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Please help me, feel so lost.


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2 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

(You + your children) - cheating lying creep = peaceful happy family.

You + your children + cheating lying creep = years of lies, stress, deceit and permanent emotional and psychological damage to you and your children.

Rethink what family means.

I know, I know I have a lot to think about. I’m just trying to take it in without having a breakdown. 
 

she made some sort of pathetic comment to him like she would ‘go’ and ‘never speak to him again’ if he had another baby with me. (How dare she) so the fact he never even told her..shows he doesn’t want her gone because if he did, all he’d have to do is tell her! 

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Maybe the bigger question is.. do you want to be wondering about this the rest of your life? If he deletes her off his phone.. well.......... what about the next woman down on the list? Is he also che

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this and you seem to be in shock - rumination on small details is sometimes the only way the brain can handle vast emotional distress, which I'm sure you'

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Just now, boltnrun said:

So he has done absolutely nothing to try to make up for cheating and lying? Not one thing?

We are actually staying at my parents at the moment because we are in the middle of a move (not an excuse) but there’s a lot going on and we have two very young kids. He’s obviously not remorseful because he hasn’t pressed that button that at the very least would be a start

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It's a lot to take in at once. If you can think of the long term also it might help put things in perspective.

Let's say you have a third child together, how can you be sure he's not siphoning off funds to his mistress (or his lovers on the side)? Instead of resources going to your family or your kids, they may be spent elsewhere. If you stayed for another 20 or 40 years and he left you anyway for someone younger or more interesting to him, where does this leave you? Would you be in good enough shape financially, mentally, emotionally to put your life back together? 

How much is staying about the other woman? Not letting her have him, in other words. In the end the people who suffer most are the kids and you. 

It doesn't look like she's going anywhere and your husband still wants to be with her. Are you both in marriage counselling? What do the counsellors say or advise?

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6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It's a lot to take in at once. If you can think of the long term also it might help put things in perspective.

Let's say you have a third child together, how can you be sure he's not siphoning off funds to his mistress (or his lovers on the side)? Instead of resources going to your family or your kids, they may be spent elsewhere. If you stayed for another 20 or 40 years and he left you anyway for someone younger or more interesting to him, where does this leave you? Would you be in good enough shape financially, mentally, emotionally to put your life back together? 

How much is staying about the other woman? Not letting her have him, in other words. In the end the people who suffer most are the kids and you. 

It doesn't look like she's going anywhere and your husband still wants to be with her. Are you both in marriage counselling? What do the counsellors say or advise?

To be honest right now I’m just trying to figure out in my own mind if I make sense and that’s why I’m using here as a sounding board (so thankful for all of you) ..doesn’t the whole him not telling her about our second baby disprove the upset line he gave me? I feel like it does 

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So he did nothing, not ONE single thing to show you he's terribly sorry for what he did? That's outrageous. 

Staying with parents and having a lot going on is irrelevant. You could still attend marriage counseling. 

How happy do you believe you'll be knowing your husband has a mistress? Are you willing to put up with her just to stay married to him?

You're lucky you have your parents to stay with.

Please consider how having a father who lies and cheats on their mother will affect your children.

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16 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I know, I know I have a lot to think about. I’m just trying to take it in without having a breakdown. 
 

she made some sort of pathetic comment to him like she would ‘go’ and ‘never speak to him again’ if he had another baby with me. (How dare she) so the fact he never even told her..shows he doesn’t want her gone because if he did, all he’d have to do is tell her! 

Trust me we all realize how difficult this all is and it will take time for you to process and make some decisions. All we can do is share what we think, what I'd tell my best friend if she were in your shoes. Big internet hugs to you.

Cheating isn't about love or feelings. It's about power and manipulation. Your husband is manipulating and playing you both. Of course he won't get rid of her, because if he does, who is he going to play you off against then? He has set up two women to fight over his "greatness"....that's some powerful ego stroking stuff.

He lies to her and tells her that his marriage is dead, he probably claims that you don't have sex (having a child would disprove that so he doesn't tell her that). If/when she eventually finds out, he'll find a way to rope her back in with more lies. He does the same to you - lies and more lies. Promises without meaning. 

