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My boyfriend has had his social media on private for years


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Hi, 

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years. In the early years, I had issues trusting him because i found several things on social media that bothered me. These are SO petty, i know, but i just want to show you things i've found over the years, so that you dont think im crazy. or AM I crazy??

1) First NYE we had, on his twitter a girl posted "like this if i can kiss you on new years" and ---he did. He said it was a joke.

2) Friend of his on his FB mentioned "I have a hot neighbor now and blah blah wow hes cute". Then he commented "deng i didnt know you lived next door?"---also, he said he was joking.

3) Random girl on IG he added (or she added him idk). But he didnt know her at first. Then i noticed him liking SO many of this girls pictures. And commenting on basic things like when she would post a cute dog, or ANYTHING just to comment. It bothered me. He has 900 friends. I'm sure he doesnt do this with EVERYONE.

4) Commented on his friends ex's bathing suit picture saying "THICC". --Said everyone called her that and made fun of her for being "thicc" one day so it was just a joke

5) One time he got a new job and had to make a work instagram. He was a car salesman and added his friends, promoted himself/company, etc. . I actually found messages from a girl he knows on there, her mssging him and it leading to "lets meet up to ***" type deal and he agreed! --- confronted him on this and said it WASNT HIM, his friend used that instagram too since others used it as well. **the catch? it was the same girl from #4** Also, his "friend" who supposably did it admitted it to me on IG when i messaged but never actually spoke to me over phone or could tell me what happened. Ignored my calls.

There are more. But basically this is our past. And i have a habit of breaking up and blocking, and then we end up working it out and i end up believing him. But his main thing with me is that i block him right away without getting the full story or facts. I also have messaged girls before when i've gotten suspicious (3 girls total). 2 of them ignored me and blocked me and another admitted to sleeping with him "while we were broken up for 2 weeks". NICE.

WELL. Because i tend to go searching for things on his social media when it is public, he has had me blocked or put on private on social media so i dont see his posts or friends. And this has made me feel like ii cannot trust him even more. He says, well, i dont want you messaging people, its embarassing. Or, well, you will find anything and misconstrue it and break up with me for it. YES, if there is something SHADY i WILL call it out lol. Come on people. Am i asking for too much? 

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Thankfully, i havent found anything like this in the 2-3 years and he seems to have really change but idk if its because i look a lot less. And because he limits his posts to the public. 

Recently, he has been liking/commenting extra hard on this girls fb. He also doesnt really know her but goes out of his way to always comment/like her funny or cute ***. And its like ALL her posts! Idk, am i overthinkiing?

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He has shown you who he is many times over.  And you are still with him so he knows you will tolerate it.  He has shown you in the past he uses social media to flirt with women and perhaps more than flirt -inconsistent with being committed to you.  He also knows you don't trust him and knowing that I doubt he'd ever want a permanent commitment to you.  He also doesn't respect you as a mature person he can count on.  What's in this relationship for you?

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He doesn't respect you because you keep accepting his behaviour. I think you have the idea that he will change for you because you are special (more special than the rest). It's a very idealized and romantic notion. A lot of people, both men and women, buy into it but end up blinding themselves to the difficult reality. He just doesn't respect you. 

He's not going to change. He's not going to tell you he doesn't respect you and he probably won't dump you. It's because you continue to stroke his ego and possibly provide sex and comfort in other ways. He draws from you but you get very little in return. 

Hopefully you can put this in the past and move on without ever looking back.

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Just now, Batya33 said:

He has shown you who he is many times over.  And you are still with him so he knows you will tolerate it.  He has shown you in the past he uses social media to flirt with women and perhaps more than flirt -inconsistent with being committed to you.  He also knows you don't trust him and knowing that I doubt he'd ever want a permanent commitment to you.  He also doesn't respect you as a mature person he can count on.  What's in this relationship for you?

These things were many years ago though. But now i am just paranoid over social media. He is good to me, expresses that he wants a family with me, etc.

Yes he is def frustrated that i dont trust him. I just dont see why keeping everything private is still a priority. If i tell him im insecure because of his past he then points the finger back and reminds me of when i messaged a high school guy friend to have drinks and actually having lunch with another guy friend without telling him. These are mistakes i made YEARS ago because i didnt know how to deal with this internet stuff,  and i have apologized. 

