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Not sure if I should confess feelings for best friend


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I've got a dilemma with my best friend (a girl, and I am a guy she is 31 and I'm 37) we've had a bit of an off off thing so to recap as quick as I can 

Met her almost 5 years ago at a gig, she only talked to me because she thought I was hot. We got on really well and quickly started doing overnight trips. I asked her out on a date and she said yes though she didn't want to rush into a relationship. We ended up sleeping together a couple of times but afterwards I didnt see her for a few months (we live in different cities) so we decided to be just friends and all was great but one night when we were out and drinking she starting kissing me which almost led to sex. For a while we were basically kissing and cuddling in bed most time we went out/staying over together. She then stunned me by asking me to be her boyfriend, but she changed her mind a few weeks later saying it felt weird being more than friends. I do think she was still involved with her ex or still had feelings for him.

Anyway 3 years later we've had the odd kiss but are basically friends. She was in Australia for a year and met a guy who she calls her friend but I felt it was maybe more, though he had to return home to England shortly after they met because of covid. She has been back home since October 2020 and when she got back she came to meet me even though he lives close to London (where we met after she flew in)

Since the beginning of the year we have started video calling every Saturday complete with a dress up theme. We usually talk for around 10 hours and still have not run out of things to say, we've even now started watching films together online on Sundays. She has called me her best friend, the only person she can tell anything. She also one night started telling me that I'm perfect and I don't realise how amazing I am and how I'm so cool she can't believe I hang out with her. She's also said how these video chats have kept her going and she doesn't really have anyone else. We also message pretty much every day. She has mentioned going out with people you know can be dangerous in case you mess up the friendship.

Now I'm totally in love with her but any time I hint about us she doesn't really respond, and I don't know whether I should tell her how I feel because on one hand we are doing a lot of things couples do, on the other hand I'm not sure she looks at it that way.

To complicate matters she said "I'm thinking of moving down south and moving in with that guy I met in Australia" now she's always called him her friend before, but "that guy" makes it sound like they are dating rather than just doing a flat share. She also talked about this place being more expensive than her current one which makes me think its also a one bedroom (for it to be a fair comparison to her current one bedroom) but on the other hand she has hardly spent any time with him, has not seen him in a year and seems to spend most of her time talking to me. I don't get why she would be video calling me for 10 hours on the weekend if she's got a boyfriend. She's also talked about going on holiday with me and if she gets a job in my city she's mentioned lots of times how we could meet up a lot.

Her calling me for 10 hours every saturday, is that a normal best friend thing and I'm just reading too much into this? I don't know whether I should tell her how I feel or ask her about this other guy or just see what happens because I suppose eventually she's going to have to tell me if she's seeing someone, but I also don't want to miss my chance to ask her and lose her to someone else (which might have already happened) maybe i should have let go years ago though 

 

Thanks for any advice 

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18 minutes ago, LondonLad83 said:

Since the beginning of the year we have started video calling every Saturday complete with a dress up theme. We usually talk for around 10 hours and still have not run out of things to say, we've even now started watching films together online on Sundays. She has called me her best friend, the only person she can tell anything.

- Right, so you accept it as this..

She has no real interest in seeing you as more.  And was not right to continously lead you on like she has!

- Sounds to me like she's been unsettled for a good while... and should stop that!

See what it has done to you?

Thing is.. can YOU accept her as just 'a friend'?  If not, maybe it is best to lay low for a while since YOU now have feelings .. Can you handle hearing about 'her other guy'? 😕 

 

18 minutes ago, LondonLad83 said:

She has mentioned going out with people you know can be dangerous in case you mess up the friendship.

-Right.  She is right there.  So, don't even go there with her.

Accept she at least wants a friendship ( though not all are able to do this, due to hurt feelings/ rough break ups, etc)

 

18 minutes ago, LondonLad83 said:

Now I'm totally in love with her but any time I hint about us she doesn't really respond, and I don't know whether I should tell her how I feel

- Don't. 

