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Reconciling After Separation Advice


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You do know, it's just hard to admit and easier to deflect and focus on other things like those boogie men. That's actually normal in a way. A self defense mechanism. I'm pushing you to step away from that and face your inner demons instead.  I think you have your work cut out for you in counseling and individual therapy and I really hope that you both succeed and come out for the better.

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What is the status right now? Living in the same house?  Counseling being looked into?

What ever you do never bring up her actions during the separation.  That is the third rail in all this for you and if you bring it up you will loose every time.

  Just stopping gaming is not enough to repair the damage which I am sure you know already.  Your shared goal should be to rebuild/build up your marriage to really good place built on respect, understanding, selflessness, empathy, communication and most importantly cherishing each other.  No more taking anything for granted.

Lost

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On 4/14/2021 at 2:35 PM, Twisted Fate said:

I think there are some definite problems that need to be addressed on her side that she still has but I think she is trying in the relationship and I think she is trying to be better. We are going to counseling to try and address those.

 

I just can't seem to find away around her sleeping with these men while we were separated.

Hopefully you both can communicate a bit better and she listens to you a little more. The way I'm reading it is that things seem too good to be true right now and she's accommodating you and your concerns whereas for a long time both of you couldn't communicate well at all or show that you valued or trusted each other. You're not used to healthy communication or a loving relationship. 

Those men represent what you were not. They're going to make you feel uncomfortable because whatever they are is the reason your marriage almost ended. The sex, physicality of it, was just a byproduct. There probably was an emotional connection there also that was missing in your marriage. This is intimidating, all of it.

I hope this works out but please don't keep ignoring those ill feelings. If you can't get over them, listen to your instincts on this.

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6 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

What is the status right now? Living in the same house?  Counseling being looked into?

Yes, she moved back into the house first of April. We are going to counseling once a week alternating between couples and individual. 

6 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Your shared goal should be to rebuild/build up your marriage to really good place built on respect, understanding, selflessness, empathy, communication and most importantly cherishing each other.  No more taking anything for granted.

She has mentioned that I am a different person. I don't feel that I am that different but she says everything is different and that I am what she had always wanted before. She also said that she wouldn't leave again. She said even if I started back gaming she wasn't leaving. I told her she didn't have to worry about that.

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5 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You're not used to healthy communication or a loving relationship.

I don't think we could communicate about any issues. She didn't feel wanted is what she said. I feel like there was alot of room for improvement on my end but that I did do things for both us and our family and tried to cut out special time to spend with just us or doing things with our kids.

 

5 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Those men represent what you were not. They're going to make you feel uncomfortable because whatever they are is the reason your marriage almost ended. The sex, physicality of it, was just a byproduct. There probably was an emotional connection there also that was missing in your marriage. This is intimidating, all of it.

It is intimidating. She said she just wanted to feel wanted and that her husband didn't want her. I did want her though. I tried my best to express this but she was checked out and didn't believe or care I guess after the fight. I did ask her for us to stay connected, to live apart for a bit if that's what she needed but maybe try dating or going to counseling but she wasn't receptive at the time. I feel that she chose these men over working things out and that's what hurts. What were they to her except not me. She said that they didnt mean anything to her but she told some of them that she loved them. 

 

I guess I feel like these other people were put in front of me and I never did that to her. I always wanted to be with her and had she asked to come back I wouldve dropped the person I was seeing in a heartbeat. So, maybe I wonder where I really stand with her. She expresses this love but is this what she expressed to them? I think sometimes she just wants to be wanted by anyone and I could easily be substituted for anyone else. 

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4 hours ago, Twisted Fate said:

I don't think we could communicate about any issues. She didn't feel wanted is what she said. I feel like there was alot of room for improvement on my end but that I did do things for both us and our family and tried to cut out special time to spend with just us or doing things with our kids.

 

It is intimidating. She said she just wanted to feel wanted and that her husband didn't want her. I did want her though. I tried my best to express this but she was checked out and didn't believe or care I guess after the fight. I did ask her for us to stay connected, to live apart for a bit if that's what she needed but maybe try dating or going to counseling but she wasn't receptive at the time. I feel that she chose these men over working things out and that's what hurts. What were they to her except not me. She said that they didnt mean anything to her but she told some of them that she loved them. 

