if I make their daughter happy why can’t she be with me and spend her time with me. That she was old enough to decide for herself what makes her happy and they need to respect it. Ever since that it’s been a roller coaster and she keeps denying me to her parents. It been almost a year now since she has done that and we are going on three now together. I love her to death makes me happy and she ourselves together in the future. She doesn’t want to make her parents mad and I  keep telling her you have to decide  what makes you happy and not let your parents decide for you. We have been seeing each other less and less and the conversation are getting worse. I can’t tell her anything because she flips a switch on me and I’m the bad guy in this.

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14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:
14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is there a cultural, religious, age or other difference? How is it after 2 years you never met her parents? Is this a distance relationship?  Is she scheduled for an arranged  marriage?

 

2 minutes ago, Hereforhelp said:

 

She is white I am Hispanic, I met here parents before. I was allowed in to there house even stay over, I argued with there parents once because they kept trying to get in between the relationship. I told them if I make their daughter happy why can’t she be with me and spend her time with me. That she was old enough to decide for herself what makes her happy and they need to respect it. Ever since that it’s been a roller coaster and she keeps denying me to her parents. It been almost a year now since she has done that and we are going on three now together. I love her to death makes me happy and she ourselves together in the future. She doesn’t want to make her parents mad and I  keep telling her you have to decide  what makes you happy and not let your parents decide for you. We have been seeing each other less and less and the conversation are getting worse. I can’t tell her anything because she flips a switch on me and I’m the bad guy in this.

 

 

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15 minutes ago, Hereforhelp said:

She is white I am Hispanic, I met here parents before. I argued with there parents once because they kept trying to get in between the relationship. 

She lives at home and is financially dependent on her parents? How old is she? Do her parents dislike you because of cultural issues or dislike you personally? 

Unfortunately telling her parents off while you were a guest in there house didn't go well. 

She needs to make up her mind rather than slink around deceiving her parents and stringing you along.

Sorry to say, she's not a quality girl. Consider ending it if she continues to insist you be her dirty little secret. She'll eventually break your heart and do what her parents want.

 

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She lives at home and is financially dependent on her parents? How old is she? Do her parents dislike you because of cultural issues or dislike you personally? 

Unfortunately telling her parents off while you were a guest in there house didn't go well. 

She needs to make up her mind rather than slink around deceiving her parents and stringing you along.

Sorry to say, she's not a quality girl. Consider ending it if she continues to insist you be her dirty little secret. She'll eventually break your heart and do what her parents want.

 

We are both 27 she has a job but is dependent on the for a house hold she has personal bills but that’s all. I want to assume it’s a personality issue since I spoke up to them under there roof. I was feed up at them not letting her make her own decisions it wasn’t the proper thing to do but I wasn’t disrespectful to them either. I’ve been thinking about breaking it off with her when I brought it up she agreed with it but a week later she was be texting me saying she wants to be together. I don’t understand how that’s possible it’s like that saying you don’t know what you have till it’s gone. I gave it a shot and told her to do what makes her happy I got off the phone with her about three hours ago. I thought she confessed to them and told them about me but that’s not the case. I asked her when is she going to tell them she said I don’t know with no confidence in her voice. I am seeing her in a little to talk I don’t know what to really say though. You have a point it seems like this isn’t going anywhere soon or ever 

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You're right, she needs to make up her mind.  She either continues to do what her parents want, or she tells them that she's going to be with you.  She can't expect you to keep hanging around like a dirty secret - totally disrespectful to you.  Time for "the talk". Lay your cards on the table, say what you mean, and mean what you say. It's either them, or you.

 

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9 hours ago, Hereforhelp said:

We are both 27 she has a job but is dependent on the for a house hold she has personal bills but that’s all. 

Ok. So she's living with her parents they house support and pay all her bills? At 27?

She's a spoiled brat who's leading you on. She's being dishonest with everyone involved and uses everyone involved.

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It's not a good idea pitting yourself against any family relatives. The greater the tension, the less and less being together becomes a reality. Unfortunately, this isn't the movies. You're learning the hard way that dating someone should come with some autonomy and though those relationships are interconnected, balance is needed.

She isn't able to balance a romantic relationship with her other relationships so she's likely not a good option for any sort of lasting relationship.

What else do you know about her? Is she studying or going to school? Is she saving up for something else? Are her parents both healthy? Is this long distance or do you live locally to each other?

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. So she's living with her parents they house support and pay all her bills? At 27?

