Jump to content

Time to move on or keep trying?


Recommended Posts

This is a long one. Thank you in advance for reading. I have a daughter who is four years old. Her father and I’s relationship has been rocky for the last couple of years. The main issue was that he engaged in a textual relationship with an ex that had sexual undertones (images sent), and lied to me when confronted. (I had to message her to get the full story). I agreed to try to make it work after he expressed regret. About a year later, I saw texts he’d sent to friends that spoke about other women-mostly strangers, but also some friends-in very disrespectful, misogynistic ways. They were mostly in regard to ‘oh the things I’d do’ and such, comments on their appearance, who he would and would not ‘put it in’ etc. There were also texts in which he said disrespectful things about me based on disagreements that we’ve had. It was less like venting and more like laughing at me. When confronted, he got defensive, and would refuse to talk about it. This is how it continued for a long time. 

In the mean time, we split up but continued to live together until we could sell that home that I had all my money tied up in. After, I had a plan to move to another city where I had friends and he agreed. We’d live together temporarily until he found his own place. I put an offer in on a home, and when he went out for the inspection, decided he didn’t want to move back there and instead wanted to move to a different, much more expensive city, albeit one with both liked more. I objected because I was worried about how to make it work financially, but he persisted, and eventually I agreed to move there and we’d live together until we could both get on our feet. While living there, we were both on dating sites, doing a don’t ask don’t tell kind of thing. I ended up meeting someone I connected with instantly. That seemed to spark something in him, and he suddenly decided to open up to me, take his walls down, try to make it work, etc. I decided to try one more time. I saw him making honest, true changes: talking about the reasons behind his behavior, being less mean/confrontational, etc. The problem is, I already started developing feelings for someone else, and I wanted nothing to do with him sexually. We can get along fine, but I don’t have feelings any more. I feel like I killed them over the past year just trying to survive. However, now I’m being made to feel guilty for not trying, for diving in with someone else, for acting selfishly, not thinking about the family, not recognizing that he’s truly trying to change. Etc. I guess my ultimate question is, do I trust my gut feeling, and go with the fact that I don’t feel that way towards him, and continue to pursue this new life I’ve established without him, or do I dig my feet in and make it work for my daughter’s sake?

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, miasari said:

This is a long one. Thank you in advance for reading. I have a daughter who is four years old. Her father and I’s relationship has been rocky for the last couple of years. The main issue was that he engaged in a textual relationship with an ex that had sexual undertones (images sent), and lied to me when confronted. (I had to message her to get the full story). I agreed to try to make it work after he expressed regret. About a year later, I saw texts he’d sent to friends that spoke about other women-mostly strangers, but also some friends-in very disrespectful, misogynistic ways. They were mostly in regard to ‘oh the things I’d do’ and such, comments on their appearance, who he would and would not ‘put it in’ etc. There were also texts in which he said disrespectful things about me based on disagreements that we’ve had. It was less like venting and more like laughing at me. When confronted, he got defensive, and would refuse to talk about it. This is how it continued for a long time. 

In the mean time, we split up but continued to live together until we could sell that home that I had all my money tied up in. After, I had a plan to move to another city where I had friends and he agreed. We’d live together temporarily until he found his own place. I put an offer in on a home, and when he went out for the inspection, decided he didn’t want to move back there and instead wanted to move to a different, much more expensive city, albeit one with both liked more. I objected because I was worried about how to make it work financially, but he persisted, and eventually I agreed to move there and we’d live together until we could both get on our feet. While living there, we were both on dating sites, doing a don’t ask don’t tell kind of thing. I ended up meeting someone I connected with instantly. That seemed to spark something in him, and he suddenly decided to open up to me, take his walls down, try to make it work, etc. I decided to try one more time. I saw him making honest, true changes: talking about the reasons behind his behavior, being less mean/confrontational, etc. The problem is, I already started developing feelings for someone else, and I wanted nothing to do with him sexually. We can get along fine, but I don’t have feelings any more. I feel like I killed them over the past year just trying to survive. However, now I’m being made to feel guilty for not trying, for diving in with someone else, for acting selfishly, not thinking about the family, not recognizing that he’s truly trying to change. Etc. I guess my ultimate question is, do I trust my gut feeling, and go with the fact that I don’t feel that way towards him, and continue to pursue this new life I’ve established without him, or do I dig my feet in and make it work for my daughter’s sake?

I can tell you from something similar I saw happen in my parents that you staying will ultimately be worse. You both can love your child but sometimes the love between the two of you fades and that’s ok too. Seeing my mom miserable as I got older hurt me to see. Go with your gut pursue this new life and put yourself first! he had his opportunity.  Some times we have to do the thing that’s best for ourselves put yourself first you deserve it after everything . 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
56 minutes ago, miasari said:

There were also texts in which he said disrespectful things about me based on disagreements that we’ve had. It was less like venting and more like laughing at me. When confronted, he got defensive, and would refuse to talk about it. This is how it continued for a long time. 

- This, I can understand.. yes, everyone needs to 'vent; to someone now & then..

58 minutes ago, miasari said:

In the mean time, we split up but continued to live together until we could sell that home that I had all my money tied up in. After, I had a plan to move to another city where I had friends and he agreed. We’d live together temporarily until he found his own place. I put an offer in on a home, and when he went out for the inspection, decided he didn’t want to move back there and instead wanted to move to a different, much more expensive city, albeit one with both liked more. I objected because I was worried about how to make it work financially, but he persisted, and eventually I agreed to move there and we’d live together until we could both get on our feet.

- IMO, this is something you really shouldn't have done.  You two should have split up, when it was done.  ( Not agree he tag along with you - to a new place.  He should have been looking for his own) .

1 hour ago, miasari said:

we were both on dating sites, doing a don’t ask don’t tell kind of thing. I ended up meeting someone I connected with instantly. That seemed to spark something in him, and he suddenly decided to open up to me, take his walls down, try to make it work, etc. I decided to try one more time. I saw him making honest, true changes: talking about the reasons behind his behavior, being less mean/confrontational, etc. The problem is, I already started developing feelings for someone else, and I wanted nothing to do with him sexually. We can get along fine, but I don’t have feelings any more.

- So, now you realize was NOT such a good idea to go back to that...

You are not being selfish... not in a way of wanting to move on, knowing you two were done ( But I feel that maybe HE felt, as long as you were still kinda present, he had you... until...).

 

No, never try to 'make it work' because kids are involved.

You two both need to realize what's done is done and HE needs to get out!

You want to move on, then do so, with a clean slate.  He need not be near you anymore.

In order for him to see & accept any of this, is to be on his own now.  You two work out arrangements for his visitation with dtr ( look into lawyers, to have all legal).

But, enough is enough now.. right?

Get your own life going again, the way you want it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So it was OK for him to have his fun and not think about the relationship all that time but now you're the one who's wrong?

He sure is selfish, isn't he?

Is there some underlying reason why he is trying to stay together?  Did you pay for the house you two are living in?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would have a problem with the way he's turning the situation around on me if that were me. The relationship is already broken, OP. Lack of respect, misogyny, distrust, resentment, deflection.

Both of you moved for your daughter's sake and coparenting. At least separate before dating new people or inviting third parties. It's confusing for the child seeing parents fighting or disagreeing and not fully understanding why. Your child is impacted deeply by everything going on. 

Separate sooner rather than later. Don't let him twist the situation. The only outcome now should be a peaceful one working towards being coparents to your daughter.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...