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I'm know that this is not going to end well...


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I know that this is not going to end well, but I'm apparently a glutton for punishment.

I've posted about this guy before, but didn't tell the whole truth about the situation.  But I started talking to a guy at work, he told me from get go that we needed to take it slow, but things were complicated, but that was into me.  He's married.  Not happily.  He sleeps on the floor in his 2 year old's room.  His wife is not a citizen, they never got her green card and she can't work, and they can't exactly divorce each other, yet.  She has another boyfriend and her plan is to leave and take his kids with her and move to Florida.  Which he wants to fight her on.

I'm also married, legally.  My situation is different.  Financial reasons and by the kids are the only reason we are still connected.  I know, this is a disaster 😔

When we are together, it's so nice though.  We're both off on Thursdays so we usually do something then.  We haven't had sex, have barely made it passed second base because I'm so shy.  Yesterday we were out, I wanted to hold his hand and kiss him.  But I don't even know how to make those moves anymore.  It's been so long.  Plus, most of the time, we're with 3 little boys, all under 6.  I love being with them.  But, sometimes I feel like I have more feelings invested in this then he does.  He doesn't really text me first anymore.  I usually make all of the plans.  I told him that if he doesn't want me to talk to him anymore to just let me know, and he always says no, he still wants to talk to me and to relax.  That if he didn't want to talk or see me, that he wouldn't do it.

The other day though I asked if he wanted to take the kids to the zoo and he said yes, but then he said that his wife wanted to come.  So I told him that I couldn't do that, that it was awkward.  I did text him and tell him that I feel like the gods are sending me a sign that maybe I shouldn't be talking to him anymore (sorry, we're pagans).  He told me that our fate has already been decided and that there wasn't anything to do about it, we were just along for the ride.  So I told him that that was fine, but I didn't know if I should be riding with him or not and that I felt like I was going to get hurt.  He told me that I was a free woman but that he had no intentions of hurting me.  Then I asked what his intentions were? Like what were we doing?  He said that he was a trapped man in a marriage that wasn't even a marriage anymore.  That things were so messed up and complicated and that he told me that from the get go.  I told him that I didn't know what to do?  Should I stop talking to him and move on?  Still be friends? But not like we are  now?  He said to just live day by day.

He texted me the next morning, saying that his son was asking about my son.  I asked what he thought that I should do, he told me to come even if his wife did come, that we could deal with a third wheel.  I told him ok.  She didn't come anyway, so it was a nice day out, but I know what I want to happen probably never will.  Plus, things already aren't the same as they used to be.   But every time I tell myself that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore and don't contact him, he does something that makes me keep hope.  Plus, I see him almost everyday.  How do I even try to let him go if I have to see him all the time. Even when I try to ignore him and stay away, he always finds me and tries to make me smile.

I don't know what to do or even do what I know I should do 😭.  I can't let go of the feelings or him 😭.  I even talk to other guys.  I just can't.  

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Have you gone back and reread your previous threads about this guy, and the responses to them? Might help you get a better perspective on what's happening here. 

Your husband confessed to multiple affairs just over a year ago. That was (is) very difficult for you--understandably so.

I think you're going through a lot right now, emotionally, and just grasping at this guy to help yourself feel better. But it's not helping you. It's just making you feel worse. 

"I have no intentions of hurting you" is pretty much saying, "If you get hurt, it's your own fault."

Relationships should be much more than that. They should be, "I am going to take care of you and protect you," not "It's every man for himself."

I think you need to take some time alone to heal, to wrap your mind around what really happened in your marriage, and to separate yourself from the shame of that. Your husband's actions have nothing to do with your value.

Edited by Jibralta
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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

Have you gone back and reread your previous threads about this guy, and the responses to them? Might help you get a better perspective on what's happening here. 

Your husband confessed to multiple affairs just over a year ago. That was (is) very difficult for you--understandably so.

I think you're going through a lot right now, emotionally, and just grasping at this guy to help yourself feel better. But it's not helping you. It's just making you feel worse. 

"I have no intentions of hurting you" is pretty much saying, "If you get hurt, it's your own fault."

Relationships should be much more than that. They should be, "I am going to take care of you and protect you," not "It's every man for himself."

I think you need to take some time alone to heal, to wrap your mind around what really happened in your marriage, and to separate yourself from the shame of that. Your husband's actions have nothing to do with your value.

I feel like I've been alone for the past 3 years, but I haven't healed at all.  I don't know how to heal or what to do because I see my husband all the time, too.  I actually feel guilty for not wanting to be with him, or try to work it out.  

And, multiple people have told me that I'm just holding onto this guy to make myself feel better.  And I probably am.   And I have been stressing over it, but I can never just relax and enjoy what I have.  I don't know how.  I'm not even looking for anything serious, I know I don't want anything serious.  I'd love to have this guy as like a nice friend with benefits, honestly.  But for some reason, I can't relax and just enjoy what I have.  Probably because neither one of us are in positions where we can relax. 😩

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4 hours ago, JandJMom said:

, I see him almost everyday.  How do I even try to let him go if I have to see him all the time. Even when I try to ignore him and stay away, he always finds me and tries to make me smile.

- Work related.. not good 😕 .

He is someone who's just dragging you along & yah, a mess...

BUT, you need to stop giving in to him, and give a lot of space ( since you have some feelings? relying on him..)... In order to move on & get over all of this.

Because I think you know it's not going to end well?

Save yourself.. remove self from situation- get strong with this.

2 hours ago, JandJMom said:

I'd love to have this guy as like a nice friend with benefits, honestly.

I suggest you don't.  Will do you no good! - Just mess you up more.. so often the woman will gather feelings & the guy will not.

AND.... see below.

2 hours ago, JandJMom said:

I feel like I've been alone for the past 3 years, but I haven't healed at all. 

- This.

You need to start focussing on YOU here.  Not someone to 'help you feel better'.  Doesn't work that way.

You NEED serious down time to figure yourself out.  Don't make life harder.. One thing at a time.

So- find that inner strength and get over all that's been going on.. Focus on your kid(s) and self.  ( Not the men- who are not good for you at this time).

a simpler life is always the best.

Edited by SooSad33
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5 hours ago, JandJMom said:

I feel like I've been alone for the past 3 years, but I haven't healed at all.  I don't know how to heal or what to do because I see my husband all the time, too.  I actually feel guilty for not wanting to be with him, or try to work it out.  

I think this is a big deal. Bigger than you give it credit for being. 

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Its not that complicated. Just leave. 

 

You're forgetting that there's two other individuals in your situation... regardless how bad the marriages are thats not fair for them. It's selfish. 

You guys both don't want to leave so now you're leading the other people on by staying. If you stay knowing that you'll still cheat youre basically denying those individuals a happy love life. You'll be selfishly holding onto your spouses KNOWING you're not into it anymore because u think being honest and leaving will inconvenience you. 

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You have to stop believing everything this guy tells you about his wife and the state of their marriage. It's likely nowhere near as bad and disconnected as he's telling you. 

And then you have to stop  believing that this will ever amount to anything more. 

You aren't enjoying what you "have" with him because deep-down, you know you don't have him at all. You know you are setting yourself up to get hurt. Your gut is trying to protect you from getting complacent and accepting this when you know it won't end the way you hope. 

Being friends with benefits with him is unrealistic. Being friends of any kind is unrealistic. You need to let go of this and sort out the demise of your marriage - and then decide if you want to date again. What you're doing right now is self-destructive and won't bring you happiness. 

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