You already know how she see's you.  Don't put her in an awkward spot... and possibly cause her to distance herself.

 

18 minutes ago, LondonLad83 said:

To complicate matters she said "I'm thinking of moving down south and moving in with that guy I met in Australia" now she's always called him her friend before, but "that guy" makes it sound like they are dating rather than just doing a flat share.

- Yes, this is where her interest is...

 

18 minutes ago, LondonLad83 said:

She's also talked about going on holiday with me and if she gets a job in my city she's mentioned lots of times how we could meet up a lot.

- This is what seems a little odd.  Maybe, consider something like this, only if you can handle being around her, knowing her interest is not all on you.

But, imo, you should keep some distance, respectful boundaries and let her continue on with 'her other guy'.

Stop giving in to all she says.. and sit back & look at the whole situation.

Be smart, guard your heart.

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4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

- Right, so you accept it as this..

She has not real interest in seeing you as more.  And was not right to continously lead you on like she has!

- Sounds to me like she's been unsettled for a good while... and should stop that!

See what it has done to you?

Thing is.. can YOU accept her as just 'a friend'?  If not, maybe it is best to lay low for a while since YOU now have feelings .. Can you handle hearing about 'her other guy'? 😕 

 

-Right.  She is right there.  So, don't even go there with her.

Accept she at least wants a friendship ( though not all are able to do this, due to hurt feelings/ rough break ups, etc)

 

- Don't. 

You already know how she see's you.  Don't put her in an awkward spot... and possibly cause her to distance herself.

 

- Yes, this is where her interest is...

 

- This is what seems a little odd.  Maybe, consider something like this, only if you can handle being around her, knowing her interest is not all on you.

But, imo, you should keep some distance, respectful boundaries and let her continue on with 'her other guy'.

Stop giving in to all she says.. and sit back & look at the whole situation.

Be smart, guard your heart.

I'm not sure how much she's led me on and how much it's down to me. I just don't get why she's telling me I'm perfect and she's lucky to hang out with me and why she's spending so much time talking to me if she's got a boyfriend.  It just seems on one had she does treat me as more than just a friend

 

Of course if she has a boyfriend I don't want to tread on any toes but im not 100% sure yet and I'm not sure if I should ask her because really its not my business.

 

At the same time she talked about how other male friends have stopped talking to her whenever she's got a boyfriend and when I said I was worried if she gets a bf she'll stop talking to me, she said she was worried it would be me that would drop contact. That again indicates she has someone, but I don't want to lose her friendship and I don't want to be another guy that drips her just because he can't be with her. It will possibly hurt though seeing her with someone else so I should probably avoid those situations

 

Honestly it feels like she might have split a relationship over 2 different people 

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3 minutes ago, LondonLad83 said:

Honestly it feels like she might have split a relationship over 2 different people 

- If this be the case.. as I mentioned.. she is not settled and none of this is good 😕 . - to be confused over more than one.

 

3 minutes ago, LondonLad83 said:

I just don't get why she's telling me I'm perfect and she's lucky to hang out with me and why she's spending so much time talking to me if she's got a boyfriend.  It just seems on one had she does treat me as more than just a friend

- IF she is seeing you as 'her good friend', then you both need to learn to respect the other and have some better boundaries.

Yah, she does probably enjoy your company, since you are her friend, and cannot, at this time, spend time with the other guy properly, right?

But, in the end, this is where YOU get to decide, where you stand and what you can do.  Back off a bit and see her as not available.

So, only a friend and leave it at that.  No expectations.

If this is too hard for you, then you need to give it some distance.. When we are into someone- of which they want only friendship, but we feel more than that, sometimes we need to just back away, totally - until we know we don't have those feelings anymore.

BUT, in the end, if she is a good person and you do both enjoy your times together and you can handle that much, then fine, hang with her.

As she had mentioned before, to get involved with a 'friend', yes, it can end up messing that friendship up 😕 .. So, if you value her as a 'true friend', then leave it as that.

