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Not sure if I should confess feelings for best friend


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Yes, you have to date a boatload of people and sift through a lot of sand to find the treasure. Because it's more rare to match someone in all the major ways than common. Doesn't mean you should give up though, and pour your time and energy into a black hole. I saw it as a part time job when I was looking for my future, forever partner. I went on dates with about 30 men in a period of 2 and a half years. Had to use online dating, because I only was able to meet a few men otherwise, with other venues. I did find out about Meetup.com shortly before I met who would become my husband on OLD, and enjoyed those activities.

So I'm assuming you might encounter a few women a year who are your age and you're not sparking with. That's not enough to ensure success. You have to get out into the world. Do volunteer work like at a zoo, a museum, environmental cleanups Habitat for Humanity. Go to Meetup.com events for singles in your age range once everyone's vaccinated. Join a book discussion group. Join a co-ed sports team or bowling league. 

You're not going to meet that match by staying home and fulfilling the communication needs of a woman who's just not that into you. You should probably read some books on boosting your self esteem. I have a feeling yours is lacking, because subconsciously, we choose who we think we're worthy of. You feel as though you're only worthy of someone who doesn't want you all to herself and doesn't want to be exclusive. Someone who is a parasite, sucking all your time and emotional energy, even though she knows this isn't in your best interest.

Practice positive self talk, because your negativity that nobody else will be compatible with you is ridiculous. You're sabotaging yourself with these false proclamations. Take care. You deserve what you really want, and if you work on your self esteem, you will realize this.

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3 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Don't be surprised she sees you as a friend. Is she employed? How does she support herself at the moment? Is she actively looking for work in Australia or has plans already to move there? Why would you get caught up with someone who has one foot out the door? I'd find out more about her plans and where she sees herself. She can't possibly be moving any which way or from country to country for male companionship? When considering a partner, consider what their hopes and dreams and plans are. 

You can have all the feelings in the world for each other but your paths don't converge. It's a waste of time and breath. 10 hours, by the way, is a lot of time to spend with someone online. It's not surprising if you're both starting to get attached but it's not the healthiest way to get to know someone either. That takes patience and time and a good balance too.

If it feels like too much too soon and very confusing to you, step back and figure out whether this woman is right for you in the first place or if you're smitten/practically brainwashed from pure osmosis/too much time spent together.

So to make tbings a bit clearer, she spent a year in Australia and she's back in the UK now and has a job but she's moving cities within the UK

10 hours is a lot I'd say yeah, but i've known her for over 4 years so we have already gotten to know eachother. We've been involved before, when we first met we had a casual relationship, went on dates, slept together, had a touch of romance etc. Went back to being friends and then she asked me to be her boyfriend but it went wrong quite quick although at the time I tbink she was definitely struggling with other things in her life. She'd also said the only reason why she didn't go out with me when we first met was because of her plans to go to Australia which she has done now and that might be part of the reason it never worked out whwn she did ask me out because very soon after that she started thinking of doing her working holiday there. Moving there permantly isn't the easiest thing in the world so I'm not sure if she'd go there permanently but I figure I'd cross that bridge when I come to it, some tbings don't last forever, doesn't mean they're not worth pursuing 

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3 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Consider that you never meet anyone because you've been too wrapped up in this limbo thing with her. The fact is that when you are emotionally tied up with one person, you simply cannot see or even be open to others, no matter how much better those other options are. You are simply blind to their existence.

Personally, I think you need to do what you need to do, so that you can move forward with your life one way of the other.

It's really false to call her a friend. You don't kiss or have sex with your friends. This has always been a weird situationship kind of a deal. Not quite dating, but not really just friends either. The reason you are vague and don't know much about her dating/relationship life is because she is stringing you along. If you were truly just friends, she'd be open about it. Not knowing....gives you hope....and perhaps makes you the other man at times. Kind of sleazy if you think about it.

Looking from the outside....it's high time you remove the goggles and deal with reality. This girl....if she will mess around with you, she will mess around on you. Beware.

I just don't meet girls I'm compatible with, I never have. I've met 3 in my entire life that there was any spark with and this has been the closest to being right lol.

Also one of the other 2 girls I had a spark with I met about 5 months before this current girl and I was still heartbroken over that girl going off with another guy, but I forgot about that when I met tbis one. So if I did meet someone right then I would go for them, but there is no one. To be honest I don't really want to try anymore but thought it might be worth a roll of the dice with this one.