Why her? Because she is stupid enough and disordered enough to have an affair with a married man with young children and women of such low worth are kind of hard to find. Most women have enough common sense and self respect to say NO to that.

The pain that you are in right now, can you imagine 10, 20, 40 more years of this?

 

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1 hour ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

she made some sort of pathetic comment to him like she would ‘go’ and ‘never speak to him again’ if he had another baby with me. (How dare she) 

You have to stop blaming her. It's your husband who took a giant crap all over his marriage vows, his wife, and his children. She's a stranger. Maybe not a very moral stranger, but she'd be nothing to you without him.

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

You have to stop blaming her. It's your husband who took a giant crap all over his marriage vows, his wife, and his children. She's a stranger. Maybe not a very moral stranger, but she'd be nothing to you without him.

I don’t blame her, but I am angry at her. But to be honest, remembering what she said has just made this very clear to me. If he actually wanted her gone, all he’d need to do would be to tell her and, like she said, she would go. So that, if anything, would have been an easy way out for him. 

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22 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

 If he actually wanted her gone....

It seems like this is that part that is making you sad. 

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14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like this is that part that is making you sad. 

It is. Because the more I sit here and think about it he has had at least two very easy options to get rid of her 

 

1) tell her about our second baby

2) press a button on a phone to delete/block

 

 

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Has he told you he's terribly sorry, that what he did was wrong, and that you and your children mean the world to him? And that he will never see or speak to her again? And that he'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you? And that he loves you and your children?

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8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Has he told you he's terribly sorry, that what he did was wrong, and that you and your children mean the world to him? And that he will never see or speak to her again? And that he'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you? And that he loves you and your children?

But surely none of this matters if he has kept that link? 

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23 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

But surely none of this matters if he has kept that link? 

Given that you didn't  answer the questions, is it safe to assume he did none of the below?:

 

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Has he told you he's terribly sorry, that what he did was wrong, and that you and your children mean the world to him? And that he will never see or speak to her again? And that he'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you? And that he loves you and your children?

 

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20 hours ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

It does to me. Because if it would be just him keeping her there incase she gets upset and not because he actually wants her there

It is not about her getting upset. He wants to continue with her in the future. He cares about her and wants to sleep with her. 
You need to take the focus off of her,  as he has shown you that he does not value you or your children.  If it isn’t her, he will cheat with someone else.  
I think it was very selfish of you to have another child to keep this lying, cheating creep.  Do you and your kids a favour and seek a divorce. 

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56 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

It is not about her getting upset. He wants to continue with her in the future. He cares about her and wants to sleep with her. 
You need to take the focus off of her,  as he has shown you that he does not value you or your children.  If it isn’t her, he will cheat with someone else.  
I think it was very selfish of you to have another child to keep this lying, cheating creep.  Do you and your kids a favour and seek a divorce. 

I take responsibility about having another baby. I know I need to be brutally honest here - after our son was born things weren’t good. My h is an amazing dad. He is very close with our 1st. When I started mentioning that we should try for another he wasn’t happy about it. Our friends were happily having their second baby, why aren’t we. I was already pretending, putting up happy smiling photos on Instagram etc. 
I said to him if we didn’t have another he’d lose his first son. I threatened to take him away. I think he was so scared of this, this is why he agreed. 
I’m also not naive, I know men can be unhappy and still have sex with someone. So the fact he seems to have this emotional attachment to her, kills me. 
I had in the back of my mind her words (I’m done if you have another baby with your wife. You’re obviously unhappy so why would you commit yourself further we’re her words). He never told her that I was pregnant with our second and he’s not told her about our second arriving. He’s stuck his head in the sand and he’s not speaking to her because he doesn’t want to risk losing her and that is how much she means to him. 
 

Of course I wanted our son to have a sibling and I don’t regret this at all. 

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Given that you didn't  answer the questions, is it safe to assume he did none of the below?:

 

 

That WAS my answer. It doesn’t matter what he has said as he has kept the link to her. Surely if he wanted to make things work with me he’d have done this 

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I think you know he's in love with her. I think you also know he's not in love with you, just going through the motions because divorce is expensive and you already threatened him about taking the kids away.

