I ended my relationship with my best friend, and I feel guilty.

[Soffia]

So, I'm currently not talking to my best friend anymore, so she's my ex best friend. I hid all her Instagram stories and posts, because honestly, I don't wanna see anything that she posts, it bothers me. But, I miss her sometimes. A lot. And I feel like maybe I have been too harsh on her.

I'm going to tell you what happened. I need the perspective of other people, to see if I'm wrong or right in what I feel; if it makes sense; if I was too hard on her. 

I honestly feel so, so bad and low right now, I don't know why I feel so guilty of us not talking anymore. 

This is only a little bit of what happened, a lot more happened that I haven't posted here because it would get too long.

I have known her for seven years now, and she was the best friend I would tell everything to.
I mean, EVERYTHING. We were the typical besties from high school, we would go out to parties and dance, we were so, so close and she would listen to everything I would say to her, and she would give me advice on everything. It was a lot over text though, it's not like we saw each other in person A LOT.

I love her so, so much. 

But, things started going downhill when, at a party, I kissed a girl, randomly. I was SO drunk, I was having horrible relationships with guys that wouldn't last long, and I was tired. So I was like *** it, I'm going to have fun. So, I told my bestie about this. The only thing I did was I kissed a random woman, not more. I was drunk and having fun, and tired of being rejected by men. So, my bestie started having like, weird reactions with me. For example, when we gathered together with another friend, we were talking about the best people that went 'down there' and I was talking about guys (because I never did anything with a woman like that, I don't like it), and then my bestie goes like "and a woman". With a smirk. And I was like... no. 

So, can you see? She had this random weird reaction that I disliked, and also, there was another friend there, suppose I was indeed bi, what if I didn't want my other friend to know about it? She crossed a line there. 

So, the random comments about this continued, and I started to feel uncomfortable about it. It was the way she was talking about it, assuming that I was out of the closet, when I don't like women, so I felt weird around her. 

This was one of the things that made me not want to spend time with her. 

Here goes another one: I had her on Twitter, so, randomly, one day, looking at my feed, I saw a tweet liked by her. She didn't tweet it directly, but liked it. It was a tweet talking about how people that move away to other countries are AWFUL people, and, I don't want to get into detail but she criticized it SO much. She criticized the people that move to other countries.
She knew that my sister moved to another continent two years ago, so It was hurtful to me. She knew about it, she gave me advice about it and listened to me when
I came to her for advice because I felt week missing my sister because she was away. She was there for me. On the other hand, I saw that tweet, and I couldn't understand.
Also, not only my sister moved away, but also my aunt and cousins. My heart is incomplete and I miss them so, much. 
It's something hard to go through, and the way that the tweet she liked was talking about the people that decide to move away, was so derogatory.

So I was like... I'm going to see what other stuff she liked on twitter, and oh my... why did I do that? 

I found tweets discriminating against people that have a pool (I have a pool that she always came to, when It was the summer) and against people that have air conditioners on their houses - I do have one - saying that those kind of people are people with money and they don't deserve having that.
And tweets saying that you can't say that you love the heat, or the hot weather, when you have a pool or air conditioner. That you don't have the RIGHT to say that kind of stuff if you have all that stuff in your house.

Another one, saying that, people that want to move to America -IT'S MY CASE, AND SHE KNOWS I LOVE USA!!!!!- are stupid people.

Okay...

And another one that hurt me was, it said something like "It's good to go out sometimes -at night- at parties, just so you can realise how much you don't actually want to go out", and other tweets talking *** about going out and partying, when all we did was that, and all the fun we had was partying. I was destroyed. 

Again, those tweets, she didn't tweet them directly, she did like them. So, it's like saying "I think that way" when you like tweets. You
know how twitter is, right?

So, this made me want to not see her again. She seemed not only fake, but also hypocritical. And I feel guilty for taking all those tweets personally. Maybe they werent directed to me, but, if you think like that and you agree on those awful things, what am I supposed to think? She basically criticized everything I was, everything I had, everything my family did.

Another thing she told me that I disliked was that my sign - I'm a Leo - is WEIRD. She was like. Leo's are... weird. And other comments that bothered me. Maybe I was angry at her because of the tweets tho, and I took everything the wrong way, so, whatever. 

Time passed, and I started saying NO to hangin out with her. I had to explain to one of my friends why, and I bet he told my ex bestie, because they talk about a lot of things and they are good friends.

She was the only best friend I had. And I have no best friend now. 