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This isn't a friendship you are her BF without benefits...a stand in until she gets with another guy. A stepping stone of sorts...."I'm so lucky..." yes she is because she doesn't have to shell out or be in a relationship to get the benefits of a BF.

Sorry I know this is hard but you have wasted your time. The time spent with her is missed opportunity, and energy spent meeting someone who would love to date you, and have a future with. You are ripping yourself off.

Hurtful as it is, you need to cut all ties with her to reach your goal of finding the one because there isn't a woman out there that would tolerate you having her in your life..,someone you have been pining for, for years/have feelings for. It's a tough one, but it would be for the best.

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39 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This isn't a friendship you are her BF without benefits...a stand in until she gets with another guy. A stepping stone of sorts...."I'm so lucky..." yes she is because she doesn't have to shell out or be in a relationship to get the benefits of a BF.

Sorry I know this is hard but you have wasted your time. The time spent with her is missed opportunity, and energy spent meeting someone who would love to date you, and have a future with. You are ripping yourself off.

Hurtful as it is, you need to cut all ties with her to reach your goal of finding the one because there isn't a woman out there that would tolerate you having her in your life..,someone you have been pining for, for years/have feelings for. It's a tough one, but it would be for the best.

Yeah I get what you mean, I'm not sure about the stepping stone tbing tbough because if she now does have a bf why is she still spending so much time talking to me? Its like she's getting 2 things from 2 different people but I was honestly expecting her to drop contact drastically, not increase it.

 

I dont really see it as wasted time because she's been the best thing in my life, its just a bitter pill that I want more and I really thought I had got over her and was fine with friends. I've talked to other girls but they were nothing special and I realised I'd rather be single and have this girl in my life even as a friend than drop her for someone I was not that bothered with. That may sound crazy  but its not just that I want to be with her, she genuinely is my best friend too 

I'm not actually bothered about finding anyone, its just that I thought she was the one. Being single is not actually that hard, it's just not having her 

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

- If this be the case.. as I mentioned.. she is not settled and none of this is good 😕 . - to be confused over more than one.

 

- IF she is seeing you as 'her good friend', then you both need to learn to respect the other and have some better boundaries.

Yah, she does probably enjoy your company, since you are her friend, and cannot, at this time, spend time with the other guy properly, right?

But, in the end, this is where YOU get to decide, where you stand and what you can do.  Back off a bit and see her as not available.

So, only a friend and leave it at that.  No expectations.

If this is too hard for you, then you need to give it some distance.. When we are into someone- of which they want only friendship, but we feel more than that, sometimes we need to just back away, totally - until we know we don't have those feelings anymore.

BUT, in the end, if she is a good person and you do both enjoy your times together and you can handle that much, then fine, hang with her.

As she had mentioned before, to get involved with a 'friend', yes, it can end up messing that friendship up 😕 .. So, if you value her as a 'true friend', then leave it as that.

At this time she can't spend time with anyone because of covid restrictions. I guess if she is seeing this other guy then moving in with him solves that problem but in the mean time I'm not sure why she is giving me her weekends on video call and not him..thats weird right? 

I just keep wondering whether considering everything thats happened with us she does have some sort of feelings but too scared to get involved in case we break up and are not friends any more but I don't think that would happen 

 

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You don't think that would happen? What?  That you won't break up or won't be friends anymore?

She's mentioned this already... it would for sure be awkward after that.... it often is, between friends, after a break up. "She has mentioned going out with people you know can be dangerous in case you mess up the friendship."

How do you know she isn't giving him some of her time?

Either way, wouldn't you want someone out there who is FULLY into you?  Not messed up between you & another guy? And someone who you you've met with that full interest in being involved - instead of messing up an actual friendship?

 

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19 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

You don't think that would happen? What?  That you won't break up or won't be friends anymore?

She's mentioned this already... it would for sure be awkward after that.... it often is, between friends, after a break up. "She has mentioned going out with people you know can be dangerous in case you mess up the friendship."

How do you know she isn't giving him some of her time?

