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Did I Ignore the Red Flags?...HELP


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I'm going to preface this all with: There are great things about my relationship, so take this with a grain of salt. These are just the red flags, and they don't inherently define the quality of my relationship.

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year, and I think I've been ignoring EVERY SINGLE red flag. Maybe I'm just far too empathetic, calm, open-minded or whatever it may be, but I don't know how to fix the things that have become OK in our relationship.

He's definitely a hothead, which I didn't see as an issue until the extent of it was shown on a night out with our friends. Granted, some guy groped me, but it didn't need to be a physical confrontation.

He has 2 kids, with the same mother, and they talk VERY often, clearly it's more than just about the kids. It creates anxiety in me, despite me having asked him about it directly. There will always be the question of...Would he ever want her back? Plus, the thought of "wow, he slept with her and cared enough to co-parent 2 kids". Somehow it's easier to forget that your significant other ever slept with anyone before you when there's not evidence of it...

Within the last 6-7 months, he's been having these like weekend "benders"? I guess? He'll say he's going to hang out with his friends, which I condone because I want him to have his friends outside of our relationship as well, and he'll tell me he'll be home (we moved in together 4 months ago) around 11-midnight. Well, when that time comes around and I'm still awake, he's not home. I'll call or text, and he answers, but he says "I'm being good, nothing is going on, I'm just hanging out with the guys". Like, okay, that's fine, but if you say you're going to come home, just do that. He'll then tell me that he'll be home "soon" which I always interpret as an hour from the time we talked. But that doesn't happen either. I'll fall asleep, wake up in the morning, and he's still not there. He either drives himself home still intoxicated (dumb), get a ride from a friend, or ask me to come get him (which I don't have a problem with because it's better than driving drunk). He always expresses how sorry he is and how he doesn't mean to hurt me, but it's like nothing fully sinks in because it still happens and now it's even more frequent for some reason. I think I stopped counting after the 6th time it happened.

Part of why the above happens is because he admittedly has a problem with cocaine. I've told him that I'll support him in rehab and therapy, and he says he needs it and he'll go. He still hasn't. The closest thing he's come to is getting drug tested by his boss, which honestly hasn't stopped any of it.

I've told him that something has to change. That if he won't talk to me (because he doesn't open up) or any of his friends, then he needs to talk to someone. He says that no one understands him, and no one will. It's like...okay DUH no one will understand if you don't explain.

 

I don't know how to get him to be more communicative and talk about what's really going on.
Did I ignore the flags for too long and now this is just "acceptable" for us?
Should I end things? I worry that he won't be okay if I leave...

Edited by azlifts
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The addiction to cocaine would have done it for me.  

Expect more from your partners.  No more projects or addicts!

A lot to red flags!  I  don't get what attracted you to this guy.

Edited by Hollyj
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3 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

The addiction to cocaine would have done it for me.  

Expect more from your partners.  No more projects or addicts!

A lot to red flags!  I  don't get what attracted you to this guy.

We have a TON in common, he's the most patient and understanding person I've been with when it comes to my mental health struggles, and we generally make each other better, but there are things that he just doesn't seem to grow from.
The cocaine should have done it, but it know it was extremely hard for him to even tell me that because I previously dated someone who was addicted to oxy, and that relationship ended swiftly. I was 19 at the time and not in a good mental place myself, so I knew there was no way I could help someone through an addiction when I could barely help myself.
Now, things are different for me and I'm willing to grow from this and make our relationship better if he is. Am I delusional?

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3 minutes ago, azlifts said:

We have a TON in common, he's the most patient and understanding person I've been with when it comes to my mental health struggles, and we generally make each other better, but there are things that he just doesn't seem to grow from.
The cocaine should have done it, but it know it was extremely hard for him to even tell me that because I previously dated someone who was addicted to oxy, and that relationship ended swiftly. I was 19 at the time and not in a good mental place myself, so I knew there was no way I could help someone through an addiction when I could barely help myself.
Now, things are different for me and I'm willing to grow from this and make our relationship better if he is. Am I delusional?

Yes.  You need to understand what attracts you to the addicts, as it is toxic.  You need to be done with this.     Are you receiving therapy?

These types of men are terrible for your  mental health.

Edited by Hollyj
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23 minutes ago, azlifts said:

 I'm willing to grow from this and make our relationship better if he is. 

Sorry this is happening. Why did you move in together after dating just a few months?

Where did you live before? 

You can't "grow" from being with drug abusers and alcohol abusers.

What you can "grow" from is checking out Al-Anon. It's a support group for people involved with to addicts and alcoholics 

Unfortunately you are the common denominator in choosing these dangerous men.