 

I guess I feel like these other people were put in front of me and I never did that to her. I always wanted to be with her and had she asked to come back I wouldve dropped the person I was seeing in a heartbeat. So, maybe I wonder where I really stand with her. She expresses this love but is this what she expressed to them? I think sometimes she just wants to be wanted by anyone and I could easily be substituted for anyone else. 

There is a lot of pain bundled into the separation and both of you only just started living together again. From what I'm getting I think you both need time. If there are doubts, it's fine. Both of you have already made the one promise to each other to remain faithful to this marriage from here on. Take one day at a time, one step at a time. 

Avoid crumbling at every small thing she says or does and try to change your train of thought when it goes to ruminations about who she was with. She could just as easily do the same about you. Don't let these be mental stumbling blocks or emotional roadblocks that lead to neglect again in the relationship. 

Rome wasn't built in a day.. both of you are building something back up that is even bigger than that! You've come this far with your counseling and your commitment to each other so just take one day at a time.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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I hope you appreciate what a huge second chance you have on your hands.

  My best advice is to show her not tell her about the new husband you are and intend on being forever.

Stay focused on what is truly important and the other wounds will heal.  They may leave a scar that swells up once in a while but just remind yourself how lucky you are to have her and your family in your life.

When the thoughts of what happened while you were separated come to your mind a trick I used that would get me out of that cycle would be to ask myself "What good will come from thinking about this?"  The answer is always "NOTHING"  So it helped me reset and get back to what is important.

I wish you and your wife the very best as you rebuild your marriage.  This big bump in the relationship may very well turn out to be a blessing as I believe your marriage will be so much better in the long run.

Lost

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9 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

a trick I used that would get me out of that cycle would be to ask myself "What good will come from thinking about this?"  The answer is always "NOTHING"  So it helped me reset and get back to what is important.

Great trick, going to try use this!

9 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

This big bump in the relationship may very well turn out to be a blessing as I believe your marriage will be so much better in the long run.

I really do hope so!!

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9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

 

You dated and (I presume) slept with someone else too

 

I did and I guess the difference at least in my head was that I didn’t want to, I just wasn’t given the option to be with my wife and she was with someone else. At that point, I just felt dumb and disgraced to sit there and wallow in self pity so I did date on and off during the separation, but it was never what I would’ve picked given the choice 

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9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Does your wife bring that up? Does she ruminate about your dating and sex life during the separation?

Not really, she did a lot in the beginning but she was able to live past it. I, unfortunately, am having a harder time

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7 hours ago, Twisted Fate said:

I did and I guess the difference at least in my head was that I didn’t want to, I just wasn’t given the option to be with my wife and she was with someone else. At that point, I just felt dumb and disgraced to sit there and wallow in self pity so I did date on and off during the separation, but it was never what I would’ve picked given the choice 

And your wife did the same thing.

Do you see how it's hypocritical to think it was ok for you to date and have sex with others but wasn't ok for your wife?

Are you willing to destroy your second chance over this?

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48 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you see how it's hypocritical to think it was ok for you to date and have sex with others but wasn't ok for your wife?

I would think it hypocritical if I didn’t want her and she dated and I held that against her but that’s not what happened. She had the option to work on us, I did not. That’s the difference, at least how I feel it. I never chose to be with someone else over working things out with my wife, she did in fact choose to be with others instead of working things out. That’s why it bothers me.

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Excuse me, but you had four years of you choosing not to work things out and you think that her leaving you and moving on makes her less legitimate? She should have left after years of neglect and you asking for a divorce and hung around seeing no one because her chastity is sacrosanct in your mind? Because you are such a prize how could she consider moving on? 

You actually think you are better than she because you  only slept with others because you had no choice? Wow, you are quite a piece of work and will really do any kind of justification to give yourself the moral high ground and upper hand in your own mind. Wow. 

Edited by arjumand
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5 hours ago, Twisted Fate said:

I would think it hypocritical if I didn’t want her and she dated and I held that against her but that’s not what happened. She had the option to work on us, I did not. That’s the difference, at least how I feel it. I never chose to be with someone else over working things out with my wife, she did in fact choose to be with others instead of working things out. That’s why it bothers me.

It could be argued that what you did was worse.  Your wife possibly legitimately cared about the man/men she dated (hence the gift of the wall hanging), while you chose to use a woman/women to try to make yourself feel better.

Your wife chose to be with others after years of being neglected by you.  You chose to give your attention to a video game.

Do you feel what she did was bad enough to make you not want to reconcile?  If not, please try to get over this or you run the risk of losing this second chance.

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