She's a spoiled brat who's leading you on. She's being dishonest with everyone involved and uses everyone involved.

I spoke with her last night she said that she is lost in life right now, she’s not happy with herself. That she doesn’t know if she can give me everything I need. She asked me what I want her to do and she would do it. I said I’m not like that no point in forcing the relationship if she doesn’t know what she wants. Same conversation we have had over and over, I just want her to be able to come out the closet about me and give me time out of her day show effort that she wants to make this work. Yes she still lives with mom and pop’s, she has had a rough year.

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13 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

It's not a good idea pitting yourself against any family relatives. The greater the tension, the less and less being together becomes a reality. Unfortunately, this isn't the movies. You're learning the hard way that dating someone should come with some autonomy and though those relationships are interconnected, balance is needed.

She isn't able to balance a romantic relationship with her other relationships so she's likely not a good option for any sort of lasting relationship.

What else do you know about her? Is she studying or going to school? Is she saving up for something else? Are her parents both healthy? Is this long distance or do you live locally to each other?

I agree I wasn’t in the right to speak up to her parents and yes I’m learning from it the hard way. She didn’t finish college and works as a cashier for a service department. She recently bought a new car I told her to wait her car was reliable and would last her awhile. I personally would have used the down payment money on getting a apartment and having the rest of the money for rent and utilities so it’s not hard on her the first couple of months. Both her parents are healthy and together still I don’t know how since there has been cheating going on between them. Local relationship we probably live 15 min from each other.

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16 minutes ago, Hereforhelp said:

 she still lives with mom and pop’s.

That in itself is a red flag. Add to this that she keeps you a secret and it seems to add up to unhappiness all the way around. Consider ending it rather giving her repeated chances.

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17 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

You're right, she needs to make up her mind.  She either continues to do what her parents want, or she tells them that she's going to be with you.  She can't expect you to keep hanging around like a dirty secret - totally disrespectful to you.  Time for "the talk". Lay your cards on the table, say what you mean, and mean what you say. It's either them, or you.

 

😂 made me laugh “the talk”, I honestly don’t know how long I can take it not very long that’s for sure. She is a nice and caring person goofy at times, when we first started dating we hit it off now it’s a train wreck.

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Does she have any intention of becoming an adult and not being dependent on her parents?   Does she plan to furthering her education?

Edited by Hollyj
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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That in itself is a red flag. Add to this that she keeps you a secret and it seems to add up to unhappiness all the way around. Consider ending it rather giving her repeated chances.

I just have to face it and break off from her. We are both going to hurt and feel like *** for a bit. Hopefully I’m strong enough to do it and she understands how much I put up with her and how devoted I am. I wasn’t mr perfect either I put her though tough situations to due to medical problems I have but I didn’t treat her like she’s been treating me when she has a say in it. I guess I’m living in the past thinking it could return how it was at first.

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Life is too short to be with someone who isn’t sure about you. Both parties need to put in the same amount of effort for the relationship, otherwise it leads to one feeling under appreciated and the other feeling suffocated (not that you’re suffocating her at all, but she’s so indecisive and that lack of intention and clarity will only create a bigger wedge between you over time.)

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5 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Does she has any intention of becoming an adult and not being dependent on her parents?   Does she plan to furthering her education?

Not anytime soon maybe towards the end of the year. She is not going back to college she is contempt with her current job.

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25 minutes ago, Hereforhelp said:

I agree I wasn’t in the right to speak up to her parents and yes I’m learning from it the hard way. She didn’t finish college and works as a cashier for a service department. She recently bought a new car I told her to wait her car was reliable and would last her awhile. I personally would have used the down payment money on getting a apartment and having the rest of the money for rent and utilities so it’s not hard on her the first couple of months. Both her parents are healthy and together still I don’t know how since there has been cheating going on between them. Local relationship we probably live 15 min from each other.

I'd pay attention to this. Differences in the way you choose how to live or lifestyle choices are fundamental. You're not agreeing on the family ties and you're also not agreeing on her lifestyle choices. I think you have to get comfortable that this is the life she is choosing versus trying to change her into someone she's not. 

It may be the case that she likes dating you but doesn't see a future with you, especially due to the family relationships issue. 

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11 minutes ago, Hereforhelp said:

Not anytime soon maybe towards the end of the year. She is not going back to college she is contempt with her current job.

How does she become independent from them?   

She has kept you a secret, I think that you need to decide how much longer you will tolerate this.  She sounds very immature.