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Posted (edited)

It's interesting because throughout the entire relationship, he has played victim. He blames our horrible relationship on the fact that i "Just cant trust him and be happy" and that this is "All in my head/im overthinking/too sensitive". 

HE has often been the one to say you know what, "I get nothing from you in this relationship because all you do is break up with me and jumping to conclusions". **it's long distance FYI** And tells me that once he does put stuff on private, that im the one to blame for stalking him and breaking up with him for stupid things. 

I'm not his friend on media and have mine on private as well. but i am not active on it. He has 900 friends and posts ALL THE TIME. I just use media for networking since im a med student. I'm not his friend on there bc i thought it would keep me from being paranoid/checking his stuff. He says that the fact that my IG is private BOTHERS HIM. LOL. I dont buy it. He only says this when i complain about him.

***please read this*** I'd like to know if what I just said sounds crazy???? Because it does to me.

Edited by boohoo211
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It only matters if something is in the past if the person owns up to what happened and has made changes.  I've done things in the past I had to own up to and change and I did.  He is likely still now, presently, doing these things he did back then or at least he wants to keep the options open.

Rose Mosse gave you awesome advice.

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This isn't about trust or cheating, this is about respect and public perception. 

I was with someone who did similar things but felt like I could never say anything because he wasn't cheating or because I stumbled across something "small" (like you have) where it seems "too small" to bring to it to his attention and so I continued to be silently disrespected (like you are) on social media. 

When a man says suggestive things like that to other girls online (PUBLICLY) knowing he has a girlfriend/a girlfriend that can see this, you should take that as him having zero respect for you. 

Break up with this man child before it moves from flirting and into actual actions with these girls. 

Don't let it mess with your self esteem or self worth. He's just garbage. No, those girls aren't better than you. No, you didn't do anything wrong and No you're not overreacting. Chances are those girls are slightly uncomfortable that he's doing that, he's probably making a fool of himself. 

 

Leave the disrespect and find someone better. 

 

 

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Just now, Rose Mosse said:

Have you met this guy or is this an online romance? How often do you meet each other if it's long distance and how did you meet? 

 

No its a 5 year long distance that started off in person. One year in person and 4 years with me off in college across the U.S. I visit home about 2x a year. But we talk all the time, our families know who we are, i've gone to family functions and vice versa, I feel loved by this person very much. I know it sounds like i barely know him, because that's how this feels when i find these things online. 

Those things are from the past that he's apologized for. Currently its the constant commenting/liking on the same girls stuff and continuing to keep things private. 

Thanks for the advice Rose Mosse.

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Just now, Batya33 said:

It only matters if something is in the past if the person owns up to what happened and has made changes.  I've done things in the past I had to own up to and change and I did.  He is likely still now, presently, doing these things he did back then or at least he wants to keep the options open.

Rose Mosse gave you awesome advice.

Thank you. Yes, most of those things are in the past and he's apologized for them all. I'm just continuing to find "small things" like over commenting on one persons stuff, which i know is no big deal i guess? But it makes me uncomfortable. But of course to him, everything is all in good fun because he is extremely extroverted. 

And of course, his posts remain hidden from me. And he says this is MY fault because i block him easily and overreact over nothing without getting the fully story or his true intentions. 

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Also...I'm not sure how old you are but you should NEVER. 

 

I mean NEVER... repeating this again...NEVER have to "check up" on someone your dating to double check that he's not cheating on you. Checking social media should not be a CHORE someone has to do to ensure that their partner is respecting them. Or request to see their device... if there's no trust there's no relationship to have. 

 

The second you start doing that is the second you admit to yourself that this person has the potential to cheat on you and that you don't trust this person enough to stay in a relationship with them. What do you expect will happen? You'll be married 15 years from now and you'll still be searching for any potential side women on his radar? 

 

I hate to say it but this relationship is over. At this point you're on a suicide mission. You know two things: you know there's a chance that you'll actually find something one day/that he has the capacity to cheat and you know that he's blocked you because you're onto him. Leave this relationship. 

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Just now, rchubn said:

This isn't about trust or cheating, this is about respect and public perception. 

I was with someone who did similar things but felt like I could never say anything because he wasn't cheating or because I stumbled across something "small" (like you have) where it seems "too small" to bring to it to his attention and so I continued to be silently disrespected (like you are) on social media. 