Also to be fair to her, nothing physical has happened in a long time but she has been away for over a year 

Sometimes I wish I'd never gone beyond friends with her 

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1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Yes, you have to date a boatload of people and sift through a lot of sand to find the treasure. Because it's more rare to match someone in all the major ways than common. Doesn't mean you should give up though, and pour your time and energy into a black hole. I saw it as a part time job when I was looking for my future, forever partner. I went on dates with about 30 men in a period of 2 and a half years. Had to use online dating, because I only was able to meet a few men otherwise, with other venues. I did find out about Meetup.com shortly before I met who would become my husband on OLD, and enjoyed those activities.

So I'm assuming you might encounter a few women a year who are your age and you're not sparking with. That's not enough to ensure success. You have to get out into the world. Do volunteer work like at a zoo, a museum, environmental cleanups Habitat for Humanity. Go to Meetup.com events for singles in your age range once everyone's vaccinated. Join a book discussion group. Join a co-ed sports team or bowling league. 

You're not going to meet that match by staying home and fulfilling the communication needs of a woman who's just not that into you. You should probably read some books on boosting your self esteem. I have a feeling yours is lacking, because subconsciously, we choose who we think we're worthy of. You feel as though you're only worthy of someone who doesn't want you all to herself and doesn't want to be exclusive. Someone who is a parasite, sucking all your time and emotional energy, even though she knows this isn't in your best interest.

Practice positive self talk, because your negativity that nobody else will be compatible with you is ridiculous. You're sabotaging yourself with these false proclamations. Take care. You deserve what you really want, and if you work on your self esteem, you will realize this.

I can't even imagine finding 10 people I'd want to go on a date with, nevermind 30 lol. I've tried dating sites too and thats been a total failure. I found if there's one thing to completely wreck my self esteem its dating sites. Putting work into hundreds of messages over time without one response is pretty demoralising 

I did actually go on a date last year but  there was nothing there at all, also was talking to another girl who was really into me and then lost interest but if I'm honest i was only interested in her in a casual way anyway. Thing is now I don't really care. Being with someone isn't the be all and end all and I'm very used to being single and would prefer that than being with someone I didnt truly love, its just when you meet someone at last that you connect with its a bit frustrating not being with them. To be fair to her maybe I'm just reading stuff into this that isn't there

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6 hours ago, LondonLad83 said:

 its just when you meet someone at last that you connect with its a bit frustrating not being with them. To be fair to her maybe I'm just reading stuff into this that isn't there

That's your cue to scale this back. 

If she isn't reciprocating your romantic interest, it makes no sense to continue these day-long chats and movie sessions. You're already very emotionally attached to her, and I am getting the impression that the romantic attachment isn't mutual. 

The other thing to keep in mind is that truly connecting with someone generally would imply that the connection goes both ways. So while you two obviously get along great as friends, that connection you're talking about isn't exactly there. Not in way it needs to be to support an actual relationship, anyway. 

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Ok, you feel compelled to blurt out your feelings about her. But why?

What's your end goal with that? Do you think you are in the friendzone? Do you think she feels the same way?

You've known her a long time. Make sure this compulsion to blurt this out is not because of the loneliness and isolation of Covid.

Keep in mind it's a gamble but you know that. She may end the friendship because she doesn't want to string you along.

So that's your dilemma. Blurt it out and risk any companionship or blurt it out and turn this into a relationship.

But ask yourself why she's moving in with some guy but can't see you in person? Ask yourself why she's moving in with some guy if she's secretly in love with you.

 

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On 4/4/2021 at 3:54 PM, LondonLad83 said:

I'm not sure why she is giving me her weekends on video call and not him..thats weird right? 

Not necessarily. I think she's just got a lot of energy to work off where romantic attachment is concerned. She probably isn't searching for a real and true commitment. Just some light-hearted, fun connections. And different things work with different guys. You're seeing one side of her; the other guy is seeing another side. 

I think your relationship goals and level of investment are a lot different that hers.

I really think that the only thing you can do here is draw a line and tell her how it is with you. Tell her what your feelings are, and that you can't continue being her 'friend' if there's not going to be a relationship. Then see what she does. She may walk away. You have to let that happen. You can't live your life pining away over someone. You're robbing yourself of the opportunity to be happy. 

