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Somethings missing


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So I've been with my husband for 11 years and it has been a really bumpy road. I have found myself feeling trapped and unhappy for awhile now. We have 3 kids together. The first 7 years of our relationship consisted of him making me feel like a nympho because I wanted it all the time and he was cool with once a month at most. It's like he never had a honeymoon phase like I did. Now we've completely swapped places and I'm giving it to him when I can but I have no sex drive anymore. I'm still capable of getting turned on easily.... Just not by him. I find it odd though since I'm physically attracted to him. I know it should seem obvious since I said I feel trapped and unhappy but my sex drive was a beast of its own and I've never had this problem before. *** is wrong with me?

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Not really. He leaves his pop cans all over the house, he only helps with laundry or dishes if I pester him enough. He prefers ordering out to cooking and I'm constantly having to get after him for smoking in the house, as my oldest child is asthmatic. I work 2 jobs right now to pay my debt down and he will take the kids out to lunch while I'm sleeping and I'll go hungry multiple days in a row because I'm so tired I often can't get up until shortly before work and I'm too busy to eat. Hurts me a little that he can't take care of me a little too but then I feel selfish for feeling like this. He also wrecked his car and after me having to walk everywhere after my car broke down, he just assumes he can take over the car I have now. He has his tools and trash all over in it now. Honestly I know our relationship is a mess. I just desperately want to make it work for the kids. I came home after my graveyard shift and had to do 2 sink loads of dishes, clean food off the floor and table, and clean the stove before I could start Easter dinner. Makes me want to lay on the floor face down and give up):  

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1 minute ago, Stratton135 said:

Not really. He leaves his pop cans all over the house, he only helps with laundry or dishes if I pester him enough. He prefers ordering out to cooking and I'm constantly having to get after him for smoking in the house, as my oldest child is asthmatic. I work 2 jobs right now to pay my debt down and he will take the kids out to lunch while I'm sleeping and I'll go hungry multiple days in a row because I'm so tired I often can't get up until shortly before work and I'm too busy to eat. Hurts me a little that he can't take care of me a little too but then I feel selfish for feeling like this. He also wrecked his car and after me having to walk everywhere after my car broke down, he just assumes he can take over the car I have now. He has his tools and trash all over in it now. Honestly I know our relationship is a mess. I just desperately want to make it work for the kids. I came home after my graveyard shift and had to do 2 sink loads of dishes, clean food off the floor and table, and clean the stove before I could start Easter dinner. Makes me want to lay on the floor face down and give up):  

Does he have a job?   

Do you love or respect this man?   You home life sounds intolerable.  

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He has a job. I respect what he's capable of, as he's very good at fixing things. I don't know if I have much respect left for him after him leaving me out to dry so many times. I have borderline personality disorder so I'm trying to get my moods in check and I also have depression so it's hard for me to step back and discern if I'm the problem or if he's the problem. He always wins the arguments when I try to get him to change his behavior by bringing up the things I've done to hurt him. Makes it hard to feel any validation for wanting things to change.

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I am very sorry.   He clearly is not pulling his weight in the household.   I can certainly understand you feeling the way you are.  I think that it sounds like he is the problem.  The relationship sounds unhealthy and imbalanced. 

The fact that he does not do his fair share and is manipulative is not good for you or the kids.  What do your friends and family say?  Are you on meds and seeing a therapist?

Edited by Hollyj
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When I started reading your post I was expecting to see you say eventually "there is this guy at work that really understands me blah blah blah"  It was refreshing not to read that for once on one of these.

  Marriage and parenting is a team sport but you seem to be the only one trying to score.  This marriage is not a partnership and what you described would be enough to ruin any woman's libido just from exhaustion not to mention the resentment you must feel towards him.

 What is missing is a good husband or even a mediocre husband honestly.

 Has he always been like this?  

There is no reason one problem cannot be worked on while another is also getting attention.  For example you don't have to figure all your moods out BEFORE he gets his lazy ass up and helps around the house.

Are you under a doctors care for your disorder?

Lost

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Yes to all asking if I am on medication. I feel so much better and level headed while I'm on it. It scares me a little because I dislike him more while on my meds. I do my best to go to my therapy appointments but sometimes I accidentally sleep in past my appointment time. My therapist is pretty cool but I really have to prompt him for feed back. I won't lie, there were mutual feelings with a guy at work but I'm not looking to complicate my life or chase after more men. To hell with that. Lol. And I met him after my first marriage went to hell and my first child was 1 year old. He was way worse than he is now. He has improved a lot. Is this salvageable? I have had a million conversations with him but his behavior only changes for a few weeks and then he's right back to where he was. I feel like I'm being unfair though. I'm not perfect either.... He put up with my crazy mood swings for years. 

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11 hours ago, Stratton135 said:

I work 2 jobs right now to pay my debt down and he will take the kids out to lunch while I'm sleeping and I'll go hungry multiple days in a row because I'm so tired I often can't get up until shortly before work and I'm too busy to eat. Hurts me a little that he can't take care of me a little too but then I feel selfish for feeling like this. He also wrecked his car and after me having to walk everywhere after my car broke down, he just assumes he can take over the car I have now.

Okay, no wonder you do not 'feel in the mood'!

HE is selfish and YOU are exhausted.. He NEEDS to pick up the slack if he's to get anything!

