Should I try contacing him again or cut it off and move on

[BlairBear]

Ok, so this is a big confession but thinking about this causes me a lot of anxiety so I nedeed a space to share my experience and I found this forum. Sorry if there are spelling mistakes but it's a really long text and I'm not a native english speaker. Also I'm wiriting my first post here so I don't know if it's necessary but there are some sexual themes so if you don't want to read that here's my trigger warning. 

I'm 18 now and a few years ago when I was still in middle school I started an online friendship. I'm really shy and introverted so I didn't have any close friends at the time. It was wonderful. The guy I was talking with was much older then me, he was in his 20s, but we had an amazing connection. I remember talking with him all day everyday. I think that up to this point I never met anyone that I had so much fun talking to. We couldn't get bored of each other, had simmilar interests and when one of us had trouble we always motivated each other. I honestly felt like I found my soulmate and he said he feels that way to. The issue with this relathionship that I have is that at some point it wasn't exactly a friendship anymore. I was really young and stupid. I often shared with my friend very personal feelings and experiences. Usually it were things regarding my views of the world, relahionships, stuggles and he always listened to me and helped me which I appreciated. But what I also remember is once discusing a pretty sexual topic. I was fine with it because it was not extremly personal stuff but looking back I don't think it was ok for him as a much older person to have this type of conversation with me. As time went on sometimes he was bringing up some sexual topics in our conversations, even directly adressing a sexual attraction to me but although it creeped me out a bit it was not the majority of what we were talking about so I was fine with it. Now as I'm older, I see that what he was asking me was really not ok. The problem is I didn't really oppose and told him manny times I'm ok with it because it didn't seem like a big deal to me back then when I had literally no experience talking to guys so I can't really blame him as he did it with my consent. I thought it's normal for people to have some sexual thoughts and desiers so it's nice to have someone who you can trust enough to share them with from time to time. After we've known each other for a while one incident happened that I think changed our friendship completly and made it wired. He drunk texted me and confessed something that sounded like he was in love with me and also was asking for some sexual pictures. I got really scared and worried because he has been always a great friend to me but this was a big red flag. I told him how uncomfrotable it made me feel and that it's not ok. The next day he explained that he was drunk and he regrets what he wrote a lot. I felt bad for him because he was actually extremly embaressed and expressed clearly that he didn't want to hurt me and it was a huge mistake that he made. After that our friendship seemd normal but I got more and more uncomfortable because I noticed how affectionate we are in conversations and that considering what he wrote to me the day when he got drunk it may mean way more to him. I started thinking if maybe the sexual part of our conversations is a bigger problem then I used to think. I never sent him any sexual photos but I felt guily for sending him any photos of myself at all considering how he may view them. As I got older and had more responsibilities in high school and he also had much more responsibilities as an adult we started talking less. I checked in to say hi and give him motivation to tackle his work form time to time and he did the same for me. What conserned me is that when we were ocasionally talking he often wanted me to send him some casual picture of me becasue he missed me. I expressed I don't want to even though it were normal picutres but he was really annoying and kept asking. At some point I got so frustrated that I blocked him for one day. The next day he got really mad at me and said it was rude to do so. Maybe I overreacted but to explain my uneasiness with him pressuring me to do something I don't want to I brought back the incident form the past and some other things that bothered me. He got really irritated with me bringing up this stuff and also anxious that someone may see our conversation which was wired. He only kind of apologized after I stated really clearly that I want to actually hear from him that he understood that I want to set certain boundries and feel uncomfortable with some things he did in the past. After that we didn't really talk much. We had one conversation and it was kind of awkward. He also sent me a meme that in a very salty way hints that he feels like I did wrong and I'm the one that should apologize.

I feel like our connection after all this happend is kind of dead. I still feel like maybe I was too harsh on him and it makes me feel really bad. I did bring up a lot of accusations from the past in an agrument regarding a simple selfie, but looking back after all that happened in the past I just couldn't trust in his intentions beeing clear. His reaction in which I could feel both irritation and anxiety but no remorse also didn't help. I do feel bad because I know I gave him premission to have this conversations regarding sexual topics in the past but on the other hand he was way more mature the me so I can't disinguish if it's my fault or if he (intentionally or not intentionally) took advantage of me. I eventually decided that maybe it was not such a perfect friendship and I should block this guy. Especially after I adressed the topic and didn't really get a good reaction from him. It just feels wrong because I rember how supportive he was and how he was seriously the best friend I ever had. I'm worried I misunderstood something, I'm worried it's all my fault and this wouldn't happen if I set boundries in the past, I'm worried I got taken advantage of, I'm worried I overracted, I'm worried that I hurt him, I'm worried that I was wrong and he was not a good person. But I just feel like it's the best decision to never contact him back. It's just too wired and painfull. 

I'm not sure if this is the right place to share this but it feels really great to finally get this off my chest. What do you think everyone? It's already a lot to simply be listened to in such a sitiuation but I would also appreciate any advice and thoughts regrading my sitiuation. 

[Allienne]

I would never talk to him again. I think you did the right thing.

Children cannot give permission to adults to have sexual conversations with them. To me, all of his anger at you comes from his guilt because he knows what he did was wrong. He wants you to think that everything is your fault so that he doesn't have to face the fact that he committed a crime by interacting with a child sexually.

This is absolutely not your fault. You are a victim of an adult who made very bad decisions. You didn't misunderstand or overreact. It does not matter that he was hurt. I'm very sorry that you went through this. I'm so proud of you for cutting him off. He is 100% the one in the wrong. To me, it was not a friendship. It was a power imbalance.

[SooSad33]

Aww, no... do not feel bad for all he has done. 

You became attached to him in some ways and he crossed that line, by approaching you in the wrong ways.

Is just an experience you are familiar with now.. and how things can go. So, now you know to be careful with men... and those much older.

Sometimes, they can turn it all around- almost like 'expectations'.

Sad, as you only saw him as more your 'friend', of course he turned it all around, like sexual- totally inapropriate and no respect 😞 .

But, it is common... guys love seeing women that way.. they are 'visual' beings.

But, due to lack of respect ( and where all should have ended), was when he was drunk and asked for those pictures.

Was fine enough he had a few pictures of you- that's enough.

But, no, do not feel guilty.  He's the one who kicked up the attitude.  You owed him nothing! 

Carry on now.  Leave him alone and things will be okay again, soon . 🙂 .  You are smart & you learned. Good on you!

[tattoobunnie]

He is a Sexual Predator.  He was grooming you (look up predatory grooming).  Never for one second believed you did anything wrong - he was grooming you and taking advantage of you as a child.  

Please block him, and do not blame yourself.  Please feel-free to write/vent as much as you want.  This guy is a bad person.  I'm sorry.  And it happens a lot more than you think.

[BlairBear]

Thank you everyone for your answers. It's really meaningful to hear someone's opinion in such a situation. It's hard to process it alone, so having an outside perspective is definitely an eye-opener. Thank you. I can tell I needed this for a really long time because I teared up reading the replies and I'm not the most emotional person. Now I feel much better and I'm ready to finally move on. 

[Hollyj]

I agree.  He is a predator.  This guy took advantage of you.  Please block him and have nothing more to do with him.