Really unique ex situition

[Losingmymind4]

Background: I’m 28M, she’s 45F

We had mutual friends and became friends for 5-6 months before this happened.

One day she texted we should go on a road trip, the next day we make the 4.5hr drive to LA for The Weeknd, the first night there we were playing poker and she texted we should go back to the hotel and drink n play games.

we have a couple drinks then she changes into just a big t shirt n no pants and sits on my bed and we start playing. 
I didn’t make a move at all. 
 

On the way back from the trip we got to talking about life, relationships etc.

couple days after being back I asked her what was up with that night. She admitted to wanting to hookup. 
that’s when I threw out the idea of just friends with benefits. At first she was hesitant because of our age but we agreed. 

This went on for 2 months then she complained about her Roommate situation for a week straight then I finally said why don’t you just move in with me. 
 
fastfoward a year n half later we break up she moves back to her home country.

and we don’t speak for a year then when I was drunk at my sisters wedding I called her and apologized for how I treated her in the relationship. 
 6 months go by and we’ll talk rarely until she asks me for a favor, to send someone money and she’ll pay me back in couple weeks when she comes to town.

she comes to town in October  and I let her stay with me. First night, I sleep on the couch, 2nd night she says i can sleep in the bed with her. We end up sleeping together and it was just sex. 
origanlly she was only supposed to be in town for 3 days but kept extending it for a total of 10 days & In those 10 days we talked about me coming to visit to hangout and help her with her job. 

 We decided I’d come end of December so she plans a trip to where I live with her sister for Christmas and we’ll fly back together.

I spent everyday with them, driving them around shopping and eating etc. and in those 10 days I went from looking at her as just a friend to deeply in love with her and wanting her back in my life for good. 

On the plane she was tired so she layed down and put her feet on top of me and I gave her a foot massage for couple hours... 

after a week up here I initiated sex and she said no because she knows I have feelings for her and she doesn’t feel the same way so she can’t do that to me.

3 days later we were watching a movie and she randomly said “okay let’s have sex” followed by “but this is just sex. I don’t have feelings and this can’t happen again” 

2 weeks later I left because it’s just painful to be around her 24/7 and not have her reciprocate the same feelings. 
 
she texted me 3 days after I got home and offered me 20% of her business because she really needs help and she feels bad for the way she was such a *** to me while I was here.

I come back up and it’s going okay, I’m trying to play it cool, then one night We fought and I told her I don’t want the 20% I just want to help you. The very night night i was helping her & I was losing a big sum of money and she said “if your not an *** Tonifht we can have sex” 

1 week later same thing she uses sex as a way to get me to stay up here and help her.

3 weeks go by and In that 3 weeks we were arguing and she said “if I didn’t care about you i would have said okay let’s get back together, sleep with you & used your help then when I didn’t need ur help break up with you and send you on a plane”

Thursday night I told her “I can’t continue to help you, i financially can’t continue doing this” 

her response was a cold “I’m not forcing you to stay here” 

I was in the bath when this convo happened and her daughter is staying with her for couple days so I gave her the spare room & I’m sleeping on the couch. When i got out of the bath she was on the couch watching a movie and I asked her for a pillow and she said ya later.

after the movie she went in her room and when I asked her for a pillow she expained she uses 1 for her leg and 2 to sleep on so I can use the couch pillows.

She was that mad/anoyyed that I’m leaving that she would give me a pillow :/

yesterday she had errands to run so we didn’t speak much at all.

tonight she has her business and last night she talking to her daughter and said oh why doesn’t he come home with you so she’s not including me in helping her which is good. 

her business is like 40% better since I came up her the 2nd time. It will still struggle 100% if I leave but it’s not at total risk now so she doesn’t need me as much.  
 

When we were dating I was a *** so In the last 3 weeks I tried to do everything completely opposite. I wake up earlier then her so I would wake up, clean up her mess in the living room; walk our/her dog. Then make her coffee.

I would clean the kitchen everyday etc.

basically I become a weak controlled person when im not even dating this woman. 
 

 

 

 

 

[Losingmymind4]

Sorry for the long wall of text I’m just losing my mind because all I want is her to love me like she did when we were together.. she loved unconditionally and gave it 150% but I ***ed it off.

from everything I just described you think there’s any way of re attracting that love.

she’s said she loves me to death atleast 5 times since being up here.

she even went as far as to say your like my little brother now, my sister treats you like our little brother.

but if you view me as your little brother why would you sleep with me 2 weeks ago?

[Jambalaya421]

dude, step away from the siruation and look at it from a distance.... this is not sustainable.avoid conflict, make love one last time and bolt brother.

 

the age difference and now she treats you like shiz. start detaching and leeeeeet goooooooooooooo

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Losingmymind4 said:

but if you view me as your little brother why would you sleep with me 2 weeks ago?

So that you keep giving her money and being her servant.

[Wiseman2]

How long were you dating altogether? What is the longest time you actually dated without on/off, up/down, distance etc.?

It's unclear...She moved in with you or was staying with you? 

It's also unclear because you're going on and on about foot massages and pillows and other trivia then keep referring to each of you 'acting like aholes'.