When a man says suggestive things like that to other girls online (PUBLICLY) knowing he has a girlfriend/a girlfriend that can see this, you should take that as him having zero respect for you. 

Break up with this man child before it moves from flirting and into actual actions with these girls. 

Don't let it mess with your self esteem or self worth. He's just garbage. No, those girls aren't better than you. No, you didn't do anything wrong and No you're not overreacting. Chances are those girls are slightly uncomfortable that he's doing that, he's probably making a fool of himself. 

 

Leave the disrespect and find someone better. 

 

 

100% I AGREE and it's what i've been telling him. But he says, "who cares what other girls think if im not really hitting on them." 

No, no no. It's humiliating for me. It really is. Especially if these random girls are commenting surprise faces when he does change his status off single. And he says, he has no idea why. 

Thank you for this post. You may have saved my life honestly.

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1 minute ago, boohoo211 said:

100% I AGREE and it's what i've been telling him. But he says, "who cares what other girls think if im not really hitting on them." 

No, no no. It's humiliating for me. It really is. Especially if these random girls are commenting surprise faces when he does change his status off single. And he says, he has no idea why. 

Thank you for this post. You may have saved my life honestly.

Nothing to do with being extroverted.  People act consistently with their values.  Introverted people who desire to cheat find ways to express that, extroverted chatty people make adult decisions about what kinds of interactions are appropriate in all sorts of situations.  Does he have a job?  Does he know how to behave in a professional manner even though he is extroverted?

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Just now, rchubn said:

Also...I'm not sure how old you are but you should NEVER. 

 

I mean NEVER... repeating this again...NEVER have to "check up" on someone your dating to double check that he's not cheating on you. Checking social media should not be a CHORE someone has to do to ensure that their partner is respecting them. Or request to see their device... if there's no trust there's no relationship to have. 

 

The second you start doing that is the second you admit to yourself that this person has the potential to cheat on you and that you don't trust this person enough to stay in a relationship with them. What do you expect will happen? You'll be married 15 years from now and you'll still be searching for any potential side women on his radar? 

 

I hate to say it but this relationship is over. At this point you're on a suicide mission. You know two things: you know there's a chance that you'll actually find something one day/that he has the capacity to cheat and you know that he's blocked you because you're onto him. Leave this relationship. 

I know this. I'm 30, almost a doctor, and I can't believe this is what i'm doing. I'm posting to a forum because i'm too humiliated to ask anyone i know for advice. I'm TIRED. I've never felt the need to search social media on ANY of my ex-boyfriends. But this guy is also very extroverted and still in that weird stage where he gets his value from being funny and social perception. It's an awkward life stage for me, i know. I'm dealing with my own mental health issues, so i know i need to reflect on why i'm still in this relationship to begin with. 

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6 minutes ago, boohoo211 said:

No its a 5 year long distance that started off in person. One year in person and 4 years with me off in college across the U.S. I visit home about 2x a year. But we talk all the time, our families know who we are, i've gone to family functions and vice versa, I feel loved by this person very much. I know it sounds like i barely know him, because that's how this feels when i find these things online. 

Those things are from the past that he's apologized for. Currently its the constant commenting/liking on the same girls stuff and continuing to keep things private. 

Thanks for the advice Rose Mosse.

If you feel loved by this person you wouldn't be worried about the things he could be saying to other women. 

If you're long distance maybe you guys should consider taking a break until you're able to be in the same place at the same time. A long distance relationship with a ton of trust issues will never work out. 

Unless you get his physical presence its going to be extremely hard to trust him when he's doing things like this..  

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Just now, Batya33 said:

Nothing to do with being extroverted.  People act consistently with their values.  Introverted people who desire to cheat find ways to express that, extroverted chatty people make adult decisions about what kinds of interactions are appropriate in all sorts of situations.  Does he have a job?  Does he know how to behave in a professional manner even though he is extroverted?

Thats SO interesting that you ask this. Why did you ask this, i'm curious? 

He actually doesnt. He has severe ADHD and struggles with maintaining a job for more than a few months. When he was younger (and sometimes now) he still struggles with being inappropriately loud or unprofessional sometimes. He's working on it. He often gets fired for forgetting things, being on his phone, or sometimes making other females feel uncomfortable. He often says he doesnt mean to say uncomfortable things, but he is just "very blunt" and jokes a lot. 