Either way, wouldn't you want someone out there who is FULLY into you?  Not messed up between you & another guy? And someone who you you've met with that full interest in being involved - instead of messing up an actual friendship?

 

I dont tbink if we broke up we'd stop being friends. She was friends with her ex for a long time until he used up several chances, I was friends with my ex til I realised she would be better off moving on, but we both have that capacity to put aside things. Plus we did briefly go out before and broke up and if anything became better friends afterwards 

 

I'm not actually sure if she is seeing tbis other guy or not, I know she must be talking to him but its a bit weird if she has a bf but has to tell him tjat on Saturdays she's going be talking to her friend all night on video chat and then pretty much the same on Sundays. I can't imagine having a girlfriend and managing to video chat with another girl like that. Its just a very strange situation that makes me tbink she's not actually seeing anyone 

I do worry if she is seeing someone else gradually our friendship will fall away so thats why I'm tempted to take the risk 

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23 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

 

When she meets the guy, and does move on, she's going to fade from your life....what will you do then?

I worry about that which is why I am tempted to take the risk and tell her how I feel. 

There is a chance she won't ditch me ybough, or her relationship wont last but I don't want to be fall back guy.

Really though, I don't even know for sure she is seeing anyone, I just know she's moving in with a guy but we had talked about sharing a flat loads of times 

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Well, is all up to you, as you are the one in this situation.

We've given our 2 cents on all of this, so you know what to consider.

If you feel you can handle it, knowing she is possibly interested in some other guy out there, admitting she is interested in moving in with him... ( and she has said same about you? .. What's this tell you?) .. As I have already said, none of this sounds too good - or stable with her.

I have been in a spot similar with a guy a few yrs ago.. he'd go cold on me, then pull me back after a few months - basically went between me and another woman- due to his uncertainty and liking both, at the same time?

Either way, I could not handle this mind games & hurt 😞 .. I caught on to it all and ended up just walking away & really ticked, that he acted out like this with me (and her).  We have not spoken again since all of this (which went on for over 2 yrs).

In the end, is your choice to go there, risking a lot.  Instead of just backing away and keeping it at a friendship level.

But, do some more thinking on it all.. Maybe re-read your post & the replies.

 

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34 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Well, is all up to you, as you are the one in this situation.

We've given our 2 cents on all of this, so you know what to consider.

If you feel you can handle it, knowing she is possibly interested in some other guy out there, admitting she is interested in moving in with him... ( and she has said same about you? .. What's this tell you?) .. As I have already said, none of this sounds too good - or stable with her.

I have been in a spot similar with a guy a few yrs ago.. he'd go cold on me, then pull me back after a few months - basically went between me and another woman- due to his uncertainty and liking both, at the same time?

Either way, I could not handle this mind games & hurt 😞 .. I caught on to it all and ended up just walking away & really ticked, that he acted out like this with me (and her).  We have not spoken again since all of this (which went on for over 2 yrs).

In the end, is your choice to go there, risking a lot.  Instead of just backing away and keeping it at a friendship level.

But, do some more thinking on it all.. Maybe re-read your post & the replies.

 

Thanks, I do agree with a lot of your points. I guess the thing is i'm not sure if she's with the other guy or if she's hinting about me with all the time she sounds talking to me and calling me perfect etc. If I knew she was with tbis guy for sure then I could just process it. Its the not knowing that's making it worse 

 

I'd prepared on something like tbis happening but whats thrown me for a loop is the fact she seems to have gotten closer to me (she also told me some very personal things about her life) 

 

Anyway thanks for the help  you're right, there's probably no signs about her having feelings for me, maybe she just means it in a friendly way 

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Why not just find out where she stands with this guy?

Why stick your neck out like that, if there's nothing you can do about it at this time, such as ask her to date/hang out in person etc.

Why can't you invite her to your place rather than vidochat all day?

Ask yourself exactly why you want to "confess" this? Are you hoping it will avert her moving in with this guy? You've already hooked up, so...? What's your end goal with this?