This guy drives drunk? Where will you live when he kills someone and goes to jail? 

Move out asap and get to a physician for an evaluation and referral to a therapist.

Get treatment for alcohol/substance abuse issues you may have. You're not with these types by accident and you know that.

Edited by Wiseman2
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There are a lot of poor choices there - driving drunk, drug addictions, lack of boundaries with an ex. Do both of yourselves a kindness and step away. 

Your last line stands out to me "Should I end things? I worry that he won't be okay if I leave..." 

This doesn't strike me as an ordinary response for your circumstances. Why are you so worried over someone who puts you at risk and sabotages your entire life or happiness with his issues? I'm missing something here and major disconnect. 

Do you empathize with him or have you been down this road before with addictions with yourself or with a family member? Just curious. 

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45 minutes ago, azlifts said:

He'll say he's going to hang out with his friends, which I condone because I want him to have his friends outside of our relationship as well, and he'll tell me he'll be home (we moved in together 4 months ago) around 11-midnight.

You moved in with the guy way too fast!  - Only been involved about a year?

He is just living it up- feeling his freedom back, since his BU.

47 minutes ago, azlifts said:

I don't know how to get him to be more communicative and talk about what's really going on.
Did I ignore the flags for too long and now this is just "acceptable" for us?
Should I end things? I worry that he won't be okay if I leave...

Some people just don't know how to communicate their feelings, etc. - I feel if he hasn't by now, he won't.

Drugs?  No thank you!

Why would he not be okay if you leave?  He's an adult.  He should not 'need' someone by his side to function.

As for him & his ex, that's just how they roll.

IMO, you move on way too fast with this guy, never really getting to know him fist- and now regrets?

Nah, you don't need his headaches.  Next time, don't rush into something like moving in with someone so fast.

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Posted (edited)

Let's get some things straight:

1. @Wiseman2  DO NOT have a problem with drugs or alcohol, nor have I ever.
Not that you need to worry about my living situation, but it's MY apartment, so I would be fine. I don't think it's fair of you to come onto a post and preach judgement and telling me I need professional help.

2. @SooSad33I have known him for a lot longer than just the year that we've been together, but we didn't hang out with each other and weren't as close then as we are now and when we started our relationship.

3. I'm not dumb, I know the things he's done are ignorant and reckless. @Rose Mosse By ending things, I'm worried about his mental health because I'm, by nature, extremely caring and consider how the people around me will be effected by my decisions.

4. @Hollyj I'm not attracted to addicts. The prior boyfriend, I had no idea until his mother told me, and we split that same day. In my current situation, I had no idea until he told me. He's highly functional and it wasn't an issue until it came to my attention. I doubt anyone seeks out people with those issues unless they have that in common.

Also, he hadn't been in a relationship for 2 years before we got together.

Edited by azlifts
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28 minutes ago, azlifts said:

Let's get some things straight:

1. @Wiseman2  DO NOT have a problem with drugs or alcohol, nor have I ever.
Not that you need to worry about my living situation, but it's MY apartment, so I would be fine. I don't think it's fair of you to come onto a post and preach judgement and telling me I need professional help.

2. @SooSad33I have known him for a lot longer than just the year that we've been together, but we didn't hang out with each other and weren't as close then as we are now and when we started our relationship.

3. I'm not dumb, I know the things he's done are ignorant and reckless. @Rose Mosse By ending things, I'm worried about his mental health because I'm, by nature, extremely caring and consider how the people around me will be effected by my decisions.

4. @Hollyj I'm not attracted to addicts. The prior boyfriend, I had no idea until his mother told me, and we split that same day. In my current situation, I had no idea until he told me. He's highly functional and it wasn't an issue until it came to my attention. I doubt anyone seeks out people with those issues unless they have that in common.

Also, he hadn't been in a relationship for 2 years before we got together.

"Extremely caring" equates to low self worth.  You should be putting YOUR needs first.    This guy has addiction and mental health issues, I don't understand why you would choose to expose yourself to this?  I agree, you are the common denominator to bad men.  Stop seeking out projects.

We are all saying the same thing, too bad you did not actually come here for advice.  

Edited by Hollyj
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There's usually a balance between survival traits or characteristics and being very caring. Selflessness bordering on self-harm or destruction is worrying. We're not telling you what to do. Just a sounding board, that is all. You don't have to leave this guy.

The sad part about this is that there is likely very little you can do to help him as much as you want to. 

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Yes, you ignored a whole lot of red flags. 

You're confusing "caring" with enabling. You may want to look into codependency, because your own habits here are not healthy for you either. That is probably why some others have suggested therapy for yourself, because you're just as much a part of the dysfunction as he is, though in very different ways. 