You can't change how he feels. He's already told her he doesn't love you but is being forced to stay with you because of the kids. (Most cheaters tell their mistresses that). Sadly in this case it's true.

You've lied and threatened and deceived him also. You're both at fault. That's why you are rifling through his phone. That's why you can't talk to him.

He's already checked out of the marriage. You already know this.

This isn't about her. This is about two very unhappy people. Now stuck together out of fear.

He's not in love with you. You've known this for a long time. Having kids won't change that.

Yes, he'll stay married to save money and be with his kids, but not because he loves or respects you.

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8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I think you know he's in love with her. I think you also know he's not in love with you, just going through the motions because divorce is expensive and you already threatened him about taking the kids away.

You can't change how he feels. He's already told her he doesn't love you but is being forced to stay with you because of the kids. (Most cheaters tell their mistresses that). Sadly in this case it's true.

You've lied and threatened and deceived him also. You're both at fault. That's why you are rifling through his phone. That's why you can't talk to him.

He's already checked out of the marriage. You already know this.

This isn't about her. This is about two very unhappy people. Now stuck together out of fear.

He's not in love with you. You've known this for a long time. Having kids won't change that.

Yes, he'll stay married to save money and be with his kids, but not because he loves or respects you.

Would you say this is why he hasn’t told her? All in fear of losing HER

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2 hours ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I said to him if we didn’t have another he’d lose his first son. I threatened to take him away. I think he was so scared of this, this is why he agreed. 

This is terrible. 

The both of you need to stop using these kids as pawns in your marriage problems. The kids deserve better than this. 

Both of you engage in destructive behaviour, and the children are the ones who will ultimately pay the biggest price for your poor choices. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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15 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Would you say this is why he hasn’t told her? All in fear of losing HER

He's not in love with you. Your marriage has been over for a long long time. You know that. It was over before your last child. You know that.

It doesn't matter what's in his phone. Whether it's her, someone else whatever.

What you do know is that you used threats and deception to keep him trapped, when you should have gotten rid of him when you first realized he was cheating.

Do you work? If you get divorced, he'll have to pay child support. 

He's not in love with you and checked out of the marriage years ago. A number on WhatsApp won't change anything.

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36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's not in love with you. Your marriage has been over for a long long time. You know that. It was over before your last child. You know that.

It doesn't matter what's in his phone. Whether it's her, someone else whatever.

What you do know is that you used threats and deception to keep him trapped, when you should have gotten rid of him when you first realized he was cheating.

Do you work? If you get divorced, he'll have to pay child support. 

He's not in love with you and checked out of the marriage years ago. A number on WhatsApp won't change anything.

I agree with everything you said apart from ‘a number on WhatsApp won’t change anything’ - it would. Him not having it there would show he has no need to want for it to be there

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40 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Him not having it there would show he has no need to want for it to be there

It doesn't change the unfortunately circumstances of your marriage. That he cheated, is still cheating, feels trapped, doesn't love you and just stays for the kids.  Sooner or later he'll seek divorce.

Your logic is thinking if he didn't have her number, he wouldn't be cheating. Sadly, that's incorrect. And sadly if it's not this women he leaves you for, there will be another. 

The issue is not guessing games about WhatsApp, it's that your marriage has been over for a long long time, but you march on posting happy family pics on social media to  keep up what you wish this is.

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5 hours ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

That WAS my answer.

Your answer didn't address any of the items in the questions posed. So, in reality your 'answer' was to avoid. It's your life, and you are free to avoid discomfort. But is that actually helping you? Posting happy pictures on Instagram doesn't stop your husband from cheating on you. Refusing to acknowledge basic truths by ignoring questions doesn't make those truths go away. 

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He does have her number saved.

I presume he didn't apologize or express regret or love for you and your kids (since you refuse to say if he did or didn't and instead keep fixating on this number thing).

"If" means nothing because he did not delete her number. What that "means" is irrelevant. Although I presume you'll ask the same question yet again.

Do you plan to stay married to him? Can you accept that he has a mistress? 

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