Do you have far to travel when you work?  Can one of you take a bus or something?  You DO need to find time to at least eat -- do not get too run down 😕 

When exhaustion hits.. can be a major downfall... Self care is needed here ❤️ 

So.. you put HIM on the spot.. IF he is home and you are working, HE can do some dishes.. he can do some cleaning... Is sad really, cause a family - 2 parents present w/ 2 kids, should be able to work it out...

I can see this ending if you just don't 'feel it' anymore... if you're truly not happy.

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We live in a pretty small town where everything is in walking distance if you have the time. I bought myself a bike yesterday.  It's only a mile to one job and 5 blocks to the other. I just got in a big fight with him today because I told him I was tired of him disrespecting me and my things. He literally piled a bunch of garbage in the back seat of the car and I told him it was gross and really upset me. I gave him the keys to the car and told him nicely that I did not want to drive it anymore since he's using it as his dumpster. He misplaced the keys and got mad at me and accused me of throwing them at him and being mean to him. I was very calm and did not raise my voice or curse or anything when I had given him the keys.... I think he just wanted the kids to think I was being an ***. Not gonna lie, I told him to go *** himself for accusing me of being mean and throwing keys at him. I also had told him a million times to quit leaving the keys in the ignition as we live in a not so great neighborhood. So to be a spiteful jerk, he told my oldest child to start the car for him and that the key was going to stay in the ignition and never come out again. Not going to lie guys, I think I hate my husband. But my kids are more important than my freedom from him.

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44 minutes ago, Stratton135 said:

We live in a pretty small town where everything is in walking distance if you have the time. I bought myself a bike yesterday.  It's only a mile to one job and 5 blocks to the other. I just got in a big fight with him today because I told him I was tired of him disrespecting me and my things. He literally piled a bunch of garbage in the back seat of the car and I told him it was gross and really upset me. I gave him the keys to the car and told him nicely that I did not want to drive it anymore since he's using it as his dumpster. He misplaced the keys and got mad at me and accused me of throwing them at him and being mean to him. I was very calm and did not raise my voice or curse or anything when I had given him the keys.... I think he just wanted the kids to think I was being an ***. Not gonna lie, I told him to go *** himself for accusing me of being mean and throwing keys at him. I also had told him a million times to quit leaving the keys in the ignition as we live in a not so great neighborhood. So to be a spiteful jerk, he told my oldest child to start the car for him and that the key was going to stay in the ignition and never come out again. Not going to lie guys, I think I hate my husband. But my kids are more important than my freedom from him.

I think it is time to end this marriage.  Your husband is a pig and is abusive .  He does not respect you,  nor contribute to the marriage.  Time to seek a lawyer! 

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48 minutes ago, Stratton135 said:

 But my kids are more important than my freedom from him.

......Your kids are the reason to leave this abusive marriage. They are being pulled into this mess and abused just as much as you are. YOUR job is to protect them from this.....thing (if I said what I actually think, I'd get banned).

This is where you get in touch with your inner momma bear and protect your cubs and if that means divorcing this lousy man you call a husband, so be it. Someone has to provide your children with a safe home and demonstrate not only what sanity looks like, but that bad behavior has consequences and men who abuse their wives end up without a family and only half their paycheck.

Witnessing their mother getting abused causes major damage to kids. Do not kid yourself about that please. Don't believe me? Ask around and perhaps some poster here will chime in who have lived it. Staying in a bad marriage is literally the worst things you can do to your children.

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So he was way worse than THIS?

If he has improved a lot then what has changed?  At least you admitted there was another man you have been chatting to at work.  This is usually the case where a spouse starts reevaluating the marriage/relationship when someone better/new starts showing interest.  

My question is:  What do you want your marriage to be like?

Shared goals

Shared responsibilities

Respect

Ambition

True Love

Dedication

If your husband is not capable of the things you want in a relationship and is unwilling to work on them you only have two options.  Stay and endure or leave and make your way as a single mom without all the crap.

Lost

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Living with a hoarder is a nightmare and a battle you will never win. 

They're married to thier garbage, chaos and clutter. You'll never fix that. It's a losing battle.

Everything they touch turns into a heap of garbage. 

When their chaos and mess fills one area, it spreads to the next like cancer.

Just like the car. He'll trash/destroy his own then move on to yours.

Stop trying to change or fix him. Instead make physical changes.

Take your car back. Let him ride a bike. Bring it to a mechanic and detailer and never let him drive it and hide your keys.

Right now you're enabling even rewarding the hoarding and trashing..

You're riding a bike, you're cleaning a toxic waste dump just to eat.

Your children are already having serious health problems due to the hoarding.

Hoarding, like other behavioral compulsions and addictions, doesn't go away with nagging, pleading,etc.

It only gets worse. Especially when you enable and reward it. It frees up their time and energy for more of the behaviors and more combativeness with you.

That's why you're exhausted. That's why you're in debt. That's why your kids are sick. His chaos and hoarding.

You need to leave with your kids. You'll never win with a hoarder. Their trash and chaos is a form of control.

Don't you see how it's running your life and making your kids sick?

He doesn't care that your kids eat junk or eat at all. He doesn't care if your kid's in the ER with an asthma attack. Don't you see this?

Make plans to leave. Save your kids

Edited by Wiseman2
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Stratton, what are you going to do?

Keeping your kids in this environment is abusive.   It is very unhealthy to expose them to this dysfunction.  If you think that it is benefitting your kids by staying with him, you are very wrong.  It is your job to protect your kids, and currently you are not doing it.   Stop making excuses.  

I wonder why you came here if you had no intention of leaving this abusive pig?  Were you simply looking for validation? 

Edited by Hollyj
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