He needs professional help. Talking to you or his friends is insufficient in dealing with an addiction. And it sounds like he has no intention of stopping. He loves going out on benders and getting high. Clearly, this is the lifestyle he enjoys. 

What do your friends and family make of this guy? Or do they not know the truth?

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8 hours ago, azlifts said:

Let's get some things straight:

1. @Wiseman2  DO NOT have a problem with drugs or alcohol, nor have I ever.
Not that you need to worry about my living situation, but it's MY apartment, so I would be fine. I don't think it's fair of you to come onto a post and preach judgement and telling me I need professional help.

2. @SooSad33I have known him for a lot longer than just the year that we've been together, but we didn't hang out with each other and weren't as close then as we are now and when we started our relationship.

3. I'm not dumb, I know the things he's done are ignorant and reckless. @Rose Mosse By ending things, I'm worried about his mental health because I'm, by nature, extremely caring and consider how the people around me will be effected by my decisions.

4. @Hollyj I'm not attracted to addicts. The prior boyfriend, I had no idea until his mother told me, and we split that same day. In my current situation, I had no idea until he told me. He's highly functional and it wasn't an issue until it came to my attention. I doubt anyone seeks out people with those issues unless they have that in common.

Also, he hadn't been in a relationship for 2 years before we got together.

Okay if you’re going to come here for advise you have to be ready for some critical feedback. As outside perspective we give advice solely on that. 
 

If you see these red flags then why stay? You obviously know deep down and by posting here you’re not thinking this is a healthy relationship. So you need to ask yourself what are you gaining from any of this. Staying because you’re worried about his mental health isn’t a good reason and it’s not helping him if that’s the only reason. He’s going to do what he always does with or without you in his life. 
 

You know you can’t change him or save him. He’s just going to drag you down into his drama because of his addiction. 
 

So you need to ask yourself the tough questions of what purpose it serves you to stay with him.

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You can't help him with his issues because he doesn't want to stop. Him saying he knows he should stop doesn't mean squat if he does nothing about it. He enjoys getting high.

What happened the time someone groped you? Did he hit the guy? Get arrested? Get kicked out of somewhere?

Knowing he won't stop his behaviors, are you willing to stay with him no matter what? 

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Boy, aren't we a blast of sunshine this morning.. 😕 

You came on here asking questions & you got answers-- and then we all get blasted?

1) Why do you not have a problem with drugs? ( but you do about him not being home all night?). - You do know that drugs & alcohol can kill?  It can also kill Marriages- so, hope you do not plan on marrying this one..

As you do realize he's got an ex  - and they split, for reasons as well... do you know if his drug use may be a cause- or his mental health?

2) I don't care how long you've known him, is much different when you actually get involved with them.. isn't it?

3) Re: his mental health concerns- you are willing to stick around someone like him forever, in order to not hurt his feelings?  What about yours? 

Obviously, after a year of this experience, you are seeing these as 'red flags', but YOU cannot 'fix them' or him..

As you mentioned to Holly, re your previous BF- who was also an addict, which you left that day.. Okay, so now that you are aware of this guys life style, you can walk away from this one as well.. or do you maybe feel too drawn in now? ( emotionally invested).

 

10 hours ago, azlifts said:

I think I've been ignoring EVERY SINGLE red flag.

Obviously, YOU know these are red flags...

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OK you got me a "cocaine" I dumped my ex of 5 years for that. He decided not only to do it but to deal too.

He's a liar just like my ex, dump him. Pack your stuff up and move out, move on. If you stick around, that's tells him he's able to get away with it.

Edited by smackie9
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10 hours ago, azlifts said:

We have a TON in common, he's the most patient and understanding person I've been with when it comes to my mental health struggles, and we generally make each other better, but there are things that he just doesn't seem to grow from.
The cocaine should have done it, but it know it was extremely hard for him to even tell me that because I previously dated someone who was addicted to oxy, and that relationship ended swiftly. I was 19 at the time and not in a good mental place myself, so I knew there was no way I could help someone through an addiction when I could barely help myself.
Now, things are different for me and I'm willing to grow from this and make our relationship better if he is. Am I delusional?

I think you should be very worried since you live together about your physical safety -if he ends up lashing out when he's high/drugged, if you're in the car with him not knowing he is or not ok to drive and your home being trashed or the police coming and implicating you if you have drugs in the home.  Also he likely is putting his kids at risk -not your problem/not your kids but just know that you might not have to live with him anymore if he ends up arrested.  Or heaven forbid hurting someone else when he drives under the influence.