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Someone said to me a long time ago, when I was obsessed and madly in love with this narcissist guy. They said to me: "If you love someone but they don't love you, they're just not "the one". Because the one would love you back." I understand love is blind and all that but this girl can't be your soul mate if she doesn't feel the same. I don't think she really feels the same. In the past she'd asked you to be her boyfriend but very quickly changed her mind. If someone really wants you they won't change their mind! If it was so easy for her to just go back on that then she didn't feel that strongly about you. Having sex with someone is not the same as love. You can think someone is cute and want to make out with them and sleep with them, that's lust talking. Last and love are not the same thing. 

You say you don't meet any other women you like. Of course you don't, how could you when you've wasted five years fixating on this girl. You've been telling yourself you want to be friends with her but you've been lying to yourself. Your only agenda to be her friend is to actually be in a relationship with her one day. If she rejects you then why continue being friends? You have nothing to gain from it and you will just get hurt.

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14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, you feel compelled to blurt out your feelings about her. But why?

What's your end goal with that? Do you think you are in the friendzone? Do you think she feels the same way?

You've known her a long time. Make sure this compulsion to blurt this out is not because of the loneliness and isolation of Covid.

Keep in mind it's a gamble but you know that. She may end the friendship because she doesn't want to string you along.

So that's your dilemma. Blurt it out and risk any companionship or blurt it out and turn this into a relationship.

But ask yourself why she's moving in with some guy but can't see you in person? Ask yourself why she's moving in with some guy if she's secretly in love with you.

 

I'm unsure, some of the things she says and the amount of time she spends talking to me, the amount she messages me does make me wonder if she likes me as more than a friend 

As I've said she can't meet anyone outside her household with the current restrictions but as she lives on her own she can move house and for a new household and as she no longer has family where she is she's decided to move where she can work in London. Even then she keeps talking about how we can meet up more often (I'm in London) but maybe its purely to spend time with this guy she knows 

I think if I tell her she won't end the friendship, but it could just make it awkward for a while and embarrass myself 

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12 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Someone said to me a long time ago, when I was obsessed and madly in love with this narcissist guy. They said to me: "If you love someone but they don't love you, they're just not "the one". Because the one would love you back." I understand love is blind and all that but this girl can't be your soul mate if she doesn't feel the same. I don't think she really feels the same. In the past she'd asked you to be her boyfriend but very quickly changed her mind. If someone really wants you they won't change their mind! If it was so easy for her to just go back on that then she didn't feel that strongly about you. Having sex with someone is not the same as love. You can think someone is cute and want to make out with them and sleep with them, that's lust talking. Last and love are not the same thing. 

You say you don't meet any other women you like. Of course you don't, how could you when you've wasted five years fixating on this girl. You've been telling yourself you want to be friends with her but you've been lying to yourself. Your only agenda to be her friend is to actually be in a relationship with her one day. If she rejects you then why continue being friends? You have nothing to gain from it and you will just get hurt.

That is true, if she doesn't feel the same way she's not right for me. I guess its just im sure we have something more than friends but its probably just not enough. I think the first time around when she asked me out she was in a bit of a weird place mentally. According to her she had not gone out with me when we first met because she was planning her year in Australia, then she decided not to do it, asked me out but I think she realised she'd regret not going so that might be part of the reason she changed her mind. Could be an excuse though.

About not meeting other women, well I've known her 4 years but that means there were plenty of years before that when I hardly met anyone. When I met this girl I was massively heartbroken over another girl but I didnt let that stop me falling for this one so I think if I met someone right I'd go for it. But its not like that for me, I don't often meet anyone I connect with at all. Some people just don't I guess.

Being with her romantically isn't my only agenda. I love her being in my life i just wish it was more than friends but I like her first and foremost because of who she is. I find it a really weird idea to value people only on the level of a partner like any other type of relationship is nothing. Its basically saying "because you won't have sex with me you mean nothing to me" I still wanted to be friends with my ex. Yes it does hurt for a bit but if I'm not right for her i'll let go of it soon enough. Its that doubt that makes it linger 

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There's a lot of confusion about this woman and how you feel. Keep it simple. If you enjoy your time with her, what time you have, speak up and be honest about how you feel. If she doesn't react well, you have all the more time to spend on other things and freeing your life up to be with someone more worthy of your time and energy. No need to make this more complicated. 

Keep in mind liking someone is fine. You have to like yourself. If you don't like who you are you're just going to keep going around in circles asking yourself the same question. I think what you're really asking is "do I deserve this person". Why the hesitation? Just go for it. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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