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Did I Ignore the Red Flags?...HELP


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4 hours ago, Hollyj said:

I call it like it is.    Seems I hit a nerve. . 

Many use this as some sort of excuse to stay.  They  can say they are compassionate and caring so they have to stay, completely disregarding their own needs.  She is co dependent  and an enabler,  this situation is a lose/lose. 

the “psychology session” is over.
 

She is not saying she is gonna stay, came here for advice and validation. A codependent person might have went a few more years without ever questioning red flags. It sounds like she has a backbone to me, and believes in forgiveness and second chances. This does not equate to codependency. This equates to being a decent human being that hasn't been burned enough to become a grizzled veteran like many of you all. She sounds young and is in early stages developing those nerves of steel that some of you have. It might be kind to cut her some slack and teach her your wisdom with sugar vs vinegar. Even if she is codependent,it is rooted in trauma and neglect in childhood. Not to be considered her own decision. She is learning about boundaries, establishing them, seeking support, she is showing she values herself by even posting, and developing a plan. All signs of either a non codependent person, or one that is trying to overcome it. Here is our chance to help her overcome dependency if it was the case...

  Psychology session is over?  Ok? send us a bill!

 

 

4 hours ago, Hollyj said:


 

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5 minutes ago, Jambalaya421 said:

 

 

  Do you always have to be right?

 You can pontificate all you want, but it will not change my position.

Edited by Hollyj
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11 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

  Do you always have to be right?

 You can pontificate all you want, but it will not change my position.

Im erring on the side of kindness. It has nothing to do with being right in regards to you, but to show this young lady other perspectives and to see the wisdom behind your jabs.  But then again she will probably never be back. 

 

Edited by Jambalaya421
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52 minutes ago, Jambalaya421 said:

Im erring on the side of kindness. It has nothing to do with being right in regards to you, but to show this young lady other perspectives and to see the wisdom behind your jabs.  But then again she will probably never be back. 

 

I see you removed the personal attack (calling me a narcissist).  Hmmm.   The irony that you mention "jabs."

Edited by Hollyj
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Getting back on track for a moment.

You are aware of the red flags but you allow them to continue by not setting clear and concise boundaries.  That by definition is enabling his red flag behavior.  Either you are okay with cocaine, binge drinking, staying out all night, being a hot head and being way to friendly with his ex wife or you are not.

You see this is wholly your choice here.  You have to decide to end this relationship or not.

Let's see if we can help you see things a little more clearly.

-You have spoken to him about the drinking and staying our all night and yet his wants out weigh your concerns.

-You clearly feel insecure about his closeness with his ex wife but he is oblivious to your feelings.

-He has stated in a round about way he doesn't plan on quitting cocaine.  "No one can understand me or what I am going through"  That is an excuse to keep using.

-He is a hot head.  How long before it is turned towards you?

I know you have feelings for him and even think you love him but I would guess that you are in love with imagined guy you thought you moving in with, not the guy you now have on your hands.

Breaking up hurts even for the best of reasons but you have to accept that he has a lot of issues and doesn't seem to want to stop any of them.  You cannot do it for him or force him to change so that leaves only two choices.  Stay until he does something so bad you have to leave or break things off now so you can begin to heal from the loss of what you once thought was going to be a wonderful relationship.

He is not the guy for you or anyone really right now and you will never save him from himself.

Lost

Edited by lostandhurt
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On 4/4/2021 at 1:35 AM, azlifts said:

Did I ignore the flags for too long and now this is just "acceptable" for us?

You have ignored major red flags. It doesn't matter how long you ignored them. 

This behavior is clearly acceptable to him. Is it acceptable to you? If you stay in this relationship, the answer is yes.

On 4/4/2021 at 1:35 AM, azlifts said:

Should I end things?

If you want a fulfilling relationship that doesn't require 24-hour monitoring services, yes.

On 4/4/2021 at 1:35 AM, azlifts said:

I worry that he won't be okay if I leave...

You should look into codependency.

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4 hours ago, Jambalaya421 said:

Im erring on the side of kindness. It has nothing to do with being right in regards to you, but to show this young lady other perspectives and to see the wisdom behind your jabs.  But then again she will probably never be back. 

 

There are moderators here for a reason. If they take issue with someone's posts, they will do their jobs. 

 

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On 4/4/2021 at 2:42 AM, azlifts said:

Let's get some things straight:

1. @Wiseman2  DO NOT have a problem with drugs or alcohol, nor have I ever.
Not that you need to worry about my living situation, but it's MY apartment, so I would be fine. I don't think it's fair of you to come onto a post and preach judgement and telling me I need professional help..

Personally, drunk driving/problem drinking is an automatic no-go for me.

Add to that, someone who is out all night, wants to move in after 16 weeks dating and yes, I would check out my own sanity if I put up with any of this.

My advice to you is to check out Al-Anon. 

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8 hours ago, Jambalaya421 said:

Your empathy has caused you to ignore some red flags indeed, but it is now time to establish firm expectations and most likely prepare yourself to end this relationship. It is admireable that you allow room for improvement, growth and are concerned about his well being in the event of a break up.

I wouldn't assume that.  True healthy empathy has to come from a place of strength and from a person with reasonable boundaries.  Otherwise it's tainted with other motives, unhealthy motives and behaviors.  It doesn't help him one bit for her to stay with him while he's abusing drugs and putting her in harms way -strong potential of that.  Empathy is using the oxygen mask first on yourself to be able to help others. It comes from a place of firm expectations. 

I don't think it's admirable at all if allowing "room for improvement, growth and concern about his well being" means staying in the situation she describes.  She lost count after 6 times which includes him physically confronting someone while he was drunk, saying he was sorry but empty words- repeating the behavior -continuously going on benders, etc etc.  

When my mother saw that my father needed to be in a psychiatric facility she of course cared that he didn't want to go.  She of course took that into account but what was admirable was that she made him go so that he could get the care he needed rather than bowing to his demands not to go - I can't imagine how she did that as a woman in her 30s with two young children.  Or all the other times. That's empathy from a place of strength.  Anything else isn't empathy.  I don't think what she's doing is admirable and is potentially far more harmful to her partner since he needs a solid rock not what she is doing.

Edited by Batya33
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OP, I am sorry that you are in this situation.  There are so many people who have shared this experience and it is nightmare. The best thing you can do for both yourself and your partner is step away and allow him to go through what he needs to to choose to get help for himself.

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48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

True healthy empathy has to come from a place of strength and from a person with reasonable boundaries.  Otherwise it's tainted with other motives, unhealthy motives and behaviors. 

Agree. Empathy doesn't equate with a lack of boundaries. Azlifts is not being empathetic; she's rationalizing his behavior. 

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41 minutes ago, ChasingHope said:

OP, I am sorry that you are in this situation.  There are so many people who have shared this experience and it is nightmare. The best thing you can do for both yourself and your partner is step away and allow him to go through what he needs to to choose to get help for himself.

@Jambalaya421 I found your assessment thoughtful and well written. I recommend googling this site for reviews as you will see one particular poster mentioned multiple times by name. 

Feel free to mention me by name.  

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