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Why does she do what she does? Well, it sounds like she's an unconventional person with loosey-goosey boundaries who can pour emotional energy into anyone, even exes or past FWBs, whether or not she has a bf.

As for you, when you're pouring so much time and emotional energy into a a crush, you'll have a hard time bonding with anyone else. Just because you haven't met anyone interesting besides her yet, doesn't mean you never will. And yes, it'll be far less likely you meet anyone interesting when you're holed up on weekends in cyber space with her.

It's sad for me to read that you would gyp yourself out of something so wonderful in life like having a romantic companion, because you're stuck pining over a past FWB. She knows you're crushing hard. She's actually selfish because she full well knows that you're limiting yourself from attaining what you deserve, and keeps on anyway because she loves the ego boost and the attention.

And you love the attention but it's a smokescreen. You keep trodding through a desert, barren of true love, toward a mirage. It's something you will never reach by being all consumed with who you think she is and the shallow attention she gives you.

Like Smackie said, no other woman will want to date you when you're in contact with an ex FWB. You are likely too smitten with your rose-colored glasses, too close to the situation to see things clearly. But please take into consideration what the majority here is saying, because if you don't, you'll most assuredly regret settling for these breadcrumbs, totally alone, with nobody to hold your hand, to run to the store for cough medicine and care for you when you're sick, and nobody to enjoy nightly meals with in the cozy home you two share.

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You keep saying, "...if she has a boyfriend." I hate to tell you this, but you guys are not best friends if you don't even know if she's actually dating this other guy. The sense of intimacy here is rather false, since there's evidently significant parts of her life you don't know much about. 

My guess is that he is not her boyfriend, but she wants him to be. He's not talking to her as much as she wants, so she's happy to let you fill in the gaps and be a filler guy until she sorts things out with him (or meets soemeone else)

I think you're going to be very hurt when she eventually starts spending time with another guy and stops all these marathon video calls and online movies sessions. You've tried hinting how you feel, and she dodges it. There's a reason for that, and it's because she doesn't want to lose your company before she finds a boyfriend. 

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Just so you know, it's a misconception guys make when a girl talks about personal things. When a guy does it, he's showing vulnerability because he's has romantic feelings...for a girl it's not like that at all. Girls can be emotionally attached but have not romantic interest.

IMO you may as well ask her to get it over with and stop being an orbiter.

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21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not just find out where she stands with this guy?

Why stick your neck out like that, if there's nothing you can do about it at this time, such as ask her to date/hang out in person etc.

Why can't you invite her to your place rather than vidochat all day?

Ask yourself exactly why you want to "confess" this? Are you hoping it will avert her moving in with this guy? You've already hooked up, so...? What's your end goal with this?

Maybe i should just ask her, i just feel that comes across as a bit nosey. She did also say before when she's had a boyfriend her male friends have stopped talking to her so maybe thats a reason she wouldn't say 

I dont think me telling her would stop her moving in to be honest. I wanted to tell her before I found that out and now it's created a problem 

I just feel like there's possible hints she does have some feelings for me but won't go there because she doesn't want to lose me as a friend and she knows last time she asked me out she ended up getting cold feet, but circumstances were a bit different then 

Also I can't meet her because we're under covid restrictions. We met when she got back into the country and we've talked about meeting up as soon as the restrictions are lifted but for the time being video chatting is all we can do 

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20 hours ago, Andrina said:

Why does she do what she does? Well, it sounds like she's an unconventional person with loosey-goosey boundaries who can pour emotional energy into anyone, even exes or past FWBs, whether or not she has a bf.

As for you, when you're pouring so much time and emotional energy into a a crush, you'll have a hard time bonding with anyone else. Just because you haven't met anyone interesting besides her yet, doesn't mean you never will. And yes, it'll be far less likely you meet anyone interesting when you're holed up on weekends in cyber space with her.

It's sad for me to read that you would gyp yourself out of something so wonderful in life like having a romantic companion, because you're stuck pining over a past FWB. She knows you're crushing hard. She's actually selfish because she full well knows that you're limiting yourself from attaining what you deserve, and keeps on anyway because she loves the ego boost and the attention.