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1 minute ago, boohoo211 said:

Thats SO interesting that you ask this. Why did you ask this, i'm curious? 

He actually doesnt. He has severe ADHD and struggles with maintaining a job for more than a few months. When he was younger (and sometimes now) he still struggles with being inappropriately loud or unprofessional sometimes. He's working on it. He often gets fired for forgetting things, being on his phone, or sometimes making other females feel uncomfortable. He often says he doesnt mean to say uncomfortable things, but he is just "very blunt" and jokes a lot. 

You're very educated. Please. Stop. Making. Lame. Excuses. for this person -my son is 12 and I'd never let him get away with bad behavior with excuses like that.  He's not in a stage.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain. It gives him more pleasure to get female attention than to be your boyfriend.  More pleasure to act inappropriately -his choice, totally his control - than to behave appropriately.  It's all in his control -he chooses whether to speak, to act, he chooses whether or not to get help if he is acting inappropriately and it feels out of  control.  Do you like being the superior, more successful one? He does mean to say what he says.  He does mean to be blunt.  He does mean to joke.  I joke a lot.  I have the tendency to be blunt.  But it pleases me to make others feel comfortable around me.  It pleases me to be a good wife and mom.  It pleases me to filter what I say so as not to offend or be disrespectful.  I could get a lot more attention if I made other choices - because for some negative attention is better than no attention.  

I'll give you an example -my son is 12.  Because of covid he zooms with his friends every day and they play video games.  These are real life friends.  yesterday a friend of a friend on zoom called his good friend the "b" word as he put it.  He came to me and said "but C is my best friend - can't I tell that person not to do that??"  I said no - C is perfectly capable of taking care of himself, do not get involved. (I knew this to be true and did not know this other person)"  He knew to ask me my advice before impulsively acting to protect/defend his friend.  Same with your adult boyfriend.  He knows full well what to choose and he chooses the consequences.  Not because he is extroverted or ADD or whatever - 

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6 minutes ago, boohoo211 said:

100% I AGREE and it's what i've been telling him. But he says, "who cares what other girls think if im not really hitting on them." 

No, no no. It's humiliating for me. It really is. Especially if these random girls are commenting surprise faces when he does change his status off single. And he says, he has no idea why. 

Thank you for this post. You may have saved my life honestly.

Your boyfriend seems to feed off of the high he gets when he ways suggestive stuff to random girls. He's in a relationship with you but for whatever reason he's fishing around for other girls to see if anyone will bite back or give his "passive aggressive" advances any attention and he's gaslighting you about it making it seem like you're getting worked up over nothing. 

Chances are those girls probably find him creepy and probably find the situation quite uncomfortable. I mean as women we've all seen/liked attractive men online and we've all probably had random guys attempt to comment on our photos and we normally play along to keep the peace but let's be honest here, guys like him are creepy and thirsty. The girls he's talking to are most likely very aware of the fact he's in a relationship and very aware of how inappropriate he's being. Who would want to date a guy like that? 

 

Everyone in this situation (you included) are out of this guys league. He has creepy incel/simp energy 

 

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13 minutes ago, boohoo211 said:

Thats SO interesting that you ask this. Why did you ask this, i'm curious? 

He actually doesnt. He has severe ADHD and struggles with maintaining a job for more than a few months. When he was younger (and sometimes now) he still struggles with being inappropriately loud or unprofessional sometimes. He's working on it. He often gets fired for forgetting things, being on his phone, or sometimes making other females feel uncomfortable. He often says he doesnt mean to say uncomfortable things, but he is just "very blunt" and jokes a lot. 

I asked about a job because when he's motivated to behave appropriately I bet he can.  I agree with Rcbchun

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Just now, rchubn said:

Your boyfriend seems to feed off of the high he gets when he ways suggestive stuff to random girls. He's in a relationship with you but for whatever reason he's fishing around for other girls to see if anyone will bite back or give his "passive aggressive" advances any attention and he's gaslighting you about it making it seem like you're getting worked up over nothing. 

