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Is this manipulative?


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 I had been dating this guy for awhile and he broke things off saying he no longer had any feelings and just wanted to be friends. So I tried to be his friend and recently broke things off when he wouldn’t talk to me anymore and when he did it was short/annoyed responses and when I told him how that made me feel and that I needed to step away from this situation he apologized and said he did not distance himself from me and that he was sorry, cares a lot for me and was important to him. I feel very lost on it all. I cared very much for him but I’m not sure where I stand I feel manipulated in a way but I’d like to hear other point of views 

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10 minutes ago, Nell said:

 I had been dating this guy for awhile and he broke things off saying he no longer had any feelings and just wanted to be friends. So I tried to be his friend and recently broke things off when he wouldn’t talk to me anymore and when he did it was short/annoyed responses and when I told him how that made me feel and that I needed to step away from this situation he apologized and said he did not distance himself from me and that he was sorry, cares a lot for me and was important to him. I feel very lost on it all. I cared very much for him but I’m not sure where I stand I feel manipulated in a way but I’d like to hear other point of views 

I wanted to be his friend after everything but it seemed he only said anything and cared when I was choosing to leave he didn’t even have that much care when we broke up. 

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9 minutes ago, Nell said:

I tried to be his friend and recently broke things off when he wouldn’t talk to me anymore 

You did the right thing ending it cleanly. Now delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

Don't get strung along with the "let's be friends" line. Unfortunately when someone breaks up it's over.

 Put him in the past so you can date better boys and make better friends.

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As friends, we women sometimes expect more than what normal friends are required to give. Perhaps you were doing that and as such this annoyed him? 
 

remember, men can only get true friendship from other men. They only become friends with us because they like to keep the option of intimacy open or if they feel like doing us a favour and think we are lonely. Either way if you asked for too much from a friendship (more than his male friends would) and no longer provide sex, then that would annoy him.

 

be wary of any potential entitlement you may feel from the friendship due to your romantic past and cut it out. That’s not a friendship, that’s you wanting to continue the romantic relationship despite the fact that he has made it clear he no longer wants you.

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10 minutes ago, Cassandra Rice said:

As friends, we women sometimes expect more than what normal friends are required to give. Perhaps you were doing that and as such this annoyed him? 
 

remember, men can only get true friendship from other men. They only become friends with us because they like to keep the option of intimacy open or if they feel like doing us a favour and think we are lonely. Either way if you asked for too much from a friendship (more than his male friends would) and no longer provide sex, then that would annoy him.

 

be wary of any potential entitlement you may feel from the friendship due to your romantic past and cut it out. That’s not a friendship, that’s you wanting to continue the romantic relationship despite the fact that he has made it clear he no longer wants you.

I can definitely understand and see that but I didn’t ask anything of him after that point nor pushed any ideas his way and backed off completely when he said that he no longer had feelings but stayed because he begged me to but every time I did he pulled away and treated me poorly again. That’s the part that confused and hurt me. 

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It's hard to remain friends with an ex.  I'd just stay away from him.  meaning forgive him.  he probably is sorry. but he's not a real friend. go your separate ways,  knowing you tried. 

The funny thing about being friends with exes is, when you're truly able to be, you won't want to be. 

It's fear that's making you hold on to him. Go forward and focus on yourself. 

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10 minutes ago, Lambert said:

It's hard to remain friends with an ex.  I'd just stay away from him.  meaning forgive him.  he probably is sorry. but he's not a real friend. go your separate ways,  knowing you tried. 

The funny thing about being friends with exes is, when you're truly able to be, you won't want to be. 

It's fear that's making you hold on to him. Go forward and focus on yourself. 

You are right. It definitely is fear that keeps me I feel a lot of guilt like I’m giving up. 

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10 minutes ago, Nell said:

You are right. It definitely is fear that keeps me I feel a lot of guilt like I’m giving up. 

been there. done that. after a time, I just didn't care anymore.  I realized I had better friends, was a better friend and some things do end. 

We hold on too much to things because we think that makes us a good person or whatever value you have that makes you feel guilty. 

But there are plenty of people in your life you have let go of, moved on from etc.  That's life.

You hold on to the people that support the life you want and those that you feel good when you are around them. Everyone else will drain the eff out of you, if you let them. Wish them well in your heart love them from a distance....

it's ok. you're number one in your life.  you matter the most. 

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19 minutes ago, Lambert said:

been there. done that. after a time, I just didn't care anymore.  I realized I had better friends, was a better friend and some things do end. 

We hold on too much to things because we think that makes us a good person or whatever value you have that makes you feel guilty. 

But there are plenty of people in your life you have let go of, moved on from etc.  That's life.

You hold on to the people that support the life you want and those that you feel good when you are around them. Everyone else will drain the eff out of you, if you let them. Wish them well in your heart love them from a distance....

it's ok. you're number one in your life.  you matter the most. 

I really appreciate you for saying this. Brought me comfort knowing I am making the right choice in the end.

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Nah, do not look at him as a 'friend'.  You crossed those lines when you became fully involved.. and when a couple splits, it can be so hard to 'go backwards' to that stage.

In order to move on in a healthy manner, you just need to walk away- for good and focus on YOU now.

No more expectations.. nothing.

You need your time to heal and accept what is.. and 'trying' to be an ex's friend is so much more a challenge.

Once you recover & get over that experience etc, you may just get to the point, you don't care to be around them anymore.. and you be over them.

No need.. No want.

So- now just cut it clean.  No more interaction.

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What I see is a guy using the "Lets stay as friends" and "Oh I still care about you." to soften the blow of the breakup. He really doesn't care to be friends. He is hoping you get the hint. Block/delete him.

Edited by smackie9
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31 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

What I see is a guy using the "Lets stay as friends" and "Oh I still care about you." to soften the blow of the breakup. He really doesn't care to be friends. He is hoping you get the hint. Block/delete him.

Yah but he was the one reaching out first when I stopped talking for a little after the breakup. I could see that yah but why is he the initiating things still?   The point was that I was confused because he acted like he wanted nothing to do with me but retract it quickly when I pulled away every time. 

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On 4/6/2021 at 6:35 AM, Nell said:

I can definitely understand and see that but I didn’t ask anything of him after that point nor pushed any ideas his way and backed off completely when he said that he no longer had feelings but stayed because he begged me to but every time I did he pulled away and treated me poorly again. That’s the part that confused and hurt me. 

Maybe he's afraid to be alone or needs friendship genuinely. It's hard to tell but staying friends with an ex usually holds us back from going on and living fully. 

It's not unusual for one person to have to ask for respect and privacy and to keep things cordial but distant. You have a choice how you want to move forward. If this is confusing and hurting you, find another option.

PS I do not mean find another option as in another man. I mean find another option as in a new way of going about things. That could mean spending more time on your own or with friends or family. Give yourself some time to heal and collect yourself.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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I'm speaking only for myself. I see no point in trying to play friendzies with an ex. That's usually about one person trying to keep the comforts of the other as they move forward while the other is trying to keep the audition running to get back to being lovers.

And when that's not the case, it just ends up with a second breakup anyway, because a new lover for either 'friend' won't stick around to play triangle if they are healthy.

So skip that, and embrace instead the idea that you've allowed a wrong match to pass while on your way to finding the RIGHT person for you.

Head high, and allow wrong matches to pass early.

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