What is it you want out of this? Clearly it's a lot of drama but where's it going and where do you want it to go?

[Losingmymind4]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long were you dating altogether? What is the longest time you actually dated without on/off, up/down, distance etc.?

It's unclear...She moved in with you or was staying with you? 

It's also unclear because you're going on and on about foot massages and pillows and other trivia then keep referring to each of you 'acting like aholes'.

What is it you want out of this? Clearly it's a lot of drama but where's it going and where do you want it to go?

We started sleeping together strictly for sex and companionship. After 4 weeks of that she moved in with me and shortly after we we were a couple. 
we dated for a year n half then we broke up and she moved back to Canada. 
 

the foot massages thing comes from while we were in my hometown with her and her sister before we left to Canada, we were at the outlet mall and she was going to try on a pair of jeans and told me to just come in with her..

Then On our way to Canada I gave her a hour n half foot massage. 
so those things coupled together make me believe she is interested in rekindling the relationship  

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Losingmymind4 said:

We started sleeping together strictly for sex and companionship. After 4 weeks of that she moved in with me and shortly after we we were a couple. 
we dated for a year n half then we broke up and she moved back to Canada. 

Ok, you dodged a bullet. 

[SooSad33]

Sorry, this is not 'unique'.  She's been using you.

As she said, just a fwb.  She never had 'feelings' for you, sorry 😕 .

5 hours ago, Losingmymind4 said:

I asked her what was up with that night. She admitted to wanting to hookup. 
that’s when I threw out the idea of just friends with benefits. At first she was hesitant because of our age but we agreed. 

That was it, from the start...

 

5 hours ago, Losingmymind4 said:

after a week up here I initiated sex and she said no because she knows I have feelings for her and she doesn’t feel the same way so she can’t do that to me.

Right, and which she shouldn't have gone there again & again.

 

5 hours ago, Losingmymind4 said:

she even went as far as to say your like my little brother now, my sister treats you like our little brother.

This is how she see's you, like a little brother.

 

5 hours ago, Losingmymind4 said:

2 weeks later I left because it’s just painful to be around her 24/7 and not have her reciprocate the same feelings. 

Exactly! . You should have left long ago, but you kept giving in.

 

5 hours ago, Losingmymind4 said:

from everything I just described you think there’s any way of re attracting that love.

No.  YOU came to have feelings.  She just wanted sex.

 

Sorry, you got caught up in all of this... but when you ended it the first time, is where it should have remained.. Nothing changed, except your feelings.

She is mid 40's and you are still in your 20's... when a couple have this much of a gap- is a HUGE difference.  Totally lacking in experience, you are. She's way ahead of you in that..

She's been around a while longer.

Again, sorry you got taken for such a ride, it hurts 😞 .

But was an experience you best remember and how/when to cut things off.

[Capricorn3]

She's been using you from the get go.  She takes what she can, when she can.  You're a convenience, someone to go to when she's bored or needs help, or needs money etc.  She's a user, toxic, dysfunctional. She's bad news.

If you want to save your sanity, stay away from this hot mess and drama. 

[Losingmymind4]

On 4/10/2021 at 3:49 PM, SooSad33 said:

Sorry, this is not 'unique'.  She's been using you.

As she said, just a fwb.  She never had 'feelings' for you, sorry 😕 .

That was it, from the start...

 

Right, and which she shouldn't have gone there a

This is how she see's you, like a little brother.

 

Exactly! . You should have left long ago, but you kept giving in.

 

No.  YOU came to have feelings.  She just wanted sex.

 

Sorry, you got caught up in all of this... but when you ended it the first time, is where it should have remained.. Nothing changed, except your feelings.

She is mid 40's and you are still in your 20's... when a couple have this much of a gap- is a HUGE difference.  Totally lacking in experience, you are. She's way ahead of you in that..

She's been around a while longer.

Again, sorry you got taken for such a ride, it hurts 😞 .

But was an experience you best remember and how/when to cut bc

 

thank you everybody for taking time to respond and offer insight.

so we started having strictly sex in 2017 a month later it was her that caught feelings and while we were dating it was always her that put 100% into the relationship when I put in 40% 

basically In the 2 years we dated I broke up with her 3 times and that only lasted 1-2 weeks max. 
we broke up for good in 2019. 
 

But I completely agree with everyone that In the last 4 months I’ve been getting 100% used and now that I told her I’m not helping her with her business anymore she’s just very very distant or just straight up ignoring me. 
 Although she never treated me good while I’ve been up here.

Anyways I’m in the middle of booking my ticket back to Vegas 😬

home here I come

[Rose Mosse]

If you still care about her, that's not going anywhere. I wouldn't fight it. Just let it be and move forward working on your life, career, interests at home. Put away any other thoughts of flying to help her. Relationships are a two-way street.

Maybe you were hoping more of a romance would be rekindled in the process while you had good intentions all along. It didn't have a good feel, so move forwards from this. Don't look back. 

[Tanzi]

This woman has used from start to finish.  I don't see any evidence of "unconditional love" in anything you have told us.  It is the complete opposite in fact.  Being with her comes with conditions.  The biggest one seems to money.  She has treated you appallingly.