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The right solution is to break it off with her.....maybe down the road she will appreciate you and go forward with a future with you...if not you are best be moving on and not waste your life "waiting" for her to make up her mind.

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10 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I'd pay attention to this. Differences in the way you choose how to live or lifestyle choices are fundamental. You're not agreeing on the family ties and you're also not agreeing on her lifestyle choices. I think you have to get comfortable that this is the life she is choosing versus trying to change her into someone she's not. 

It may be the case that she likes dating you but doesn't see a future with you, especially due to the family relationships issue. 

The truth hurts what if I’m looking for a commitment and want to settle down. When she is not ready for commitment  I haven’t seen eye to eye with the her family. What would you do if you had a daughter who kept complaining about a sharp pain on her side frequently? I know how they handled it and it pissed me off ever since then we haven’t got along. She had been staying over and had pain I called her family on what to do because it wasn’t a new thing, they just said give her cold water and it’ll pass. I forced her to go to the hospital and she needed surgery to remove the gallbladder since it was causing her issues. I called her parents to let them know she was going to get surgery that same night what hospital we were at and if they could come to support her. None of them came to check on her I stayed with her all night long nobody showed up. They should up in the morning how the hell are you not going to come in the middle of the night when they are going to perform surgery on her.It just seems like they influence her decisions quiet a bit.

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20 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

The right solution is to break it off with her.....maybe down the road she will appreciate you and go forward with a future with you...if not you are best be moving on and not waste your life "waiting" for her to make up her mind.

This seems to be the majority of the opinions. I hope we both face the situation with our minds made up and don’t regret it down the road.

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3 minutes ago, Hereforhelp said:

The truth hurts what if I’m looking for a commitment and want to settle down. When she is not ready for commitment  I haven’t seen eye to eye with the her family. What would you do if you had a daughter who kept complaining about a sharp pain on her side frequently? I know how they handled it and it pissed me off ever since then we haven’t got along. She had been staying over and had pain I called her family on what to do because it wasn’t a new thing, they just said give her cold water and it’ll pass. I forced her to go to the hospital and she needed surgery to remove the gallbladder since it was causing her issues. I called her parents to let them know she was going to get surgery that same night what hospital we were at and if they could come to support her. None of them came to check on her I stayed with her all night long nobody showed up. They should up in the morning how the hell are you not going to come in the middle of the night when they are going to perform surgery on her.It just seems like they influence her decisions quiet a bit.

But they did show up the next morning. They might have thought that you were with her and they will also have to care for her post-surgery when she is home hence needing the sleep also that night. Was this in the past year with covid? I know gallbladder surgery and the aftercare well. I had an old ex boyfriend who had gallstones and he had to have it removed also. 

I know you're upset but dial it back a bit because you're hurting yourself. I don't think her parents are bad parents but if you've got it set in your mind that they mistreat her, I think it's a little misplaced. Unfortunately I don't think this is going to go anywhere as long as you have issues with her parents or them with you. 

If you can let things smooth over and let things blow over, there may be a chance but you seem very upset with them.

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28 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

How does she become independent from them?   

She has kept you a secret, I think that you need to decide how much longer you will tolerate this.  She sounds very immature

She is the only one that knows the answer to when she will be independent. 

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7 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

But they did show up the next morning. They might have thought that you were with her and they will also have to care for her post-surgery when she is home hence needing the sleep also that night. Was this in the past year with covid? I know gallbladder surgery and the aftercare well. I had an old ex boyfriend who had gallstones and he had to have it removed also. 

I know you're upset but dial it back a bit because you're hurting yourself. I don't think her parents are bad parents but if you've got it set in your mind that they mistreat her, I think it's a little misplaced. Unfortunately I don't think this is going to go anywhere as long as you have issues with her parents or them with you. 

If you can let things smooth over and let things blow over, there may be a chance but you seem very upset with them.

It was before COVID when families were allowed to be in the same room with them. I would take her stuff and spend the nights with her so she wouldn’t feel alone and go over whenever her parents left during the day, I was happy to be by her side. I understand I have to learn their ways of handling things. If they don’t give me the chance or she doesn’t want me to I have no where to go but be stuck. I have seizures, panic attacks, and borderline personality disorder I take medicine that makes me very sedated and look out of it. That’s a issue for them cause I’ve looked like a zombie when I was first put on them. I know that’s a issue maybe think I can’t provide for her or make her happy. I love her to death and would do anything for her.

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