We talked about this, I told her everything that was on my mind and she apologised, and told me that I didn't know her, because it would be hypocritical of her
to do all of that and to tweet that kind of stuff directed to me. She was like, 'you know how twitter is all about politics and all of that, I'm sorry, and If you knew me, you'd know it would be hipocritical of me to say stuff like that and then give you advice'. So... she apologised for what she did, and according to her, she had no idea that I was feeling that way. All of this via text. I was the one sending her voice messages, she only texted me, she wouldn't dare to talk to me via voice message or video call. I was the one with balls. She told me excuses that her house was all noisy and that she couldn't send me a voice message. Come on, you can go outside where there is no noise, and take this seriously...

We haven't spoken again ever since. This was on January 2021 and we haven't texted or seen each other ever since. Also we ignore each other's posts on instagram, she doesn't like my posts and I dont like her posts either.
I was the one always telling her to go to parties when we used to hang out, the one with ideas. She had Ideas too, but I was the one with the most ideas.

She was there for me tho, and she always had my back, gave me advice... So I feel guilty that we don't talk anymore. But at the same time I feel like she does shady stuff and has another face, double face. I don't know what to think.

I don't know if I made a mistake by walking away, or if it was a good choice. The relationship is broken now, after talking everything out, what else could there be of a healthy relationship?

I really, really need advice from people from the outside, that can give me advice from their point of view. I feel really lonely, I do have friends but she was the closest friend, ever.

Help guys 😞

[DancingFool]

For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision. You and her have simply grown apart as people. This unfortunately happens often. People change a great deal as they transition from teenagers to young adults and so very few friendships survive that. It's a bit like coming to a fork in the road and your friend went right and you went left. You are no longer walking on the same path, in the same direction or seeing life in the same way. It doesn't make you bad people, just too different to get along going forward. So yes, the healthy thing to do is to let that friendship go before you both get more angry and hurt with each other.

Of course it's not easy and of course you'll miss the friendship. That's just human. However, it doesn't change the fact that you did make the right decision. Start putting energy into finding more of the your kind of people and developing those friendships.

 

[Soffia]

9 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision. You and her have simply grown apart as people. This unfortunately happens often. People change a great deal as they transition from teenagers to young adults and so very few friendships survive that. It's a bit like coming to a fork in the road and your friend went right and you went left. You are no longer walking on the same path, in the same direction or seeing life in the same way. It doesn't make you bad people, just too different to get along going forward. So yes, the healthy thing to do is to let that friendship go before you both get more angry and hurt with each other.

Of course it's not easy and of course you'll miss the friendship. That's just human. However, it doesn't change the fact that you did make the right decision. Start putting energy into finding more of the your kind of people and developing those friendships.

 

Thank you so much for your reply. Yeah, I think the same way. There are other hurtful things that she did to me, not worth mentioning... Things that you go like... well, I don't want to curse here hahaha.

It hurts, this separation. Why do I feel like she is a nice person, but at the same time, mean? This is so frustrating. 

[SooSad33]

I agree, DancingFool made some good points.

Maybe you two have just outgrown each other now and her voice/opinions are now different.

Sounds like she has kinda crossed the line a few times and struck a nerve with you.

All you have or what your family has done/experienced is okay.  Nothing was wrong or extreme, so of course you took offence to her reactions to things - you will take that personally, as you come to see how she see's stuff like this.

You have now pulled away..it's okay.  Give things time to simmer down and work on accepting, maybe she is not right to be a friends with you any longer.. it happens, a lot.

Keep moving on, you will cross paths with some real decent people again out there 🙂 .

 

[DancingFool]

30 minutes ago, Soffia said:

Thank you so much for your reply. Yeah, I think the same way. There are other hurtful things that she did to me, not worth mentioning... Things that you go like... well, I don't want to curse here hahaha.

It hurts, this separation. Why do I feel like she is a nice person, but at the same time, mean? This is so frustrating. 

Well it's natural that it hurts that the friendship had to end and it's natural to miss your friend ... or rather who she used to be. It would be really weird if you didn't feel that sense of loss and some pain.

As for this dual feeling of she is nice and not....I mean it's both, isn't it? For so many years she was nice, as in your bestie who was there for you. Now though, things have changed and she doesn't see life or hold the same opinions/beliefs anymore as she used to and you are feeling that burn. So you move away from that.

It's kind of like this - ending the friendship that is no longer working out is a temporary pain. Staying in a friendship that's starting to be toxic is making the pain go on forever. 

[Soffia]

45 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I agree, DancingFool made some good points.

Maybe you two have just outgrown each other now and her voice/opinions are now different.

Sounds like she has kinda crossed the line a few times and struck a nerve with you.

All you have or what your family has done/experienced is okay.  Nothing was wrong or extreme, so of course you took offence to her reactions to things - you will take that personally, as you come to see how she see's stuff like this.