Chances are those girls probably find him creepy and probably find the situation quite uncomfortable. I mean as women we've all seen/liked attractive men online and we've all probably had random guys attempt to comment on our photos and we normally play along to keep the peace but let's be honest here, guys like him are creepy and thirsty. The girls he's talking to are most likely very aware of the fact he's in a relationship and very aware of how inappropriate he's being. Who would want to date a guy like that? 

 

Everyone in this situation (you included) are out of this guys league. He has creepy incel/simp energy 

 

Even if the comments are completely harmless? Sometimes its just stupid harmless conversation but it's with the same person i notice, over and over. Even if he doesnt even know the person in real life. 

I just think even if its harmless talk about how cute a cat is or whatever, it doesnt need to always be said when you feel like it. Especially if it could be giving a girl the wrong idea bc it's the frequent attention he's giving to one girl. Right? 

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Just now, Batya33 said:

You're very educated. Please. Stop. Making. Lame. Excuses. for this person -my son is 12 and I'd never let him get away with bad behavior with excuses like that.  He's not in a stage.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain. It gives him more pleasure to get female attention than to be your boyfriend.  More pleasure to act inappropriately -his choice, totally his control - than to behave appropriately.  It's all in his control -he chooses whether to speak, to act, he chooses whether or not to get help if he is acting inappropriately and it feels out of  control.  Do you like being the superior, more successful one? He does mean to say what he says.  He does mean to be blunt.  He does mean to joke.  I joke a lot.  I have the tendency to be blunt.  But it pleases me to make others feel comfortable around me.  It pleases me to be a good wife and mom.  It pleases me to filter what I say so as not to offend or be disrespectful.  I could get a lot more attention if I made other choices - because for some negative attention is better than no attention.  

I'll give you an example -my son is 12.  Because of covid he zooms with his friends every day and they play video games.  These are real life friends.  yesterday a friend of a friend on zoom called his good friend the "b" word as he put it.  He came to me and said "but C is my best friend - can't I tell that person not to do that??"  I said no - C is perfectly capable of taking care of himself, do not get involved. (I knew this to be true and did not know this other person)"  He knew to ask me my advice before impulsively acting to protect/defend his friend.  Same with your adult boyfriend.  He knows full well what to choose and he chooses the consequences.  Not because he is extroverted or ADD or whatever - 

No, I truly love this person. It was happenstance that we crossed paths, and it happened to be in what was probably the worst time of my life (after a rape by someone i barely knew). But to me, I lost my virginity to this current boyfriend, and my virginity meant everything to me.  I was holding out for future husband.

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He has shown you who he is many times over.  And you are still with him so he knows you will tolerate it.  He has shown you in the past he uses social media to flirt with women and perhaps more than flirt -inconsistent with being committed to you.  He also knows you don't trust him and knowing that I doubt he'd ever want a permanent commitment to you.  He also doesn't respect you as a mature person he can count on.  What's in this relationship for you?

I dot think he cares about you at all.  If he did he would to be carrying on the way he has been.  What's in this for you?  I think you need a hobby so you stop stalking him on his social media.

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3 hours ago, boohoo211 said:

i have a habit of breaking up and blocking, and then we end up working it out and i end up believing him. But his main thing with me is that i block him right away without getting the full story or facts.

Yeah, this is a bad way of dealing with anything.  You deal with it and get it out of the way, not act like this, breaking up etc.. IF you are done, then be done.

3 hours ago, boohoo211 said:

I also have messaged girls before when i've gotten suspicious (3 girls total). 2 of them ignored me and blocked me and another admitted to sleeping with him "while we were broken up for 2 weeks". NICE.

All YOU are doing is ruining yourself with this behaviour.  Again,  do you trust him or not?  If no, then you leave.

IMO, I find this relationship no good 😕 .. You do not trust him and assume a lot.. truth or not.  You do not trust him- and if it is on him, then why be involved with him?

There be no success with this guy/relationship, sorry 😕 .

All of these things will just continue to build and end up with more assumptions, resentment and continued lack of trust.

 

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think of it simple like this..... is this guy husband material for a Doctor? or better yet. husband material for even a lunch lady?

 

DOnt take it perosnal but this man does not value you as a whole. he is not content with basic relationship. he needs to enhance his ego by going outside of the relationship.

Perhaps start framing your mind to letting him go. Start checking out.

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