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telling someone who insists they care alot, that they have low self worth is quite concerning. While it could very well be true and staistics support that theory regarding codependency, it is not your place to tell someone that. Is this a psychology session, are you her clinician? 

She might be codependent and in turn unintentionally enabling his behavior. Maybe just an empathic person that has big picture in mind and would preferto breakup softly, and looking for advice?

 

She came here for affirmation of her desires to leave this man for the red flags, and it turned into a barrage on her character.

Are we all a bunch of licensed psychologists? checking this board numerous times a day 365 days a year to psychoanalyze every single person who posts a question? There are a couple bad actors on this site, and it seems like a clique. while more times than not the advice is sound underneath it all, the delivery is harsh and without regard for someones emotions or well being.

What ive learned in my journey is emotional safety in relationships. There is not much emotional safety on this forum. the intentions are from a good place, but not a soft landing spot for people who are questioning making life altering decisions are vulnerable, and looking for validation for their feelings.

 

when someone is in the throws of considering ending a once beloved relationship, there is still alot of love for that person, whether the other is deserving or not. Much of the advice given here is years and decades after their experiences,and detached from the emotions of being in the now. You have the benefit of years of retrospect, and Im sure at one point many of us were battling the same feelings of how to navigate this without advice from others. 

What because this guy has addiction problems and is behaving in a way unbecoming of a healthy partner he doesnt deserve love and compassion, especially when his life is about to be turned upside down?

 

Burn him at the stake! Its his own damn fault. who cares about him.

 

Its called empathy people. Even people on death row deserve basic human decency, and a Nun or priest or penpal  to show them that people still care about their soul and offer redemption.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Jambalaya421
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1 hour ago, Jambalaya421 said:

What because this guy has addiction problems and is behaving in a way unbecoming of a healthy partner he doesnt deserve love and compassion, especially when his life is about to be turned upside down?

He does but not with her living with him as his romantic partner.  She can be supportive while taking care of her emotional and physical and financial safety.  She can offer him help in finding good rehab programs, for example , a good therapist - I'm sure she knows his kids and their well being is at risk too.  She can offer to give him very temporary short term financial help if that would make sense but it does not make sense for her to live with a drug addict who acts in a reckless way including driving drunk from what she wrote.

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2 hours ago, Jambalaya421 said:

telling someone who insists they care alot, that they have low self worth is quite concerning. While it could very well be true and staistics support that theory regarding codependency, it is not your place to tell someone that. Is this a psychology session, are you her clinician? 

She might be codependent and in turn unintentionally enabling his behavior. Maybe just an empathic person that has big picture in mind and would preferto breakup softly, and looking for advice?

 

She came here for affirmation of her desires to leave this man for the red flags, and it turned into a barrage on her character.

Are we all a bunch of licensed psychologists? checking this board numerous times a day 365 days a year to psychoanalyze every single person who posts a question? There are a couple bad actors on this site, and it seems like a clique. while more times than not the advice is sound underneath it all, the delivery is harsh and without regard for someones emotions or well being.

What ive learned in my journey is emotional safety in relationships. There is not much emotional safety on this forum. the intentions are from a good place, but not a soft landing spot for people who are questioning making life altering decisions are vulnerable, and looking for validation for their feelings.

 

when someone is in the throws of considering ending a once beloved relationship, there is still alot of love for that person, whether the other is deserving or not. Much of the advice given here is years and decades after their experiences,and detached from the emotions of being in the now. You have the benefit of years of retrospect, and Im sure at one point many of us were battling the same feelings of how to navigate this without advice from others. 

What because this guy has addiction problems and is behaving in a way unbecoming of a healthy partner he doesnt deserve love and compassion, especially when his life is about to be turned upside down?

 

Burn him at the stake! Its his own damn fault. who cares about him.

 

Its called empathy people. Even people on death row deserve basic human decency, and a Nun or priest or penpal  to show them that people still care about their soul and offer redemption.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I call it like it is.    Seems I hit a nerve. . 

Many use this as some sort of excuse to stay.  They  can say they are compassionate and caring so they have to stay, completely disregarding their own needs.  She is co dependent  and an enabler,  this situation is a lose/lose. 

the “psychology session” is over.
 


 

Edited by Hollyj
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4 hours ago, Jambalaya421 said:

telling someone who insists they care alot, that they have low self worth is quite concerning. While it could very well be true and staistics support that theory regarding codependency, it is not your place to tell someone that. Is this a psychology session, are you her clinician? 

She might be codependent and in turn unintentionally enabling his behavior. Maybe just an empathic person that has big picture in mind and would preferto breakup softly, and looking for advice?