And you love the attention but it's a smokescreen. You keep trodding through a desert, barren of true love, toward a mirage. It's something you will never reach by being all consumed with who you think she is and the shallow attention she gives you.

Like Smackie said, no other woman will want to date you when you're in contact with an ex FWB. You are likely too smitten with your rose-colored glasses, too close to the situation to see things clearly. But please take into consideration what the majority here is saying, because if you don't, you'll most assuredly regret settling for these breadcrumbs, totally alone, with nobody to hold your hand, to run to the store for cough medicine and care for you when you're sick, and nobody to enjoy nightly meals with in the cozy home you two share.

Thats the thing though, I never meet anyone im compatible with. When I have a situation like this when I meet someone who ticks every box, has loads in common with me, loves spending time with me (we don't even live close but easily have spent the most time together over the last few years) at least at some point was physically attracted to me, even asked me to be her boyfriend ... and it still doesn't work out, that should tell you that I'm not really suited to many people.

I've given up on finding anyone, I just really love her. And yeah I know there's 99% chance its futile but i'll never meet anyone i like spending time with as much as her and have as much of a connection so it is basically end up with her or end up alone. To be honest ending up alone won't be so bad, ive already accepted that 

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Don't be surprised she sees you as a friend. Is she employed? How does she support herself at the moment? Is she actively looking for work in Australia or has plans already to move there? Why would you get caught up with someone who has one foot out the door? I'd find out more about her plans and where she sees herself. She can't possibly be moving any which way or from country to country for male companionship? When considering a partner, consider what their hopes and dreams and plans are. 

You can have all the feelings in the world for each other but your paths don't converge. It's a waste of time and breath. 10 hours, by the way, is a lot of time to spend with someone online. It's not surprising if you're both starting to get attached but it's not the healthiest way to get to know someone either. That takes patience and time and a good balance too.

If it feels like too much too soon and very confusing to you, step back and figure out whether this woman is right for you in the first place or if you're smitten/practically brainwashed from pure osmosis/too much time spent together.

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8 minutes ago, LondonLad83 said:

Thats the thing though, I never meet anyone im compatible with. When I have a situation like this when I meet someone who ticks every box, has loads in common with me, loves spending time with me (we don't even live close but easily have spent the most time together over the last few years) at least at some point was physically attracted to me, even asked me to be her boyfriend ... and it still doesn't work out, that should tell you that I'm not really suited to many people.

I've given up on finding anyone, I just really love her. And yeah I know there's 99% chance its futile but i'll never meet anyone i like spending time with as much as her and have as much of a connection so it is basically end up with her or end up alone. To be honest ending up alone won't be so bad, ive already accepted that 

Consider that you never meet anyone because you've been too wrapped up in this limbo thing with her. The fact is that when you are emotionally tied up with one person, you simply cannot see or even be open to others, no matter how much better those other options are. You are simply blind to their existence.

Personally, I think you need to do what you need to do, so that you can move forward with your life one way of the other.

It's really false to call her a friend. You don't kiss or have sex with your friends. This has always been a weird situationship kind of a deal. Not quite dating, but not really just friends either. The reason you are vague and don't know much about her dating/relationship life is because she is stringing you along. If you were truly just friends, she'd be open about it. Not knowing....gives you hope....and perhaps makes you the other man at times. Kind of sleazy if you think about it.

Looking from the outside....it's high time you remove the goggles and deal with reality. This girl....if she will mess around with you, she will mess around on you. Beware.

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43 minutes ago, LondonLad83 said:

Maybe i should just ask her, i just feel that comes across as a bit nosey.

Also I can't meet her because we're under covid restrictions. We met when she got back into the country and we've talked about meeting up as soon as the restrictions are lifted but for the time being video chatting is all we can do 

Just ask. You're talking 10 hrs a day and friends, so?. That way you would have a lot lees of angst from this scenario and it would guide you as to how much you want to invest in this or...not.

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