You have now pulled away..it's okay.  Give things time to simmer down and work on accepting, maybe she is not right to be a friends with you any longer.. it happens, a lot.

Keep moving on, you will cross paths with some real decent people again out there 🙂 .

 

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. Yes, It made me feel like what I had or what my family was doing, was in fact wrong or there was something wrong or bad about it. I know she wasn't saying that directly to me, she didn't "@" me or anything, but, it still hurt.

It bothers me that I was hurt though, why couldn't just I shake it off and forget it? After all, they're just tweets about subjects. But, I don't know... I got really upset. I actually thought she didn't have that much hatred inside of her about those things that hit home.

[DancingFool]

1 hour ago, Soffia said:

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. Yes, It made me feel like what I had or what my family was doing, was in fact wrong or there was something wrong or bad about it. I know she wasn't saying that directly to me, she didn't "@" me or anything, but, it still hurt.

It bothers me that I was hurt though, why couldn't just I shake it off and forget it? After all, they're just tweets about subjects. But, I don't know... I got really upset. I actually thought she didn't have that much hatred inside of her about those things that hit home.

They are not just tweets as such. They reflect what she is leaning towards, what she believes. Even if she didn't direct it at you with ill intent...it still shows that you and her are growing apart and no longer see life in the same way. This is literally what growing apart looks like.

Your story kind of reminds of a friend of mine. We were bff's at uni and then suddenly drifted apart as she got what I can only describe as, really weird. Weird attitudes, weird behavior, we just didn't see eye to eye anymore, etc. Funny thing is that years later (5 or more) we ran into each other by accident at a concert and we reconnected. Not bff's as such, but definitely a strong friendship ongoing. Still friends and still there for each other today. Not suggesting that you wait for something like that. Simply that when you let go with kindness today, you leave the door open for the future no matter how random or unlikely it may be. People go through things.....stages...beliefs....just...'ish really. Sometimes they come back around like my friend, and sometimes they don't. Bottom line is that you've got to let go in peace. That's the nicest thing you can do for the both of you.

[Tinydance]

Well, first of all I think you definitely did the right thing to talk to your best friend about all this directly and to let her know how her Twitter posts and other behaviours made you feel. I always think that if someone upset us, we should be honest and talk to them about what bothers us, rather than just cutting them off straight away. You did give her a chance to explain herself and you even tried to talk on the phone, which she didn't want to do. She only wanted to message so you're right that it didn't look like she wanted to speak on a more personal level and work it out.

I think regarding always telling people that you kissed a girl or that you like girls. I agree with you that your best friend shouldn't have been  doing that. Even if you actually were bisexual or lesbian, it's up to you if you want to come out to people or not. This is something personal about someone's sexuality and it should be their choice if to tell people or not. I'm bisexual and I wouldn't like it if every time we go somewhere, my friend told everyone I'm bisexual. I'm out I'm general but it's my private sexuality so I don't need every single random to know. Besides, in your case you already explained to your friend that you are actually not bi, you were just drunk and having fun. So your friend should have really considered whether you want these kinds of comments made all the time, especially as you are not even bisexual and it gives off the wrong impression to everyone.

I can see why the Twitter thing would have upset you. When it comes to a best friend, I would want someone who truly accepts me and likes me as I am.  Friendship is a choice and what would be the point to be friends with someone who judges a lot of things about us. I know she didn't write the Twitter posts herself, but you're right in saying that if she likes or shares them, she agrees with those opinions.

You are also right in that it's off putting when someone is two-faced. For example, I love horror movies. All my friends know I love horror movies. I don't expect them to also like horror, but usually when I talk about horror, my best friend says: "Oh cool, enjoy the horror movie you're seeing at the cinema!" and just makes positive comments and asks questions about it. I know she's not into horror herself but I know she doesn't hate it either and supports that I like it. If I saw that my best friend is liking or sharing posts on social media that are really anti horror and saying nasty things about people that like it, I would be put off. I would think, why does she pretend she's fine with horror to my face and acts interested, when she's actually really against it? If it was many social media posts which are judging things about me and my life, I would feel hurt because I want my best friend to like me and I accept me as I am. If she doesn't like a lot of things which relate to me then I don't want a best friend who is fake, you know?

I totally get feeling guilty about ending a friendship because I just ended one too and I also feel really sad and guilty. That's considering it wasn't even my best friend (but a close friend). And I was only friends with her for 2-3 years, not 7 years. So it's very normal that you are feeling these feelings and emotions. Your best friend was a big part of your life and you had good times together.

I guess what you might like to consider is, what now? How did your best friend react to everything you said to her? Did she feel bad and apologise? Do you think you want to work it out? You don't have to continue being friends just because you have history together. Sometimes a friendship just starts to drift off because you've outgrown each other.