 

She came here for affirmation of her desires to leave this man for the red flags, and it turned into a barrage on her character.

Are we all a bunch of licensed psychologists? checking this board numerous times a day 365 days a year to psychoanalyze every single person who posts a question? There are a couple bad actors on this site, and it seems like a clique. while more times than not the advice is sound underneath it all, the delivery is harsh and without regard for someones emotions or well being.

What ive learned in my journey is emotional safety in relationships. There is not much emotional safety on this forum. the intentions are from a good place, but not a soft landing spot for people who are questioning making life altering decisions are vulnerable, and looking for validation for their feelings.

 

when someone is in the throws of considering ending a once beloved relationship, there is still alot of love for that person, whether the other is deserving or not. Much of the advice given here is years and decades after their experiences,and detached from the emotions of being in the now. You have the benefit of years of retrospect, and Im sure at one point many of us were battling the same feelings of how to navigate this without advice from others. 

What because this guy has addiction problems and is behaving in a way unbecoming of a healthy partner he doesnt deserve love and compassion, especially when his life is about to be turned upside down?

 

Burn him at the stake! Its his own damn fault. who cares about him.

 

Its called empathy people. Even people on death row deserve basic human decency, and a Nun or priest or penpal  to show them that people still care about their soul and offer redemption.

 

I appreciate your point and your thoughts but I also will tell it straight. Sugar coating isn’t beneficial to the posters that come here looking for advice.  
 

I understand that people asking advice need a shoulder to lean on and their feelings are rather fragile in the state they are in but telling them to continue to be co dependent or stay in a awful situation. Just to appease them and make them feel better In a brief period they seek the advice. I simply cannot and don’t feel right about doing that. I feel that’s lying. 
 

A lot of posters seek us to tell them what they want to hear. I feel the majority of us aren’t going to do that. So we are called ‘cruel,’ ‘brash’ and ‘harsh.’ 
 

We are simply speaking from experience and we see the brighter outlook to every situation that these individuals seek out self care so they attract better quality mates. 
 

I won’t bend or say “ there, there.” To appease someone, I’m sorry but I just won’t do it!

 

 

 

 

appreciate your point and your thoughts but I also will tell it straight. Sugar coating isn’t beneficial to the posters that come here looking for advice.  
 

I understand that people asking advice need a shoulder to lean on and their feelings are rather fragile in the state they are in but telling them to continue to be co dependent or stay in a awful situation. Just to appease them and make them feel better In a brief period they seek the advice. I simply cannot and don’t feel right about doing that. I feel that’s lying. 
 

A lot of posters seek us to tell them what they want to hear. I feel the majority of us aren’t going to do that. So we are called ‘cruel,’ ‘brash’ and ‘harsh.’ 
 

We are simply speaking from experience and we see the brighter outlook to every situation that these individuals seek out self care so they attract better quality mates. 
 

I won’t bend or say “ there, there.” To appease someone, I’m sorry but I just won’t do it!

 

 

Edited by limichelle
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I believe this site is called enotalone. Some of the advice here sure could make someone feel quite alone...

 

This thread as well another from a male member displeased with his wifes contributions both went down the path of blaming the OP. Suggesting fatal flaws in OP's character without even gleaning more info and based on just basic posts. 

My advice would be,trust your gut. You reached out to strangers on a forum to validate your concerns. They are valid and his behavior is unsustainable and against building a foundation for a healthy relationship, and his recent outings are unacceptable and worsening. Your empathy has caused you to ignore some red flags indeed, but it is now time to establish firm expectations and most likely prepare yourself to end this relationship. It is admireable that you allow room for improvement, growth and are concerned about his well being in the event of a break up.

 

Without further context and details, it sounds like you did not enable him, or were aware of his issues before developing a relationship and moving in. Some of what youre experiencing may as well be chalked up to mistakes of youth, and fellow members advice, while harsh are based on years of experience and learning from their own mistakes of their own youth. Someday you might just be giving the advice of zero tolerance policy on drug use, or staying out late, or moving in too soon.

If you allow this behavior to happen and stay just one more time, now that you have received valuable advice, and your concerns were validated by experienced and wise peers, and after establishing your boundaries it will be enabling. Whatever the case, he is taking yiu for granted, not respecting yourrelationship and most likely will not change. Even if strides are made regarding drug use or stayingout, he will probably begin to feel trapped and home life will become strained.

Be strong, and demand what you deserve in life. You deserve better than this. We're here if you need more advice or someone to talk to as you navigate this challenging path or help with the transition of ending this relationship.

It must be hard to be going through this right now, Please look out for number one. You.

 

Take care.

 

 

 

 

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